Am I being a spoilt brat?

[NancyShrew]

Engagment is potentially the cards for DP and I and I have spied a couple of potential rings that I might like. These rings are all round about £5k, which I think is a fair bit of money to spend on a ring! DP earns reasonably well, but it would require some savings on his part, probably taking about a year for him to save enough for the ring I want.

I have a feeling that DH wants to get engaged soon, as in the next six months, when presumably I would have to have a cheaper ring. We are still in our twenties so time is on our side. AIBU to want him to wait and save for the ring of my dreams? He's a generous man and I know he wouldn't begrudge spending that much money, think he's just a bit impatient!

My dh spent 350 on my ring. Not even a weeks salary at the time.

OP.... I haven't read the thread. I got a little of the way through and got tired of "More than two pounds fifty??? You bratty arse"

If you want a great big sparkler, then you bloody well have one. It's something hopefully you will wear for the rest of your life. From my first relationship 10 or so years ago, the guy designed me a ring, not an engagement ring, but stunning, was £9.5k. It's on my finger right now. It's something I will wear for the rest of my life. I adore it. Not boasting, it's not the priciest piece I have, but the only one I still wear. And this is because I LOVE amazing diamond rings.

You see, if it's important to you, then it's worth hanging on for. Different example. I love cars. Huge petrolhead. If I had to choose I would forgo new clothes, a holiday, jewellery for a new car. Because cars and tinkering with them make me smile. If a beautiful ring is important to you, then don't let people patronise you with this "oh well just getting married should be enough" crap. I mean, why even bother with a pretty wedding dress?

I could happily lose every piece of jewellery I own. Apart from the rings. One from the day my son was born. The one I have on now. The one I inherited from my mother. The ridiculous one I was proposed to with. They mean something to me. In the same way I would be miffed getting into a rubbish car every day, I would be miffed looking at a ring I didn't like for the rest of my life. At least you and I are honest enough to admit that.

My dp had a "hypothetical" conversation about rings before he proposed. He mentioned how expensive rings are and how you can pay silly amounts for one. My reply was any man who proposed to me with an expensive big ring would get a no because they obviously don't know me well enough to be marrying me!

I found out later the ring he looked at was 2k with a stone on. He ended up buying me a 250 pounds ring with inset stones which is my most favourite and most expensive possession. I would have kicked him up the arse spending 2k on a ring never mind 5. It's a ring. A round piece of metal.

Shocking! He will need to save up? I think you sound dreadful in your wanting him to spend that amount on a ring for you.

I have a son. I'd hate to think of him having the misfortune to "fall for" a girl who'd have him working like a dog to provide stuff for her. What about equality? You're like a throwback to some bygone age.

I don't think you're bratty because you're not being stroppy as far as I can tell. However I do think you're sounding incredibly materialistic and this whole "the ring of my dreeeams" thing makes me cringe. If you've got so much money to waste do something good with it!

My husband and I are in our early-mid 20's, he could have saved, worked longer hours and bought me an expensive ring but I told him it was a waste of money. Because it is. Instead he got a replica of my Nan's engagement ring made for £120 and we got married for about £500. I hate this culture of competitive consumption.

I have a lovely ring, it's insured for £8k, it's a real beauty. I am beyond happy about it and everyone comments on it (it's antique and quite unusual) but this is the key thing....

Dh proposed and it was a surprise and I never had a clue he would go all out for a ring. But he did, and I am not a dingy blingy person.

Please just accept what you are given gracefully and feel joy in the sentiment that it's given. It's only just things.

You sound very status driven.

Can you link to the rings you like? (Nosey)

When my OH very unexpectedly proposed to me he told me that he had saved up £2k before we went ring shopping.

I tried on many rings within the budget, none had the 'wow' factor, all were very 'nice'. In the shop there was a one that was £2k over budget and just for laughs I tried it on. It was stunning, I will never forget the moment I held my hand out as even the OH said Wow, he hates jewellery. It really was stunning and suited my not so delicate finger so much better!

We both work, have ok jobs and had just sold our respective properties and bought a house together. I had some savings and asked if he would be offended if I could pay the difference and get the ring. He agreed (I would NEVER have asked him to pay for it all) & we bought it together.

6 years on there is not a day that I don't look at my beautiful ring and smile. I have not regretted it, in fact it's the opposite. It's definitely not the biggest ring in my circle of friends. But I am so glad I got my 'big' ring. The sharing the cost has not even been mentioned since it was paid for.

I didn't get married in the end as a matter of weeks later found out I was pregnant, it is now 2 kids later & priorities have changed. I would never have 'upgraded' my ring, the thought now of spending £4k on a ring makes me shudder! We are having a quiet registry office wedding next year.

My ring was my one and only 'selfish' luxury in my life. I own no other 'proper' jewellery except a £160 watch & would not dream of even spending £100 on a bag! But my 'expensive' ring makes me happy every single day, if that makes me a materialistic spoilt brat then I will happily wear that label!

If you want the dream ring and can afford it, go for it, you'll be wearing it everyday for the rest of your life. Work out the cost per wear and it doesn't seem so bad! And if you ever need to, it can always be sold!

My ring cost £60 from an antique stall in Camden market 30 years ago, I paid another £37 myself to have the back strengthened with extra gold as it was worn very thin. I wear it all the time, it brings back such happy memories for me of that special day we bought it and nothing could make me go more WOW when I look at it. I would never of dreamed of asking for something really expensive. It meant a lot to me when DH did buy me a very expensive ring later on, when we were better off, to celebrate the birth of our DS1.

Does your partner even know you have plans of him asking you to marry him in 6 months time?

My sil thought this would be her. She had been with Bil to be for over ten years and had her heart set on a ring costing 5k which he didn't seem to be saving for. She turned up her nose at the 2k offering I had on my finger and ended up with a costume-looking ring which is very unusual, not what she originally wanted at all and cost around 1k I think. She LOVES it, it's something Bil chose which he knew she would like and that makes it very special. She wouldn't consider swapping it, snob that she can sometimes be (I do love her though!).

Will you give this expensive ring back if you don't go through with it ? As I believe is the tradition.

I have found the house of my dreams but I an't afford it and I am not prepared to be poor just to live in it so I will find another that is nearer my affordable budget.

I think you should do the same RE your ring!

You can get quite sizable diamond rings for far less than that!

I'd be terrified if I had a ring worth that much (of losing it/getting nicked etc). I'm bad enough with my ring (for sentimental reasons)!

I think mine cost around £800 (which is a lot to me!), and it's a small diamond but I love it for the delicacy and because it's my engagement ring!

OP I think you're being given a very hard time. The amount of self-righteous posturing on this thread beggars belief. That a woman wants something lovely (that costs money) seems to be taboo, at least on MN.

However, I do wonder about delaying an engagement and a marriage for a ring. Life is short and saving up (and delaying) for a splashy wedding or a fabulous ring, though understandable, is something I'd counsel against. It's the marriage that's important, your life together - not the wedding, or the ring.

When my husband and I got married, we had nothing, so we got a lovely ring from a flea market, that I loved but that was of minimal value. On our tenth anniversary he gave me a real diamond ring that was far far more meaningful to me, because it spoke of the journey we'd made together. Perhaps you might consider that?

Good luck OP, whatever you decide.

If money was no object then I would happily wear a £5k ring but tbh unless we were really rich, something cheaper would suffice. I recently lost my engagement ring which was a family heirloom and worth a lot of money. I was so upset. Insurance paid some of it back but I can't justify spending it all on a new ring. There are some really nice ones well under a grand.

Don't be so materialistic. It is a ring at the end of the day.

Might have been said already but how do you know he's not been saving up to now? FWIW I think that amount of money would be better spent elsewhere!

This thread is now 10 pages long and no response from OP

OP I think you should pay half.

£5k is a huge amount of money to me so I wouldn't spend it on a ring - I'd save for a longer maternity leave/work on the house/nice holidays but that just means I have a lower income and different priorities to the OP. I got an engagement ring that I love for a£160. It's a unique shape and fits together with my wedding ring and I wouldn't change it for a big diamond sparkler. I look at it every day and think 'wow!' - that isn't to do with cost, it's the sentimental value.

However, I spent a grand on wedding dress plus accessories and I have never found the opportunity to wear the dress or tiara again whereas I do wear my ring every day so it's not like I don't see why someone would want a really expensive ring, it just didn't matter to me. Doesn't mean I think you are a spoiled brat - proportionally my £160 ring probably took a bigger chunk out of my husband's disposable income at the time than the £5k ring for your partner so I can't really judge.

My engagement ring is amazing. I love wearing it. After 20yrs it is still looking brand new & hasn't changed (except made bigger). No stones have fallen out, it has kept it shape beautifully!

It cost 80gbp. We chose it together.

I don't understand all this "I want" over an engagement ring. Years ago the man chose the ring, the woman didn't see it until he popped the question.

My sister has three. One before she got married & 2 after, because the first one wasn't right and then the second didn't match her wedding band (it was a plain gold band, the same colour as the engagement rings.) She was a gabby little madam.

Seriously, save the money for something else. You never know what might happen.

Get the ring !! Mines was £2100 way back in 1998 and was definitely worth it, i still love it .

I think you should have the ring you want, but perhaps contribute to it yourself too. I think you might just always look at a different ring and regret not getting the one you really wanted.

DH and I spent about 5k on my ring (bought wholesale and then had it set, Hatton garden contacts) and it was really what I wanted. I never take it off and love looking at it 11 years later.

I had a bit of a thing about it as my ex DH never got round to buying me one, it was always promised when his next bonus came in etc. he was very well off but a bit stingy. I didn't really mind too much until we were admiring the 1 carat engagement ring of a friend. I said it was gorgeous and just the style I liked and exDH said in front of everyone "well, don't hold your breath, I don't think you'll ever be worth forking out for a ring that expensive".

I remember thinking that if I was ever stupid enough to get married again, I would only do it with someone who thought buying a ring for me was important.

Hang on, is the engagement ring still something that the man is supposed to pay for?

Hah! Honestly, pay for half. It's only fair.