AIBU to be fuming over my mums will.

[navada]

My mum lives in a house worth over 700k. I always assumed that on her death the house would be sold & split between me & my 3 siblings. ( I'd never been told otherwise! )
Anyway, about 5 years ago my brother moved back in with my mum when his marriage broke up, it was only supposed to be a temporary measure until he sorted himself out - he never quite got around to sorting himself out & still lives there. I found out a few months ago that my mum has made a will leaving the house to all of us, but with a stipulation that my brother can say in the house for as long as he wants. He's fully intending to take up that offer.

Right now I hate both of them. how bloody unfair!

YANBU. I would be really upset if my parents favoured one of my sibling in this way. It's not as if your brother would be homeless if her house was sold. He would have plenty of money to use for rent or a deposit on a new house.

Mylovelyboy this did happen in my family and I still think that the OP is VVU. My father is one of 8. His sister moved back home after their mother passed away and her marriage broke down. She did do more of the day to day care but my father always did the practical work and contributed financially to make sure he was looked after. When my GF passed away, my auntie stayed living in the house and she decided to split the money between her and three other sisters. Her rationale was that the siblings who worked got nothing (!) and the siblings who had never worked a day in their life got to share everything. My Df and three of his siblings got absolutely nothing. This wasn't a fair way to divide the money but my father never made any fuss about it because it wasn't his money and he believed in working for what you have.

I learned my morality from a very kind man, and when he died and my DM wanted me to take her money so that she "could see me spend it and enjoy it" I absolutely refused. My DM can be absolutely confident that I am there for her because I want to be, not because I think I am owed anything.

I still think the OP is being greedy and grabbing

The thing is we are all having an opinion without knowing anything about this family ,it could well be that the mum really values having the son living with her albeit PT and that the other children visit her twice a year ( we don't know I'm sure the OP will tell us) .the bottom line is it is the mums money and she can do as she pleases. If they were my children I think I'd leave the lot to the dogs home !

I don't think the OP intends to be as greedy as has been suggested, I think she's disappointed that one sibling is being treated in a vastly more favourable way. Which is understandable- any kind of sibling favouritism is hard to take, though in this case the inheritance issue has led to the money problem standing out.

I think the OP needs to focus on getting her mum to have the will professionally checked and ensure it's legally sound , with IHT issues all accounted for- otherwise it becomes a huge family problem when her mother does pass away. A small amount of family discussion and action now could avoid enormous family rifts, and legal and financial problems for all the beneficiaries, when she passes away.

How sad that at this stage of life, anyone is more upset about what their parent chooses to do with their estate than to be distressed about the thought of their passing.

You can be distressed at the thought of someone passing, whilst also being concerned about any potential impact the decisions they have made during their life will have on the family. Everyone SHOULD talk about the provisions in their will with their families. It's an unpalatable conversation, but if everyone knows what is happening, why it is happening, then there are no surprises when the worst happens and a family is already grieving and emotions are running high.

The OP is right to be concerned. It doesn't sound like the mother has thought about the potential impacts on the other children. Will the brother be expecting the other siblings to pay towards inheritance tax so the house doesn't have to be sold? Who will pay for maintenance of the property that he is living in? Will the siblings be liable for tax considerations or financial implications because of it? It may seem like a lovely idea to split the house equally but give one sibling residency rights, but you can't do that without thinking through all the implications of that decision and determining how that will be managed.

Yanbu what a shock for you. You are all her children and you have not been treated equally. This is not fair. I can't believe how harsh people are being to you op

I can't believe it either. Totally understand. One time when the mumsnetaibu jury has got it really wrong.
Of course one sibling should not be favoured over another, unless there is a specific reason to do so, eg the others have received something else. Chin up lovey. You're not wrong.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, and you're getting an unfair pasting here. Inheritance isn't just money is it, it's bound up with all sorts of feelings surrounding love, sibling favouritism etc etc. I think those who claim they'd have no ill-feeling at all if they were effectively written out of their parents' wills are at best deluded.

If nothing else, the OP's DM has handled things badly - and as Midnite suggests needs to seriously think through the practical implications of her decision.

Is this going to be one of those threads where the woman who's talked about is younger than I am?

OP, I think your mum hasn't thought it through. If your brother married, he could have his new wife and family living there. If he then died, they'd have the right to live there. It's not fair on you or your siblings.

Why can't people realise how much damage they can do if they leave their money split unfairly?

OP

you're main problem seems to be assuming, that's never a good idea.

Do you know I would give anything to spend a day with my mum, she died very suddenly and I didn't get to say goodbye. I would imagine I'm not on my own here, and maybe one of the reasons you are getting a hard time.

I can't believe it either. Totally understand. One time when the mumsnetaibu jury has got it really wrong.
Of course one sibling should not be favoured over another, unless there is a specific reason to do so, eg the others have received something else. Chin up lovey. You're not wrong.

Your, ffs

yanbu

I hope none of my children 'expect' an inheritance, but I also hope to pass on what I have inherited (financially and in other ways), with some added value from my lifetime of labour and learning, and a fair share for all.

'Fair' might have to take into consideration all sorts of variables.

YANBU for expecting fairness.

Tbh, I can see why you are upset. But none of this has happened yet and in reality, she is still leaving the property to you all, your brother just gets to live there if that is still what he wants. You may v well find his life moves on and he will ultimately prefer the security of his own home over his family's head than one dependant on hus remaining alive. He may decide he too prefers a lump sum, there may be tax arising that cannot be paid unless the house is sold etc etc.

Your mum should get proper advice though so she knows the implications for you all. She almost certainly hasn't really thought it through, just doesn't want to see your brother homeless.

It's just the kind of thing that creates ructions in a family too which I am sure she wouldn't want either.

That clause needs to be removed. Nothing to stop him sitting on everyone else's inheritance if he feels like being an arse as you think he will.

Obviously it's your mum's money, I think she hasn't thought it through. It's not as if he's an elderly relative given a few more years, it's realistically giving him the house.

Possibly with the support of your sisters I'd speak to your mum and iron this out. I doubt she meant it to work the way it's worded. Also think about gifting the property between you now with the stipulation that she can live there til she dies. If she 'pays' market rent (which you declare and are taxed on) and if she survives 7 years there will be no inheritance tax..... Could save everyone a lot of money....

What a disgusting sounding OP.

I hate people who talk about inheritance like they are counting down the day to it.

My parents are wealthy with a home worth a few £M, and I often get asked by people why I work so hard at my career when I will get that money at some point.

My response to them is that I don't want a penny.
I would give it all to have just a few more moments of time with my parents.
I hate that my parents are sensible and put money away to have something to pass down.

As hard as I work to show them that it's not needed, nothing changes.
I tell them to spend their money.
Go travelling.
But flash cars.
I would rather they enjoy every last penny and if for some reason they decided that another family member should live in the house after they are gone, I would be glad that the house remains in the family rather than be sold

Beaverfever I'm glad you''re lucky enough to have nice parents. I have a horrible, cantankerous mother who, in spite of all I do for her, is never happy with me.

I am treated like I am still a child while she thinks the sun shines out of other family and ex-family members' arses.

I think it seems unfair.
I think I would be hurt by the favouritism.

I can totally understand your anger.

This happened to an ex boyfriend of mine. His two brothers (both in very good jobs) lived at home with their elderly parents, had never moved out. My ex lived in his own flat.

His parents died within weeks of one another and he found the house (in a much gentrified part of London, so worth over 1 mill at the time) had been left to the three of them but with his brothers allowed to live there as long as they chose. Which obviously they did choose to do and are still doing so ten years on.

Aside from then having to sell his flat to cover costs, he was heartbroken that his parents had favoured him so little. He felt it would have been better to have been disinherited than to be left with this burden.

He no longer speaks to his brothers.

My grandma decided that as my aunt (divorced and low pay) had much less money than my Dad she told my Dad she was leaving her flat to my Aunt.

When she died and they read the will in turned out that she was leaving it to them both but my Aunt could live in it for as long as she wanted. But she would have to maintain it, and she could afford to, so it was sold. My Aunt was a bit upset / surprised about it as she had been told for 10 years it was being left to her. She assumed she would be able to sell it and use the proceeds!

The reason I said YABU was not because I think it's fair to treat siblings differently but because the tone of the OP is so grabby, selfish and entitled. She said she hates her mum for it, she sounds like a stroppy child having a tantrum.

Tbh honest, if I had the support of someone day in day out then I'd be more inclined to favour them over another who wasn't there. People may see the brother as living off his mother, she may well of seen him as a godsent.

I think it's very disrespectful to moan about the wishes of the mother. She had every entitlement to leave her estate as she saw fit.

YANBU - its not fair. Siblings should be treated equally unless there is some incredibly pressing reason not to, eg, disability.

Your mother is storing up a whole heap of resentment.

And you know, what mintyy said too.

I would not let my parents favour me in that way over my sister - its just wrong.

YANBU and I'm also extremely surprised at those thinking you are. I don't think that thinking about the practicalities of this means you are wishing your DM's life away.

Through a complicated set of circumstances my DB ended up with a far larger share of my DF/DGP's estate. My DF realised how things had worked out and made it clear to my DB and I that he trusted us to sort it out between us. It was so complicated I'm sure many siblings would have fallen out over it but we worked it out and all is fine. Wills are a nightmare.

I would be very worried about the tax liability here. What if the DB doesn't want to move and and all the siblings have to pay inheritance tax. Perhaps the DB can afford to pay his share (not paying any rent etc), can the others force him to move so the house can be sold? Could they end up with a huge financial hit without any prospect of actually benefiting from the estate?