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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel utterly depressed about my MIL?

449 replies

Crystalballs · 10/11/2013 15:18

I'm afraid this is long but I should give some background to put things into context.

DH and I have been together 8 years and have a child. My mother in law pretends to my face that she loves and supports me but it has never felt very genuine. Despite this, over the last 2 years I have started to trust her and believed she had grown to love me in some way. Obviously I'll never be one of her own and I know that, but I felt we had a good relationship.

Yesterday my friend and I overheard her making some bitchy remarks about me (we had taken my DC to visit her at her place of work, and she thought we had left when we were around the corridor after using the bathroom). We overheard MIL speaking to her sister (my Aunty in law), she said that I wasted her son's money (I don't, and one third of our household income is from my earnings), and that I should be more than happy with my lot as I've done so well in marrying her son compared to the rest of my family who have nothing.

Just 5 minutes beforehand MIL had told me she loved me. I feel so hurt and depressed by all this. It's as though we've regressed back to 6 years ago when I first became pregnant and had DC. MIL found it very difficult when DC was born and accused me of keeping her from DC because I wouldn't let her give DC first bath, let her look after DC alone and stay the night at her house at a couple of weeks old etc. I felt at the time very threatened by how much MIL thought of herself as 'mother' to my child. She even referred to my DC as her 'firstborn'.

DH is very supportive of me however it's difficult for him to act on this. The last time he did catch MIL speaking in this way about me, he confronted her but she burst into tears and basically sulked for one month whilst we had numerous phone calls from my sisters in law pleading for DH to apologise to MIL and stop her feeling so sad. In the end we gave in.

If DH or I confront MIL with this latest event it's 100% likely she will again sulk and make herself the victim. I obviously feel like I want I give her a very wide berth for a while but there's only so long I can do this before the sisters in law get involved and all side with MIL because they feel sorry of her.

I am completely fed up and feel so stupid for believing MIL thought well of me. I can't cope with this stupid childish woman any longer.

OP posts:
ziggiestardust · 15/12/2013 15:09

Hasn't left her bedroom? Oh well, they'd better call the doctor as she's clearly ill.

No. She assaulted you whilst you were holding your child, and then you asked her why she had said xyz a few weeks back and she went hysterical. Say you can only assume it's the fear of being caught out. But still, she can apologise when she's ready. You're not in the wrong.

Iheartcrunchiebars · 15/12/2013 15:21

Stick to your guns. Stay strong. This will set the pattern. If people bring it up explain it is her choice. She was invited to christmas buy choose not to come. Like other posters say your DH has to support you.

EQ2Junkie · 15/12/2013 15:25

You have made the first step. Now you need to maintain it and keep pulling her up every time until she realises she will not win this one.

You do not need to go and sort things out you and she both know what happened.

Be prepared to have to fight your corner on all sides though from the sounds of your H saying you need to come and sort it Sad

diddl · 15/12/2013 15:33

"My DH insisted I go and talk to her, to sort it out. "

That's a problem.

She tried to control/manhandle you-she should have been booted out on her arse for laying a finger on you.

" MIL is the poor victim, who won't get to spend Christmas Day with her DGC "-result!

She's not worth thinking about.

She deserves no sympathy as she causes it herself.

ivykaty44 · 15/12/2013 15:34

you are making this all to important, you really need to play this down and make fun of the silly cow.

Of it was nothing was it MIL it was just that dd didn't want to cuddle you yet again wasn't it but don't worry I am sure she still love you

Oh MIL you's such a silly granny aren't you with your silly ways - then walk away

let her moan to everyone when she sees that it doesn't matter to you she will not know what to do.

because you get upset she does it all the more - you need to brush it of as nothing - oh "granny sulks" is here dd and say it in front of her. if anyone says any hting its affection name granny sulks and make out that granny sulks she loves being called granny sulks its funny

a bully will run scared when you attack

MoominMammasHandbag · 15/12/2013 15:40

To those of you who worry about your in laws affecting your relationship with your DCs

My FiL is actually a really lovely grandad and my kids adored him when they were little, but as they have grown older they have realised he is really quite nasty and goady to me, while I pretty much try to do the decent thing. It has actually really affected their relationship with him to the extent that he feels very hurt and sidelined.

For example, I cooked a nice dinner the other day and invited him round to spend the afternoon and evening with us. He pretty much treated me like the kitchen skivvy the whole day, not one word of thanks. We had just settled down with a glass of wine in the lounge when he went into a complete tirade at me for being a cold hearted, emotionless person. Prime evidence for this is apparently me not dissolving into tears over his favourite lift music Andre Rieu. I just sat there smiling, serenely while he got more and more aggressive and rude until teenage DS1 and DD1 told him in no uncertain terms not to be so nasty.

I have to say DH and BiL were actually finding this all quite amusing (presumably because they know I was irritated rather than upset and am quite capable of standing up for my self if necessary). Thing is, I don't need to justify myself any more, my children are quite clear where their loyalties lie.

RandomMess · 15/12/2013 15:47

Hmm I wonder if you can do a bit of broken record "I will be happy to sort thing out with MIL when she is ready to apologise for saying xyz about me which Jane and I overheard and of course apologise for trying to drag me out of the utility room whilst comforting my dd"

Repeat to all those who try to lay on the guilt trip?

I do think your dh is a big part of the problem here though. Does he think you were imagining what your MIL said about you, does he think you are lying about her trying to pull you out of the utility room?

thebody · 15/12/2013 15:49

moonmin how horrible. think your dh and bil though should be the ones telling him to fuck off. still at least your dcs now know what he's like.

fryingpantoface · 15/12/2013 16:05

Just wanted to say well done for standing up to her!

Original poster
Crystalballs · 15/12/2013 16:06

I do think DH needs to stand up to her. He is seeing her tomorrow and has said he will talk to her. If she knows her son disapproves of her behaviour at least I have some chance of her not doing it in front of him. I can completely avoid seeing her on my own.

What can he say to her that will put the message across loud and clear?

My wife comes first?
She is the children's mother not you?
You cannot tell lies and cry to get away with bad behaviour?
If you have a problem with my wife you need to deal with it yourself and stop speaking badly about her to the rest of the family?

OP posts:
freemanbatch · 15/12/2013 16:11

I lost count of the number of times my husband made me go and apologise to his mother so that she wouldn't be upset. Her screaming at me in the street at DD1's christening, me asking her to ring rather than just to turn up at my house and hammer on the door whenever she felt like it. Me asking her not to turn up at nursery banging on the door crying that the staff saw more of her grand daughter than she did and god knows what else. All these apologies had to be made in front of the whole family so they knew I was sorry for being nasty to MIL and so that they stopped falling out with him for my behaviour.

It turns out the whole lot of them are abusive gits and me finally refusing to do as I was told with his family led to him raping me and seriously abusing our kids.

No man will ever tell me to apologise to his mother again and any man who thinks he can make his wife behave like that is one I would warn against having any more to do with.

MoominMammasHandbag · 15/12/2013 16:14

The body
DH and BiL have a bit of a strange relationship with their Dad. He is very much the silverback in our family. DH and BiL were both proper Mummy's boys to be honest. No way would I have started a family with DH while his Mum was alive. She was up there with the worst MiL stories on here. (For example crying down the phone when DH announced we were buying a house down south.)
I am probably the first person to ever argue with DFiL, his sons just let him be as rude as he likes to them. But DH has manned up about letting him put down the DCs. When it comes to defending me or himself he normally tries to treat it as a joke now, though he will confront in extreme cases.

FunkyBoldRibena · 15/12/2013 16:14

'stop being a two-faced goady fucker?'

thebody · 15/12/2013 16:15

freemanbatch bloody hell. hope you are ok now. hope the bastard ex is not. Thanks

thebody · 15/12/2013 16:18

moonmin

understand, but Jesus what is wrong with these people. well done you and your dcs for being strong. what a vile man.

MoominMammasHandbag · 15/12/2013 16:21

Freemanbatch
That is awful. I suppose we should not be too surprised when people turn out like their parents. I was quite glad when DD broke up with an otherwise lovely boyfriend who had an extremely controlling Dad.
DH used to be fairly goady, but I have shown zero tolerance for it over the years and he is okay now. DS1 has tendencies too but we stamp on that as well.

freemanbatch · 15/12/2013 16:30

thebody

We're ok now but the police have been useless and the CPS won't charge him on what they've been given so he is free to take me to court for access to the kids and I just have to hope that he gets very little if any contact and that I can make life good enough the rest of the time that the kids are ok Smile

The idea of husbands making their wives apologise to their mothers fills me with fear for the woman involved, I wish someone had told me it wasn't ok before it was too late!

ziggiestardust · 15/12/2013 16:35

freeman I'm so Sad and Angry for you ThanksThanksThanks

OP, he can say all of those things. And if she denies it, he can say "well my wife has no reason to lie. And I believe her, not you. Because you have previous form . You can apologise and we can try to move on, or you can carry on and I'll leave. It's your choice."

ziggiestardust · 15/12/2013 16:37

Phrases like:
'did you mean to sound so rude there?'
'Can you repeat that? I didn't quite catch it' (if you hear her bitching again; and loudly, so everyone can hear)
'No. That arrangement doesn't work. Ill phone you in a few days to work something out.'
Are all useful. Practise them, and say them in a slightly deeper tone of voice than your natural one. It makes you sound more dominant, and it will shock her.

But she will never change, and you will have to hit this like a ton of bricks.

Original poster
Crystalballs · 15/12/2013 16:41

DH agrees he will call her this evening. He also says we will never see her again if he says all those things to her. I wish he would stand up to her. It's a lot harder for him than I realised.

OP posts:
ziggiestardust · 15/12/2013 16:44

crystal yes, it will be hard for him. But does he want to answer to mummy all his life? He is a grown man, why is he still afraid of her? Why does he need her?

And she'd come crawling back. She's the type!

MoominMammasHandbag · 15/12/2013 16:47

The problem is that everyone's family dynamic is different, we all have our own normal. In my own family you said what you felt about someone to their face, you had a big shouting match healthy debate, cleared the air and you were all fine half an hour later.
In DH's family it's all about kow towing to his parents sucking it up and not rocking the boat. I think he lets too much go and just seethes with resentment, he thinks my lot are complete lunatics. Somewhere in between is probably where we should be headed.
But if your DH's normal is letting his Mum get away with murder, then it's hard to alter.

Nanny0gg · 15/12/2013 16:54

Why does he need her?

Because she's his mother. And he loves her.

Yes she's been horrible and he needs to stand up for his wife. But how do you want your children to feel about you when they're adults?

If he can support his wife and make it clear to his mother how his family should be treated, he may be able to have relationships with both without having to cut her out.

birdybear · 15/12/2013 17:00

Have you explained that he needs to support you, not her?

ziggiestardust · 15/12/2013 17:19

nanny yes, but there's more to that. It's like he needs her to like him for everything to be ok. If she's been horrible to the OP, why is he frightened of speaking to his mother in a reasoned way? Not shouting and swearing, like "as I understand, this has what has taken place, and it isn't acceptable." Then having a reasoned conversation like adults.

Why is he afraid to do that? Is it because he knows she won't be able to hold a conversation like that?