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Original poster

To feel utterly depressed about my MIL?

449 replies

Crystalballs · 10/11/2013 15:18

I'm afraid this is long but I should give some background to put things into context.

DH and I have been together 8 years and have a child. My mother in law pretends to my face that she loves and supports me but it has never felt very genuine. Despite this, over the last 2 years I have started to trust her and believed she had grown to love me in some way. Obviously I'll never be one of her own and I know that, but I felt we had a good relationship.

Yesterday my friend and I overheard her making some bitchy remarks about me (we had taken my DC to visit her at her place of work, and she thought we had left when we were around the corridor after using the bathroom). We overheard MIL speaking to her sister (my Aunty in law), she said that I wasted her son's money (I don't, and one third of our household income is from my earnings), and that I should be more than happy with my lot as I've done so well in marrying her son compared to the rest of my family who have nothing.

Just 5 minutes beforehand MIL had told me she loved me. I feel so hurt and depressed by all this. It's as though we've regressed back to 6 years ago when I first became pregnant and had DC. MIL found it very difficult when DC was born and accused me of keeping her from DC because I wouldn't let her give DC first bath, let her look after DC alone and stay the night at her house at a couple of weeks old etc. I felt at the time very threatened by how much MIL thought of herself as 'mother' to my child. She even referred to my DC as her 'firstborn'.

DH is very supportive of me however it's difficult for him to act on this. The last time he did catch MIL speaking in this way about me, he confronted her but she burst into tears and basically sulked for one month whilst we had numerous phone calls from my sisters in law pleading for DH to apologise to MIL and stop her feeling so sad. In the end we gave in.

If DH or I confront MIL with this latest event it's 100% likely she will again sulk and make herself the victim. I obviously feel like I want I give her a very wide berth for a while but there's only so long I can do this before the sisters in law get involved and all side with MIL because they feel sorry of her.

I am completely fed up and feel so stupid for believing MIL thought well of me. I can't cope with this stupid childish woman any longer.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crystalballs · 15/12/2013 17:55

Yes, he knows she won't be able to have a conversation like that. She will begin to cry and tell him she loves him and just go off into a stream of I love you, I would never do that, etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crystalballs · 15/12/2013 18:01

And yes, he does also need to be seen as the good guy.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 15/12/2013 18:03

Ok why doesn't he start off with 'why were you slagging my wife off behind her back and why did you try and assault her today?

ziggiestardust · 15/12/2013 18:17

Well he can just calmly say "this is what crystal said and I believe her. I love you too, but you can't do that I'm afraid. It's unacceptable behaviour."

If she says she didn't do it he can say "so is crystal lying then? Why do you think she would lie about something like that?"
And I think if she gives a reason like 'because she's trying to drive me out', then I think you have the reason for your problems with her.

He can say "well I believe crystal and I heard what happened, so it's unfortunate you feel the need to lie like that. I'm sorry you feel this way".

As long as he remains calm, and measured and doesn't swear or raise his voice; he will be the good guy. Maybe you could record the conversation so you have exactly what happens if SIL asks? That way it's not he said/ she said.

Noctilucent · 15/12/2013 18:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DameFanny · 15/12/2013 18:32

Will it help to remind your h that she showed no regard for dd when she retired to drag you out while you were holding dd? And that it's not usual to be so concerned with carrying on an argument thant you end up frightening - or accidentally hurting - a child?

Bigbadgladioli · 15/12/2013 19:06

I think you are a polite person who likes things to be nice, who likes to make the best of things. It can be very difficult then to go against social norms. You say you can't imagine withdrawing from her completely. Start imagining. You can do it. Be quite clear to yourself about what you want and learn language, set phrases to keep her at bay. Be vague and if pushed dismissive and/or rude. Enjoy being rude: She's being rude in an outrageous fashion. Know that you are right. Don't let her use social norms as a means to control you.

I've been extracting myself from a similar situation for years. And like you, I was in a situation where she had her hooks right in. And we saw her at least once a week. She would tell all friends and relatives that Tuesday was "her day". It was so difficult to change that. She would get aggressive if it was just me and tearful if my DH was there. She wouldn't say anything to me but would tell all her friends and family what was bugging her and then they would each come round and tell us how concerned they were for poor ...let's call her ho'bag...I felt unhinged. The situation could not continue. It has been really tough but it has been worth it. The kids are so much better now that I and my DH are not being constantly undermined and managed by a really nasty piece of work. We are all so much better.

When the penny finally dropped that she didn't have our best interests at heart and was manipulative and heartless and I could never give her enough (I would literally have had to die for her to be happy), the kids were just starting school, and I took the opportunity to get really, really busy, play dates, clubs, spontaneous events. Importantly, I also learnt whenever she tried to set up a date to say "I will get back to you", "I will check my calendar" so she couldn't just breenge on in at short notice.

I am afraid I had to get on and do all this without DH's active support. Utterly heartbreaking. Really didn't think we would survive as a family. He has started to be more supportive recently.

Saying all that, we are still going to see her on Christmas Day. I wish we could emigrate.

I wish you all the very, very best. My heart goes out to you.

Annonynon · 15/12/2013 19:12

Well done for standing up to her, you have tolerated so much more than I ever would have and you have done nothing wrong. Don't let them make you doubt yourself. Their opinion and guilt trips mean nothing because they obviously don't care about you so you shouldn't care about what they think

Your DH is being pathetic and he really needs to grow up. Of course it's difficult for him, but that doesn't mean it can be ignored. Why is your happiness so unimportant to him? In an ideal world he wouldn't have to stand up to her, but in the real world he needs to do what's best for his wife and child and these problems were caused by your mil not you so you shouldn't be the one to suffer

I would have zero respect left for my DH if he let me be treated like this and as much as I adore my own dm I would never let her treat my DH badly by her

RandomMess · 15/12/2013 19:25

I hope it goes well this evening, your MIL is going to need a lot of training by your dh to make it a workable relationship all around. Please try and emotionally detach as much as posible.

Bigbadgladioli · 15/12/2013 19:30

Moomin your family dynamic is just like ours. And my DH also thinks that my family are borderline loons. We prefer to get things out there. Clear the air. I had never come across this kind of situation before. I was totally unprepared for the two-faced, manipulative, control for the sake of control nonsense going on. And everyone in the family toeing the line regardless of the cost to themselves. As long as mummy is happy. I was totally sucked in...Until I saw the damage...

Original poster
Crystalballs · 15/12/2013 21:08

Thank you for all the messages of support. It's helping me in my moments of self doubt - so easy to have your thoughts clouded when so many people around you seem to disagree.

He just made the call. He made it clear I would come first from here on in, and that MIL is to stop ignoring the fact this is our home and our DC.

She listened, she tried to turn things on me a few times, she said all this was me saying things about her and what else have I been saying, she made thinly veiled threats to tell more members of the family about what's going on. She also told him I was rude to her when she turned up here recently. Not true and he told her he didn't believe her.

DH is feeling a bit flat but has told me he's sorry he hasn't stood up for me before. He feels sad that he knows MIL won't treat him the same again after this.

I know that inherently she won't change, she'll still be one to talk behind people's backs rather than to them. But I know I am no longer going to stay in a manipulative situation. I have to keep up being clear and direct with her, and if she begins again I will stand up to her again. She knows now I've seen this side of her and so has her son.

OP posts:
HansieMom · 15/12/2013 21:19

Thank goodness. Good for your DH. Now you can relax with DD and DD-who-is-not-here-yet.

ziggiestardust · 15/12/2013 21:21

Well done OP! And well done OP's DH!

FunnyFestiveTableRunner · 15/12/2013 21:41

You did well and so did your Dh. Give each other a big hug.

cees · 15/12/2013 22:10

Well done to you both, I am so glad to read your update. Right now you both probably feel deflated but you stood up for yourself and your family, you will feel much better because you took her control away, well done.

AngelaDaviesHair · 16/12/2013 00:08

Yes, well done. And don't feel you have to take your SIL's calls, by the way.

fryingpantoface · 16/12/2013 02:25

Well done to you both

diddl · 16/12/2013 08:21

" He feels sad that he knows MIL won't treat him the same again after this. "

In some ways I don't understand this.

He's happy for his wife to be treated like shit as long as that means his mum treats him OK?

That's not on at all & having seen through her he should be pretty disgusted & wanting very little/nothing to do with her.

I'm sure that's easier said than done, of course.

Perhaps quite a few of us put up with stuff from parents that we wouldn't from others-but badmouthing, manhandling, downright lies-not on at all.

If she wants to see her son/GD, she'll sort herself out.

If not-why would he want to bother with her?

Original poster
Crystalballs · 16/12/2013 08:23

Thank you. I feel a lot lighter this morning. Getting some clarity too and remembering some things that I've lost sight of over the past few years.

I've remembered how unhappy my MIL is with her life, her marriage has never been a happy one and her DH very selfish. She has no freedom to make any choices and has to run everything past her DH - even buying a new dress for example. Also that her own MIL treated her badly for years. I suppose she is repeating the pattern. At one point during DH's call she began talking about how bad she has had it and all that she has had to put up with. Does she subconsciously think we should have to suffer some of what she did?

She has been projecting her unhappiness onto us and I'm not going to let that happen anymore.

OP posts:
diddl · 16/12/2013 08:26

In some ways, that makes it worse.

You'd think she would find some happiness/normality where she could iyswim.

Original poster
Crystalballs · 16/12/2013 08:27

Diddl I know, it's just cutting that last apron string. He still wants his mother to think the sun shines and he has been worshipped by his parents so he's used to their infallible support and love. MIL will see this as a betrayal and is too childish to be able to get past it completely.

She is very, very, emotionally immature.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crystalballs · 16/12/2013 08:31

I can't understand why she isn't hyper sensitive about being a loving and supportive MIL when she has been through a horrible time with hers. It doesn't make much sense to me either.

But in her mind she thinks she should be excused for her bad behaviour because of everything she puts up with with her DH and unhappy marriage. It's ridiculous but this is the way the family has operated for years and they all enable it.

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 16/12/2013 08:59

Well done to your DH, OP.

It takes courage to stand up to a parent.

I think you and he are now on the right track to getting some peace in your life.

You and he will have to accept that you will never change her, and will never change his sisters either. You know it's never going to be genuine happy families after all this. That's a shame. But it's not your fault. It's hers.

What you CAN change, and have begun to now, is the way you let her effect your lives. Keep on keeping on! Flowers

NativityAlien · 16/12/2013 09:19

Both my MIL and mother had difficult mothers and MIL - and they were an absolute nightmare when we first had DC.

My MIL was also still in her 50 - and dressed younger and thought of herself as young and having a GC, despite her DS being in his 30's, seems to phase her she wanted the GC but wanted people to think she was the mother.

Took years of standing up to her.

When she undermined me to the DC - I found myself making fun of her to the DC and DH joined in and they told her and she was hurt but that behavior stopped. I wouldn't let them have the DC by themselves till they took safety seriously - rather than using it as a way to undermine us and till they stopped undermining us.

If she dished it out to me she got it back. I was fully prepare to be the bad guy - as I figure I was anyway behind my back, and when people rang up with her side I put them in their place.

They sulked for ages one year - months and months -and we made no attempt to make up and I think it must have hit them when they saw the DC how much time they had lost. At that point they started treating DH and I with respect.

It took ages to get DH on board as he was more willing to forget and forgive their behavior.

Luckily it was all over by time eldest started school - so all they remember is us getting along.

I wasn't prepared to put up and shut up and hope as I watched my mother do that with her IL my GP. It led to her being very bitter and us as teenagers feeling like we were in the middle - as we didn't want to up set our mother our GP - and my Grandmother was very subtle by then and my mother over sensitive with entire family.

Standing up to my IL was best thing we did - they started to respect us as parents and our decisions and started being a support to us.

I've actually found it harder to stand up to my own parents.

diddl · 16/12/2013 09:21

"He still wants his mother to think the sun shines and he has been worshipped by his parents so he's used to their infallible support and love."

I find that a bit odd tbh.

He's an adult & doesn't need his parents approval, & it's a shame that seeing their love isn't unconditional hasn't made him push them away-especially now that he's a parent.

My husband is an only child & his parents have all but lived their lives through him.

It's so stifling that we moved abroad!