To feel utterly depressed about my MIL?

[Crystalballs]

I'm afraid this is long but I should give some background to put things into context.

DH and I have been together 8 years and have a child. My mother in law pretends to my face that she loves and supports me but it has never felt very genuine. Despite this, over the last 2 years I have started to trust her and believed she had grown to love me in some way. Obviously I'll never be one of her own and I know that, but I felt we had a good relationship.

Yesterday my friend and I overheard her making some bitchy remarks about me (we had taken my DC to visit her at her place of work, and she thought we had left when we were around the corridor after using the bathroom). We overheard MIL speaking to her sister (my Aunty in law), she said that I wasted her son's money (I don't, and one third of our household income is from my earnings), and that I should be more than happy with my lot as I've done so well in marrying her son compared to the rest of my family who have nothing.

Just 5 minutes beforehand MIL had told me she loved me. I feel so hurt and depressed by all this. It's as though we've regressed back to 6 years ago when I first became pregnant and had DC. MIL found it very difficult when DC was born and accused me of keeping her from DC because I wouldn't let her give DC first bath, let her look after DC alone and stay the night at her house at a couple of weeks old etc. I felt at the time very threatened by how much MIL thought of herself as 'mother' to my child. She even referred to my DC as her 'firstborn'.

DH is very supportive of me however it's difficult for him to act on this. The last time he did catch MIL speaking in this way about me, he confronted her but she burst into tears and basically sulked for one month whilst we had numerous phone calls from my sisters in law pleading for DH to apologise to MIL and stop her feeling so sad. In the end we gave in.

If DH or I confront MIL with this latest event it's 100% likely she will again sulk and make herself the victim. I obviously feel like I want I give her a very wide berth for a while but there's only so long I can do this before the sisters in law get involved and all side with MIL because they feel sorry of her.

I am completely fed up and feel so stupid for believing MIL thought well of me. I can't cope with this stupid childish woman any longer.

Ilovewoolly, wow she sounds just like my MIL. It's freaky how similar some of our stories are on this threads you can almost predict exactly what they will do in any given situation. Laughing my head off at Do be a dear and fuck off!

My MIL wanted to stay in our honeymoon room on the night of our wedding! On the pretext of looking after DC, however she did have the option of just taking DC home with her (it was very close by), if she genuinely wanted to help out and give us a night off.

I also had a lot of emotional blackmail during and after pregnancy, for example, she told everyone she was going to be in the delivery room while I was giving birth, without even asking me or DH.

She also used to say to me, don't hold your baby all the time, don't let them sleep with you, don't let them fall asleep in your arms. Then when she would have DC she would hold DC for every second of the day, trying to form some sort of bond above mine. She would tell me DC was rooting for her breasts when hungry - she wanted to breast feed my child. She would let DC sleep in her bed against my express wishes and sometimes lie to me about it.

I feel so angry today just thinking about everything I naively let happen. I'm so angry I didn't stand up for myself before.

She sounds horrid. I honestly wonder how these women become so insane?!?!?!

Crystal the honeymoon thing sounds awful , she's totally enmeshed with your husband. Mine has done similar , and I've seen mil flirt outrageously with my partner , that's when she's not crying like a little girl on him. Disgusting.

Angrys good , it will give you the drive to stop any more nonsense with her. You haven't been naive , us normal people have no idea how to deal with these freaks , and even if we object were socially pressured by the rest of the family to keep stum . How many times have you been told she meant nothing by it , she's just like that ect ?

I really would read as much as you can about narcissistic mothers . Another good read it toxic in laws , and ebookbrowsee.net/robert-glover-no-more-mr-nice-guy-pdf-d132403088. The no more mr nice guy is aimed at men but it makes no odds , you can read it on line.

"My MIL wanted to stay in our honeymoon room on the night of our wedding!"

That is seriously overstepping!

Did she try to rugby tackle you & take your place as you walked done the aisle??

done should be down, of course

"I am really not interested in playing her game"

This is what you need to say to your DH every time he brings up about you or your child going to see this witch and to yourself every time you feel yourself wavering.

She will never change, your DC will get no joy out of this relationship and you already know she will do everything in her power to badmouth you to your own child. Refuse to engage and tell your DH that he is not taking your DC over there until she stops spreading lies to everyone about you. She won't obviously which will prove her dislike of you is far stronger than her love for her DGC. I know you said your DH won't agree to cutting her out of your DCs life, but I would put my foot down and refuse to let my child go where I wasn't liked or welcomed and your DH should be on your side with that.

Oh Crystal, I know it's not funny, but I'm laughing like a drain at her trying to stay in your honeymoon room!

That sounds like a mantra to me. If ever you feel like doubting yourself - whenever the family try to pretend she's reasonable really - just repeat, "This is the woman who tried to stay in our room on our honeymoon."

Hahaha! No diddl but she did wear a white dress!

Thanks for the book recommendation, I am also just reading a good one called The wizard of Oz and other Narcissists. Sorry you've had to go through the same craziness.

Yes when I write the words here I realise just how crazy she is. And I had to firmly say No to the honeymoon request 2 or 3 times before she stopped telling me she was staying.

She doesn't ever ask, she just states what she thinks she is going to do. Then when I don't comply she plays the victim and pretends she's had her heart set on it, and is now very disappointed.

Crystal how do you feel today after yesterdays NO don't do it barrage!

Do you think you will be able to stand your ground?

Hi idratherplay. I feel angry today, and a growing sense of clarity of what is actually occurring.

I just think I have detached emotionally from MiL and this will be blatantly obvious in any future contact with her. I am not going to see her for a while, and when I do it will be on my terms, this goes for my DC too.

Physically, I have come a long way. I used to take DC to see her at least twice a week, and now I don't see her for weeks at a time.

I've now caught up mentally, and have stopped feeling confused and hurt about her mixed messages. For example when she tells me she loves me but then belittles me in front of other people. I used to be trying to gain her approval and now realise I'll never have it.

Great!! I am so glad you have shored yourself up again! Its another step towards eventually freedom!

Caving in isn't the right way to go at all.

I have just googled the book you mentioned, it has amazing reviews, I think I will also get a copy!

For example when she tells me she loves me but then belittles me in front of other people. I used to be trying to gain her approval and now realise I'll never have it

Its sad! Mine gave me a hug and acknowledged how much I had just been through ( a few years ago). Two days later she was savagely laying into me over nothing! She ruined the first few months between me and my newborn because she turned me into a sobbing mess, made me doubt myself, undermined me and so on.

Second time round she wasn't even told. I just to be deferential to her, never ever said anything that would cross her, always kept my tongue.

Now I say if she wants to ever speak to me like that again....Bring It On Bitch. I am not rolling over any more for the sake of peace But the cost of my emotional health.

Its a nice place to be!

I feel so much better. This thread has really helped me see the wood from the trees.

I highly recommend the book too, very clearly written and made so much sense.

It makes me so angry that these crazy MIL's ruin the first few months of being a mother. I experienced the same. At least we know it will never happen again, and our DC were too young to know it was happening.

Here is another good website you might want to look at.

Narcissisticabusenomore.com - sorry don't know how to do a proper link.

Thanks Crystal just had a look at that, its makes me feel so much better to see all this in black and white.

Its so hard; no one ever warns us about the possibility of awful MILS do they! you meet your dream man, think every thing is hunky dory, and then.....all hell breaks loose from the one person you would think would want them to be happy!

Crystal I posted on this thread before under previous name. Sorry it's dragging on. I think it is really important for you and DH to be on the same page about this as much as possible. Is it possible for you and him to sit down and talk through her behaviours and plan some responses he can make to any stealth attacks? It is really difficult because of the whole FOG thing but so important that you are a united front.

Thanks time to pass, I agree it is so important we are united on this. What seems to be happening is that MiL is digging a deeper and deeper hole all by herself, enabling DH to see her true colours.

For example, her new stress related illness (previously used tactic), and the way she is using her flying monkeys to guilt trip us, and the vilifying of me to the rest of the family.

I hope that by standing my ground, she will get more crazy in her attempts to manipulate the situation. And DH will see her for what she is.

Failing that, I am going to suggest therapy for us both to work through this. He will be open to that and it will help if an outsider is telling him some truths about his mother and the detrimental effect she has on our family.

Hello everyone.

I'm not sure if resurrecting an old thread is correct Mumsnet etiquette, but I wanted to post after re-reading this tonight. I was re-reading for strength! We had a very draining visit wit the in laws this week end.

MIL and FIL invited us to spend the day at their house but when we arrived they were both very drunk. MIL couldn't walk in a straight line or stand up for very long and FIL actually fell flat on his face on the kitchen floor.

MIL burst into tears as soon as I walked in, and spent quarter of an hour sobbing dramatically in front of DC about how she is sorry. For the first time in - almost a year I think - she has apologised for the things my friend and I overheard her saying about me.

The rest of the day was just so emotionally draining with lots of comments to guilt trip me and manipulate us into spending more time at their house. I stayed polite and pleasant but firmly said no to everything. They also tried asking DC to stay overnight at their house (but waited until I was out of the room to do so). Predictably DC were upset they couldn't stay. But all in all things have changed dramatically since my original post. I have honestly stopped caring how they think of me and that has made such a difference to my state of mind.

But not surprisingly I have felt so flat and depressed after seeing them. There were veiled insults directed at my family, there were many indirect comments being made towards me, suggesting I should feel terrible about not seeing so much of them the last few months. And predictably DH received a phone call from SIL today guilt tripping him about the whole situation. Poor MIL, she's your mother, she can do no wrong, the usual.

They also tried asking DC to stay overnight at their house (but waited until I was out of the room to do so). Predictably DC were upset they couldn't stay

What after being that drunk they wanted GC to stay?

I have honestly stopped caring how they think of me and that has made such a difference to my state of mind. Thats brilliant and a great place to be at...

Why did he listen to his sister> or even pick up the phone...he and you know what his sister will stay so why choose to ansa the phone and let it in>

TBH I think after seeing them in that state your DH should have marched his family ie you and the children out the door and said to his parents. they were obvioulsy...not well you would come back another time.

The overnight stay request and their drunken state was ridiculous. But the rest of the family are in denial about how drunk MIL gets. I would never have let them stay.

If I walked into a situation with my DD where there were obviously drunk adults, I would turn and walk out again. I might do the same even if it was just me. Relatives or not. I may be unusual as tolerance to drunkeness seems really widespread in the UK, but I have never seen my parents drunk and can only think of one example of seeing a drunk person as a child.

I am not sure if you have been conditioned to think that it is normal to visit drunk relatives, but it really isn't.