To feel utterly depressed about my MIL?

[Crystalballs]

I'm afraid this is long but I should give some background to put things into context.

DH and I have been together 8 years and have a child. My mother in law pretends to my face that she loves and supports me but it has never felt very genuine. Despite this, over the last 2 years I have started to trust her and believed she had grown to love me in some way. Obviously I'll never be one of her own and I know that, but I felt we had a good relationship.

Yesterday my friend and I overheard her making some bitchy remarks about me (we had taken my DC to visit her at her place of work, and she thought we had left when we were around the corridor after using the bathroom). We overheard MIL speaking to her sister (my Aunty in law), she said that I wasted her son's money (I don't, and one third of our household income is from my earnings), and that I should be more than happy with my lot as I've done so well in marrying her son compared to the rest of my family who have nothing.

Just 5 minutes beforehand MIL had told me she loved me. I feel so hurt and depressed by all this. It's as though we've regressed back to 6 years ago when I first became pregnant and had DC. MIL found it very difficult when DC was born and accused me of keeping her from DC because I wouldn't let her give DC first bath, let her look after DC alone and stay the night at her house at a couple of weeks old etc. I felt at the time very threatened by how much MIL thought of herself as 'mother' to my child. She even referred to my DC as her 'firstborn'.

DH is very supportive of me however it's difficult for him to act on this. The last time he did catch MIL speaking in this way about me, he confronted her but she burst into tears and basically sulked for one month whilst we had numerous phone calls from my sisters in law pleading for DH to apologise to MIL and stop her feeling so sad. In the end we gave in.

If DH or I confront MIL with this latest event it's 100% likely she will again sulk and make herself the victim. I obviously feel like I want I give her a very wide berth for a while but there's only so long I can do this before the sisters in law get involved and all side with MIL because they feel sorry of her.

I am completely fed up and feel so stupid for believing MIL thought well of me. I can't cope with this stupid childish woman any longer.

If contact needs to happen make sure it is on your terms. Invite her over for lunch and then if she refuses then you know she can't be that cut up about not seeing her gcs. Don't go over to hers and let her be Lady Of The House lording it over you in her territory. Issue invitations as regularly as you would like contact, so you have the control, and then even if she refuses them she can never say you closed the door on her.

Some fab advice here.

Be strong - for the sakes of your children.

Don't go and dont let DH take the DCs. My MIL is a nightmare, but unlike people who post on here, DH never takes any nonsense from her. Actually he doesn't even like her. I hace always stood up to her, we hate each other, but she still causes me, stress.

We went NC for years and then she started to come for a couple of hours every few weeks, I was never in the house when she was tgere. We allowed her to come because DD2 was little and likedto play with her, DD1 has never had anytime gor her.

A few years ago MIL was rude to me after I had did something kind to her. She didn't realise the DD had heard. DD was 8 or 9. She immediately asked MIL why she had said what she did and wouldn't let ut drop.

It ruined their realationship, and MIL is barely tolerated,she appears now and again to see DH who is totaly disinterested. I threw her iut just last week and neither DD batted an eyelid.

The point is no children need a toxic grandparent. If your MIL really loved them she modify her behaviour and be polite around you. She thrives on drama and being the queen bee this is all that matters to her.

My MIL had been pandered to all her life, I came along and refused, I didnt care if she didnt like me, it was her son I wanted to be with, not her.

Sorry about typos Im on the phone and couldnt get the box to scroll down again!

Grrrr, I have been in a similar situation and am cross on your behalf.

You need to be the lioness, now.

I think it might be time to tell DH that you just will not absorb the level of sheer contempt, never mind disrespect, implied by expecting you to make friends with somebody who came into your home, assaulted you in a private moment with your child, and fucking bare-facedly lied about it like a six year old child. That shit might fly with her own kids and that's understandable, but don't be treated like some fucking vagrant who wandered in off the street - it is BEYOND COMPREHENSION that DH would fail to back you up on this.

That family needs to stop wasting their time trying to persuade you that violating your family home and trust in this way is perfectly normal and OK, and get to the task of fucking well telling her off for her disgraceful behaviour and making sure it doesn't happen again! Rawr!

Actually, do you want me to come around and shout at her?

...and... breathe. Apologies for potty mouth, I think I'm becoming an old woman prone to "blood boiling". :)

Spot on balding ballerina. That is exactly what will happen, DH finds it very difficult when they withdraw their love from him. He is at the point where he can now see what happens but is still quite weak about sticking to standing up to his mother.

Its a process Crystal these things dont happen over night but you are not supporting him by caving in with him, you are not helping him, you are just being weak, and you are not helping yourself and you are certainly not helping your children.

Imagine for instance if this was your daughter, relaying how her MIL was treating her, what you advise her to do? If she came to you in tears all the time, and all the things you have said...

there is no way on this earth I would be encouraging my dds to put up with that.

cyrstal

I dont know about you - but for me, knowing these people have a nick name, being flying monkeys has certainly helped me put mine into context, esp the next time FIL darkenx our door!

Please bear in mind that standing up to your parent is about the most terrifying thing in the world to do.

The fear these people instill in us - with or without flying monkeys - is beyond the comprehension of many. It is the biggest baddest darkest fear that A CHILD would have. it's the fear a child has, so all encompassing, all overwhelming.

Nonetheless, we have to support those lost in that F.O.G and show them that normal is not like 'this' and that they have to be strong, and the world won't come tumbling down upon them.

I know, it's terrifying I completely agree. The problem with this situation is that DH is conditioned and loves his mother far more than I do, so he will always cave. Because I no longer care very much about his mother it's easier for me to walk away.

So I sometimes say to DH, yes let's visit your mother because I can see him in pain when there is conflict. I know it's more painful for him to be cast out by his mother, than it is for me to put up with her nonsense.

In a nutshell, I have detached from MIL and DH has not. So until we are both in the same place with this, we're going to end up arguing and I will feel like he is not with me on this.

Blood is not all that.

Family is not all that.

It is time your husband grew some balls and decided who means more to him.

You are enabling her to treat you like shit. You are allowing other family members to do the same and put you in your place.

I know it is hard but NOTHING will change if you all carry on this shit that MIL is all important and everyone has to pander to her.

The children will suffer more from seeing their mother treated like shit by their "grandmother" and as not as important to their father as you are to them than going NC.

Not that MIL has tried to turn the rest of the family against me by gaining their sympathy, I'm just wondering what will happen next. I think this is all she's got.

She will never directly do anything herself. She gets her way by getting the monkeys to act on her behalf.

So, we don't get invited to a few family events, and the rest of the family are frosty towards me. I can live with that.

What will she do next I wonder?

But what we're saying to you Crystal, is that there is no obligation for you or your children to go with him when he visits, so why are you continuing to get drawn into the drama?

He is an adult. If he wants to visit his mother, then he can. Alone.

I know it's extremely difficult, but you must put yours and your children's welfare first.

She will develop a convenient illness which will mean everyone has to flock to her aid and she will be beyond reproach.

"Nerves", a vague heart problem, palpitations...something nebulous and with no outward signs which can be applied to any convenient situations get the focus back on her and away from her behaviour.

I'm just wondering what will happen next. I think this is all she's got.

Never underestimate Crazy.

But hopefully that will play into your hands. If you remain calm and don't bite, carry on doing what you know is right, then none of her Crazy will get through to you.

Quite a few lights being switched on for me, from all the responses on this thread, thank you everyone for posting.

I can see now that MIL is honestly more concerned about playing the victim than she is about actually seeing her GC.

All she seems to care about is that I bow down to her and let her treat me badly.

I'm on my second lot of toxic in laws . With the first I had no idea and spent years upset, arguing and trying to reason . My ex h wouldn't have it and was a wimp and coward with her . He thought it reasonable that I tolerate her abuse because well , she was his mother. I was the eternal bad guy.

She spoilt what should have been every nice moment in my marriage. Father in law was also a wimp and enabled her along with everyone else. She had trained my h to be a victim himself , and he wasn't against using similar tactics like her when he couldn't get his own way .

He would object loudly when her abuse was directed at him but would excuse it or downplay it when it happened to me. Sometimes it would occur in front of him and he would still insist I was too sensitive. We had to visit every weekend or face punishment . It came to a head when I exploded at her one day , I never saw her again .Guess how often he visits now he's single ? Twice a year , ha!

Ex husbands wimpy behaviour , lack of boundaries , people pleasing speuked into every area of our marriage . He had never been taught healthy behaviour . I lost all respect for him and binned him off , much to mil delight.

I met someone new. After the last experience I didn't want to get involved with the in laws . I had little contact and at worse thought mil was a bit odd. Wrong !!!!!!

Ex mil was a vicious bitch and makes no bones about it. New mil masquerades as a lovely old granny who wouldn't hurt a fly. She's even worse than the last one and is a pervert and a criminal.. She can turn on the tears in a heartbeat and is known for what I call Busby abuse , ringing up flying monkeys to bleat. Her lies are phenomenal.

I wasn't up for this a second time and I made it clear that a condition of continuing in the relationship would be to sort it, properly. My partner has done that , counselling , books , forums , and he's finally gone no contact and has much better boundaries . It has not been easy but. I'm very proud of him. He was in total denial initially.

If he ever allows mil into our relationship , or has me affected by her absurd behaviour I will have to reconsider our relationship for the sake of my own well being . I will not be around these not rights or their enablers.

All that glistens, because DH visiting alone might fly just once, but MiL will demand he brings GC with him the next time. And DH will never agree to his mother never being allowed to see GC.

Little grey, she already developed one of those illnesses. Apparently it was brought on by the stress of all this.

I'm.sorry, I know you must feel as though you're being arranged here, people have your best interests at heart, honestly

So, your MIL will tantrum, inevitably.

And so what??

This is where you have to set boundaries with your DH too I'm afraid, regardless of who it is, if she is using your children, causing them emotional harm or as pawns in her power trip then she has absolutely no right to be involved with them.

Ask your husband this, would he let any other adult cause these problems for his children? And if not, why does he expect you, as their mother, to allow it to happen?

Ballerina, your 2nd MiL sounds just like mine. Good for you for sorting it all out properly with your DH.

Barraged not arranged, excuse the typos I have a toddler on my knee!

No Glistens, i need the insights and advice, I appreciate all of your posts I really do. Sometimes it takes someone removed from a situation to help you see it clearly.