To feel utterly depressed about my MIL?

[Crystalballs]

I'm afraid this is long but I should give some background to put things into context.

DH and I have been together 8 years and have a child. My mother in law pretends to my face that she loves and supports me but it has never felt very genuine. Despite this, over the last 2 years I have started to trust her and believed she had grown to love me in some way. Obviously I'll never be one of her own and I know that, but I felt we had a good relationship.

Yesterday my friend and I overheard her making some bitchy remarks about me (we had taken my DC to visit her at her place of work, and she thought we had left when we were around the corridor after using the bathroom). We overheard MIL speaking to her sister (my Aunty in law), she said that I wasted her son's money (I don't, and one third of our household income is from my earnings), and that I should be more than happy with my lot as I've done so well in marrying her son compared to the rest of my family who have nothing.

Just 5 minutes beforehand MIL had told me she loved me. I feel so hurt and depressed by all this. It's as though we've regressed back to 6 years ago when I first became pregnant and had DC. MIL found it very difficult when DC was born and accused me of keeping her from DC because I wouldn't let her give DC first bath, let her look after DC alone and stay the night at her house at a couple of weeks old etc. I felt at the time very threatened by how much MIL thought of herself as 'mother' to my child. She even referred to my DC as her 'firstborn'.

DH is very supportive of me however it's difficult for him to act on this. The last time he did catch MIL speaking in this way about me, he confronted her but she burst into tears and basically sulked for one month whilst we had numerous phone calls from my sisters in law pleading for DH to apologise to MIL and stop her feeling so sad. In the end we gave in.

If DH or I confront MIL with this latest event it's 100% likely she will again sulk and make herself the victim. I obviously feel like I want I give her a very wide berth for a while but there's only so long I can do this before the sisters in law get involved and all side with MIL because they feel sorry of her.

I am completely fed up and feel so stupid for believing MIL thought well of me. I can't cope with this stupid childish woman any longer.

Superior - not supper

Crystal,

Your DH is very much in what is known as FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) and you're as caught up in it as well because you are still trying to do "normal" family relations along with trying to conduct some sort of a relationship with a person who is clearly dysfunctional and does not give two hoots.

Your boundaries still are at the very least way too low.

Even seeing the woman six times a year is to my mind six times too many. You will dread each visit and resent your H because of his mother. Why should she get to see any of you at all?. You would not tolerate this at all from a friend, his toxic mother is no different really.

Your children need positive and life affirming role models - not someone who disrespects their own parents at any opportunity presented to them.
You do not need to keep going back for yet more abuse in the hopes she will change - these people do not change.

Your DH may never go no contact with his mother granted (due to FOG and conditioning) but that does not mean that you should put up and shut up. You seem overtly concerned about what society would generally think and that is probably because you have fortunately come from a family where this type of familial dysfunction is thankfully unknown. It is NOT your fault she is this way but you will kick yourself bigtime in years to come if you allow any sort of relationship between your MIL and your children. It is a decision that will come back to haunt you because there is really no good reason at all here to continue or maintain any sort of contact at all.

Atilla

May I ask you what parents are supposed to say to their children when they ask to see Grandma?

Society conditioning is all round us, in books, films and so on.

Oh Crystal what a shit situation

My MIL is very scarily similar. Caused no end of arguments between me and my DH to the point that I was considering leaving him. It was the last thing I wanted, I loved him and we have 3 DC together. When I explained to him how I was feeling he took me seriously. We dealt with it by moving (to the other side of the world so slightly overboard!)

I would agree with other posters, let your DH go to see his mum but keep your DC at home with you. It's time for him to step up, tell his mum that she must respect you if she wants back into your life. My DH was never quite brave enough for this but he did stick up for me/us when she came to visit with her list of objections to us moving, and the solutions that she would allow! She didn't make it to the end of that list!

We have been so much happier since we moved but I appreciate that is a drastic solution. My DH and DC keep in touch with his mum via Skype and I have very little to do with her. Having said that she is planning on visiting us one day, I expect I will be posting my cry for help when that day comes!

I suspect that one of the reasons I have got on well with my MIL, despite her rocky relationship with DH, was the strong sense she got from the off that I was not going to put up with any unpleasantness directed at me. Being strong tends to win, if not respect, at least a sort of non-aggression pact. Being weak gets you nowhere with unreasonable people.

I don't think she will change. I know deep down she is incapable of change. In fact, if she ends up in a position where she has to display a little more regard for me, she will only end up resenting me more.

If she resents me enough to forego seeing her GC for many weeks, she already must resent me intensely.

If I don't bring her GC to see her this week end, it will unnerve her. It will be the first time her emotional blackmail and sulking has not worked.

Crystal

re your comments to me:-

"Attilathemeerkat, you make a good point about MIL using my DC. My DH and I have been very, very surprised that MIL has gone for this long, choosing not to spend time with DC on the occasions we have invited her, just to prove a point about how much of a victim she is".

I am not at all surprised; this is precisely how such people operate. Your mother to my untrained eyes reads like a narcissist, a lot of her behaviours are narcissistic. She enjoys being the victim because it gives her the attention she so craves; she wants it to be all about her. It is NOT your fault she is like this; her own birth family did that lot of damage to her.

"Surely she could have put her feelings aside over Christmas in order to spend time with her GC?"

Again you are thinking along the lines of how "emotionally healthy and functioning people" operate. Your MIL is clearly neither. Your MIL did not want to admit any wrong doing on her part; she will never admit wrong as long as she remains on this earth.

Being on the receiving end of his dysfunctional birth family is enough to give anyone low self esteem. You can break the chain though by protecting your children at all costs from such malign influences.

You really do not want to expose them to such emotional manipulation at the hands of his mother.

I think there are two key issues here - you want to love her and you want her to love you. She doesnt, she isn't capable of it.

So try taking that out of the equation for a moment. If you don't need her to love you and you dont care what crap she comes out with what does it matter? My SIL moved away to get away from her Mum (my MIL) and she often asks how I cope. I cope by not giving a crap, by not reacting to the snipy comments and the bitching she does (we all tell each other what she says). She has good qualities and bad - you know what so do I. It honestly doesn't bother me anymore. Your comment regarding seeing her minimal times is bang on. Stick with that, be cordial and stop expecting her to change, she can't and every minute you spend battling it is a wasted minute of your life. She is background noise and nothing more.

This is what I worry about - going NC will only work for another year or two at some point my DC will ask to see grandmother. Then what do I do?

Dreading having to deal with that.

You and DC should stay at home and send DH alone. If she cannot respect you and have a civil relationship with you for the sake of her GC then she doesn't deserve everyone bending over backwards for her. obviously you will have to see her on occasion but other than that I would avoid all contact with her. If she chooses to disown her son and GC that is her problem. And if the rest of the family support her then you are better off without them all.

Atilla

"May I ask you what parents are supposed to say to their children when they ask to see Grandma? "

It all depends on the circumstances but the parents need to protect children from toxic grandparents outweighs anything else. These children probably hear their friends talking about their grandparents and are curious. Perhaps it is just best to explain that we haven't seen them in many years and do not expect to see them again. If you don't make a big deal about it your children aren't going to be upset or concerned about it either.

"Society conditioning is all round us, in books, films and so on".
Oh gosh yes but societal convention is not a good enough reason at all to keep on trying with or seeing such difficult relations.

Sherbert - bang on, I do want to love her and vice versa. That would be perfect! But you're right she just isn't capable.

I really, really don't want to see her this week end though. I think I'll just let DH go as he thinks he will be able to sort things out with them better if he goes alone. They are very guarded and won't speak openly if I am there. I run the risk of them trying to trash me to DH but I am past caring.

AngelaDaviesHair couldn't agree more, one reason my SIL suffers is because she plays that part. Never says anything, never confronts. Too late now. And as for doing it via the DH - nope that doesn't work either. Neither do big confontations as they love the drama. Behaviour and responses have to be consistent and never put up with it.

Amusingly this week my MIL has been bitching about the other SIL because she is so 'contrary'. It seems my SIL's version of not putting up with MIL behaviour is a little more aggresive than mine!

going NC will only work for another year or two at some point my DC will ask to see grandmother. Then what do I do?

My children have asked once why they don't see Grandpa. The answer I gave was; 'Unfortunately, Grandpa was unkind to Mummy, and he upset me, and we don't put up with unkind people ever. We just walk away until they can behave better.'

atillia

I totally agree but I still have DC who know their GP ( one is 6 other wont remember) and will occasionally mention them.

Its hard to know what to say and at what point to tell the truth.

looking that sounds OK.

Crystalballs - exactly be past caring, they are going to trash you anyway, the opinions of those awful people only matter if you want them to. As for toxic grandparenting only you can monitor that. My GP's were awful to my parents but brilliant with us and I never felt any differently towards my parents due to there behaviour, I knew when they were being horrid and disrespected them for it and loved my parents just the same.

crystal do you have your own DM and do you get on?

I particularly wanted mine ( MIL) to love me because I had lost my mother and the biggest mistake I made was thinking that this woman was or could in some way provide...motherly love!

I see now she is not even capable of loving her own son, let alone me or the dc. She just wants to play grandma, cook, buy clothes she likes to dress them up in, and have them in her domain.

I think DH could do with seeing a counsellor to talk about his mother. He needs to cut himself free from her manipulative behaviour without feeling so guilty.

Looking, that's a good way of describing it.

sherbet
Your lucky, my sister had a very differnet experience she suffered because of the relations between my mother and her MIL, and she my sister was very close to my paternal grandmother and said very early on, she doubted my mother, because her beloved GM made her doubt her. she never felt entirely safe...and was never ever close to my mother.

If you do end up getting drawn in & you & the kids seeing her again, I think that you should at least think of you going to her so that you can leave when you want, or meeting somewhere half way so that again youy can leave when you want.

"They are very guarded and won't speak openly if I am there." Yeah right-because it's you they want to bitch about & blame!

I used to see my GP once or twice a year, I would sit and listen whilst my parents caught up with them, with a cup of tea.

It didn't do me any harm! I didn't have over night stays, or get taken anywhere or had bed time stories read...

I think you could both do with going to RELATE.

There are some good and bad thoughts on it - I reckon its down the counsellor, however what it should do is help you get some perspective on your and your DH relationship and your responsibilities as parents.

Bit like that for me I'd rather -for paternal GPs.

And I have the fondest memories of them-talking over each other, finishing each others sentences...

You tell dc that grandma can visit them whenever they like however they are still behaving like a baby because you wouldnt let her hit you and is choosing to stay away.
Tell them that you are concerned that this will happen to them and that as heir mum you need to protect them.