To feel utterly depressed about my MIL?

[Crystalballs]

I'm afraid this is long but I should give some background to put things into context.

DH and I have been together 8 years and have a child. My mother in law pretends to my face that she loves and supports me but it has never felt very genuine. Despite this, over the last 2 years I have started to trust her and believed she had grown to love me in some way. Obviously I'll never be one of her own and I know that, but I felt we had a good relationship.

Yesterday my friend and I overheard her making some bitchy remarks about me (we had taken my DC to visit her at her place of work, and she thought we had left when we were around the corridor after using the bathroom). We overheard MIL speaking to her sister (my Aunty in law), she said that I wasted her son's money (I don't, and one third of our household income is from my earnings), and that I should be more than happy with my lot as I've done so well in marrying her son compared to the rest of my family who have nothing.

Just 5 minutes beforehand MIL had told me she loved me. I feel so hurt and depressed by all this. It's as though we've regressed back to 6 years ago when I first became pregnant and had DC. MIL found it very difficult when DC was born and accused me of keeping her from DC because I wouldn't let her give DC first bath, let her look after DC alone and stay the night at her house at a couple of weeks old etc. I felt at the time very threatened by how much MIL thought of herself as 'mother' to my child. She even referred to my DC as her 'firstborn'.

DH is very supportive of me however it's difficult for him to act on this. The last time he did catch MIL speaking in this way about me, he confronted her but she burst into tears and basically sulked for one month whilst we had numerous phone calls from my sisters in law pleading for DH to apologise to MIL and stop her feeling so sad. In the end we gave in.

If DH or I confront MIL with this latest event it's 100% likely she will again sulk and make herself the victim. I obviously feel like I want I give her a very wide berth for a while but there's only so long I can do this before the sisters in law get involved and all side with MIL because they feel sorry of her.

I am completely fed up and feel so stupid for believing MIL thought well of me. I can't cope with this stupid childish woman any longer.

Don't do it Crystal. Let your OH go but I wouldn't if I were you.

I suppose I am not comfortable with stopping a relationship between my DC and their grandparents. Even though I know MIL is not a good role model, and even though I know when DC is older she will try to make DC responsible for her emotional ?ell being, much as MIL does now with her own children.

MIL does love my DC - and it would break her heart to never see DC. I can't bring myself to do this to another human being.

• He's just sending a message to his mum that emotional blackmail works in the end

We did this a few years ago, a trip to see an elderly relative was being arranged, but they weren't happy with the terms (pils) ie staying at a hotel locally, and visiting every day....there was a volcanic eruption...we felt bad for the elderly relative, so we caved in, the trip went ahead on their terms, and I didn't go.

Oh my goodness...was that a mistake! We should have simply gone on our terms. We didn't and after that the black mailing, the abuse, the bullying ramped up a notch as PILS knew we would cave if put under enough pressure!

It was so much more painful to shore ourselves up again after that. BIG MISTAKE.

crystal

But your willing to put your own children into this? Innocent children?

You would not be doing it to MIL though, you'd be doing it for your DC> Because they deserve to be protected from all this shit. And it could be in MIL's power to see them in the future if she only curbs the nastiness.

And it could be in MIL's power to see them in the future if she only curbs the nastiness

You - and her family are all sheilding her from her own demons.

She has to face her demons to even see they are there.

The only way to do this is by standing up to her.

Ok - let's say DH goes alone. This time. I still have to see MIL at some point soon. Unless I am going to stop her seeing DC on birthdays. That would hurt DC.

So my thoughts are, visit her and get it over and done with. I don't want to reward her behaviour with a visit, however, I feel we need to show a united front.

I honestly don't know what to do for the best.

I have this problem occasionally with my mother. She can be incredibly immature, controlling and emotionally manipulative. But if it affects me or my children negatively, then I will calmly draw the line and refuse to engage.

This is not what the rest of my family do. Recently, we had a disagreement and she behaved very badly. She refused to acknowledge or apologise afterwards and my DF was on the phone begging me to make it all better.

I stood my ground, and said that I had done nothing to apologise for - she would have to get over it and move on.

In that same week, her best friend died very suddenly. I immediately called to see how she was and continued to call each evening. There was no question that our disagreement and my refusal to give way to her blackmail would get in the way of my comforting her.

I think my advice would be to try to maintain a relationship with your MIL that doesn't require you to tolerate bad behaviour. Easier said than done, I know.

Go along to this thing at the weekend. Be nice to everyone and interested in what MIL and your SILs are doing with their lives at the moment. But if people want to make an issue of what's happened in the last few months, calmly remind them that she behaved badly towards you.

You can, I think, make a distinction between tolerating bad behaviour and putting it behind you and moving on.

Good luck.......

Re your comments:-

"I suppose I am not comfortable with stopping a relationship between my DC and their grandparents. Even though I know MIL is not a good role model, and even though I know when DC is older she will try to make DC responsible for her emotional ?ell being, much as MIL does now with her own children".

Societal convention is not a good enough reason in itself to continue a relationship with such a disordered person. Your second sentence is testament to this fact.

"MIL does love my DC - and it would break her heart to never see DC". "
No she does not, she wants to use them and discarded as she sees fit.

I can't bring myself to do this to another human being".
But your MIL has done all this to you without a second thought. Re the second sentence you cannot apply the "normal" rules of familial relations to such a dysfunctional person like your MIL. The "normal" rules go out the window.

If she is too toxic/difficult for you to deal with she is certainly too toxic/difficult for your both vulnerable and defenceless children.

I would suggest too you read Toxic Inlaws written by Susan Forward to further understand the dynamics. Coming as you no doubt have from an emotionally healthy functional family, this is very hard for you to get your head around but you have to get your head around it.

She has been verbally & physically abusive to you iirc.
And yet your husband thinks that he should see her to keep the peace, & in fact that you should all see her-how screwed up is that!

He's an adult & can do as he wishes OP, as can you, but you should be protecting your children from her, not making them see her!

If your MIL cannot or equally will not behave she gets to see none of you. And she has not been able to behave at all decently because at heart she likely has some form of personality disorder. It is NOT your fault she is this way.

Some grandparents really shouldn’t be allowed access to their grandchildren.

A percentage of the general population is dysfunctional and/or abusive. That percentage, like everyone else, has children. Then those children grow and have children of their own. The not-so-loving grandparents expect to have a relationship with their grandchildren. The only problem is, they’re not good grandparents.

Many adult children of toxic parents feel torn between their parents’ (and society’s) expectation that grandparents will have access to their grandkids, and their own unfortunate first hand knowledge that their parents are emotionally/physically/sexually abusive, or just plain too difficult to have any kind of healthy relationship with.

The children’s parents may allow the grandparents to begin a relationship with their children, hoping that things will be different this time, that their parents have really changed, and that their children will be emotionally and physically safer than they themselves were.

Unfortunately, this is rarely the case, because most abusive people have mental disorders of one kind or another, and many of these disorders are lifelong and not highly treatable. (Others are lifelong and treatable; however, many people never seek the necessary help.)

The well-intentioned parent ends up feeling mortified for having done more harm than good by hoping things would somehow be different — instead of having a child who simply never knew their grandparents and who was never mistreated, they have an abused child who is now also being torn apart by the grief involved in having to sever a lifelong relationship with the unhealthy people they are very attached to.

Do not be that well intentioned parent.

Giving in to her now should be the last thing you do, she'll just see her manipulation and emotional blackmail worked and use those tactics in the future.

Why let her have contact with your DC when you KNOW she'll use them in the future? You need to protect your DC from that happening.

Your DH really has to make up his mind whether he is going to support you or give in to his DMs manipulation, because he can't do both. If he gives in and visits, she'll take that as him agreeing that she is in the right and you are in the wrong, and she'll run far with that one.

Let me be clear about something which maybe i haven't made clear before. No matter what, DH would never ever go NC with his parents. That's just not an option, and I honestly wouldn't want that either.

So bearing that in mind, at the very least I will have to see MIL maybe 6 times a year. I can live with that.

If MIL had her way, she would see us every couple of days. Though I don't want NC, I do want minimal contact. MIL knows that because of her behaviour she has lost out on 'dropping in' unannounced to see Her GC, she knows she has a slim chance of taking GC out alone, and she knows we will not let GC sleep over at her house again.

She will still bitch about me, she will still say I keep her GC from her. She will probably still try to undermine me as a mother. If I only have to see her very infrequently I think I can cope with that.

I understand that you can't see the wood for the trees at the moment, but it concerns me that you can't or won't upset your MIL but are willing to let your own children be heavily influenced by her as they grow up?

I think you need to consider why you're putting her best interests in front of those of your DC.

She's a tantrumming adult, tough shit, let her deal with it.

Your DC don't have a choice in this,other than the ones you make for them.

X post.

If your DH isn't capable of freeing himself from them, that's ultimately his problem.

You need to be strong for your children, don't let them be sucked into the mind games your DH is so clearly still suffering from now.

crystal

she and other family members will work on your dc, as time goes on and they develop a good relationship with their grandma.

She will ask them directly to have sleep overs and when they get older, even just a few years you will look like the bad and un reasonable guy because you wont let them.

You are caving now, you will cave again at this point and your MIL will have access to your DC, alone.

I am speechless at what you are saying. This woman tries to come between you and your DC, she criticizes you and you are worried about upsetting her? She doesn't care a jot that she upsets you and puts your marriage under strain though does she?

Definitely do not go to any meeting with MIL. Keep his family at arms length and be firm, brisk and busy if you bump into them. Do not engage.

In your position I would be looking to move a long way away.

crystal going NC doesn't have to be long term, if the people love you, they will want to genuinely make up.

If she is too toxic/difficult for you to deal with she is certainly too toxic/difficult for your both vulnerable and defenceless children

Absolutely.
I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but I just want to ask you: why the hell is what you want of so little importance, even to you?

Your posts say a lot about what your DH will and won't do, how MIL and the wider family will react, a bit about your DC, but where are you in all this? Because you, and your feelings and interests, are every bit as important as everone else's.

I agree Angela,

If you go right back the begining its all about the wider family, pressure from them, how they make them feel bad for doing their own thing.

You have major self esteem issues and I think your DH does as well. i don't know what the answer is, you seem entrenched.

The way I see it, with this set up, something is going to have to give, your going through a process, and your in a cycle that you are choosing not to break but to go back into.

At some point, either your marriage will fail, you will have a break down, your dc will turn against you.

Unless you take a step for you, and your dc and even your DH, I just cant see any happy outcomes here and your prolonging the agony and the inevitable by caving again.

Attilathemeerkat, you make a good point about MIL using my DC. My DH and I have been very, very surprised that MIL has gone for this long, choosing not to spend time with DC on the occasions we have invited her, just to prove a point about how much of a victim she is.

Surely she could have put her feelings aside over Christmas in order to spend time with her GC?

I am now thinking I should stay at home with DC this week end and not visit. To show my MIL that she will miss out on her GC if she continues with this behaviour.

Doesn't that suggest that the DC are pawns in her game, first and foremost?

My MIL put seeing the grandchildren before everything, even some major ructions with DH, and my mother would crawl over broken glass for 5 minutes with them wherever she and I, or she and my DH, were with our relationships.

Ignore the rhetoric, look at what your MIL actually does to see what she is really about.

She is never going to be the MIL you want her to be. She's a toxic, manipulative bitch who has turned your DHs whole family against you and is now going to work on turning your DH and DCs against you. You really should be protecting your DCs from this. She could well tell them that as everyone else is on her side, you must be in the wrong. You might think that your DC will see through this but there is no guarantee, and TBH they should never have to be in that position.

Giving in to her now, even if it's just your DH going to see her, vindicates her behaviour in her eyes. You need to send a strong message that she will not get away with it.

Self esteem issues - yes to that. I have spent the whole of my relationship with DH being told by PIL that they are supper or to me and my family, I should be grateful I am so lucky to be with their DS.

I have definitely been beaten down over the years. This really needs to stop.

When I think about just NOT going this week end, I feel so much relief.