To feel utterly depressed about my MIL?

[Crystalballs]

I'm afraid this is long but I should give some background to put things into context.

DH and I have been together 8 years and have a child. My mother in law pretends to my face that she loves and supports me but it has never felt very genuine. Despite this, over the last 2 years I have started to trust her and believed she had grown to love me in some way. Obviously I'll never be one of her own and I know that, but I felt we had a good relationship.

Yesterday my friend and I overheard her making some bitchy remarks about me (we had taken my DC to visit her at her place of work, and she thought we had left when we were around the corridor after using the bathroom). We overheard MIL speaking to her sister (my Aunty in law), she said that I wasted her son's money (I don't, and one third of our household income is from my earnings), and that I should be more than happy with my lot as I've done so well in marrying her son compared to the rest of my family who have nothing.

Just 5 minutes beforehand MIL had told me she loved me. I feel so hurt and depressed by all this. It's as though we've regressed back to 6 years ago when I first became pregnant and had DC. MIL found it very difficult when DC was born and accused me of keeping her from DC because I wouldn't let her give DC first bath, let her look after DC alone and stay the night at her house at a couple of weeks old etc. I felt at the time very threatened by how much MIL thought of herself as 'mother' to my child. She even referred to my DC as her 'firstborn'.

DH is very supportive of me however it's difficult for him to act on this. The last time he did catch MIL speaking in this way about me, he confronted her but she burst into tears and basically sulked for one month whilst we had numerous phone calls from my sisters in law pleading for DH to apologise to MIL and stop her feeling so sad. In the end we gave in.

If DH or I confront MIL with this latest event it's 100% likely she will again sulk and make herself the victim. I obviously feel like I want I give her a very wide berth for a while but there's only so long I can do this before the sisters in law get involved and all side with MIL because they feel sorry of her.

I am completely fed up and feel so stupid for believing MIL thought well of me. I can't cope with this stupid childish woman any longer.

Sarah that is awful! Think I would have been getting the police involved at that stage tbh! Glad you have a quieter life now!

Crystalballs I feel for you. My MIL is a crap MIL but a very good GM. There isn't anything she wouldn't do for her other GC but she doesn't respect boundaries. My DH is useless at confronting his mum too.

My MIL also wanted to be the first to bathe our first born (which I thought was weird) and gave me endless stress when I was pregnant as she wanted us to move in with her (we said no) and then she told everyone she was moving in with us (without discussing it with us). If she would help cook and clean I would have welcomed her help but she expected to sit on the sofa with the baby while I cooked. In the end I had to confront her myself for my own sanity. I told her that I was going to my mothers straight after I left hospital (in my culture the girls mother helps out not MIL). We actually stayed at home and MIL came to visit once a week when I was up to it (had a EMCS). When I had the baby my MIL was arguing with me in hospital so I just answered her back (my husband was on his way in after catching up on some sleep). Now I just speak my mind I do it nicely and firmly and just repeat myself until she gets it and it works out with less stress for me. My mother and MIL get treated the same when it comes to spending time with the baby. Have to say it would be even less stress for me if DH would speak to his mum direct but that's never going to happen.

Thank you Nanny and Funny.

It's not entirely quiet. This time of year tends to bring them out of the woodwork a bit and there have been a few text messages asking "when is Sarah going to stop all this?" and "We want to come and see you, we feel like driving around the streets until we see your cars" etc.

And my friend told me on Saturday that she has had a friend request again on Facebook but she's blocked them now.

But on the whole it is 100% better than it ever was before

In short? A simple "fuck off" should suffice. I had 6 years of an interfering MIL and the only thing that stopped her despite eH having words etx was after dd2 was born and I completely lost my temper after she said she was ashamed at how I was raising her grandkids. (This after I kicked eH out for leaving our then 2YO and 5 week old baby alone in the house for 20 mins) The bitch got told to fuck off and check how you've raised your boy before criticising me. (

Whensarah

yours is without doubt one of the worst I have ever heard.

I feel for you.

I hope you manage to get through christmas without any problems! Well done you for being brave though, far better to be scapegoated etc and to be free than living somoene elses life for them.

Hi everyone. Things have flared up again and I would really appreciate some advice and support. There a very few people I can talk to about th in RL.

We haven't seen MIL since early January. There was a big family gathering last week end which we were not invited to and we have just found this out. For the past few weeks while we haven't heard anything from MiL, she has been quietly getting every member of DH's family on side. DH is being portrayed as the poor guy caught in the middle of his wife and mother, and I am being portrayed as the disrespectful trouble making cow who is mean to MIL. MIL also apparently has a new 'stress related' illness because of all this.

We have had a few other members of the family call DH this week to try and emotionally blackmail us into apologising to MIL. I have no idea what we would be apologising for - pulling MIL up on her bitching?

Long story short, DH wants to visit MiL this week end and just smooth everything over - we will all pretend to like each other again etc. I feel I need to go along with this, or I will be the wife who stops DH from seeing his mother.

DH and I have decided that we basically just need to visit them at regular intervals and other than that keep our distance. Yes I know this is giving into the emotional blackmail, but the alternative is too draining. If we go along with a visit every couple of months, it means a quieter life for us, and we won't have everyone calling us telling us we have to put things right.

I just need a protective shield for this Sunday. It's going to be a really frosty and negative atmosphere, aimed at me.

I would say he goes if he must, but as for sucking you & your child back in-no fucking way!

Let your DH go by himself. If he wants to smooth things over, then so be it however make it clear that whilst you will not stop him seeing his mother, you will not be subjected to emotional blackmail again. Hat takes away their ammo of the wife who won't let her husband have a relationship with his mother.

If you give in, it will continue. Lets face it - she's tarnished your name to the entire family already. They're not really going to forget that are they? It will always being the back of their minds that Crystal has been mean and stopped golden son seeing his mum. Just because he wants to smooth things over with MIL, it doesn't mean you have to be complient with his plans. And don't let the DC go initially. Just leave it and have a day of fun - plead a prearranged birthday party. But make it clear that he should support you if she starts to slate you.

Sorry this has flared up again crystal - it sounds very stressful. But my first though was 'Why hasn't your DH been in touch with these family members to explain what happened? Why didn't he respond to those phone calls by saying that his mother had been horrible about you and that was why you were keeping a distance?' He doesn't have to go into the back story, just the recent incident. You have every right to want nothing more to do with MIL!

I agree that he should go on his own, without the DC!

Does he want to see someone who is so unkind to his wife? who behaves so badly in front of his children?

It sounds as if he thinks this will make life easier, without considering the price you have to pay.

I agree with diddle - he can go if he insists, but you and your child do not.

DH has put other family members straight, the trouble is MIL can do no wrong in their eyes. It wouldn't matter if she stuck a bomb under my house, she would still be the victim. It's just the way things are in their family.

There are no other married children or cousins I should add. I am the only in law. They don't really accept people into the family, it wouldn't matter how wonderful or terrible a person I was.

My thoughts we that we should all go to visit. If I don't go, I will be accused of keeping GC from her, and it will be more difficult to face her the next time. We show a united front if we go together. I have no intention of ever letting MIL see my DC unless I am present, and I also have no intention of seeing MIL ever again unless DH is present.

I should add, I'm just not prepared to exclude MIL from DC's life completely. I wouldn't be comfortable with that, it would be a lifetime of battles and I can't live with all that conflict and stress.

What I want is for MIL to stop undermining me as a mother. She will bitch about me forevermore and I can't stop that. Thankfully I no longer care. What I do care about is her trying to be a mother to my children, and her using emotional blackmail to gain their affections.

Chrysanthemum, the alternative is that he is outcast from his entire family, I wouldn't wish that on him.

My MIL was vile to me before our wedding - really rude belittling me, my life choices and career - and the best way I could deal with it was to shut myself off emotionally from her. I know it's easier said than done though.

Why can your DH not go himself? Why do you have to put yourself through the atmosphere. He doesn't need to be "caught in the middle" - he can visit his own mother as much as he likes - you don't have to go. Is it because of the DC?

Can you go, be icily polite, keep your distance from MIL, but make sure that you are in the same room as your DC at all times and if anyone tries to bring them away from you, you just follow?

I wouldn't go to this family "meeting" / get-together or have anything to do with it if I were you.

You can't stop your husband from going, but I think he's deluded if he believes that this is going to make for a quieter life in the long run. He's just sending a message to his mum that emotional blackmail works in the end.

You don't have to discuss this with other family members, you know. A few stock phrases can be trotted out whenever people start interfering. You don't have to be drawn in.

You / your DH could try: "Sorry, but we don't feel comfortable discussing this"

or "We appreciate your concern, but think it's best if other people don't get involved" or whatever. Repeat as required.

Oh, & I know it's easier said than done, but please try to stop caring about what your MIL thinks of you. You've said yourself that she sees you as an outsider & dislikes you for that reason - it's not personal. It's not you, it's her.

So what does it matter if you're blamed for any breakdown in her relationship with your DH? You're going to be blamed anyway! You'll be blamed if you do visit, & blamed if you don't. Trying to disengage emotionally is the only way forward.

I think perhaps you need to be looking at it from the angle of protecting your own DC from these awful people, your DH is an adult capable of making his own decisions. Your DC are the vulnerable ones. Why expose them to such a dysfunctional group of people?

but the alternative is too draining. If we go along with a visit every couple of months, it means a quieter life for us, and we won't have everyone calling us telling us we have to put things right

This is the crux of it isnt it.

You made out from your last posts that living with this woman in your lives was stressful.

Unfortunalty from bitter experience I think you still need to ride this out.

You have to learn to stop caring what other family member thinks of you.

You need to start caring about what your own children will think of you.
We have been in exactly the same situation, a crying MIL whom most people feel very sorry for, and her son, who the poor thing is being manipulated by his wife....

I used to care and feel very upset about the whole burden of the family hating me.

We had a meal with their friends and he said " I went to a wedding the other day which was awkward as no one liked the bride", he looked directly at me, and MIL looked away.

We have been battered to attend family events, and even when DH it wasnt good enough, black mail over other family members.

We reached out to all other family members to try and establish our own relaitons with them, other than through the PILS, to no avail.

Op it was and has been hard, our marriage has been to the brink but you know what, after years of bulling and hell, we had our first xmas this year where the door was banged down, no emails, no texts and phone calls, battering DH to get the GC there. Its taken a long time, but I feel we are starting to be free.

Freedom, op, from anothers control.

The only way you can ever hope to control this woman is by not giving in, you have to hold out.

Crystal - I do understand that. I'm hoping to give you the benefit of my experience. I had very toxic family members, who treated me, and DH like rubbish. Fortunately, DH is a pretty strong person who took it for a while to make my life easier. Then I realised I couldn't have them treat him so badly, and I broke off contact, and DH told them where to go (politely!).

Looking back I can see I was caught up in a classic 'FOG' _ fear; obligation; guilt. I'm not saying it is easy - in your DH's postition it must be very tempting to go for the easy path. But, he's done the hard work, he's moved on, he's told family members the truth. Going on Sunday will negate all that, and show her she has 'won'. It will show her that she is free to go on undermining you as a mother; to try to interfere with your DC; to be rude to you to other people.

My family members all apologised, and are on their best behaviour now because they now we can easily walk away at any point.

sorry door wasn't banged down...

DH wants to visit MiL this week end and just smooth everything over

Bad idea. It will perpetuate more of the same and she will just escalate tbh. Getting THIS over on you won't be enough of a feed for her.

Your H does need to state that actually she can say what she likes, do what she like, but bitching about his family is never going to be smoothed over, nor is lying to other members of the family to make you or your family the bad guy. again.

Your DC need to be kept distant from her, she WILL slag you all off to them too. why>? because she can, and your DH isn't stopping her.

You can't play with a narcissist and win.

You can't have a normal relationship with a narc, it's impossible.

You are FAR better off NOT seeing her and restating your boundaries any and every time you are challenged.

If people won't support you then they are not friends either.

Life is too short to waste time with people that bitch about you

Crystal, how likely do you think you will achieve what you want with this woman? You said you want her to stop undermining you as a mother - well I can't imagine that happening. She has a problem with you and even if you were to the perfect wife and mother she would find something to moan about and twist to others. I wouldn't even try to have a relationship with such a backstabbing two faced bitch.

Your MiL sounds vile and I would personally not be visiting her when your DH does. Likewise keep your DC with you too; she literally needs to learn how to treat people well (namely you) otherwise why should she have access to your child? My concern would be what toxicity would she be pouring into their ears about you when you are not around.

I think it is time your DH grew up a bit. She may be his mother but he has responsibilities as a husband and father. He should not be allowing anyone to be so unkind to the mother of his child even not his own mother. She is jealous and this makes her toxic for everyone.

By all means maintain contact but this would be best done from a distance with very infrequent visits. If I were you I would just go NC and live your life MiL free but I appreciate this may not be what you really want.

My family members all apologised, and are on their best behaviour now because they now we can easily walk away at any point

chry

I had to go no contact with two family members. After being worn down over several years I gave them both a chance again.

One lot are on their best behaviour the other lot, reverted very quickly back to type, so we are NC again.

If people truly care about you, they will do whatever it takes to win you back and keep you.

Crystal,

I am others are all strongly urging you to not to cave and go down this route. nothing - nothing nothing will ever change if you do.

you will only get back in the cycle and prolong the agony, most of us speak from bitter experience.

she has done nothing positive or kind to warrant this sort of ...reward. your DH is submitting to a bully.

You do realise that your MIL started her hate campaign on you miles before you found out about her bitching?

If your DH goes he will have to listen to her bitch on about you as she tries really hard to undermine your marriage.

As for you and your DC, too toxic for you, too toxic for your children. Keep them away from her as much as she can. She can, and will, do an awful lot of damage there if she can.

You are an adult. You do not have to visit this woman. I would advise that you don't. The maliciousness will not stop but at least you and your DCs won't be sucked into it.

You cannot stop your DH visiting his mother. Prepare him before he visits that she probably will say you're mad, tired, nasty, lazy before he goes. Then when he comes back ask which she ticked off the list. This will help your DH gain some perspective on his mother.

It is a really hard time that you're going through but at least you do have some distance compared to your first post. Well done.

the alternative is that he is outcast from his entire family, I wouldn't wish that on him

Really?

When it seems not one member of his family is bothered about him, as a human, as a husband and as a Father, not one of them wants to talk to him, and understand him?

You want him to be kept in this circle of emotional blackmailers and abusers?