To flirt all the time?

[Brittapie]

Apparently I am constantly flirting. I keep getting in trouble for it.

The vast majority of the time (like, 99.9%) I mean absolutely nothing by it at all. It's just a nice way of giving people an ego boost, having a bit of fun etc. I'm not talking actually rubbing against people, I'm not even sure what it is I do really - making eye contact mostly I think, I dunno.

I get told I flirt when I dance too (I do partner dancing) but that just is because it feels weird NOT to look at someone who has their arm round my waist, and if I keep eye contact and smile I am much less likely to get dizzy and/or lose my lead somehow.

I probably do talk about sex a lot. OK I definitely do. But that's not in a flirty way, I just have a dirty sense of humour, and a lot of my friends are the same.

If people don't flirt back I stop, but I would say about 50% of people do flirt back (it's hard to say cos I don't really do it consciously) Every now and again I get in an outrageous flirt off when I find someone else who is as bad as I am

I'm bisexual, but I also do move in circles where maybe a third of my good platonic friends are men, so gender isn't really that big a deal (except that men are more likely to flirt back I suppose)

I'm not wafting about in miniskirts and high heels. I basically dress like a slightly vintagey student, I have very little poise and elegance. I am well fit but I genuinely think that most people are, if they would only believe it.

If I actually fancy someone I usually lose the ability to talk to them even normally and generally act all embarrassed and shy.

That doesn't help though. People keep telling me I was flirting, or telling me off for it. Not the people I'm flirting with though, because I just interact with the person I'm interacting with, not the entire room. And if it is a partner of the flirtee objecting, well they should be objecting to their partner, not to me. I wouldn't have any issue with a partner of mine flirting because, well, it's flirting.

SIGH.

So yeah, does anyone else flirt? And is a bit of harmless flirting really THAT bad?

I have a male friend who I would probably describe as a terrible flirt. I heard him on the phone two days ago making a hospital appointment, and he was flirting with the booking clerk. When he attended the appointment, she said she'd been waiting all day to see him. That is typical in my experience. His flirting never mentions sex, and might appropriately be described as banter, it's very friendly humourous chatting that is consensual and reciprocated. I think it's charming rather than sleazy.

OP I think it's difficult for strangers on the Internet to judge what you're doing, although it doesn't sound like a problem from the way you describe it. What reaction are you getting from friends, are they teasing you or pissed off? Can you ask one whose judgement you trust what they think?

Didn't RTFT but

I probably do talk about sex a lot. OK I definitely do.

Isn't really compatible with your claim to poise and elegance.

That's not really flirting, but then I'm rather old fashioned about these things. It's rather vulgar, IMO.

On some people it can be affectionate, warm and engaging. If its sincere and not sleazy, and offered in conversation with everyone not just beautiful young things.

My friend is tjhe other way, not unattractive but just normal, yet when a man is present she turns into a shallow hair flicking weird person who likes to steer the conversation to how many men find her attractive, who's recently come on to her, how she loves porn/going to lap dancing clubs/how much she loves poledancing, etc etc etc.

She does it because she is intensely insecure. I have really reevaluated my relationship with her, since she met my DP and it was like a switch had clicked-she was embarrassing. She has this hidden need to be 'top woman' in any social situation and it was awful, hidden under this jokey masquerade. I know for a fact she doesn't find my DP attractive at all, not even objectively,so it came across as a creepy display of dominance over me, in my mind anyway. You don't sound like that though.

I was formerly a bit overweight and had an EA relationship; coming out of the fog and getting positive selfconfidence through appropriate flirting is amazing.

The thing is OP if this was really as natural as you say surely you wouldn't remember yourself doing it and analyse it so much?

I mean 'brushing the delivery mans fingers' would be just an insignificant part of your day if it was natural?

I would touch the delivery men round here with a barge pole, they look foisty.

What's the issue here then?
You are comfortable in your own skin and your boyfriend is fine with you being a Flirt. Who are the people and what are the comments that have driven you to doing this thread? Maybe you need to cool it a bit around those people and be more savvy about personal space.You do sound like you can be full on. I have to admit that it would make me uneasy to be around someone who talks about sex a lot.

However i do love your comment

I am well fit. Everyone is. They just need the confidence to realise it. Objectively I'm no model, I'm a bit overweight, I have glasses and spots and daft hair and sometimes a limp, and I have had quite a lot of hateful things said to me about what I look like, but they hurt for about a minute until I remember that I am, in fact, well fit and they can bugger off until they get comfortable enough in their own skin to stop picking on other people

I'm trying to actually picture 'flirtyness' as a natural trait. I don't think i know anyone like that.

Nigella Lawson? She seems to eye the camera and with her slightly smutty innuendos about the food (and that body) she could be called flirty. And yet she also gives off an air of 'unobtainability' (is that even a word?) and a sense of confidence too. Also it seems to be aimed equally at everyone around her.

OP, it's hard to tell from the written word, but you sound as if your flirty manner goes a bit beyond all that - with your eye gazing and your hair stroking - plus the fact it seems to be going on in inappropriate social situations. If some folk are getting unhappy because of your actions isn't that telling you something? I don't think you are doing yourself any favours.

If you flirted with my DH it would be the last time i socialised with you. Not because i'd be worried he couldn't stand your 'charms', but because i'd think how bloody childish and disrespectful you are. He thinks the same of a male friend of his who tried to flirt openly with me. It's just not nice.

Who is telling you the flirting is too much? The people you're flirting with, or the other people you're with?

If people are trying to spend time with you, you constantly diverting your attention to incidental interactions with others is really irritating. It's like being with someone who checks their phone all the time.

Or can other people see discomfort on the part of your flirt-ees that you have difficulty perceiving?

Do you come across as confident and jokey, or as needy? Are others uncomfortable for you, rather than with you?

Essentially you need to ask the people who've mentioned it, what the problem is. We can only comment on what you're aware enough to tell us and even that is difficult.

Maybe some CBT to help you be mindful of your behaviour towards others would be a good idea - that's if your behaviour really is a problem.

I got accused of 'flirting too much' with doctors at work when in fact I was just being friendly - I got quite paranoid about it and wouldn't talk to them, until one of my colleagues said that the women accusing me were just teasing me, so I know I wasn't actually flirting too much after all.

But it sounds as if you deliberately flirt a lot and that's different, it sounds as if it's become a bad habit and that's why i'd suggest some CBT.

I was very flirty at this age (late twenties) and in appropriate situations (never in work). It's not a big deal to be flirty in a bar, it is a big deal if you can't make friends/put people off/have no other modes of interaction than flirting.

I cannot be bothered to flirt anymore in a very active way, but I do take an interest in people and show concern/care which is like a non-sexual type of flirting and means I don't get so many creepy guys hitting on me which I prefer.

I also think if people are telling you you are too flirty, this is a good sign it is getting too much or inappropriate. No-one ever told me I was too flirty because I didn't flirt indiscriminately, and wouldn't flirt with say another person's boyfriend or in work situations. If it's reciprocal and light=hearted, it's fun, if it's starting to dominate and be inappropriate (which I do fear here) then it's not.

I think you need to look after yourself op. You dont sound very well to me. You may be working up to something?

Why is bad of the op to thick she attractive? That's a good thing! Self hatred is like a national sport.
I think there's nothing wrong with flirting, it's just fun chatting!

I think its probably partly insecurity on your part, to be overly friendly with everyone, but if it makes you feel better, and other people feel good, then theres no harm.

Id be wary of giving people the impression that youre interested and then you having to fend them off. I also tend to feel that people who flirt with everyone, and not just people theyre actively interested in, are insincere and superficial, like an energy drink instead of a proper meal

I dont see any problem with thinking or knowing youre attractive.

I know im fairly attractive, and if anything this makes me less likely to flirt with people. I honestly dont want people coming on to me. It scares me. I never know how im supposed to respond to flirting

You sound rather sad op. i think you have real self esteem issues!

I don't think you're doing ANYTHING wrong at all so yanbu. Also there's NOTHING wrong with having confidence in the way you look for goodness sake...
I think that a lot of the replies here have completely missed the point, you're not groping people or flashing them!

I flirt; but I do it in open situations not in private. You have to be careful

There is a flirty parent at my DS's school.
In her fucked up world she is "just having a laugh and it is nothing serious." But she has caused a LOT of trouble amongst couples to the point where the police were involved.

She is a very vulnerable and insecure woman who seems to gain comfort from exerting some sort of sexual power over men.
Sad and pathetic - and damaging.
She has no other way of relating to the world.

How joyous for you that you are 'amused' when you see your husband flirting with someone. I wouldn't be amused if you were openly flirting with mine, regardless of whether he reciprocated or not.

If you're incapable of engaging with people in a fun, friendly way without fluttering your eyelashes and 'hand grazing' ffs, then that's a bit sad really.

You've posted this topic purely to get a reaction and to fluff up your ego (if it is possible to inflate it any more than it already is).

Oh and there is a difference between knowing you are attractive / having confidence in yourself, and openly stating "I am well fit" (what hideous wording) and flirting with everything that moves because you think they MUST be attracted to you.

"Hand grazing"?
I missed that bit and now sick has come up in my mouth.