To flirt all the time?

[Brittapie]

Apparently I am constantly flirting. I keep getting in trouble for it.

The vast majority of the time (like, 99.9%) I mean absolutely nothing by it at all. It's just a nice way of giving people an ego boost, having a bit of fun etc. I'm not talking actually rubbing against people, I'm not even sure what it is I do really - making eye contact mostly I think, I dunno.

I get told I flirt when I dance too (I do partner dancing) but that just is because it feels weird NOT to look at someone who has their arm round my waist, and if I keep eye contact and smile I am much less likely to get dizzy and/or lose my lead somehow.

I probably do talk about sex a lot. OK I definitely do. But that's not in a flirty way, I just have a dirty sense of humour, and a lot of my friends are the same.

If people don't flirt back I stop, but I would say about 50% of people do flirt back (it's hard to say cos I don't really do it consciously) Every now and again I get in an outrageous flirt off when I find someone else who is as bad as I am

I'm bisexual, but I also do move in circles where maybe a third of my good platonic friends are men, so gender isn't really that big a deal (except that men are more likely to flirt back I suppose)

I'm not wafting about in miniskirts and high heels. I basically dress like a slightly vintagey student, I have very little poise and elegance. I am well fit but I genuinely think that most people are, if they would only believe it.

If I actually fancy someone I usually lose the ability to talk to them even normally and generally act all embarrassed and shy.

That doesn't help though. People keep telling me I was flirting, or telling me off for it. Not the people I'm flirting with though, because I just interact with the person I'm interacting with, not the entire room. And if it is a partner of the flirtee objecting, well they should be objecting to their partner, not to me. I wouldn't have any issue with a partner of mine flirting because, well, it's flirting.

SIGH.

So yeah, does anyone else flirt? And is a bit of harmless flirting really THAT bad?

Reading that just made me sick in my mouth. Have some self respect and stop acting like a buffoon.

And I can guarantee knowing such a person IRL the more people tell you off.. The more you are the butt of jokes behind your back. Especially if you bring up a ex a lot.

But it's your life.. nobody can tell you to be anything other you feel comfortable with.

*sex

Angels - if people have partners who don't like them flirting, then they shouldn't flirt back, should they?

Or (and I'm guessing these are the genders you are referring to) are men incapable of exercising control of themselves and so if a woman is upset by how "her" man interacts with another woman it is the other womans fault?

Thanks Gobblers

I judge women who hit on my DH despite knowing he's not available, and cut them out of my life accordingly. It doesn't change how I feel about DH though - I know I could lock him in a room with Playboy cover girls dipped in chocolate and he'd emerge with his marriage vows intact .

I'm sure he'd feel the same - it's disrespectful, and not the kind of behaviour we expect from our friends.

This is the thing though, I never seem to bring up sex, it just comes up a lot (I think perhaps I have a particularly sex obsessed group of friends and acquaintances). I do generally join in the conversation though, cos, well, sex is interesting. and funny.

By your own admission you start flirting, how long does it take for you to figure out whether these people are flirting back? Even if they don't flirt back they will still witness your attempts at flirting with their partner won't they?

I wasn't referring to any genders at all, I'm not sure how you got that impression

It just reeks of desperation.

Britta: if your friends all engage in talk about sex and only tell you off for flirting, then clearly you're doing it wrong.

Flirting isn't hitting on though, they are different.

Flirting is the smile, eye contact slightly longer than normal, touch of your own hair, maybe brush of hands as the delivery man hands over the parcel.

Hitting on is asking for his number or feeling his muscles or inviting him in.

I am quite capable of flirting, but I would never ever brag about it, or flirt if I thought it was making someone uncomfortable in any way.

People I know who flirt obviously and constantly are quite insecure.

And if your friends are warning you that it's too much, then you really should take a step back and look at yourself. You're not coming across well.

I dislike flirts...sorry. Fickle and full of themselves. What are they trying to prove? That they can pull? So can anyone if the put their mind to it.

I would avoid anyone, male or female who flirted, I find it really demeaning to be with someone like that. Even embarrassing

You're flirting now you little hussy, trying to flirt with the wise and wicked ladies of Mumsnet will leave you a charred, old bird.

'Apparently I am constantly flirting. I keep getting in trouble for it' ^ Up there..keep growing in that direction.

Britta - I think that's just your definition. And anyway, what you've just described is equally inappropriate, if not more so - you don't make bedroom eyes and invade the personal space of people outside of a pulling context and expect them (and their partners) to be comfortable with that.

You sound like you have no self esteem whatsoever.

Bit sad to read really :(

Oh absolutely no offense intended, but I cringe watching people do what you've described.

I can't work out if you are self-important (aka up your own arse) or actually covering up for your inadequacies (aka a bit sad.)

Ok I used to do exactly what the OP described in my early 20s.

I had exactly the same set of arguments and justifications for it. Was I insecure? If you'd have asked me at the time, I'd have laughed. Looking back... well yeah, of course I was. Maybe not in a classic sense (whatever that is) but I really, really needed the validation of other people - I wasn't fussy about gender either.

Eventually, one of my best friends, in vino veritas, told me exactly how it felt when she was out with me:

1. I was permanently looking over her shoulder and looking for someone to flirt with.

2. That I'd dropped her like a hot brick and gone off to flirt with someone else on numerous occasions.

3. That I was, due to the above, never really interested in what she was saying.

And the kicker, that due to points 1-3 she didn't want us to go out until I'd got things sorted.

I put it down to drunkenness and rang her the next day. She reaffirmed statements 1-3. I was deeply angry, not hurt or upset, because that would have required me to admit that she had a point.

I don't act this way now (I'm 36). I'm not sure what made me change, but it took me a long time to shake what she'd said - even though I couldn't give it any credence at the time it whispered away at me.

OP, I'm not saying my experience is your experience, or vice versa. But I think there are enough people on this thread who are questioning your behaviour and I hope that some of the points raised give you food for thought.

But why flirt if you aren't sexually interested in someone? Genuine question.

I like to think that I can be charming. I work in a job where it aids me to be charming. And I generally can find something interesting and likeable about most people I meet, so being charming is not an act. I smile a lot, am open with people, try to make them laugh - I just try to be nice really.

But that's not flirting. I flirt with people I fancy. And since I am married, I'd be embarrassed flirting at work in case people think I am sexually interested.

Another genuine question: do you think you flirt because you have a long term illness and so you're unable to work at the moment? I can imagine that if you are bored and someone who is generally charming in life, you might find yourself flirting because you're not as occupied as you would like to be.

I'm not trying to be at all rude, by the way. I am just trying to understand your thinking. I don't know anyone who flirts all the time, male or female.

You are letting men sexually exploit you

What a load of old shite. Let's be honest- the OP is the one who is unable to behave in a respectful or sexually appropriate fashion.

I should imagine 99% of the men involved smile politely, and then move on with their day.

eye contact slightly longer than normal, touch of your own hair, maybe brush of hands as the delivery man hands over the parcel

Britta, if you behaved this way to my DP, I'd feel very offended. I'd feel you were being extremely rude and disrespectful to me and putting my DP in an awkward situation.

There are established social "lines" that one doesn't cross and it sounds as though you need to tune your radar into them a bit. Look at others - you've said they don't behave the way you do. That's because us not socially acceptable to do it ALL THE TIME.

Go on a night out, establish your target is single, then go to town with your flirting but otherwise rein it in.

You sound like a right royal pain in the arse to me, and a flirty one at that, yawn.

Have none of you ever worked, say, behind a bar, and flirted your way to upsells, tips etc? Did you always actually fancy the person?

I'm not talking seeking people out, I'm always talking to someone about something interesting anyway, and the delivery man scenario OF COURSE you don't take it to the next step if he isn't responding. I would have thought that obvious tbh.

A lot of the flirting I do is pretendy insults too. So it's not "hey big spender" (although me and my friends have been known to re enact that scene, not flirting but because showtunes + dancing = fun)

You sound very insecure and a bit annoying.

Are you also one of those women who insists they get on far better with men than with women?

And "pretendy insults" sounds childish and very, very irritating.