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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To flirt all the time?

169 replies

Brittapie · 07/11/2013 19:42

Apparently I am constantly flirting. I keep getting in trouble for it.

The vast majority of the time (like, 99.9%) I mean absolutely nothing by it at all. It's just a nice way of giving people an ego boost, having a bit of fun etc. I'm not talking actually rubbing against people, I'm not even sure what it is I do really - making eye contact mostly I think, I dunno.

I get told I flirt when I dance too (I do partner dancing) but that just is because it feels weird NOT to look at someone who has their arm round my waist, and if I keep eye contact and smile I am much less likely to get dizzy and/or lose my lead somehow.

I probably do talk about sex a lot. OK I definitely do. But that's not in a flirty way, I just have a dirty sense of humour, and a lot of my friends are the same.

If people don't flirt back I stop, but I would say about 50% of people do flirt back (it's hard to say cos I don't really do it consciously) Every now and again I get in an outrageous flirt off when I find someone else who is as bad as I am Grin

I'm bisexual, but I also do move in circles where maybe a third of my good platonic friends are men, so gender isn't really that big a deal (except that men are more likely to flirt back I suppose)

I'm not wafting about in miniskirts and high heels. I basically dress like a slightly vintagey student, I have very little poise and elegance. I am well fit Grin but I genuinely think that most people are, if they would only believe it.

If I actually fancy someone I usually lose the ability to talk to them even normally and generally act all embarrassed and shy.

That doesn't help though. People keep telling me I was flirting, or telling me off for it. Not the people I'm flirting with though, because I just interact with the person I'm interacting with, not the entire room. And if it is a partner of the flirtee objecting, well they should be objecting to their partner, not to me. I wouldn't have any issue with a partner of mine flirting because, well, it's flirting.

SIGH.

So yeah, does anyone else flirt? And is a bit of harmless flirting really THAT bad?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 07/11/2013 21:28

I wanted to ask the getting on with men better thing but already know the answer probably.

OP are you taking anything at all what people are saying in here or is it to be brushed off as nonsense as it seems you have with RL comments?

WorraLiberty · 07/11/2013 21:29

Each to their own OP. If it's the way you are then it's the way you are.

Flirting actually suits some people and not others.

I have no idea why but some flirty women/men come across as 'fun and a bit of a cheeky laugh'...but others come across as desperate or plain weird.

As long as you're in the former category, I suppose there's no problem.

I have to disagree with your opinion that 'everyone is fit' if they only realised it. That sort of thing is a matter of personal taste and I'm sure we've all seen someone at some point in our lives, that we consider far from pleasing to the eye.

Bettercallsaul1 · 07/11/2013 21:29

Have you ever considered another hobby - basketwork or crochet, perhaps?

RubyrooUK · 07/11/2013 21:29

Er, I have "banter" with people sometimes. We joke about and trade mock insults. But that isn't flirting. That's banter. There is no hand stroking or so on unless I DO fancy someone.

Lilacroses · 07/11/2013 21:36

You said at the start of your OP that you kept getting in trouble for it. What do you mean by that?

Nagoo · 07/11/2013 21:37

Can you clarify 'trouble'?

Bettercallsaul1 · 07/11/2013 21:40

Gardening? Quilting? Assembling ships in bottles?

Orangeanddemons · 07/11/2013 21:43

Cannot believe the delivery man Grin. What must the poor guy think! Why on earth do you need to flirt with him?

You sound incredibly irritating and full of yourself. What on earth are you trying to prove? Why why why? I am totally bemused as to why anyone would waste time and energy in this manner. Just baffled.

Give me a nice serious person any day. This is just so vain and shallow

Bettercallsaul1 · 07/11/2013 21:52

Potholing? Stamp-collecting? Paragliding?

Come on, folks! Let's find the OP another pastime!

maryannmarie · 07/11/2013 21:54

If you stop flirting when it's not reciprocated then I really can't see the problem.

CuntyBunty · 07/11/2013 21:58

I must say, aside from the flirting thing, it's nice you are comfy in your own skin. You can list your physical faults, but still feel "well fit". Good for you, it's nice to hear it.
I like rude talk and am a flirt with both sexes. I don't feel "well fit" though. Oh well. I hope at my old age, I have learned when to tone it down. I do like to walk the line though. Have fun.

Feminine · 07/11/2013 21:59

I'm not sure that what you are doing is flirting anyway.

You sound nice but I think you are just sounding a bit over the top with folk you hardly know!

Not everyone will like you...you don't have to make an impact on all who cross your path :)

ImaginativeNewName · 07/11/2013 22:01

I used to be a bit of a maneater naughty girl and when I met DH I was aware that my reputation preceded me and wanted him to take me seriously so I stopped flirting, stopped flaunting myself, stopped making eye contact with other men who might find me attractive. Obviously because I am odd but at the time I really wanted to change my ways.

A wedding and two children later and I've realised it might be safe for me to talk to people with penis(es?) again and I just can't. I'm shy, I can't look men in the eye, I get awkward. It's joyless. Don't stop op, the ability to flirt is an awesome social skill and when you lose it, you CAN'T GET IT BACK!

Strumpetron · 07/11/2013 22:03

I've just cringed my head off at this thread.

Dahlen · 07/11/2013 22:07

Do you flirt with everyone OP? OAPs? People with disfigurements or weight issues? Spotty teens? Or is it just the young and fit?

If you're an indiscriminate flirt then it's just your particular mode of interaction. If you leave it only for those you consider sexually acceptable (even if not available), I would probably peg you as a vacuous idiot unless you made it clear that you were capable of granting just as much attention to the sexually unacceptable in a different way.

Within 5 minutes of meeting you I'd have probably sussed out which you were. Either way I wouldn't feel threatened, but option 1 might make me smile a bit at you whereas option 2 might make me cringe on your behalf.

I have a male friend who is a dreadful flirt with women. The reason he remains my friend is because he's quite capable of turning off the flirt and treating the targets of his flirtation as real human beings worthy of respect and his interest.

Are you sure you're not confusing your flirting with that slightly more difficult to define trait of charisma? Charisma is not flirting, although it can certainly involve it.

MrTumblesKnickers · 07/11/2013 22:09

If a deliveryman coyly brushed my hand while delivering a parcel I would be incredibly creeped out. Gross.

Like Strumpetron I'm also cringing my head off reading about your cheesy flirting antics.

SteamWisher · 07/11/2013 22:13

Are you 12?

Op it's a bit sad quite frankly.

FreudiansSlipper · 07/11/2013 22:15

I only managed to get halfway through the op

Nothing more dull than someone telling you about what everyone as naturally there is little else to talk about thinks/says about them

Original poster
Brittapie · 07/11/2013 22:22

That could be it! Charisma!

I don't get on with men better in general. I get on well with people who I have things in common with - some of those people are men, some are women. About two thirds of my friends are women.

And of course they are real human beings. I generally love and respect everyone - I can think of four people in the whole of the people I have ever known who I wouldn't be happy to sit and have a brew with, and that is directly because of genuinely bad (and actually in three cases illegal) behaviour, in the very recent past. Everyone else, it'd be nice to catch up.

Everyone is well fit, too. Or, maybe not well fit. Beautiful. I have never seen an ugly naked person in my life, and I worked in care for years.

It makes me so sad when a bit of flirting is taken so badly :(

OP posts:
Anchoress · 07/11/2013 22:23

Look, it's really nice that you are sexually self-confident, and comfortable in your own skin, but you sound incredibly juvenile and tiresome. Being around you, male or female, must be like having an over-eager puppy all the time leaping up at you, all eye-contact and swishing it's tail about, looking for a response. Your friends' response -and presumably these are people who like you! - suggests this, as well as your need to be validated by a bunch of complete strangers on the Internet.

Original poster
Brittapie · 07/11/2013 22:24

MrTumbles - how about if you had already smiled, fluttered eyelashes, etc etc and got the same back? I'm talking an accidental on purpose brief touch AFTER all the signals have been reciprocated. Not a random grab. Obviously.

OP posts:
Bettercallsaul1 · 07/11/2013 22:27

I still think you should abandon "flirting" and find another hobby, OP. Sure you don't fancy potholing?

Sallyingforth · 07/11/2013 22:28

I'm sorry for you OP.

Repeatedlydoingthetwist · 07/11/2013 22:34

I think Anchoress has it spot on. Isn't this just exhausting for you though OP?

Strumpetron · 07/11/2013 22:35

OP you seem to be putting far to much into this flirting business. Can't you just be yourself?