To flirt all the time?

[Brittapie]

Apparently I am constantly flirting. I keep getting in trouble for it.

The vast majority of the time (like, 99.9%) I mean absolutely nothing by it at all. It's just a nice way of giving people an ego boost, having a bit of fun etc. I'm not talking actually rubbing against people, I'm not even sure what it is I do really - making eye contact mostly I think, I dunno.

I get told I flirt when I dance too (I do partner dancing) but that just is because it feels weird NOT to look at someone who has their arm round my waist, and if I keep eye contact and smile I am much less likely to get dizzy and/or lose my lead somehow.

I probably do talk about sex a lot. OK I definitely do. But that's not in a flirty way, I just have a dirty sense of humour, and a lot of my friends are the same.

If people don't flirt back I stop, but I would say about 50% of people do flirt back (it's hard to say cos I don't really do it consciously) Every now and again I get in an outrageous flirt off when I find someone else who is as bad as I am

I'm bisexual, but I also do move in circles where maybe a third of my good platonic friends are men, so gender isn't really that big a deal (except that men are more likely to flirt back I suppose)

I'm not wafting about in miniskirts and high heels. I basically dress like a slightly vintagey student, I have very little poise and elegance. I am well fit but I genuinely think that most people are, if they would only believe it.

If I actually fancy someone I usually lose the ability to talk to them even normally and generally act all embarrassed and shy.

That doesn't help though. People keep telling me I was flirting, or telling me off for it. Not the people I'm flirting with though, because I just interact with the person I'm interacting with, not the entire room. And if it is a partner of the flirtee objecting, well they should be objecting to their partner, not to me. I wouldn't have any issue with a partner of mine flirting because, well, it's flirting.

SIGH.

So yeah, does anyone else flirt? And is a bit of harmless flirting really THAT bad?

OP have you ever considered that in placing the emphasis you do on these not-so-subtle cues of flirtation - eye contact, hair twirling, etc - you are actually missing the substance of what someone has to say to you. People may feel that their social interaction with you is all about your flirting, rather than you giving them your full attention. Maybe that's what people find off-putting?

People don't generally find it offputting though, just my friends watching from the sidelines will say things like "oh, you are such a terrible flirt!"

I am being myself. I am just a flirty person, both my sisters are too apparently. Plus I have various brain issues that make me very outgoing and flirty sometimes, and mean that I don't get exhausted

If I'm going to have to try not to flirt, even when someone is giving signals, it's THAT that will distract me from what they are saying. I can do it if there are no signals because there is nothing to bounce off anyway. Flirting is an interaction.

OP in the nicest possible way, it doesn't sound like you see anything wrong with it, or have any intentions of reigning it in, so I'm not quite sure what you're looking for from us?

If you're perfectly happy with yourself, don't see anything wrong in what you're doing and only a small select group of friends are commenting on your behaviour...

Plus I have various brain issues that make me very outgoing and flirty sometimes, and mean that I don't get exhausted

I'm glad you said this because I did want to ask, over flirting is often a sign of a mental health issue. Please don't take offence at this, I'm not saying you have one, but it is a sign.

I know you have Bipolar from other threads on here, which can affect someone's behaviour when they are hypomanic or manic. Such as flirting too much.

Are you talking about being flirty all the time or just when you are unwell / becoming unwell.

I don't know your posting history, and yeah, it can get out of control if you're not quite yourself.

But if it's done in a neutral sort of 'make others feel good and bantering' sort of way, rather than being sleazy, I think it's just a bit of light-hearted social lubrication. If you overdo the sexual aspect rather than the charming chitchat, then you are on dodgy territory and will look a bit sad. But most people enjoy the company of a natural flirt, when it just means beaming a bit of attention on people and making them relax.

This kind of behaviour gives the impression that you are superficial, insecure and vacuous. Maybe that's unfair - maybe people need to see beyond the behaviour, but that is how it is. You will be judged on your behaviour just as other people are judged (wrongly or not, that's just how humans are) on accent, gender, skin colour and dress code. You will need to work extra hard to get people to take your seriously just like a teeny wee blonde woman in a tight pink suit would need to work super hard to be taken seriously on a construction site.

That's OK if you understand and are prepared to be judged.

Personally I find excessive sexual innuendo immature and cringeworthy. You could be super smart and have a heap of worthwhile stuff to say, but in the workplace or away from close friends, this would be a big turn off for me - I just wouldn't want to hear more from you.

But maybe you are OK with not having people like me as a friend, so again, that's fine, just so long as you understand why.

I don't give a rats arse about your sexual orientation and wouldn't judge you on it but parading it like a badge and going on and on is just dull and sounds like you are asking for validation. Again, not a problem, I just wouldn't listen to you much.

Why are you asking us?

how about if you had already smiled, fluttered eyelashes, etc etc and got the same back? I'm talking an accidental on purpose brief touch AFTER all the signals have been reciprocated.

Well that's cool and all but don't you have a boyfriend? Would you stroke the deliveryman's hand if your boyfriend was standing there looking on? If the answer's no, then I think you sound pretty sleazy.

You asked if a bit of harmless flirting is all that bad, but I'm not sure what you're doing is 'harmless flirting', it sounds like you're simply a lecher.

Maybe I need to go back and read the whole thread... I don't think touching anyone is a great idea if you don't know them.

I thought perhaps you meant banter, rather than touching. A friend of mine 'flirts' with waiters, bar staff etc, in as much as she chats to them in a friendly, complimentary and slightly cheesy way - it's ironic flirting if you like and works really well to get their attention, put them at ease and get good service. Most of all she enjoys it.

The point is they feel comfortable precisely because she's not actually flirting, she's having a good time and involving them in that, in an appropriate way. Silly compliments or having a laugh, yes. Touching, or faux sexual flirting, no. Ugh. Sorry but it does sound a bit creepy.

Some people are tactile in a non-flirtatious way (or more subtle one anyway) which can be quite nice, as it comes across as attentive. Even that straddles a fine line between attentive and creepy.

My boyfriend wouldn't care, he doesn't own me...

Yeah, banter is probably it. I am sure nobody actually thinks I actually mean it. Flirty banter.

OK, can we stop with the touching, I gave an example that was wrong. I very rarely touch anyone for any reason if I can help it, outside of the context of partner dancing, which has fairly strict rules. I don't even go to the hairdresser. I just thought people would relate to that example because everyone else seems to like touching people, and I get told I am weird to not like touching people - other people enjoy things like crowded nightclubs, which baffles me. I was wrong, sorry.

and also, that example I gave was fingers brushing slightly. Not stroking.

Latara - I'm hardly ever "well", but I function very well most of the time. I'm just very outgoing and energetic sometimes, basically. I am on absolutely LOADS of medication to stop it going any further than that.

ugh at crowded nightclubs, yuk, but that's more of an invasion of your wossit called, personal space thing, where you can't choose to reach beyond your invisible limit

So I would say, on no evidence whatsoEVER, something profound, pithy, yet supportive and kind

There ya go

I don't think the dancing really counts as flirting, some styles of dance lend themselves to smiling and eye contact, but it's more acting the dance and with the music than real flirting isn't it? Or I've flirted with countless 60/70 year old men

So, thinking of my friend then, is a bit of harmless flirting bad? No. Does everyone do it? No. Is doing it all the time acceptable? No.

It's fine in its place, as a social lubricant in friendly, light-hearted situations, where the other person is in a similar frame of mind, as an opener, or fleeting interaction.

It's like a joke though, funny once, not if repeated endlessly. It also functions as a way of keeping things very superficial and avoiding real conversation, so gets boring quite quickly, with the same person.

Gawd, the OP sounds as though she is the same age as my daughter. Which is 15. What is the point of this infantile post? What is the point of this infantile behaviour? Is sex your only currency? Because tbh, if that is all you have going for you, especially as a woman, it is a mistake.

Yeah, our dancing doesn't really allow for flirting, because it's an energetic style of dance, as opposed to the latin dances. But I have been told that my eye contact and smiling, and even my swivels (a bit where you basically do the twist very quickly, twice, when you are the furthest away you can get whilst still holding hands, sometimes with a kind of counterbalance) are flirty.

What do you do? Lindy?

Yeah

How did you guess? Swivels?

I defy anyone to not smile when lindy hopping

It really is SO MUCH FUN!

Wow.

This thread is ... something else...

I think you sound fab, OP!

OP. I worked in bars for years but I never flirted with customers. I had a laugh and was friendly towards them but it wasn't a pre requisite of the job to do the eye contact flirting thing.