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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

fathers access rights? (posting for traffic)

201 replies

WorriedFriend2013 · 29/10/2013 21:28

namechanged in case friends wife is on here. posting in AIBU for traffic.

basically, my good friend has left his wife, about 4 weeks ago. They have a 1 year old dd. His wife has always been a bit controlling and 'odd', and has slowly driven away the majority of his friends and family over the 4 years they have been together. They had an argument last month and she said some disgusting things about his family, which kind of woke him up to what she was really like.

They split and she is now living at her mothers, with their dd. She has not allowed him to see dd since. Obviously he is totally heartbroken over this, as his daughter is his whole world. He has suggested various things eg, only seeing his daughter in a public place like a cafe/playgym, her supervising them at the house etc, but she is having none of it.

Her latest thing is that 'she is scared to see him', when there is zero history of violence/abuse from him. He is now terrified that she will lie and say he has hurt her or dd in order to stop contact for good.

He has made an appointment with a solicitor for the end of the week, but we just wanted to know, basically, is there any chance that she could keep his dd from him for good? If she lies will they just believe her even if there is no evidence?
She has said she will do everything in her power to make sure he and his family never see dd again, but does she actually have this power?

OP posts:
ThisWayForCrazy · 29/10/2013 22:29

Just read this whole thread and all I can think to say is "wtf are you on flase??"

starlight1234 · 29/10/2013 22:31

I think he is doing the right thing...The child does have a right to see their father...

However word of caution for you...You can support your friend and sound like a great friend but you are hearing one side of the story....My Ex was the victim too...Not saying it is the case with your mate but it is possible he sees a very different version...

I would advise he is also pleasant unargumentative even if she tries to start arguments... This will get him much further.

Courts don't usually refuse contact with no very serious reason.

ballstoit · 29/10/2013 22:31

If only there was a like post facility...class appears to be reading and replying to different posts from the op Confused

Daddyofone · 29/10/2013 22:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ballstoit · 29/10/2013 22:32

That was at this way...and class is my auto corrects version of flase

imnotwhoyouthinkiam · 29/10/2013 22:32

Flase are you ok? ::headtilt::

op I hope your friend gets the help he needs, and a happy ending.

I've seen male friends berated and publicly slated for not seeing their dc,.when in truth the ex hasn't let them. I've also seen the reverse, where men claim their ex is the worst bitch ever for not letting him see the dc, when in fact he just can't be bothered. In all cases like those its the child that loses out :(

balia · 29/10/2013 22:32

Placing the fairly disgusting examples of rampant double standards and prejudice on one side, please do tell your friend that things are not without hope.

FNF, as mentioned upthread are here and they are excellent. I would suggest that your friend makes no further direct approaches to his ex (as these may give her ammunition for accusations) but instead outlines the current situation (in polite, non-emotive terms) in a letter suggesting mediation. He can organise this himself, and attend the first appointment. This is often a good idea anyway, to talk over the situation with a third party and think about what your friend wants to achieve, what is practical and reasonable. They then contact the ex and invite her to attend.

It may take some time, it will probably move more slowly than he wishes, but there is a lot he can do to ensure that his DD gets to have a relationship with her Dad.

ThisWayForCrazy · 29/10/2013 22:33

Thank you for the like balls Grin

CeliaLytton · 29/10/2013 22:34

bellasue that is one of the most upsetting things I have ever read on here, and that is saying something. People stay in relationships where thy are desperately unhappy because they are being abused, manipulated, guilt tripped, are depressed, trying to make it work, many many reasons.

I can't believe anyone would say to a woman, who's partner was denying her access to her child and who had been causing her distress, steadily isolating her from friends and family, and insulting her family, would tell her that it can't have been that bad as you stayed with him for 4 years and had a baby with him

CeliaLytton · 29/10/2013 22:36

OP I'm sorry I have nothing helpful to add, I have no experience of this kind of situation and don't want to speculate but I hope that the child is given the opportunity to have the relationship she deserves with both parents.

Original poster
WorriedFriend2013 · 29/10/2013 22:36

thanks starlight I am very aware that i am only seeing one side, but all i can do is support my friend, as i would any friend. I have no issue with saying he's being a dick when he is, thats the kind of relationship we have, but all i currently see is a man who's devastated, so i will be there for him best i can.

He is trying to avoid arguments, which is easy as most of the time she wont answer her phone! He has text her, with no emotion, just basically saying
'hope dd is ok, please let me know if you need anything for her, would you please let me know when is a good time to talk' mostly she dowsnt reply.

He is also trying to not text too much as he doesnt want her to feel pressure or think he's harrassing her.

OP posts:
tiredoutgran · 29/10/2013 22:38

I believe the procedure these days is to try mediation before going to Court. He needs a solicitor and, if mediation is suggested should be positive about it. The Court will not appreciate anybody not being willing to consider it (except in extreme or complex cases).

He can apply for a contact order, many are given on a 'share care' arrangement or, as previously said, alternate weekends and half holidays. The alternative to this is a residence order, if he feels the child would be better off living with him full time.

Daddyofone · 29/10/2013 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
WorriedFriend2013 · 29/10/2013 22:40

daddyofone thank you very much, good advice and i will pass on that link to my friend.

OP posts:
WestieMamma · 29/10/2013 22:40

The courts take a dim view of emotions? Really? When I got divorced and fought my ex's application for access to my daughter I was so stressed that I blubbered incoherently through the entire process. The court officials were kind, gentle and understanding throughout.

SolidGoldBrass · 29/10/2013 22:41

His best bet is to stay calm and reasonable; seek mediation first and take legal advice. A court will normally award one night per week and every other weekend.

However, if there are allegations of abuse, they may (they should) insist that contact is initially supervised. If that happens he needs to accept it, and not throw his toys out of the pram. If his XP wants to reject any contact between him and her he needs to comply with that.

And (unless he was formerly the SAHP and is without income) he needs to pay maintenance and under no circumstances withold it unless he's allowed to see his DC on his own terms.

Original poster
WorriedFriend2013 · 29/10/2013 22:44

how would he pay cm daddyofone just put money in her bank? he has offered money, she doesnt reply. He has the money but didnt know whether to put it in her bank or put in on one side for dd, or in dd savings account?

OP posts:
Meglet · 29/10/2013 22:47

Although maintenance is separate from contact. Paying maintenance (or not) isn't considered if it goes to court. But he should pay, possibly in a savings account for his DD while everything is up in the air.

Original poster
WorriedFriend2013 · 29/10/2013 22:48

thanks solidgold hes already said that he will go with basically any form of access. Even if its only an hour in a contact centre, then fight for more over time.
I just hope to god that she doesnt tell lies/drag the situation out. I think what winds me up is that it could have all been sorted by now, he could have seen his dd, even if it was only for an hour in the park or something. She is just being so stubborn.

Ive even asked him direct if hes ever done anything wrong, to either his wife or dd, as i couldnt see why she would be like this.
Then i realised i was basically victim blaming, 'what did you do to make her treat you like this'. Some people are just nasty i suppose.

OP posts:
Sparklysilversequins · 29/10/2013 22:50

Did they not have a joint bank account?

Daddyofone · 29/10/2013 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
WorriedFriend2013 · 29/10/2013 22:54

sparkly as far as im aware they get paid into their own, then transferred 'bill money' into a house account. He obviously has her details, so could put money in her 'spends' account, but was unsure of what to do really. Like i say he has the money available, its not an issue for him to pay.

OP posts:
justmyview · 29/10/2013 22:55

Your friend should take the moral high ground every step of the way. Pay child support voluntarily. Send birthday and Christmas cards to the child. Turn up on time to any contact visits permitted. Co-operate fully with CAFCASS and any other professionals. No arguing with his ex. No name calling or sarcastic texts. Anything he does is likely to be criticised in one way or another, so he needs to be squeaky clean.

Daddyofone · 29/10/2013 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrandybuckCurdlesnoot · 29/10/2013 22:56

Personally I wouldn't put money into her account without her agreement first.

If I were him, I would put 15% of my net income every month into an account for her. Then it is there ready for when maintenance is sorted in the future.