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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

fathers access rights? (posting for traffic)

201 replies

WorriedFriend2013 · 29/10/2013 21:28

namechanged in case friends wife is on here. posting in AIBU for traffic.

basically, my good friend has left his wife, about 4 weeks ago. They have a 1 year old dd. His wife has always been a bit controlling and 'odd', and has slowly driven away the majority of his friends and family over the 4 years they have been together. They had an argument last month and she said some disgusting things about his family, which kind of woke him up to what she was really like.

They split and she is now living at her mothers, with their dd. She has not allowed him to see dd since. Obviously he is totally heartbroken over this, as his daughter is his whole world. He has suggested various things eg, only seeing his daughter in a public place like a cafe/playgym, her supervising them at the house etc, but she is having none of it.

Her latest thing is that 'she is scared to see him', when there is zero history of violence/abuse from him. He is now terrified that she will lie and say he has hurt her or dd in order to stop contact for good.

He has made an appointment with a solicitor for the end of the week, but we just wanted to know, basically, is there any chance that she could keep his dd from him for good? If she lies will they just believe her even if there is no evidence?
She has said she will do everything in her power to make sure he and his family never see dd again, but does she actually have this power?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 29/10/2013 22:00

Why on earth should he have taken his child with him? Worra you cannot possibly know from the limited information given who the child's main carer is and how damaging that could potentially be. HE left, he doesn't get to high handedly remove children too.

Would you leave your child with an EA and controlling ex because you felt you had to get away from the marriage?

Fine if you would, but I certainly wouldn't.

jellybeans · 29/10/2013 22:01

He will definitely get rights, most probably every other weekend and half the holidays. I would be cautious of believing everything he says though, two sides of the story and all that. Also could the mother have PND or MH issues? Is there anyway mediation could be suggested etc etc.

needaholidaynow · 29/10/2013 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

caruthers · 29/10/2013 22:02

Men suffer from DV too and judging by most of the comments on here it's been recognised as an issue.

Some posters probably have clouded judgement in this instance because they may have been victims in the past.

WorraLiberty · 29/10/2013 22:03

I think Flase would go down a storm on the relationship board Lol

Original poster

WorriedFriend2013 · 29/10/2013 22:03

Bella i am realise that, and he obviously was happy at one point. Since they have split we have talked about things, and a lot has come out. Things we thought 'well thats odd' at the time, but then dismissed, he has now told us the back story of, and its all kind of made sense now.
He hasnt come slagging her off to me or anything, but its like hes finally opened his eyes properly.
When we say 'but why did you not say anything at the time?' he just says 'i thought i was being stupid/i thought it would get better'

OP posts:

Sparklysilversequins · 29/10/2013 22:04

I am interested to know why the EA Ex is living with her mother and not with her child in the family home?

pigletmania · 29/10/2013 22:04

I agree with you op, you know women can be vie and abusive too, they make it ad for everybody else. If your friend is not violent and abusive then yes te child has a right to a father and I hope tat he does fight. There is a very sad thread at the moment in AIBU, about a lady whose violent abusive ex has unsupervised access with her ds, so no even violent and abusive parents can get unsupervised access

WithConfidence · 29/10/2013 22:06

The reason some people are skeptical of his version of events is that women are very rarely the perpetrators of domestic abuse. And often men who are, will be very manipulative (and charming, plausible etc) and convince everyone that it is the victim who is actually the one abusing him.

[If anyone is interested you can read all about this in Lundy Bancroft's books, he is a professional counseller for people who are domestic abuse perpetrators, in the hope of protecting the women and children who are their victims. He says he occasionally has women clients but often they are in same sex relationshsips were dynamics are obvious different.]

OP, Family mediation is another, less forceful, option for your friend. Tell him the important thing is to keep calm, not make threats of court fights which harm everyone and keep his focus on what is best for the child.

BrandybuckCurdlesnoot · 29/10/2013 22:06

People constantly try to deny the hypocrisy shown towards separated fathers on here from "some" posters, but here it is, clear to see.

If a woman came on posting about her friend who had left her emotionally abusive ex and was asking for advice on how to tackle contact arrangements for their child, she most certainly wouldn't be told that she is "too involved", "only knows one side of the story", "should go and see a GP" or "should forget giving the friend support because it's going to go on for years you know?"

Some of the responses to this thread are not helpful.

Sparklysilversequins · 29/10/2013 22:07

No I would not leave me child with an abusive ex, obviously, I didn't when I left my ex.

However is she's that bad, then why didn't he take her? As a good and responsible father he hopefully weighed up the risks and decided it wasn't an issue.

Original poster

WorriedFriend2013 · 29/10/2013 22:07

sparkly they split in the evening, he slept in spare room. he went to work next day, got home and she'd packed. She said she was going to her mothers and he didnt want an argument in front of dd so watched her leave.

OP posts:

needaholidaynow · 29/10/2013 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sparklysilversequins · 29/10/2013 22:07

My not me

BrianTheMole · 29/10/2013 22:09

I cant help feeling that if a woman had gone through what he has been through with her, more people would be understanding of why he had to leave.

Yes, I have been thinking this too. Hope your friend gets the advice he needs.

Alisvolatpropiis · 29/10/2013 22:09

He absolutely needs to seek legal advice. Immediately. The best he can afford.

Some of the responses here are downright bizarre.

BrandybuckCurdlesnoot · 29/10/2013 22:10

WithConfidence - it is sad to think that male DV victims may not come forward though due to the automatic assumption that they are lying and are in fact the abuser themselves. That is not the way to deal with someone who is claiming to be a victim of domestic violence.

Those claiming to suffer from DV may be lying, but that would normally become apparent further down the line. We cannot refuse men support though just because women are more at risk of DV.

FlaseFuckerSpider · 29/10/2013 22:11

CAFCASS would flag up concerns if a Mother was dripping in tears around her child and was hanging out with a very angry male friend who hated the Father, so yes it would the same if the roles were reversed. Do you not understand that it is about the child and it is not good for a child to have someone dripping in tears around them?

caruthers · 29/10/2013 22:11

No I would not leave me child with an abusive ex, obviously, I didn't when I left my ex

However is she's that bad, then why didn't he take her? As a good and responsible father he hopefully weighed up the risks and decided it wasn't an issue

You think a father can just take a child and deny access from the childs mother

pigletmania · 29/10/2013 22:11

It is possible for women to be abusive, ad for men to be abused emotionally and physically by their female partner

Sparklysilversequins · 29/10/2013 22:12

I totally understand why he had to leave, but personally I would never leave my child with such a person, nothing could make me and I would say the same if it was a woman posting.

OP, what are the wife's parents like? Sometimes people encourage crap like this and as she's staying with them she may feel a bit pressured. Could he get her on her own without dd vb there for a sensible chat?

Sparklysilversequins · 29/10/2013 22:13

No Caruthers I don't as I said to Worra in my earlier post.

Original poster

WorriedFriend2013 · 29/10/2013 22:13

Im sorry Flase but i cannot believe that you are being serious. I would be more concerned if he wasnt upset tbh. and he is not dripping in tears! he is upset. Or is he not supposed to have emotions?

And im not 'very angry' i feel bad for my friend! I dont hate the mum, i hate what shes doing, those are two very different things.

OP posts:

BrandybuckCurdlesnoot · 29/10/2013 22:15

Flase, are you saying anyone who gets upset and cries in front of their child should have that child taken off of them? How bizarre. He wouldn't be if he had his child with him anyway!

Why do you think the OP is angry? She doesn't sound angry to me. She sounds upset for her friend and like she is trying to help him. You are projecting.

FlaseFuckerSpider · 29/10/2013 22:15

He had better get a check on his emotions if he is off to court, they don't appreciate emotions there and would take a dim view of him hanging around you, with your behaviour, the high level of anger and hatred of the child's Mother.

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