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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum's nickname for my unborn baby really pisses me off

172 replies

Jolleigh · 26/10/2013 21:32

Mum is calling the baby 'peanut'. I'm nearly 19 weeks and she's done it since 5 weeks despite knowing it annoys me. In fact, since she was told (by me) just how much it's annoying me, she's made a point of doing it more and insists she's not going to call the baby by its name after it's born, but call it peanut instead.

I'm pretty sure I'm being hormonal and precious. But it feels like she's disrespecting me (though if you asked me why, I'd definitely not be able to tell you) and I want to scream whenever I hear it. It's not even as if my own pet name for the baby is particularly complimentary...it's Alien Blush

Anyone else had this or able to shed any light on why it annoys me quite so much?

Or possibly able to talk me into not hating it?

OP posts:
vtechjazz · 28/10/2013 09:48

Have you up until now been 'OK' with teasing etc?? Have you inadvertantly made yourself the family laughing stock by laughing with them when they take the piss? This might be the time to draw a line in the sand and stand firm. Do you want your baby to grow up seeing his mum treated like this or worse, thinking that the only way to make people like you is to allow bullying?

My family has this same dynamic, and since my boy arrived I've adopted a zero tolerance for it.

Blu · 28/10/2013 09:58

"while she's the one who's creating its identity"

My guess is that this is what is upsetting you. You think that she is creating it's identity. But she isn't, she is just using an affectionate nick name perhaps because she finds 'it' too impersonal. I think it is a bity harsh that your Mum has been accused of control issues etc on this thread - and I'm not sure that all the issues are in her side!

Of course you feel extremely madly, deeply protective of your baby, right up to protecting it against your Mum's nickname.

It may be irritating to you, but don't blame her for being a baddie - she will be the baby's most adoring (and useful) admirer once born, and don't worry - the baby will establish it's own identity!

Blu · 28/10/2013 10:00

Seriously - calm down about this.

Wanting to punch your Mum over using an affectionate nn is not in proporation.

Just stop reacting to her if it annoys you.

DevilsRoulette · 28/10/2013 10:05

Have you calmly, directly and with a serious face said mum, why do you call the baby peanut when you know that it bothers me? why don't you care that you are upsetting me?

It may be more difficult for her to laugh it off if you ask her that. Plus, her response will tell you what to do next.

If she says sorry, if she tells you to not be sensitive, if she plays the victim, if she gets nasty... she, not you, will determine what happens now.

thebody · 28/10/2013 10:11

can you just ignore her texts and stop seeing her for a while. explain that this is really really irritating you and you can't be around her until she stops this.

it's amazing how littke things can irritate the hell out of you, especially when your hormones are everywhere and it's not good enough for your mom to brush this off.

be direct and stick to your guns. tell her to stop it now and tell any relatives to stop it too or there's no contact.

I can't imagine in a million years doing this to my dds.

Original poster
Jolleigh · 28/10/2013 10:17

vtech - sounds like we have a similar family dynamic. They're all a bunch of piss takers and I've definitely taken more than my fair share in the past, though it's not exclusively me as the victim.

The immediate family are the worst for it. I no longer talk to my dad, so it's stopped on that front. My brother stopped once my salary surpassed his (evidently that was a big thing to him and we now have a mutual respect for the most part) but my mum actually got worse at this point (I also passed her wage then and she was extremely bitter...I got nasty comments about how lovely it must be in the private sector for weeks on end).

We're close, as I've mentioned, but I do think an earlier poster (on the mobile so can't check the name) was right in saying she's doing this because now I'm the family's breeding female, she feels as though she's losing her status. (channelling David Attenborough there Wink )

OP posts:
Original poster
Jolleigh · 28/10/2013 10:19

Blu - I don't actually want to punch her...it's a joke!

OP posts:
liquidstate · 28/10/2013 10:20

I'm sorry harmless joke it may have started out as, but she is now even beginning to annoy me so I understand how you must be feeling.

Simply tell her that you will not be communicating with her until she stops being so childish. And that extends to the rest of the family as well. Once she stops they all will.

At the end of the day they are the ones missing out.

Chottie · 28/10/2013 10:23

I do not understand your mother at all. Why, why, why would she persist in doing something which obviously upsets you?

Could you write her a letter and say as she is not prepared to listen to you, you are writing it down so she realises just how much you hate it.

p.s. congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope this is soon resolved.

DevilsRoulette · 28/10/2013 10:25

What does 'close' mean to you?

I ask because you repeatedly say how close you are, while telling us all about how she's bitter, doesn't respect how you feel, is a 'cowbag' who enjoys winding you up and knows how you feel about this name so chose to use it more.

Close isn't talking every day. Close is supportive, loving, kind, gentle, etc.

In what ways is she those things? Anyone can pick up a phone on daily basis.

I know she's irritating you atm, Grin but maybe if you focus on the good things, the ways in which she is loving and supportive, all the things she does that show you how much she loves you - the little things she does that make you feel loved and valued - (even things like knowing you're having a particular craving and just showing up with it out of the blue, or something, doesn't have to be big things) you will be able to take a step back about this 'peanut' thing. If that makes sense.

I don't get why it bothers you but I get that it does and so I'm not trying to dismiss how you feel (I wouldn't dare, you'd probably come at me with a frying pan Grin ) but rather I'm thinking how you might be able to feel a bit better about it all.

Original poster
Jolleigh · 28/10/2013 10:28

Devils & thebody - I've ignored the message this morning. She's under the impression I'm working today anyway so won't be expecting anything back. The rest of the family honestly won't be an issue...purposefully winding up a pregnant woman isn't their style Wink

I would like to think that anyone who's read the thread can tell that for the most part, I'm keeping this light hearted. Yes, it is really annoying me and I want it to stop. But I'd never hit her or properly fall out with her over it, I'm more than capable of rising above if she refuses to do the decent thing.

OP posts:
tobiasfunke · 28/10/2013 10:39

I'll echo whoever said this a territory thing. When she envisaged grandchildren it was solely in the context of her and them. She hadn't thought through the whole pregnancy thing where she basically has no input. So she is laying claim. I would more than a little pissed off. You say she is the matriarch so I would predict a few battles ahead.

My MIL went to the other extreme from your mum. She went on for years about grandchildren and was such a martyr because we had 7 years of infertility. As soon as I got pregnant she went all funny and didn't want to know anything about it- wouldn't look at the scan pictures, wouldn't talk about it and then didn't want anything to do with DS when he was born. She just hadn't thought through in her head the fact her grandchild would have anything to do with me. I think she envisaged a stork descending from the heavens carrying a ickle baby on a cloud to be held by the saintly grandmama.

Original poster
Jolleigh · 28/10/2013 10:42

That sounds horrible tobias. Has she gotten over that behaviour now or are you still battling with it? Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Jolleigh · 28/10/2013 11:54

Yay! Success!

This morning's message has now been resent, referring to Alien as 'little one' which is miles better Grin

She's getting married in less than 2 weeks and evidently, her wanting to gossip about the wedding trumps her wanting to annoy me. I am disproportionately happy about this.

OP posts:
Bettercallsaul1 · 28/10/2013 12:12

Result! Hope this continues!

stopthiscrap · 28/10/2013 12:14

It isn't the biggest thing in the scheme of things, certainly not abusive.
Sometimes, it is worth remembering that some people would do anything to have an annoying, loving and alive mother around to see your baby born at all.
YABU, it is a tiny little thing to moan about.

appletarts · 28/10/2013 12:16

It's the beginning of your mother believing she in some way owns your baby. Welcome to motherhood and managing your own mothers weirdo reactions (speaking from experience!)

Original poster
Jolleigh · 28/10/2013 12:29

stopthiscrap - I am of course lucky to still have my mum. But by no means should that stop me being irritated when she purposefully tries to irritate me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jolleigh · 28/10/2013 12:30

Why thank you Apple Grin Just had another non-peanut message. Long may it continue.

OP posts:
stopthiscrap · 28/10/2013 12:32

No irritated is ok. But is it really abuse? passive agressive bullying? controlling behaviour?
Do you like her and generally get on with her? is she kind and supportive and a bit barmy and annoying? if so, I don't think it is worth it.
My mum used to drive me crackers but took me in and loved me unconditionally when I needed her.

tobiasfunke · 28/10/2013 12:33

Hooray. Round 1 to you.

MIL never got over it. When SIL had a baby when DS was 3 it was a revelation. She became a doting granny to DN. She even told me she was so happy to be a grandmother at last. Doesn't help DS looks like me. I thought MIL and I got on ok for the previous 16 years. Obviously not.
At least your mum will be a super granny.

Original poster
Jolleigh · 28/10/2013 13:21

Isn't it strange tobias? My mum has always said (thankfully only to me) that a grandchild from my brother isn't the same because it's my SIL who will have carried it, not a blood relative. I've tried to dig into this a bit further with her to understand it more but she just says that it isn't the same. I know that it may cause issues should my brother and SIL have a child, but there's not really a way of mitigating that for them.

stop - I've actually had a very strained relationship with my mum for a variety of reasons over the years. We have very different views on many things and certain undesirable factors mean she often says things in a very offensive way. She's not particularly maternal either so we've struggled to bond at all until my adult years. I appreciate that many people have a more natural bond with their mums, but it's something I put a lot of effort into each week. So please don't feel that I'm disrespecting or disregarding the normal bond between mother and daughter...we haven't had that so one of us purposefully and persistently annoying the other can really strain the relationship.

I suppose that also answers an earlier poster's question about what I mean by 'close' (Devils?)

OP posts:
2tiredtoScare · 28/10/2013 13:28

I think you are really lucky if this is the extent of your worries

EldritchCleavage · 28/10/2013 13:33

We don't know that it is the extent of OP's worries, it's just what she is posting about today. Which is fine.

2tiredtoScare · 28/10/2013 13:35

Surely you post about the most pressing thing

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