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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that a dirty/messy house does not mean you're a "Great Mum"?

234 replies

trilogyofjuniper · 25/10/2013 11:45

Aaaaaagh! All those stupid slogans. "My floors are sticky and my kitchen is messy because I'm a great mum!", etc.

No, it's because you're a slob.

OP posts:
Arisbottle · 27/10/2013 22:24

I certainly don't need congratulating even when it's meant with sarcasm.

RhondaJean · 27/10/2013 22:25

I paid a bloody fortune for my house too, I also want to enjoy it, not be a slave to cleaning it.

killpeppa · 27/10/2013 22:26

I'd rather play, get messy and have fun than worry about crumbs on the floor.

the Hoover comes out after bedtime.
this will be the way until they are older- they are growing up too fastConfused

Arisbottle · 27/10/2013 22:29

But I am not a slave to cleaning it, I tend to be awake for about 18-19 hours a day. I spend no more than 2 of those hours cleaning and that is a maximum. So about 10% of my time.

Arisbottle · 27/10/2013 22:30

In fact I spend an equivalent if not more time with my horses than I do cleaning.

ballstoit · 27/10/2013 22:33

I don't need someone who has never met me telling me how to maintain my self esteem, but that didn't seem to prevent you doing it.

There are lots of reasons suggested on the thread why people can't have a house as immaculate as yours...CFS, mental health issues, physical health issues, children with special needs, being a skint lone parent of 3 who works full time Wink , etc, etc.

Your responses to that was to 'not see why someone else can't manage something I can'...which is why I offered my sarcastic congratulations.

IMO order of priority is children, me, dust free shelves. I'm not a perfect parent, but I'm definitely not a crap one.

Arisbottle · 27/10/2013 22:35

But I then said that my inability to understand said more about me than anyone else. I was criticizing myself not you.

When have I called you a crap parent?

Of course though I put my book shelves before my children.

Arisbottle · 27/10/2013 22:38

In fact if you read my post, I actually say that because I am pregnant and struggling we are having to get help in

Although why I am having another child is a mystery, I clearly love my shelves more.

Fishandjam · 27/10/2013 22:39

Ok, I'm going to make you all gak with a syrupy, saccharine bit of doggerel, but I first read it aged 9ish and it's stayed with me ever since. It's my excuse for being an utter slattern. And it brings a few tears to my eyes, though that may just be the gin.

I hope that my child, looking back on today
Remembers a mother who had time to play
Children grow up when you are not looking
There are long years ahead for cleaning and cooking
So cobwebs, be quiet now, dust go to sleep
I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep.

Arisbottle · 27/10/2013 22:40

Yes, I clearly ignored my screaming child to clean my house.

Xmasbaby11 · 27/10/2013 22:41

I can't see how it as anything to do with parenting skills. To me it's normal that a family house looks 'lived in' but not dirty IYSWIM. I wouldn't make any assumptions about parenting from the state of someone's house, other than a. if it was filthy and unhygienic, or b. there was evidence of play which showed that children had been engaged in something, eg crafts. I think when people are houseproud it has nothing to do with children - they made time to clean a lot before they had children, and continue to do so.

Fishandjam · 27/10/2013 22:42

Oh gawd arisbottle, you're one of those who can get by on 5 hours' sleep? You lucky, lucky fecker.

RhondaJean · 27/10/2013 22:44

Think of all the things you could do with that time - find a cure for cancer, negotiate world peace, create amazing art, or even just learn about other people.

Although aris I don't count shovelling horse poo as housework. That's a basic of making sure your horse is cared for. It's not up there with ironing tea towels.

justmuddlingalongsomehow · 27/10/2013 22:45

Maybe you're a single mum working several jobs to make ends meet and getting bugger all from your children's father and your house is a mess because you can't afford a cleaner and you are too knackered to spend every hour of the weekend cleaning. Just maybe. There are so many permutations to this one.

Bloody hard to be a great mum in ^ these circumstances but at least the kids are housed and fed.

Arisbottle · 27/10/2013 22:45

I think that is the reality when you have a demanding career, a large family, big house and a menagerie of animals at the bottom of the garden. I could sleep more and have less. I want more and therefore sleep less.

Arisbottle · 27/10/2013 22:50

I don't think I have even claimed to be a great mother, I aim for good enough. This site is full of parents who quite frankly make me feel a rather inadequate. The fact that my bathroom is shiny does not make me any better than an adequate parent and has nothing to do with anyone else's parent. I have not criticized anyone on this thread, other than myself. I have said I get a lot done, because I have issues and don't sleep a lot. I acknowledged that made me rather annoying. I explicitly said that I might struggle to understand why people did less but that was my failing not theirs.

Aside from scrubbing myself with a scouring pad or beating myself with my mop, wat else do you want me to do.

I also never said that looking after my horses was housework, I said I gave my horses more time than I did my house.

Arisbottle · 27/10/2013 22:53

Do you know what, fuck it.

yes I am a shit mother because I like a clean house, I clearly have no right to be on a board called mumsnet because I am such a shit mother.

I may as well find someone with an untidy house and offer them by unborn child.

I am over reacting and that is pissing me off that I have allowed someone to wind me up. I am de registering , maybe I will find a cure for cancer in the time I spend posting on here.

Fishandjam · 27/10/2013 22:54

But aris, you can cope with less sleep. I can't; I've tried (and occasionally I've had to - especially when DD was tiny) and it just sends my mental health totally down the cludgie. I'd rather be slightly grubby/untidy and not googling painless ways to top myself.

So I guess I don't understand why you can't understand how other people don't do things the way you do Confused

Fishandjam · 27/10/2013 22:55

Argh, don't deregister!

Arisbottle · 27/10/2013 22:56

FFS I said I was wrong to not understand, " that says more about me than anyone else " was what I typed.

Arisbottle · 27/10/2013 22:56

I can't fucking see how to de register. grin

RhondaJean · 27/10/2013 22:58

You were using shovelling horse shit while listening to audio books as an example of how you "get things done" I do believe.

You havent been at all judgemental that I can see - just a little smug. Explaining you have issues makes sense - I have found in general people who are obsessed with the presentation of their homes do have issues and I would love to do some research into that.

Conversely I think living in unhygienic surroundings has long been a symptom of mental health issues too.

As with all things it's about balance. Learning to smell the roses - or the horse shit.

Fishandjam · 27/10/2013 23:06

aris, believe me, I aspire to a spotless house, and I am fearsomely jealous of yours. But I just can't achieve one, cos I'm a lazy sod who detests housework, and there don't seem to be enough hours in the day for me. I am, however, a rampant declutterer Grin

And my garden is Chelsea standard (not really, but it's better than some tufty grass and an overgrown forsythia). Because I really like gardening! I'll kvetch like mad at hoovering, but happily mow the lawn.

ravenAnyKucker · 27/10/2013 23:20

I think the elephant in the room is that I honestly don't know any bloke who devotes this level of introspection to whether the house is spotless/presentable/Life of Grimetastic.

& as for giving headspace to balancing having a clean house with, oh, we are a bit messy, but then there's a wormery on top of the piano & the little tinkers do tend to leave their Greek lexicons lying about...it's competitive smugging, & I do it myself on occasion I'm sure, but it's not actually particularly big or clever.

There are five people in my household, so I aim to have a reasonably clean & tidy house, & to do no more than 20% of the work which this generates.

Obviously this is unrealistic at the moment as 3/5 of the workforce are under 10, but I'm bloody well working on it Grin.

One thing that I'm quite sure of is that the housework can't be allowed to become my responsibility, or a reflection on me as a good/bad/adequate mum, when dh would find it highly amusing if anyone suggested that our mucky kitchen floor made him a Bad Dad. Apart from my own sanity, there's a lesson to be taught to ds, dd1 & dd2 - looking after our home is not Mumwork, it's a shared family responsibility.

RhondaJean · 27/10/2013 23:27

Yep raven I made that point about men upthread.

I bet they don't have forums where they are debating how their housekeeping skills affects their parenting ability Confused

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