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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that a dirty/messy house does not mean you're a "Great Mum"?

234 replies

trilogyofjuniper · 25/10/2013 11:45

Aaaaaagh! All those stupid slogans. "My floors are sticky and my kitchen is messy because I'm a great mum!", etc.

No, it's because you're a slob.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 25/10/2013 23:38

wordfactory - while I agree that time spent doing one thing is time not spent doing another, I do think that some domestic and parenting tasks are best done simultaneously. For example, I like to be at home while my DC are doing homework as experience tells me it gets done a lot faster and earlier than if no adult with authority is around. And it's also good to be to hand to answer questions, test verbs and poems and dates etc.

But that sort of supervision is better done at a slight distance and is entirely compatible with ironing, folding, prepping dinner and other light domestic tasks.

notanyanymore · 25/10/2013 23:45

I used to get so hung up on this it made the atmosphere so stressy. I think its partly because my parents house is insanely clean and I felt I had to emulate that, I also thought it showed I was 'coping' Hmm I had an epiphany one day that although our house was clean and we always had what we needed as kids and were expected to treat our home with respect, it was nothing like my parents house is NOW as they are in a completely different place re lifestyle and finances.
I have relaxed and am much happier now! (Especially on the odd day I do get to move all the furniture to hoover, wet wipe paintwork, hoover ceilings/couches/curtains/put shower curtain in a bleach bath... Ahh bliss!)
Learnt to love the chaos of a child's home now tho, as long as its clean underneath I love seeing their contribution to the household (I'm awful with regards to drawings on walls, furniture etc, I quite like them!)
So yeah, I do think I'm a better mum now for not stressing over it so much. So there! Wink

notanyanymore · 25/10/2013 23:51

bonsoir what are your experiences to make that judgement?
Yes sometimes people have problems they find it difficult to cope with and personal/home cleanliness and childcare suffer, but you can't seriously think people who perhaps don't have the same organisational skills as you, or different priorities or constraints on their time as you are not doing just as good a job at parenting as you, just in a different way. That would be terribly ignorant.

ballstoit · 26/10/2013 00:04

I don't care what state someone else's home is in, unless it puts their child at risk.

I value myself more than I value clean floors and windows. So, I do the basic level of cleaning necessary (clear and wipe down table, wash up and wipe down surfaces, squirt bleach in the loo and flick it about with the loo brush), I make sure my children have meals prepared from scratch, are clean, wear clean and ironed clothes, do their homework, have friends round to play, attend hobbies/clubs, visit their extended family and have one to one time with me.

I work full time to support my DC, 9-3 outside the home and a further 2 hours at home either before they get up or when they've gone to bed. Then at 10, when I finish work, I read a book, watch tv , maybe knit or sew or have a bath. If spending that spare hour scrubbing the kitchen floor, or cleaning the oven, would make me a better parent I'd be stunned tbh. I think a Mum who is sane (just!) and has a clear belief in her own worth is much more valuable to my DC than sparkling windows and gleaming, dust free bookshelves.

odyssey · 26/10/2013 00:07

I am pleased it doesn't count for me, as I am a MAM, not a mum lol

TaraKnowles · 26/10/2013 00:55

When my ds goes round to his friend's house the mum warns him straightaway, 'don't make a mess'. I think this is really poor. My flat is pretty clean, I have to tidy it to clean it so pretty clean and tidy, but if five year old boys want to play they can bring their toys out. I'd never tell a guest not to make a mess. I know it can be a grind to tidy up after other people. My ds' friend comes here more because they don't get told off for playing here.

TrinityFucker · 27/10/2013 10:10

I have higher domestic standards than my house looks like I do
I really do

Sad
fanjofarrow · 27/10/2013 10:30

As long as the state of the house isn't putting anybody at risk, what the hell does it matter? The state of someone else's house is none of my business, and vice versa.

BoffinMum · 27/10/2013 10:33

I am a great believer in 80% clean, 80% good parenting.

RhondaJean · 27/10/2013 10:33

I am amazed by the truly dirty things that some "obsessively clean" people do.

My bleurgh example is an older lady I know who is always going on about how clean she is and always cleaning her house. It does sparkle in fairness.

Then one day when I was visiting she was making soup and sweating (quite heavily and visibly) in the warm kitchen, and as she was wiping up the work surfaces she used the cloth to wipe her own brow then continued with the surfaces.

Appearance, people, is not all!

Arisbottle · 27/10/2013 10:36

Our home,which is full of sporty boys and girls and animals, with parents with two full on careers is mostly spotless. DH and I grew up in shit tip houses that were enbaressing when our friends came back. We both were permanently unable to find everything, mornings were stressful. When I go home to visit family , most of whom are untidy, I feel my stress levels rising. I suspect for both of us mess becomes associated with very painful childhood memories so we remove the mess and can block out the memory.

I am not giving to pretend that I am some kind of superwoman who can do everything and find it a breeze and whilst I am pregnant I am struggling and we have had to get some help. I do manage to work at least 12 hour days, usually longer, run a small holding, raise four children and a stepson and keep a very large house spotless because our family works as a team to keep it running. I do see that as family time, just as valuable as playing scrabbled going to the cinema. This morning my daughters and I cleaned out the horse and had a good chat and a bit of a laugh as we did so. We then went out for a ride together, all of that counts as family time to me, there is not one or the other.

I am not a superwoman but we are a " go go go" family, and I suspect we drive others mad. DH and I get up at 5 am on a weekday and 6am on the weekend to fit everything in and we rarely stop until we go to bed which is rarely before midnight. I admit that I do find it hard to understand when people just can't fit everything in which I admit says more about me an my intolerances than anyone else.

Arisbottle · 27/10/2013 10:39

ballstoit you can be same with high self esteem and have sparkling window and clean bookshelves. It takes a few minutes every now and again to clean the bookshelves. Infact this evening we are all going to have a clean and sort of the room where we keep games and books. Done as a team, it is not about valuing one person more or less than another.

Arisbottle · 27/10/2013 10:41

I also live audio books, can " read " something that does not require serous concentration and still get other things done.i often shovel shit whilst listening to a book.

BurnThisDiscoDown · 27/10/2013 12:51

My DH and I are not naturally tidy people, and now we have a 2 year old it's even harder. I've found, as someone mentioned upthread, that it's easier to do things as I go along than in one big tidy up when DS is in bed. I feel a lot happier to get up and find a clean and tidy kitchen than mess on the surfaces and washing up in the sink. I've been guilty of those sort of Facebook posts in the past though, and they stemmed from my insecurity and guilt that the house wasn't tidier. I'm not saying that's the case for everyone, but I hear enough smuggery about perfectly clean houses that it makes me feel self conscious about my imperfect one!

Theimpossiblegirl · 27/10/2013 13:32

Best comment of the thread:

It probably means you are a brilliant mumsnetter, though.
Grin

festered · 27/10/2013 16:25

They annoy me too, because I know many people who AREN'T great Mums' whose houses are a mess.
I've also known Mums whose children aren't allowed to play with certain things, have friends round, do certain activities etc 'Because it makes a mess'.That's not right either IMO.

There's a balance-being messy doesn't make you a great Mum and neither does being over tidy.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 27/10/2013 16:39

YY, impossible - I concur Grin

Some (most ?) of us are just doing more or less the best we can - most speculation on what would make the perfect mother is pretty pointless.

You just do it the way that you can really ?!

BoffinMum · 27/10/2013 17:12

If you can't have someone around for a cuppa without cleaning up and making space for them to sit down, it's probably too messy at home.

If you resent people coming around for a cuppa in case they mess things up, you've probably taken the cleaning thing too far.

If your kids can't make a cuppa willingly for other people, without leaving it reasonably tidy, then that's being a crap parent. IMO.

ringaringarosy · 27/10/2013 17:39

i think its slightly OTT to call someone a CRAP PARENT because their kids make a bit of a mess when making a cup of tea.ffs.

farrowandbawl · 27/10/2013 17:43

I think this whole subject and thread is a bit OTT.

BoffinMum · 27/10/2013 18:09

I mean ultimately upon them flying the nest you hope they can do a simple thing like that without turning the kitchen upside down IYSWIM.

ballstoit · 27/10/2013 21:48

No Aristotle, you can, but I can't. You may be able to get by on 5 hours sleep, I can't. You may enjoy listening to an audio book as much as reading a book, I don't.

I don't care if your bookshelves are dust free, and your windows gleam, any more than I care whether mine are.

I enjoy spending time with my children and occasionally we may cook, or tidy together, but mostly we don't. Because we enjoy playing board games, doing jigsaws, dancing, walking, visiting museums and galleries, reading, knitting, sewing, paintings, watching films. playing football and cricket...the list goes on.

I grew up in a spotless house. I have no recollection of doing anything with my Mum, other than tidying up.

I'm also a lone parent, which means that everything is down to me...paperwork, diy, gardening, car stuff, dropping/picking up from activities on top of the housework.

I'm not complaining about that, but I do resent people like yourself who have a partner to share the load that dusting my bookshelves will only take a couple of minutes.

If dust in MY house bothers YOU that much, please feel free to pay for a cleaner for me.

Arisbottle · 27/10/2013 22:11

I have not said your dust bothers me, I have said that I struggle to see why other people don"t things in. I then acknowledged that said more about me than anyone else.

I would prefer to read a book tbh, but I don't have time to do everything I want to do during term time .

Obviously it makes a difference if there are two if you, that goes without saying.

I do all of those things with my children too, apart from cricket - I fucking hate cricket.

ballstoit · 27/10/2013 22:22

Well, my congratulations to you.

The only way I could have an immaculate house would be to reduce the sleep I get, or never spend time doing things I enjoy. Either of those options would result in screwing up either my physical or mental health. So, I guess I'll carry on ignoring both the dust and other martyrs people's opinions.

Arisbottle · 27/10/2013 22:23

I am not a martyr DH has just roared at the idea of me being a martyr . I just need less sleep than others and I paid a bloody fortune for this house, I want to enjoy it.