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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think that a dirty/messy house does not mean you're a "Great Mum"?

234 replies

trilogyofjuniper · 25/10/2013 11:45

Aaaaaagh! All those stupid slogans. "My floors are sticky and my kitchen is messy because I'm a great mum!", etc.

No, it's because you're a slob.

OP posts:
2tiredtoScare · 25/10/2013 19:26

Exactly cardibach

EndoplasmicReticulum · 25/10/2013 19:27

my house is dirty/messy because I am a teacher. Nothing to do with being a mum.

trilogyofjuniper · 25/10/2013 19:30

You're a teacher so you have a messy house? Wtf??

OP posts:
BackforGood · 25/10/2013 19:34

Excellent posts by NotaGiraffe

Also Cardibach ^

As all the sensible most posters on here have said, how much housework you do does not correlate to how good you are at parenting. They are different things. Unless you go to the extreme of the people they find for progs such as hoarder, or the people with OCD who go to clean someone else's house (can't remember it's name) - where clearly obsessive cleaning is related to a mental health condition just as much as excessive hoarding and/or not cleaning at all, is, then we all mostly live with a level of tidiness / untidiness we can cope with. Absolutely nothing to do with how good your parenting skills are.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 25/10/2013 19:34

trilogy I have no time to clean the house because I am always at school or marking books. I have just returned from a five day school trip, husband has been in charge, house is not sparkling to be honest. However it is now half term, so house will get cleaned. It's OK in the holidays!

dietcokeandwine · 25/10/2013 19:38

To be honest though sometimes I think it is not so much about priorities and letting-other-things-slip to ensure tidiness, and more about the way you actually do them.

For example, when DH (messy) makes up a bottle of formula, he'll measure out the boiled water, add powder from the dispenser and shake to mix. He does this at the work surface, generally spilling flecks of formula powder and drops of water all over the place and getting stuff on the floor as well.

When I (tidy) make up a bottle of formula, I'll measure out the boiled water, add powder from the dispenser and shake to mix. But I'll do this over the sink, so any flecks of powder and drops of water fall into said sink and are easily washed away.

Now, each method takes the same amount of time, and the end result is the same (bottle made up safely, baby cuddled and fed). But my method involves no mess and DH's involves lots!

So by the same token I am not sure I agree that a spotless kitchen = no real cooking. Rather like Summerblaze and her toy-tidy room, if you walked into my kitchen tonight you might think I never cook a thing. In fact the DC had beef casserole (made from scratch, i.e. I chopped carrots, potatoes, butternut squash, diced the beef, used home-made stock because the baby can't have stock cubes yet etc) - but I tend to be quite tidy and wash-up-as-I-go along about it, so by the end of the meal the kitchen wasn't too hard to clear up.

Needless to say, had DH made said beef casserole, kitchen would look like a bomb site, peelings and wrappings and dirty utensils everywhere Grin

BackforGood · 25/10/2013 19:43

That's so true dietcoke - I thought very similar when someone upthread posted something about it being easy to keep your kitchen floor clean. Yup, it is on the days when I'm the only one in the house, but she's clearly never been in a kitchen after my ds has cooked the meal! Grin

wordfactory · 25/10/2013 20:08

diet that is true.

Some people naturally tidy as they go alongand theat reduces the amount of mess, for sure.

But there are still lots and lots of time consuming chores, however efficient one is. Food planning, shopping , prep, cooking, clearing up. Washing, drying, ironing, putting away. Cleaning loos, sinks, baths. Sweeping, mopping. Gardening. Waling dogs...

It's all incredibly time consuming.

And time consumed doing one thing, is time not spent doing soneting else. How this is controversial, I can't understand.

Summerblaze · 25/10/2013 20:09

Exactly dietcoke. I also clean up as I go along or make a mess and clean up straight after.

Thats just how I do it but its not how everyone works. Some people are clean, some aren't, some are tidy, some aren't. None of this has anything to do with how good a mum you are.

My house isn't the cleanest or the tidiest.

I used to have a smallish house and liked to keep it fairly clean and tidy. I now have a big house and I still like to keep it fairly clean and tidy and don't feel the need to spread my stuff out.

VisualiseAHorse · 25/10/2013 20:21

I cannot be a "great mum" unless my house is tidy. I cannot focus well if there are thing scattered everywhere. I do not have OCD about cleanliness, but I do like things to have their place. This does not mean that it is clean however, just tidy.

For example, my bathroom. Loo cleaned sometime last week, I run a wipe around the surfaces and taps every couple of days, full proper clean with spray and stuff maybe once a month. It is Tidy though - clean towels folded nicely, all bottles in the correct place, all bath toys in their toy storage thingy, loo roll on huge holder and bath mat hung up. It's about order, about everything having a place to live. I tend to tidy as I go, and certainly have a wee look around the bathroom as I'm sitting on the loo, to make sure everything is in the right place. Don't look too close though, or you'll see the ring of grime on the bathtub!!

ConsideringTheFuture · 25/10/2013 20:39

We do get out more and do more than most people I know. That's just how we choose to live, and the down side is that our house is less orderly.

Why are the two mutually exclusive though? We get out and do lots. We are a very active family. I too live in a house full of men and boys, boys who roll in the mud and get filthy.

But we're not out every second of every day. There are 'pottering' times - when the children are having lunch for instance and I can whiz the kitchen. I give the bathroom a wipe over when I'm supervising tooth brushing. I put clothes away or have a quick dust upstairs when they're in the bath or shove the Hoover around as they're dressing.

I don't spend hours cleaning every day. My house is lived in but it is clean, neat and has minimal clutter. The children know to put their shoes and coat in the correct places when they come in and when they undress they put their clothes in the laundry basket. If they use a cup or plate they put it in the sink.

It is possible to have a clean and tidy house whilst not spending hours on it. I can't say that cleaning or tidying has ever impacted on things I do with the kids or activities we do as a family.

silverten · 25/10/2013 21:00

The more I read the more I think that largely, the only difference between clean/messy folk is a bit of organisation and discipline. (Obv. some people have real problems at either end of the spectrum.) Some of this is down to habit, some down to motivation. Not a lot to do with whether you're lazy it not- like I said, the reason I have rules about shoes and tidying is because I want to minimise the amount of work done to achieve what I want. If you're cool with the general state of your house, giraffe, then provided it isn't a health hazard to your kids, I don't really have any place to have an opinion on the state of it.

I still see no reason why children can't muck in with this stuff- the faster the clearing up gets done, the more fun time for everyone. I think that you could make your life easier by stopping the mess-makers from creating more work for you.

Yermina · 25/10/2013 21:29

I admire mums who reign in their urge to do interesting things like reading and spend the time cleaning their kitchen floor instead.

My kitchen floor is unspeakable, but I've read 4 novels in the last 3 weeks and I'm struggling to feel bad about my poor cleaning standards.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 25/10/2013 21:34

But how is that relevant to the mothering question?

wordfactory · 25/10/2013 21:40

Ooh what did you read yermina?

RhondaJean · 25/10/2013 21:45

Yermina I think we could be friends!

I don't understand though why there are never a y links made in a y way to housekeeping and fathering abilities? Anyone care to enlighten me??

MissBetseyTrotwood · 25/10/2013 21:51

Here's what this DM does instead of cleaning while her baby is asleep!

I like this. Smile

(Sorry for the thread jack. As you were).

WallyBantersJunkBox · 25/10/2013 21:53

I can Rhonda - my DH is a SAHD.

trilogyofjuniper · 25/10/2013 21:56

You don't see many slogans along the lines of "my house smells and the oven's filthy because I'm a brilliant dad", which is why I haven't mentioned men.

OP posts:
ConsideringTheFuture · 25/10/2013 21:56

Wow that's amazing! Wish I was creative like that.

RhondaJean · 25/10/2013 22:00

Wally Grin

Trilogy, you don't see many posts about men worrying about the state of the house in general.

No one surely thinks a smelly house means a good parent (male or female). I just don't think a show home does either and it's not something I want to spend time striving for.

To paraphrase, I don't think many people think damn I wish I had spent more time hoovering on their death beds...

GobbolinoCat · 25/10/2013 22:04

I have to say I am loads tidier now than when I was younger, I do struggle though it does not come easily to me. I am not organised. We are more of a use everything then put it away the next day, clean every few days.

Our floors are not sticky, I hoover our main area rug probably a few times a day, in fact I leave the hoover out by it now.

We are on most days drowning in clothes every where and it amazes me when I do feel almost depressed if the house isn't looking tidy - er. I do not mean spotless I mean dusted on main areas, toys tidied, floor clean.

However I do notice that when DH is off and we go for lots of days out, and do more activities, I don't notice or twitch or care about the house, we are out living more.

The more I am in the house the more I care about it. I think this is what has happened to my MIL, she treats her house like a hallowed Church. She is part of it, its part of her.

I do not want to be like that.

I would prefer more dis order, better social life all with basic cleaning.

As an aside, the family members and people I have met who are obsessed with cleaning and do use it as a thing to be so proud of, and so disgusted of those who do not, are usually less cultured. thats just my observation

Grin.

silverten · 25/10/2013 22:11

Personally yermina I admire anyone who manages to maintain a basic level of cleanliness and read Proust more.

I've yet to see anyone here describe cleaning as 'interesting'.

notthefirstagainstthewall · 25/10/2013 23:22

Mmm well my friend is a great mum and her house is pretty clean and tidy. However she never washes her hands after being in the loo so she has wiped everything down with her mucky "given herself a quick wipe afterwards" hands.
What does that say...

Bonsoir · 25/10/2013 23:30

IME people with very low domestic standards don't have super high parenting standards.

People with a huge inner drive to take great care of their family tend to think that living in a clean and ordered home is part and parcel of that care.