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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off DP went to a strip club....

689 replies

NancyShrew · 25/10/2013 11:13

When I made it perfectly clear I'd be annoyed about it.

DP doesn't seem to find it an issue and I'm fuming. He wanted to go to a strip club to "see what it's like", I said I wasn't happy and we'd discuss it at a later date.

He went anyway on a works night out last night, but apparently it's fine because it wasn't an enjoyable experience.

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 25/10/2013 17:22

I don't think it's controlling to expect your partner not to have a private dance. The fact that it's private makes it intimate, and that is innapropriate for someone in a committed relationship.

There is nothing intimate about being in a bar where there's women wandering around wearing not very much, and I think it is a bit controlling to stop your partner going into a bar just because there will be strippers there.

ithaka · 25/10/2013 17:22

Creepy makes an excellent point. Whether other posters consider my view of this (as infidelity) to be extreme is beside the point. It is a view my DH shares, so we both know where we stand in relation to these things. DH would be appalled if I went to a male strip show (so would I!).

The OP's partner knew her views and disregarded them.

ilovebabytv · 25/10/2013 17:25

Equally the op knew her dp's views on this but seems quite happy to disregard them?

ShowOfBloodyStumps · 25/10/2013 17:27

It would be a deal breaker for me too and for myriad reasons most of which have been consistently and well explained on this thread. If dh could pay money into that industry, moreover treat a woman in such a disgusting fashion as to purchase her time and body for his own sexual gratification and to use our money in order to do so, I'd be unwilling to continue in the marriage.

And there is a big difference between films and strip clubs. One is real. The other isn't. If you don't understand the difference between the two, I can't begin to explain it to you. Being attracted to people and moved by their appearance is natural. Paying a person to aid your own sexual gratification is a choice.

ShowOfBloodyStumps · 25/10/2013 17:28

changewithweather, I'm so very sorry.

creepypenisreaper · 25/10/2013 17:31

changewithweather I'm really sorry this has happened to you and that you feel the way you do. Noone should ever try to talk you out of how you feel with argument or justifications as your personal beliefs are completely valid. I think you should try and see a relationship counsellor because it doesn't seem like you have any closure over the matter x

JoinYourPlayfuckers · 25/10/2013 17:33

Deal breaker for me too, for all the reasons Showof gave.

changewithweather · 25/10/2013 17:38

Creepy, I have tried that but it's not really got me anywhere. No amount of counselling is going to actually change what happened. I am just hoping that over time I think about it less and it becomes more of a distant yet painful memory.

The problem I have really is the extent of what happened. He paid for 3 separate dances. One was for an hour and the other 2 were 30 mins each. It's just too intense a betrayal to brush under the carpet. All fully naked. Just too much. I can only imagine the gruesome images that took place during ALL that time.

changewithweather · 25/10/2013 17:39

He may as well have had a one night stand I think. I don't really think that would have hurt me any more.

JoinYourPlayfuckers · 25/10/2013 17:40

He paid for 2 HOURS of sexual servicing?

Ugh

You know you would not have to spend the rest of your life trying not to think about what a horrible man he is if you just LTB

JoinYourPlayfuckers · 25/10/2013 17:41

A one night stand would be better.

At least that would be having consensual sex with a person who wanted to have sex with him.

changewithweather · 25/10/2013 17:42

I've got 2 children with him and another on the way. It's not that easy.

Grennie · 25/10/2013 17:48

Does he accept he was totally wrong change? Does he realise how much he has angered and upset you?

JoinYourPlayfuckers · 25/10/2013 17:48

Staying with him isn't going to be easy either.

If you can't get past this (and god knows, I couldn't either) then you are allowed to move on with your life and be happy.

He made the choices to buy those women's services (are you sure you have the truth about exactly what he did with them, BTW?).

You also get to make choices.

creepypenisreaper · 25/10/2013 17:52

Like Join has just mentioned, did you feel that you got the 100% full story? Because that is what you deserve. Do you feel that more went on than he is letting on and that is another factor in your distrust of him? You have the opportunity to teach your kids a great life lesson here. Regardless of what happens, if you did choose to move on then at least you can hold your head high and be a great role model.

changewithweather · 25/10/2013 17:54

There is no doubt in my mind that I would have left him were it not for the children.

I can only be as sure as I can be that no touching was involved. I wasn't there was I? He'd NEVER admit to anything further than the details I managed to drag out of him at the time. Who knows, tbh.

Not really sure I want to go back into all this to be honest. I'm in floods of tears about it all now and I don't want to be. Think I'm going to bow out now. Got nothing useful to say to OP, just sharing my experience.

Thanks for talking.

ChilledGhost · 25/10/2013 17:55

You made it clear you were not happy and yet he went anyway is terrible but in certain cases can be forgivable if he was egged on etc as us idiot men are very easily led after a few drinks and the whole bravado etc. He was a total idiot for having a dance though. How has he been? does he realise how much he's upset you?.

ChilledGhost · 25/10/2013 17:56

Good luck OP

skylerwhite · 25/10/2013 17:56

Hope you're ok, change. Be kind to yourself. Flowers

Original poster
NancyShrew · 25/10/2013 18:04

Thank you so much for all your advice. Nice to know I am definitely not BU.

I'm ready to get completely flamed and told I'm incredibly immature but I've left DP the following message attached to our fridge.

Dear DP,

Given that recent events have highlighted you have no objection to paying for sexual services I have decided now would be an appropriate time to present you with your invoice for mine. I am proposing a charge of £5 per time, a positive bargain compared to the £50 you spent on the sexual services of other women, since we have been together two years and have sex on average twice a week, I make that a total charge of £1,040.

In order to avoid any cash flow issues I have taken the payment in the form of a handbag, which I have put on your credit card. I have also taken the remaining 200 in cash from your card in order to pay for me and my sister to go and see the dreamboys live in VIP seats tonight.

Please note that rates for services will increase to £50 per time in line with the current market rates you have now made me aware of.

I trust the above will not be a problem given your obvious willingness to pay for such things.

I shouldn't bother waiting up for my return.

Kind regards,

Nancy"

I've also pinned a copy of the handbag receipt (£780) and his credit card to the letter.

Call me petty buy I'm raging!!!! Gone to my sisters for the night.

OP posts:
creepypenisreaper · 25/10/2013 18:06

Well, that made me chuckle.

Original poster
NancyShrew · 25/10/2013 18:08

change I really hope you're ok Thanks I know how you're feeling and feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 25/10/2013 18:08

Op for some it seems to be a deal breaker for others it's not. For me it wouldn't be. For you it might be,

Surely it is for you to decide, and you alone?

Original poster
NancyShrew · 25/10/2013 18:09

Just to clarify I'm not actually off out to see the dreamboys as I find the idea pretty repellent! I don't think it will hurt him to think I am though, let's see how he bloody likes it!

OP posts:
creepypenisreaper · 25/10/2013 18:12

Aw if you'd have gone you might have been able to pick up a keyring from the merchandise bit. It would have looked lovely on your new handbag.

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