Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be pissed off DP went to a strip club....

689 replies

NancyShrew · 25/10/2013 11:13

When I made it perfectly clear I'd be annoyed about it.

DP doesn't seem to find it an issue and I'm fuming. He wanted to go to a strip club to "see what it's like", I said I wasn't happy and we'd discuss it at a later date.

He went anyway on a works night out last night, but apparently it's fine because it wasn't an enjoyable experience.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerReporting · 26/10/2013 15:44

I agree More I think there is a "type" of man. They probably don't make themselves identifiable until there is a ring on the finger and perhaps a few kids on the scene though and it's harder to leave.

bodycolder · 26/10/2013 15:45

I don't think you can tell everything about someone before you marry them or indeed at any other time. Dp and I aren't married but together 22 years and we still find out things about each other all the time good and bad.

BasilFucker · 26/10/2013 15:50

Oh who cares if Sugar had a high old time looking down her nose at the "ugly whores" who weren't as good as her. Hmm

The OP isn't married to Sugar or any of the women who worked in the lapdancing club her DP went to - she's married to her DP. It's his motivations and values that are important to her right now.

YANBU and LOL at the extravagant handbag purchase.

I think there is probably a selection of very nice shoes that might tone nicely with it, no?

Grennie · 26/10/2013 15:52

Men who visit lap dancing clubs think they have a right to use women for sexual satisfaction. You can't walk down the street and tell by looking which man is a misogynist. But you can learn the kind of things misogynistic men say and do. For example, misogynistic men watch porn, they leer at attractive women, they may make negative comments if their female partner puts on weight.

Grennie · 26/10/2013 15:53

I am really uncomfortable at the idea that buying an expensive handbag makes everything okay. In fact it seems to show the root of his attitude towards women i.e. that a man has a right to buy them.

bodycolder · 26/10/2013 15:55

Agree grennie to placate yourself over something you consider so serious with a frivolous purchase from a joint account is playing along with the game

BasilFucker · 26/10/2013 16:00

Yes I think the handbag buying is funny, but it's not a long term solution to the problem of living with someone you can't respect, is it?

How do you feel about that OP. Are you going to let the dust settle a bit and then tackle this seriously?

AnyFuckerReporting · 26/10/2013 16:01

What makes me laugh is the hypocritical attitude men like this have towards women.

My Bil is a bit of a sleaze bag. He has been known to visit a strip club or two. Sil is "cool" with it, until she has had a few wines and it gets brought up again (read: she isn't "cool" at all). When I mentioned that the woman I spoke about before was pregnant he snorted, asked if she knew who the father was (yes, her long-term partner) and if he knew she used to be a stripper.

So there you have it, some women are good enough to fuck but not marry and raise a family with but it's also fine to hurt the women you do deem "worthy" by then running back to the lesser "dirty" women for a quick thrill that you aren't getting at home. Probably because you are messed up emotionally. It's all so convoluted and unhealthy.

Ev1lEdna · 26/10/2013 16:02

The handbag buying is amusing and makes her feel a little better but I hope it makes a real impact on him and doesn't turn into a tit-for-tat with him also retaliating and not getting how upset Nancy really is. I hope it does make a REAL impact on him and is accompanied by some discussion.

NancyShrew · 26/10/2013 16:03

To clarify, we aren't married and we do not have joint finances.

Silly maybe? But I'm trying shock tactics here.

OP posts:
TheArticFunky · 26/10/2013 16:05

Tell him that you are applying for a job as a lap-dancer. He can't object to that can he? After all it's just a bit of fun and you want to see what it's like .

Ev1lEdna · 26/10/2013 16:09

*To clarify, we aren't married and we do not have joint finances.

Silly maybe? But I'm trying shock tactics here.*

And I hope he gets it, your opinion should not have been dismissed. You also got a lovely handbag Smile

Jolleigh · 26/10/2013 16:24

OP - all the opinions on the industry aside, have you not put yourself in a bit of an awkward position by spending so much of his money without permission? You'd now be in a bit of a vulnerable position should you decide to leave him. What he did isn't illegal but you have technically done something illegal as you don't have joint finances and have charged a large sum to his credit card. Not quite sure if it's considered theft or credit card fraud, but if you did leave him and he decided to prosecute, you wouldn't really have a leg to stand on.

JoinYourPlayfuckers · 26/10/2013 17:05

"You ironically develop the most insanely strict morals too."

You think it is moral to call ugly women "whores"?

"I suppose because idiots who don't know that you're actually a very smart girl and want to belittle you because they hate the idea that their partner would pay to spend time with a dancer when they already have "you" at home, so they try and make you feel like a cheap tart, because it then makes them feel better."

But if a man is paying you to spend time with them, whether dancing or chatting, then you ARE a cheap tart, no?

I mean, that's what being a prostitute is - selling your body (and that's what they were buying) to a man for money so he can get some kind of sexual gratification and feel powerful.

So the people who thought you were a "cheap tart" were only wrong about the cheap bit. Not idiots, but right on the money.

Why is it wrong for women who don't accept payment for "clean" dancing to feel about you the way you feel about the dirty dancers?

It's exactly the same judgement for exactly the same reason.

Your views on this thread are incredibly hypocritical.

BasilFucker · 26/10/2013 17:10

Yeah, they're not strict morals, they're a social hierarchy.

Everywhere humans gather, they develop their own codes and their own status groups.

That's true of prison camps, offices, lapdancing clubs...

In that situation, the women who are aware of other women looking down on them, constructed a hierarchy to enable them to look down on a sub-group and then called it strict morals.

Happens all the time.

Lazysuzanne · 26/10/2013 17:33

Basil, yes I agree with your analysis, it's a way of bolstering your self esteem by including yourself in a group for which you then claim higher status.

In an area such as stripping/lapdancing/escort work people have to deal with a lot of social stigma, creating a hierarchy would be one mechanism to cope with that.
It allows a person to separate and then distance themself from aspects of the work which they see as more problematic or likely to attract disapproval.
So I understand why people like Sugar feel the need to divide the people she works with into different groups even so I found the way she denigrated the 'bad girls' particularly unpleasant.
Her arguments are mostly not very coherent.

Womban seems to take a less judgemental approach
''It all comes down to what you are willing to do for the money. Some girls regardless of their looks are ok with doing more than others, it is a choice however it is not what you HAVE to do it is what you choose to do. Personally if I had to be a dirty dancer to do well at this job then I wouldn't do the job at all, but that's my view my choice''

Darkesteyes · 26/10/2013 18:34

YY Grennie And some of those men you mention also shout out negative comments to women in the street that they dont even know, if they dont meet their idea of beauty.

Metalgoddess · 27/10/2013 07:15

He's paid money to get a sexual kick at the very least from another woman. That is most definitely cheating. If a woman from work took her clothes off for him, straddled and dry humped him making him hard it would be totally unacceptable without question. The fact he's paid for it is disgusting. I know men who have visited upmarket lapdancing clubs who say much more goes on and thr no touching rule is rubbish. My marriage would be over if this happened and my dh knows this.

ForwardSheCried · 27/10/2013 09:37

After reading this thread, I cheerfully informed my fella that if he ever visits one of these joints he's out the door on his arse. He looked at me in shock and said he wouldn't visit one anyway, because they're seedy places for creeps.

Writerwannabe83 · 27/10/2013 10:18

I'm with you metal - I don't understand women who think it isn't cheating because their partner is paying for it? The situation you gave of a woman from work being no different to what the stripper is doing is spot on. Just because the guy is indulging in such behaviour in a place that is designed for it, does not mean it isn't cheating!! I would never forgive or stay with my husband if I knew he'd had a private dance because in my eyes it is 100% cheating - it is indulging in a form of sexual behaviour with another woman. Just because money changes hands and the woman has a tile of 'stripper' does not make it any less of a betrayal.

Lazysuzanne · 27/10/2013 11:27

I

Lazysuzanne · 27/10/2013 11:30

I agree these places are sleazy but the men must realize they are, essentially, being 'rinsed' by the dancers.
Given that I'd imagine most men would be reluctant to admit going?

SugarHut · 27/10/2013 12:49

JoinYP.....Christ, you make me absolutely die. Can you read? Because the fact I've already addressed everything you keep incorrectly harping on about makes me wonder if you can see the rest of the thread. You sound very well informed. Thank you for making me laugh.

Drop Your Sword...you are spot on. And excellent examples of where genuine insight and fact from me is then twisted by another poster and then they insist that's what I said in the first place. Nice to see how obvious this is to you too. There's a lot of selective reading going on here :)

There's a distinction between fact and opinion. Not that this should need pointing out. All this, oh these are just your opinions...is rubbish. These are factual experiences that unless you have worked for extended periods of time as a dancer, no amount of "interviews" or "research" will even come close too.

My opinion is that guys that use strip clubs are mugs. It is fact that I (yes I...not every dancer in the land, ME) did not ever meet a woman that did not want to be working there. And over the years, I worked with hundreds.

Writer...re security, that's a bit of a strange one. Firstly, it's not a bunch of grizzly bears who haul men out and beat them up if they upset the dancers, as so many think. Don't get me wrong, security are hugely protective of the girls. But they get tipped at the end of the night by the girls, so they basically see what they want too. If they know a girl is a dirty dancer, but they know if they keep quiet she'll tip them £50 at the end of the night, then they ignore what they see her doing.

There's a lot of misinterpretation about this "strict morals" business, so perhaps I didn't put it in the right context. This is one of the ways being a former dancer has affected me, but I think in a good way. Womban got what was I was saying immediately, if you look back, she says she became very prudish too.... What I found is that close contact and nudity had very little value to me. I had the same routine for every dance, the music started, I'd go through the same routine, done. Like cinema, they paid the money, sat there, watched the show. You don't even notice you're naked, when you've done that same routine, with the same facial expressions, the same flicks of the hair, thousands of times. There's nothing personal, it's just another customer, and three minutes later, you're done with them. When I met my DP, I was very aware of every time he touched me. We dated and saw each other nearly every day for 3 months before I slept with him. Non dancer friends would laugh at how I could get naked and put on a show for a customer but would act in such the opposite manner in my personal life. It's like because any guy could come in the club and pay to see me. Sometimes they'd pay thousands. So for someone I liked in my personal life to touch me became a huge deal for me. Having even a cuddle is something I'm very protective of. I'm still like this now. I'm really not explaining this very well, but all of my dancer friends are the same. We are very loyal to our men, most of us have jealousy issues (I can deal with these so they are not problematic, but boy, they are still there), as for being tarts, it's quite the opposite. Again, I speak about clean dancers, I know the dirty dancers would often go home with customers, and frequently have one night stands.

Pigsmummy · 27/10/2013 12:50

I once ended up in a lapdancing club with my work colleagues, I think that they had forgotten that I was a woman and when they said "lets go to secrets/can't remember name I just thought it was another bar?! Anyhow at the time I thought that if all the establishments were like that one I would have no objection to DP going. However they are not all like that and if you said that you wouldn't be happy him going then he needs to apologise and next time bow out.

Writerwannabe83 · 27/10/2013 13:00

That's really interesting about the security and the 'bouncers' seeing what they want to see dependent on whether they want tips at the end of the night. It amazes me how corrupt the world can be when people are looking out for themselves Smile

And I agree with you about the men who go to such clubs being mugs - I think it sums them up better than being described as exploiters Smile