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Original poster

To be pissed off DP went to a strip club....

689 replies

NancyShrew · 25/10/2013 11:13

When I made it perfectly clear I'd be annoyed about it.

DP doesn't seem to find it an issue and I'm fuming. He wanted to go to a strip club to "see what it's like", I said I wasn't happy and we'd discuss it at a later date.

He went anyway on a works night out last night, but apparently it's fine because it wasn't an enjoyable experience.

OP posts:
Original poster
NancyShrew · 26/10/2013 14:09

I disagree, I don't think the men are being exploited whatsoever, my DP certainly wasn't bloody exploited, he knew exactly what he was doing, he certainly wasn't coerced into doing it or only doing it because he desperately needed the money as I'm sure some of the girls are!

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 26/10/2013 14:10

Ok, well if not a 'sexual need' then it is a sexual desire/fantasy of some sort. Why else would the men pay for such a service if it wasn't for some kind of purpose?

Original poster
NancyShrew · 26/10/2013 14:12

My point is, when a man walks into a strip club he does not know which of the dancers are happy to be there. They're hardly going to tell him they hate it and are miserable are they Hmm. But men should know there is a high chance of those girls working in clubs and they won't be able to pick them out!

OP posts:
Grennie · 26/10/2013 14:13

Because they choose to pay for it. Because they think they have a right to buy women to meet their sexual desires. They are not being exploited.

Original poster
NancyShrew · 26/10/2013 14:14

The men are using the women to fulfil some sexual need

And you think this is ok???

There is so much wrong with the above statement.

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 26/10/2013 14:15

Exploitation isn't about coercion though. Exploitation is about somebody/something being used for some kind of gain. One person purposefully using another for their own selfish reasons. The women are using the men for their own financial gain.

Writerwannabe83 · 26/10/2013 14:15

Of course I don't think it is ok Nancy, I am 100% on your side!!!

SugarHut · 26/10/2013 14:16

Grennie...

There were £20 dances available. I would walk off from someone who asked for a £20 dance, they 99% weren't going to spend any more than that. I was there to earn. Not getting stuck with 3 guys who would each do £20 meant I didn't miss the next guy who'd spend £500.

I'm not so sure I got power from lap dancing. Or indeed I gained anything of much use from doing it. But it was a fantastic job, and I have not lost anything from doing it either. The girls there I will be friends with to the grave. If I had a great Saturday, I'd take the whole of the following week off, and it gave me a lot of free time. I suppose it made me very strict on myself for keeping in shape and immaculately turned out. Maybe a little obsessed, but the modelling makes you more like that than dancing. I never touched drugs, but probably drank more than I should. I'm not sure empowered is the right word for how I felt. But never, ever, EVER, was I, or did I feel exploited. I adored my job, and I definitely became a lot more confident. If I had my time again, I would definitely do the dancing again.

I like this thread, I hadn't thought about my dancing for ages, thinking back through a lot of good memories :)

killpeppa · 26/10/2013 14:16

I'd be fuming too.

Womban · 26/10/2013 14:18

Flame me if you wish....I ready for it Wink

Sugarhut is correct in what she has said....I am currently a dancer and it is true that there are clean dancers and dirty dancers. In my experience in the matter however the division in not based on looks alone. Where I work there are some beautiful dirty dancers and some less attractive clean dancers. It all comes down to what you are willing to do for the money. Some girls regardless of their looks are ok with doing more than others, it is a choice however it is not what you HAVE to do it is what you choose to do. Personally if I had to be a dirty dancer to do well at this job then I wouldn't do the job at all, but that's my view my choice. I have also found as sugarhut mentioned that my boundaries are a lot stricter than before and I am far more self aware and if anything I have become more prudish than open minded...but maybe that's just me.

I'd just like to point out that being a dancer does not mean that you are automatically degrading yourself, or that you respect yourself any less than anyone else. I am by certainly by no means vulnerable, deprived, have a drink or drug problem. I am a well educated woman, I have a lovely family and a great relationship. I do not dance out of desperation, though I don't doubt the fact that there are those that do.

Nancy

I used to have a pretty relaxed view on strip clubs and wouldn't have had a problem with a partner going into one on a stag do etc though even back then I wouldn't have been happy if he had a private dance. Now that I have worked in the industry I would go absolutely spare if my DH had a private dance simply because I know what can go on. I am not suggesting that is what has happened and I think the point here is less about what went on in the club and more about him doing it regardless of your feelings.

I would not shout LTB yet as I doubt highly that he has been unfaithful in the Penis in Vagina sense, but at the very least he has shaken your trust, made you feel insecure and caused you to question your relationship. I would be making myself clear since the mystery of lap dancing is no longer for him, that should he ever wish to visit such and establishment again for private dances that he can expect to have his ass booted out the door without a second though. That's my opinion though, you do what feels right for you.

I HTH and I wish you all the best Nancy

Grennie · 26/10/2013 14:19

Thanks Sugar for acknowledging lap dancing is not empowering. So you did it for the money. And you earned far more than the average lap dancer.

Since you are no longer doing it, you may not know that the prices for lap dances have actually fallen and in many places, although not all, the house fees have increased. You may have earned less if you were doing it now.

harticus · 26/10/2013 14:22

My old flatmate worked as a hostess in a "gentleman's club" in London and earned a fortune.
All of the lapdancers were ex-prostitutes who saw it as a step up from their former occupation. They were some of the funniest, brightest women I have ever met - but they were always honest about their job. Not one of them tried to infer that "dancing" had any integrity or was some kind of art form.

It is professional prick teasing. Albeit well paid prick teasing.
But there is more to life than money.
And my friend walked away from that life experience with a very fucked up view of men.

SugarHut · 26/10/2013 14:28

I love the blinkered stereotyping on here. "Oh you just can't tell which of the girls are happy to be there, and which hate it and are miserable"

You'll refuse to believe this, but there are virtually NO dancers who are there and hate it. I can certainly say on my DC's life that I have never encountered a girl that did not want to be there. So please don't dare to question that statement. And because of the bullcrap in the press surrounding the industry, so many people believe this. Huge myth that we're there to get ourselves back on track financially as well.

I'm afraid OP, that whilst I am definitely with you in that you are well within your rights to be pissed off at DH (for reasons I've already said) it's quite clear you'd already decided what lap dancing was all about, from the utter bollocks that feminist journalists churn out from time to time, before you even started this thread. And despite me who worked in that exact role for years and years, telling you exactly how it all operates, you still wedge your fingers in your ears and bleat on regardless. You don't want to listen, of course that's fine, that's at your discretion. But don't be silly and try and dictate how it is to someone who lived and breathed that lifestyle :)

SugarHut · 26/10/2013 14:32

"All of the lap dancers were ex prostitutes"

Actually killing myself laughing at this.....

Well done dear, well done.

Womban howdy :) Have you donned your flame retardant sparkly thong? I have :)

Womban · 26/10/2013 14:36

Howdy Sugarhut Smile Flame retardant thong in place already ya know ...just in case its needed Wink

Original poster
NancyShrew · 26/10/2013 14:36

sugar

How many clubs have you worked at? I'm assuming you haven't worked at all of them in the UK?

You can only speak from your own experience.

OP posts:
harticus · 26/10/2013 14:37

But they were all ex hookers Sugarhut ... and I can tell you I had some of the best times of my life getting pissed after hours with them when they recounted stories of the pervs they had known over the years.

You can ONLY speak for yourself and your own experience Sugarhut - don't undermine your argument by being dismissive of other people's life experiences.

SugarHut · 26/10/2013 14:37

Whereas you speak from none.

HTH

SugarHut · 26/10/2013 14:37

Whereas you speak from none.

HTH

DropYourSword · 26/10/2013 14:38

Once again on mumsnet, someone like sugarhut comes along and doesn't tow the party line, and is therefore ripped apart by the wolves.

harticus · 26/10/2013 14:40

Toe the party line not TOW.

skylerwhite · 26/10/2013 14:40

How is Sugar being ripped apart? Confused

Original poster
NancyShrew · 26/10/2013 14:42

Sugar there is really no need to be rude.

I don't think it's silly to consider the opinions of other girls who've worked in the industry?

OP posts:
DropYourSword · 26/10/2013 14:47

I'm sorry that my typing skills upset you harticus. I never professed to be perfect.

And yes skyler, I do see that her she IS being ripped apart. For example, she never claimed to speak for EVERY strip club worker, but she described HER experiences. And people have come on here and then twisted her words, questioned her tax paying, and told her that her own opinion about her OWN expertise is incorrect.

skylerwhite · 26/10/2013 14:48

please don't dare to question that statement

Sorry, Sugar, debate/discussion doesn't work like that. You don't get to dictate what others can or can't discuss.