Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow swimsuit stealing MIL to just 'drop in'

280 replies

fairy1303 · 25/10/2013 10:19

Posted many times about MIL.

DSD lives with us full time and MIl very VERy OTT with her/us - she used to be at our house nearly everyday, would take washing home, without permission, took her swimsuit home, is just generally a nightmare.

She recently kicked me out of her car in the rain, told me I was a rude bitch and tried to drive off with DS.

Now, in the interests of civility we have been rubbing along ok, but we have barely seen each other.

DSD had a plastic dressing table thing. We bought her a new grown up one and are passing on the small one to her cousin.

It comes with various accessories, hair brush, pretend perfume bottle etc.
MIL has taken the dressing table to her house as she is seeing the cousin next week before we do.

She has left the lid (small, plastic) of one of the 'perfume bottles' here. She has described where it is. I am seeing her tonight.

She wants to 'pop over' on Tuesday to find it herself. I have suggested I just give it to her tonight when we see her. She is not happy with this, wants to come on Tuesday. I have explained that I have a friend over on tues, may be in and out, is not convenient. She wants me to leave a key out for her and feels I am being completely unreasonable.

Am I? I can't see it anymore as I am too embroiled!

Well done if you have waded through the tedium and got this far!

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 25/10/2013 17:14

Why would she want it Tuesday when she could have it tonight!

Because she wants to get back in the OP's house!

fairy1303 stop engaging with her!

YouTheCat · 25/10/2013 17:21

But Nanny, she's bloody hidden it!

2rebecca · 25/10/2013 17:27

I think your approach is right. Firm and not rising to her nonsense. You don't have to tell her who your friend is, it's none of her business. If it isn't convenient for her to come round then just saying that should be enough. If it isn't enough that's her problem, you don't need to discuss the issue with her further. I'm not sure why you let MIL take the dressing table away as I thought you were keeping her out of the house if she's unsupervised. If she can't tell you where the lid is then tough the lid stays lost.
I couldn't be bothered playing games with her and probably would have told her to grow up and stop playing silly games, and that this sort of nonsense just makes me want to keep her away from the house as she can't be sensible and is over intrusive.
I wouldn't have her in the house at all at the moment.
I agree stop engaging with her, and stop feeling the need to give her reasons as to why she can't come. "it's not convenient" repeated is enough. Slurs of adultery would make me refuse to speak to her or have her in the house at all. Let your husband take his daughter to visit grannie.

RobotLover68 · 25/10/2013 17:33

OK - tell her you found it and have popped it in the post

IF she has it her house she can either say "but how can that be, I have it here!" Gotcha MIL!

Or she'll keep quiet - then blame Royal Mail for it not arriving - either way, no need for her to come Tuesday

IslaValargeone · 25/10/2013 17:39

How you haven't buried her under the patio yet I don't know.
I too agree with securing the attachment between you and dsd. I think between her mum being a bit iffy iirc and her gran being completely bonkers she needs to be focused on someone 'normal' for want of a better word.
I worry about you being undermined at every turn.

AgathaF · 25/10/2013 17:39

This would send me into such a fury. I agree with 2rebecca that I would have to tell her to stop with the stupid games and innuendo as they were just creating ever bigger problems between you.

She can't possible know where it is unless she has hidden it as she can't know that your DSD wouldn't have moved it in the meantime.

You have patience by the bucket load.

clam · 25/10/2013 17:45

She is SO thick-skinned that the time has now come for very clear, very blunt straight-talking.
You: Dh and I do not want anyone, ANYONE, in our house when we are not there.
Mil: Yes but.... blah-di-blah
You: I'm afraid that doesn't work for us. We do not want anyone, ANYONE, in our house when we are not there.
Repeat to fade...

And it's not a case of "can't" tell you where it is, but "won't." And, as others have said, this is a plastic lid off a second hand toy. It's an issue because.....?

Howlsmovingcastle · 25/10/2013 17:56

I'm afraid you may have to resort to 'I. Said. NO', op. She will deserve it!

NomDeOrdinateur · 25/10/2013 18:04

Howls - Don't forget, it only works in a very deep, growly, Terry Wogan voice... Wink

OP - I feel so sorry for you, my MIL is a bloody nightmare too (but for different reasons). The only thing that has helped us is completely disengaging from these kinds of petty little power struggles and ensuring that all contact is on our terms. It's very sad that things have to be this way, but DH is much happier now and so am I.

Would your DH support you all withdrawing a bit, and all contact happening via him? (The infidelity accusation should show him how ridiculous it is to expect you to tolerate her manipulation, even if nothing else has...)

Strumpetron · 25/10/2013 18:11

Tell her to fuck off.

Just those words: 'fuck off'.

Strumpetron · 25/10/2013 18:12

And your DH needs to get MORE involved. Why the hell should you put up with all of this when it's his bloody mum.

SauvignonBlanche · 25/10/2013 18:32

If she knows 'exactly' where it is why doesn't she she just bloody tell you? Hmm

clam · 25/10/2013 18:57

Sauvignon well that's the massive flaw in the whole argument. She wants to come over, so that she can get upstairs to that little girl's room and give it a through cleaning, as she feels the OP doesn't look after her properly.

YouTheCat · 25/10/2013 19:11

Your dh should be facilitating the relationship with his dd and his crazy mother.

Tell him it is now up to him. You really don't have to have anything to do with her.

clam · 25/10/2013 19:16

As long as he can be relied upon to stick to the "she doesn't enter our house when we're not here and she NEVER goes upstairs to dsd's bedroom" line.

SauvignonBlanche · 25/10/2013 19:19

She's probably planning on copying the key!

YouTheCat · 25/10/2013 19:20

Why can't the dh just take his dd to his mother's? Then there'd be no need for the old bat to set foot in Fairy's house ever again.

MidniteScribbler · 25/10/2013 19:24

She has text me saying she is suspicious as to why I am so adamant that I don't want her to come when my friend is there. Is there a reason why my visitor had to remain secret? Because she has a duty to let DH know if she suspects I am having a man round. Or perhaps I am embarrassed of her?

Reply with "Of course it's a man. I have to pay the bills somehow."

foslady · 25/10/2013 19:24

I bet a pound to a penny the lid is in her coat pocket................

Flicktheswitch · 25/10/2013 19:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlpacaPicnic · 25/10/2013 19:42

Now see, this is why I won't let my PIL have a key anymore. We gave them one once, while we were on a long holiday, asking them to pop round a couple of times a week just to check the place was still standing etc...

They came round twice a day, opening and closing different sets of curtains, switching on and off different sets of lights, pissing about with the post organising it into piles and probably steaming open anything that looked interesting

But made far too much of a point that they hadn't been 'snooping round' I mean, why would you say that?

NotYoMomma · 25/10/2013 20:02

what has dh said about her text?

tell her she either tells you or she doesnt get it at all and to stop playing games.

get dh to ask

Jux · 25/10/2013 21:17

Oh this woman is a complete nutter. I remember at least one of your other threads about her. I don't know how you manage to be so civil to her, I really don't. Hats off to you.

Patchouli · 25/10/2013 21:29

"Have said this is exactly why it isn't a good idea for her to sort through DSDS room - if her parents can't find stuff it is unhelpful."

I'm glad you sad that. It's a great point.
She surely can't argue with that.

nennypops · 25/10/2013 21:36

The trouble is, if you can't find the lid she's going to roll up on Tuesday anyway. I suggest you go out or take the battery out of the doorbell, and switch off your phone.

That, or have the lesbian party of course.