To not allow swimsuit stealing MIL to just 'drop in'

[fairy1303]

Posted many times about MIL.

DSD lives with us full time and MIl very VERy OTT with her/us - she used to be at our house nearly everyday, would take washing home, without permission, took her swimsuit home, is just generally a nightmare.

She recently kicked me out of her car in the rain, told me I was a rude bitch and tried to drive off with DS.

Now, in the interests of civility we have been rubbing along ok, but we have barely seen each other.

DSD had a plastic dressing table thing. We bought her a new grown up one and are passing on the small one to her cousin.

It comes with various accessories, hair brush, pretend perfume bottle etc.
MIL has taken the dressing table to her house as she is seeing the cousin next week before we do.

She has left the lid (small, plastic) of one of the 'perfume bottles' here. She has described where it is. I am seeing her tonight.

She wants to 'pop over' on Tuesday to find it herself. I have suggested I just give it to her tonight when we see her. She is not happy with this, wants to come on Tuesday. I have explained that I have a friend over on tues, may be in and out, is not convenient. She wants me to leave a key out for her and feels I am being completely unreasonable.

Am I? I can't see it anymore as I am too embroiled!

Well done if you have waded through the tedium and got this far!

Why don't you ask why if she knows where it is why can't she tell you. Ask her outright if it is just an excuse to check up on you and control you and say you thought she was being an adult and stopping all these childish games.

I know it would be healthier to be honest about not giving her a key or leaving one out because you simply don't want to. But you could tell her that your house insurance requires occupiers to have the only keys to the property. ( certainly you could say it forbids keys under mats or plant pots).

Ha! She set this one up good and proper, didn't she, just so she had an excuse to get the key back.

Stay strong! Keep saying No, as you are currently doing! She can't break into your house, the only way she can get in is with a key, so don't let her have one!

I like the lesbian friend idea. But I am disgusted that she automatically jumped to the conclusion that you a) had a male friend coming around and b) that your DH didn't know about it. I wouldn't even joke about this shit to her, she'll take it as gospel, spread it around, next thing you know your DSD will be asking some awkward questions, or will start behaving oddly around you or your friends.

Keep all information traffic with this woman to a bare minimum. I do understand that you want to keep your DSD's involvement with her granny, but please do be aware that she IS a toxic woman and WILL try to poison not only DSD but your own DC against you. Think very carefully about who benefits from her continued involvement with your DC - and if it is NOT your DC, then strongly consider curtailing it. It's not fair on them either to be put in a position where they have to listen to dripfed poison about their own mother. :(

Another idea might be to say "You can come round on Tuesday at x time to collect the lid - I will expect you to show me exactly where it is as we have searched high and low for it" - so she has no choice but to reveal her cunning hideyhole. Don't allow her in the house/bedroom under any other condition.

I bets she already has the lid.

*bet

To be honest I'm not going to discuss it anymore. It is a bloody plastic lid fgs! The thing is, when I say all this to her, she just shrugs it off, literally doesn't phase her - she is so thick skinned, so trying to explain is just pointless.

To those wondering why DH isn't involved - he has been great with these issues up until now but he has had this all his life - and had serious difficulties when DSD was small and he was in her hands and so he is really wary of removing the pin from the mummy hand grenade so tends to stay out of it unless she is actively rude.

Well, as DH understands her I'd just be blunt and not bother trying to keep the peace. Just tell her how it is! (that being said I'm pathetic and would just gripe on here)

I know that your step daughter has a bond, but perhaps your husband might need to think about the damage being done & reduce contact/not let her be alone with MIL?

I may actually write a book about this shit though - it seems a crime to deprive the world of her antics - even when she is being pleasant she is hilarious - drinking DSs formula, organising crayons into colour ascending order, freaking out about the whereabouts of odd socks - if she wasn't such a Fucking nightmare she'd be a hoot!

She is really relentless isn't she? I think you did very well with that text and sadly you are just going to have to carry on being firm with her. She doesn't have her priorities straight and if you want to keep her and DSD's relationship going then sadly it seems you are going to have to police it.

Whatever you do, don't let her in again!

She sounds like she has other problems tbh
I assume obsessing over odd socks is nothing to do with getting at you

I haven't read all the replies but it seems to me OP like she is up to something - but I may be a crazy paranoid nut because I too have an awful MIL.

But she is actively rude: to you. That is his business.

Tell her you found it. Hurrah! You'll give it to DSD yourself when you see her next.

Byeee!

"She recently kicked me out of her car in the rain, told me I was a rude bitch and tried to drive off with DS."

And you didn't call the police? you haven't disowned her, because?

have you considered internal door locks or at least those stick on things that scream when a door is opened? suspect she will find a way of getting a key at some point when you don't know.

Yes fairy, as much as I'd love you to keep poking this hornets nest for the sheer entertainment factor, its probably best to transcend this petty game playing by mil. I guess as long as you are the 'gatekeeper' to DSS she will fight you.

And just to echo everyone else, don't give her a key!!!!

Fairy You must write a book! Or a blog about MIL.
I need lessons on how to grow a thicker skin, you can send your MIL my way if you like.

You know - i was thinking earlier i bet the lid isn't even in the room. Why can't she tell you where it is if it's there? It's not there. (or it's somewhere so utterly ridiculous, like on top of a door frame, that if she told you where it was it would be obvious that she set the situation up).

She has the hide of a rhino OP, and the bare faced cheek of ... some other animal i can't think of, lol. The point is you can still facilitate the relationship with your DSD and her, but must not engaging with her in any of your or your DH's own business. You'll have to be sneaky, blunt, and prepared to expect the worst of her in any given situation. ie: think to yourself: ''If i let MIL pass this toy on, she'll find a way to cause grief; therefore i either deliver it myself, get DH to take it to the cousin, or give the toy to charity''.

Please don't involve her with anything else. DSD can see Gran at Grans house when she wants to. You can take her, and pick her up later. No negotiations, no complications. Gran can see DSD swim - then go back home again. No negotiations, no complications.

Soon DSD will be old enough to make her own arrangements to go and see Gran (if she wants to that badly).

I'd just remind you of the wise poster on your last thread who said that your DSD needs to form her primary attachment to you. Keeping MIL at arms length for a while is actually helping your DSD become secure in her new situation. It's OK for her to be fond of MIL but she needs to know you are her mum.

I suspect when DSD is a bit bigger she will be busy being a teen and therefore both you and MIL will be boring. Obvs MIL will think this is your fault!

BTW I think you are fab

Why would she want it Tuesday when she could have it tonight!