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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have cut off from my inlaws after they did this to me

154 replies

sherazade · 21/10/2013 20:38

We had booked a week away during half term to see my in laws who live abroad. I checked before booking that this was convenient for them, and in fact they had instigated it and suggested we come so they could spend some time with the grandchildren. This was booked months ago and cost 2 thousand pounds.

Recently a relative (FIL'S brother) who they have hardly kept touch with passed away from cancer. (sil as never met him, mil met him once, , fil hadn't seen him for 17 years then flew abroad to be with him on his deathbed and saw him pass away). I get a text the day after form sil saying 'cancel your flight as its inappropriate for you to come whilst our house is in mourning'. I replied that the tickets were non refundable to which she responded 'nothing i can do'. I replied that in times of grief family should be together, she responded ' we are his family and we are with him'. I then send several messages pleading/reasoning/tring to make sense of the situation, I even said we'd stay out of the way if needed, help around the house etc, she ignored all my messages and the next day sent 'i have nothing to say to you'. I then replied 'please don't contact me or my children again as you've not had the decency or manners to explain yourself'. I was pretty furious as the flight is 4 days away.

DH is away working and has limited access to phones and no internet, he gets a 5 min call a day in which I had to explain to him that his family were basically telling us not to come and tough luck about the wasted tickets. He said 'just leave things as they are and i'll deal with it when I come back, we'll have to cancel as I can't have you going where you're not welcome'. He sounded dissapointed.

So was I right to have cut ties with them or should I have waited it out?
We've never previously ever had problems, I know sil and mil can be vindictive but they have never been so to me prior to this.

OP posts:
Original poster
sherazade · 21/10/2013 20:40

and to add, i've lost all the money and the kids are gutted and confused.

OP posts:
ElbowPrincess · 21/10/2013 20:40

It was probably a bit quick to cut them out like that, maybe best to have slept on it, but to be honest I would have done the same!

ElbowPrincess · 21/10/2013 20:40

Could you book a hotel in their hometown? Go, have a great holiday & stay out of their way?

TigOldBitties · 21/10/2013 20:41

I don't think you should have made a comment which implied you not having contact with them without talking to your DH first.

LindyHemming · 21/10/2013 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LEMisdisappointed · 21/10/2013 20:43

Sorry, YABU

anon2013 · 21/10/2013 20:43

YANBU what horrible people. I'd expect the money back at least. What's DH said/done?

Squitten · 21/10/2013 20:43

Well it's not just your decision to make is it? Probably would have been better to let your DH deal with it.

Can't you just go and stay somewhere else and have the holiday?

Original poster
sherazade · 21/10/2013 20:43

Tigoldbittes, I suspect you are right, I was stewing over it and fuming because I couldn contact DH and discuss it with him, he is in a remote area with limited access to a satellite fone and cannot recieve calls, has no mobile with him etc. I don't know when he will next call or how long the call will be, I waited a day (which felt like a lifetime).

OP posts:
yoniwherethesundontshine · 21/10/2013 20:44

I would second still going and just avoiding them.

It sounds bizzare even by bizzare mil stories.

I wonder if FIL has actually gone a bit doo lally, when they start to loose siblings as get older can affect them....

Perhaps he is a lasped alcholic etc?

Original poster
sherazade · 21/10/2013 20:45

Yes I do have insurance. It doesn't cover emotional issues it covers health or flight issues etc. Lemisdissapointed, could you elaborate?

OP posts:
volvocowgirl · 21/10/2013 20:46

I don't think you're being unreasonable to them by threatening to cut ties, but I think you should have spoken to your other half first.

However I do think it's unreasonable to not use the tickets and go get a hotel as it's such a huge waste! Go anyway - stay in a hotel.

Original poster
sherazade · 21/10/2013 20:46

Squitten, dh is working 16 hour shifts in the middle of the north sea, with very restricted access to a phone or computer. He can't make a phonecall to them in their country of residence.

OP posts:
Annonynon · 21/10/2013 20:48

YANBU

and I think it was fine to cut them out without discussing it with your DH, you having nothing more to do with them is your own decision and he's free to make his own about how he wants to handle it

Horrible situation for all of you though

headlesslambrini · 21/10/2013 20:49

go and book into a hotel. Make no contact with them whilst you are there.

LindyHemming · 21/10/2013 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PansOnFire · 21/10/2013 20:50

This is very odd, it sounds like your MIL wasn't overly keen on you visiting in the first place. Considering the circumstances I think your MIL has behaved terribly, obviously they are in mourning despite not seeing FIL For a long time and it sounds like this is a bit of an issue which they need to deal with. But to cancel so quickly and to be so quick to dismiss you makes me think there is something more.

YANBU, I'd just not contact them again.

ConfusedPixie · 21/10/2013 20:50

Go anyway and find a hotel as others have said. Unless there is a reason why it'd be difficult for you to go without people you know there?

yoniwherethesundontshine · 21/10/2013 20:51

I don't think you were being uR either, its all heat of the moment isnt it, if you want it to be undone you can.

I do not know how else they expected you to react really seeing as they have been so rude, there was really no where else for you to go.

I do wonder though if something else isn't going on, FIL has decided to leave them, has cancer himself....

I am sure it will all be worked out in good time. In the mean time, go and avoid.

happyoverhere · 21/10/2013 20:52

YABU to cancel the flights and with your attitude
Go on holiday anyway, book a hotel and then pop in and give your sympathy to your in-laws whilst you are there.

looseleaf · 21/10/2013 20:52

YABU. Hope your DH isn't upset and in the circumstances of a bereavement I would always be sensitive and not assume you know how upset they are (eg not seeing the brother may leave more complicated feelings of loss ?)
They've handled it oddly by not being sensitive to you either but I'd just have been a bit more cautious to tread carefully round them or let DH handle it as his family.
Hope it all works out ok though and that you can still go even if see them less/ not at all

NotYoMomma · 21/10/2013 20:53

I would cut them off! how rude! let dh have a relationship if he wants but no way would I ever speak to them again.

mourning? eyeroll

Original poster
sherazade · 21/10/2013 20:55

DH can hardly handle the situation whilst he's in the middle of the north sea and unable to contact them, I suspect they preyed on the fact they knew they had to go through me. Doubt they would have dared to tell him themselves that his wife and kids cannot come.

OP posts:
NotYoMomma · 21/10/2013 20:55

oh and I would still go on holiday but book a hotel

yoniwherethesundontshine · 21/10/2013 20:56

The way its worded sounds like its you being rude and trying to impose on them too.

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