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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have cut off from my inlaws after they did this to me

154 replies

sherazade · 21/10/2013 20:38

We had booked a week away during half term to see my in laws who live abroad. I checked before booking that this was convenient for them, and in fact they had instigated it and suggested we come so they could spend some time with the grandchildren. This was booked months ago and cost 2 thousand pounds.

Recently a relative (FIL'S brother) who they have hardly kept touch with passed away from cancer. (sil as never met him, mil met him once, , fil hadn't seen him for 17 years then flew abroad to be with him on his deathbed and saw him pass away). I get a text the day after form sil saying 'cancel your flight as its inappropriate for you to come whilst our house is in mourning'. I replied that the tickets were non refundable to which she responded 'nothing i can do'. I replied that in times of grief family should be together, she responded ' we are his family and we are with him'. I then send several messages pleading/reasoning/tring to make sense of the situation, I even said we'd stay out of the way if needed, help around the house etc, she ignored all my messages and the next day sent 'i have nothing to say to you'. I then replied 'please don't contact me or my children again as you've not had the decency or manners to explain yourself'. I was pretty furious as the flight is 4 days away.

DH is away working and has limited access to phones and no internet, he gets a 5 min call a day in which I had to explain to him that his family were basically telling us not to come and tough luck about the wasted tickets. He said 'just leave things as they are and i'll deal with it when I come back, we'll have to cancel as I can't have you going where you're not welcome'. He sounded dissapointed.

So was I right to have cut ties with them or should I have waited it out?
We've never previously ever had problems, I know sil and mil can be vindictive but they have never been so to me prior to this.

OP posts:
diddl · 22/10/2013 07:56

Has this only come from SIL & do ILs know what is happening?

If it is with their approval, I'd say fuck the lot of them tbh.

Do/did you get on well?

Seems to me that you must have done to be going to see them without your husband.

kali110 · 22/10/2013 08:42

Said same thing sanity. Why are people urging her to get in more debt!

LaurieFairyCake · 22/10/2013 09:02

I think it's really obvious that they think you're made of money and that the 2k is nothing to you.

The way they weren't even aware that your dh worked extra to pay for her wedding dress speaks volumes.

I'm not you but I would find it really hard to lose the 2k and would be trying to find cheaper accommodation - apartment rentals, equivalent of a kibbutz/camping, youth hostel/recreational vehicle - I'm not suggesting you should, only you know the country but I would as I couldn't bear to lose 2k and a holiday.

Blu · 22/10/2013 09:05

I don't think you should get into debt and spend extra ££ just to make use of the tickets, unless it is a place you might take the DC for a holiday whether or not ther ILs live there. It sounds as if you would only really go there because family are not there.

It does all sound very odd.

And upsetting.

Is there a language issue?

Something will come out of the woodwork in due course - I would send your MIL a card saying you will be so sorry not to be seeing them, and sorry for the family loss, and then wait for your DH to communicate fully over the whole thing.

Blu · 22/10/2013 09:06

I don't think you should get into debt and spend extra ££ just to make use of the tickets, unless it is a place you might take the DC for a holiday whether or not ther ILs live there. It sounds as if you would only really go there because family are not there.

It does all sound very odd.

And upsetting.

Is there a language issue?

Something will come out of the woodwork in due course - I would send your MIL a card saying you will be so sorry not to be seeing them, and sorry for the family loss, and then wait for your DH to communicate fully over the whole thing.

SweetSkull · 22/10/2013 09:18

I wonder what would happen if OP just turn up with the kids.
They wouldn't send them home would they?
I think that's what I would probably do TBH.
How old are the kids BTW..?

LaydeeC · 22/10/2013 09:31

I simply don't 'get' why posters are saying that the op is bu Confused.
She has spent a lot of money (I certainly couldn't afford to lose it) following an invitation to visit and has now been told not to come because of the death of an, admittedly, close but estranged relative. I appreciate that this might bring about conflicted feelings because of the lost chances to reconcile BUT I cannot, in a million years, understand why this would mean that the op and her children are so badly treated. Particularly if it is because of some 'grieving ritual'. Surely, any family would want other close family members around. How cruel of your husband's family to simply cancel a holiday that your children would have been looking forward to. And you have been told to call and apologise - sheesh, I would when hell freezes over...

ajandjjmum · 22/10/2013 09:36

What airline is it? Are you sure they won't let you re-book another destination?

diddl · 22/10/2013 09:36

Why would you just turn up where you are not wanted, though?

I would have thought that it would be lovely for ILs to have GC around at such a time.

Or are they not allowed to be happy at all atm?

Or are they busy with funeral arrangements?

It to me is one of those circs where you somehow muddle through & make the best of it tbh.

Maybe not ideal to have visitors, but rather that than them those shit loads of money iyswim.

SweetSkull · 22/10/2013 09:47

I'm not saying she should turn up.
I was wondering what would they do if she did.
And to be honest, depending on kids age, I would do it myself
But I know I can be a loon

diddl · 22/10/2013 09:49

"I think that's what I would probably do TBH."

I misread that as a suggestion to the OP that she just turn up.

NeedlesCuties · 22/10/2013 10:00

YANBU. £2000 is a huge amount of money.

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 22/10/2013 10:02

If I were you op
I would wait for your dh to come back and speak to your i laws

I would cancel the flights and claim the taxes back on the flights (this could be a fair amount) and then if possible have a weekend away somewhere nice in the uk with the money you get back. It would give you and the children a chance to get away and a small treat to help with the disappointment.

I don't blame you for your reaction. It's easy to look from the outside and say how someone should behave but when you're the person being disappointed and made angry it's a very human reaction. Wait for dh to get home and see how the Inlaws situation goes from there.

lainiekazan · 22/10/2013 10:03

Like others, I'd like to clarify whether OP spoke only to sil, and if that was only by text.

I would wish to hear, in person, from the mil, what the exact situation was.

To get a flight refund you would need a death certificate or doctor's proof of serious illness. I have got two flight refunds and in both cases I needed GP letters to say that a)my father had died and b) my mother was seriously ill. You can't just ring an airline and say a distant relative has died.

LaydeeC · 22/10/2013 10:45

No, you can't ring the airline and request a refund for a cancelled flight but my understanding is that the taxes that you pay (included in the final price) are only payable if the flight is undertaken. If you do not take the flight there are no taxes due.
It is only my understanding based on something I read a while back and I think that some airlines may charge a fee to process the refund of taxes but it is definitely worthwhile looking at the website or calling the airline. You may still get a sizable refund - it is certainly worth looking into.
I think you would need to do it before the date of the proposed flight.

yoniwherethesundontshine · 22/10/2013 10:55

no we missed a flight once and got lots of the ticket cost back on taxedx

whois · 22/10/2013 11:42

Fucking hell, no wonder this country is in a shit financial situation "can't you borrow from family" "just go into debt" fucking hell people if OP can't afford to pay for a hotel in an expensive county she can't afford it. No one should go into debt for a holiday. It's not an essential!

The flight costs are sunk, you'll have to write them off OP which is gutting but better than spending another £2k on hotel for the week.

I wouldn't have anything to do with the ILs after this stunt.

yoniwherethesundontshine · 22/10/2013 11:45

I imagine people were thinking more along the lines of rather than wasting the flights, still go and make the best of it, rather than getting into more debt.

SweetSkull · 22/10/2013 11:49

anh?
I have being in debt before and guess what?
It's paid off!

overreacting much?

no-one is telling the OP to contact a loan shark

and who da fuk are you to decide if people should or shouldn't borrow money? and the purpose of the money?

Original poster
sherazade · 22/10/2013 13:03

I think fakebook is onto something, i spoke briefly to dh this morning and he said his sister was jealous. She is never allowed to travel alone. And reminded me tht she rules the roost. I don't know if the two are connected. I agree that this conversation should never have happened via text msg but it was all heat of the moment and if i could go back i would have pocked up the phone in an instant and asked ti speak to mil. We've cancelled the flights and can claim back tax which is a small fraction of the ticket total. We'll use the money to visit somewhere local together when dh gets back and put this behind us. Dh will speak to his parents when he returns. I also couldn't bear taking the kids there knowing they couldn't see their grandparents who they love dearly, or risk visiting them and not being allowed in. They are 6 and 8.

OP posts:
Original poster
sherazade · 22/10/2013 13:03

Pardon the typos iph

OP posts:
merrymouse · 22/10/2013 13:03

I think it's clear that a conversation about the ins and outs of a family bereavement and cancelling a £2000 visit should not be done by text. The SIL initiated the text communications, so I don't blame the OP for continuing them and don't blame her for being upset or what she said/texted in the heat of the moment.

The visit is off, but, as others have said, some money can be recouped from the tickets. The best thing now is to enjoy half term in the UK and let your DH sort out what is probably just a massive miscommunication when he gets back home.

Original poster
sherazade · 22/10/2013 13:03

Iphone grrr

OP posts:
merrymouse · 22/10/2013 13:04

Oh, I see that is what you are going to do anyway - x posted!

Good decision!

Fakebook · 22/10/2013 13:41

I thought that might have been a reason. Is she around the same age as you too?

I bet your mil and fil have been brainwashed by her and don't have their own mind. It's a shame. I'm sure they would have loved to have seen their gc and you, regardless of a death in the family. Make sure DH tells them exactly how rude your sil has been and that all communication will be through pil from now on. I don't think you should cut ties with your pil just because sil is a cow.