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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have cut off from my inlaws after they did this to me

154 replies

sherazade · 21/10/2013 20:38

We had booked a week away during half term to see my in laws who live abroad. I checked before booking that this was convenient for them, and in fact they had instigated it and suggested we come so they could spend some time with the grandchildren. This was booked months ago and cost 2 thousand pounds.

Recently a relative (FIL'S brother) who they have hardly kept touch with passed away from cancer. (sil as never met him, mil met him once, , fil hadn't seen him for 17 years then flew abroad to be with him on his deathbed and saw him pass away). I get a text the day after form sil saying 'cancel your flight as its inappropriate for you to come whilst our house is in mourning'. I replied that the tickets were non refundable to which she responded 'nothing i can do'. I replied that in times of grief family should be together, she responded ' we are his family and we are with him'. I then send several messages pleading/reasoning/tring to make sense of the situation, I even said we'd stay out of the way if needed, help around the house etc, she ignored all my messages and the next day sent 'i have nothing to say to you'. I then replied 'please don't contact me or my children again as you've not had the decency or manners to explain yourself'. I was pretty furious as the flight is 4 days away.

DH is away working and has limited access to phones and no internet, he gets a 5 min call a day in which I had to explain to him that his family were basically telling us not to come and tough luck about the wasted tickets. He said 'just leave things as they are and i'll deal with it when I come back, we'll have to cancel as I can't have you going where you're not welcome'. He sounded dissapointed.

So was I right to have cut ties with them or should I have waited it out?
We've never previously ever had problems, I know sil and mil can be vindictive but they have never been so to me prior to this.

OP posts:

SweetSkull · 21/10/2013 21:35

OP never mind getting into debt. It is better than losing the money.
Get the cheap hotel you can find and appear one day on their front door with a card and a bunch of flowers. Than disappear and don't tell them your location.

WeAllHaveWings · 21/10/2013 21:37

My ddad and dmum haven't seen some of their siblings (large families both sides) for many years as they live in different countries. Theyalso dont keep in touch much. Both have been devasted when they have lost a brother or sister.

If it were my parents i would respect their wishes and not presume they weren't devasted by their loss of their brother or sister because they hadn't seen each other for a while. If those wishes involved needing some space from me and/or the grandkids so soon after the funeral so be it.

Unfortunately death can occur at inconvient times and I can understand you are disappointed in missing out on your holiday/visit, but do you think you maybe overdid the pleading for your holiday text messages while they are grieving? Text messages can easily be misinterpreted, never understand why people who are so close don't just pick up the phone, especially at times like this.

MissStrawberry · 21/10/2013 21:40

Cutting off contact is a bigger deal than an argument!

junkfoodaddict · 21/10/2013 21:41

Cut your losses r.e. the money. Don't go and do not contact your PIL. Let them contact you.
If this was me, I would be feeling pretty pissed off. Bereavement or not, there is no excuse to be so rude. A polite; "I'm really sorry about the financial loss. Is there any way of rebooking for February half term?" would show signs that they are wanting to at least see you and the children! I can't imagine ANY grandmother who would happily cut ties with their grandchildren because her daughter said so!
If you do manage to salvage your relationship, I still would be taking a backseat with this lot and distancing yourself from them. It will give them the message that death in the family or not, it is inexcusable to be rude.

QuintessentialShadows · 21/10/2013 21:42

Leave them be and count yourself lucky that you will never have any obligations towards them in future, regards to visits, hosting, or sending of gifts. You are not family.

I would however see if something could be salvaged regards the tickets.

WhoNickedMyName · 21/10/2013 21:43

Well as you've left it at the moment, you've severed all ties with them.

It can't get any worse imo.

I'd have thought the gesture of a phone call to speak to
MIL and/or FIL, expressing your sympathy (even though your OP suggests they shouldn't really be that upset) would allow you to see how the land lies and take it from there.

Original poster

sherazade · 21/10/2013 21:45

I telephoned them the day before to express my sympathy, as soon as I heard of his death.

OP posts:

29chapel · 21/10/2013 21:46

sherazade i'm sure you can work this out. In the past i've had a stand up fishwife esque row with my MIL (she accused me of being a gold-digger which did not sit well with me needless to say) but we are now on very good terms. Please don't think it can't be rescued, most valuable relationships can if both parties are willing to try. I suspect there is more to this (her behaviour) than meets the eye.

Original poster

sherazade · 21/10/2013 21:46

thanks junkfoodaddict. Your message has given me some comfort.

OP posts:

29chapel · 21/10/2013 21:46

Sorry by that i mean that she could be acting strangely because of her situation.

Original poster

sherazade · 21/10/2013 21:47

I still feel sad about my MIL and my poor FIL. I just despise SIL right now.

OP posts:

FixItUpChappie · 21/10/2013 21:47

YANBU

2000 pounds is well beyond a lot of money to lose - its huge. I would have told them to right fuck off TBH.

Can't you go and stay elsewhere? Even a family hostel so you can make use of the airfare?

FixItUpChappie · 21/10/2013 21:49

I should add I'm not suggesting you see them or interact with them in any way if you do go but stay elsewhere.

Original poster

sherazade · 21/10/2013 21:51

I don't know i'm in two minds I think I need to cut financial losses right now as one poster said, they live in a region where everything is very very expensive , I can't imagine just sitting in a hotel away from all family just to spite them, getting more broke by the minute.

OP posts:

FixItUpChappie · 21/10/2013 21:53

No, not sitting in a hotel but having a travel holiday? Is there anything interesting in the region?

QuintessentialShadows · 21/10/2013 21:55

Please let us know what country this is, maybe somebody has some suggestions?

Original poster

sherazade · 21/10/2013 21:56

I think i'd need to fork out another grand at a bare minimum, think I'd rather just have a quiet weekend with dh somewhere local in the last weekend of the half term, also feel as though we need to be together.
I dont like the idea of borrowing accomodation money in a city where there are only expensive hotels, or even worse asking dh for it.

OP posts:

Original poster

sherazade · 21/10/2013 21:57

It is a gulf country

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadows · 21/10/2013 21:59

Oh I see. No, I would not go there unless I had a lot of money. Unless you could get yourself to Jordan. Which is lovely, and can be inexpensive. Take the kids to Petra.

Caitlin17 · 21/10/2013 22:00

YANBU. Your insurance might not even cover this. I'd use the tickets, stay in a hotel and go nowhere near them.

SarahAnderson · 21/10/2013 22:01

Even a Gulf country might well have airbnb? (I have no idea)

AnandaTimeIn · 21/10/2013 22:42

Petra is nowhere near the Gulf - and I doubt airbnb is there either (could be wrong of course about that)....

If people could be bothered to read the answers by OP, there is no money left for a hotel or a holiday there....

Sad you had to spend 2k on non-refundable air tickets for it all to work out like this.

I would be rethinking any future time with them anyway if they treat you like that... Let them come to you and book a hotel.

nennypops · 21/10/2013 22:45

I suspect sil didn't reply because she thought it was obvious that they wouldn't want guests when in mourning, and she's probably at this moment composing an AIBU message about her sil who won't take no for an answer. Admittedly it's all rather tactlessly phrased but maybe they feel fil won't be able to cope with children just now.

sweetiepie1979 · 21/10/2013 22:46

You are not been unreasonable OP I would never be the same with them again. It's totally bizarre they would do that on you. I wish you could afford to go anyway and have a good time with the kids that's what's needed. If you can stick it on a credit card do it good luck

SweetSkull · 21/10/2013 22:48

Can you borrow from family?

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