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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have cut off from my inlaws after they did this to me

154 replies

sherazade · 21/10/2013 20:38

We had booked a week away during half term to see my in laws who live abroad. I checked before booking that this was convenient for them, and in fact they had instigated it and suggested we come so they could spend some time with the grandchildren. This was booked months ago and cost 2 thousand pounds.

Recently a relative (FIL'S brother) who they have hardly kept touch with passed away from cancer. (sil as never met him, mil met him once, , fil hadn't seen him for 17 years then flew abroad to be with him on his deathbed and saw him pass away). I get a text the day after form sil saying 'cancel your flight as its inappropriate for you to come whilst our house is in mourning'. I replied that the tickets were non refundable to which she responded 'nothing i can do'. I replied that in times of grief family should be together, she responded ' we are his family and we are with him'. I then send several messages pleading/reasoning/tring to make sense of the situation, I even said we'd stay out of the way if needed, help around the house etc, she ignored all my messages and the next day sent 'i have nothing to say to you'. I then replied 'please don't contact me or my children again as you've not had the decency or manners to explain yourself'. I was pretty furious as the flight is 4 days away.

DH is away working and has limited access to phones and no internet, he gets a 5 min call a day in which I had to explain to him that his family were basically telling us not to come and tough luck about the wasted tickets. He said 'just leave things as they are and i'll deal with it when I come back, we'll have to cancel as I can't have you going where you're not welcome'. He sounded dissapointed.

So was I right to have cut ties with them or should I have waited it out?
We've never previously ever had problems, I know sil and mil can be vindictive but they have never been so to me prior to this.

OP posts:
SauvignonBlanche · 21/10/2013 21:15

I'd wait for your DH to talk to them.

Original poster
sherazade · 21/10/2013 21:16

thankyou yoni, advice taken.

OP posts:
BillyBanter · 21/10/2013 21:16

do they have air bnb or similar there?

Campsites?

youth hostels?

BillyBanter · 21/10/2013 21:17

Was your husband not going.

you are all family too so why would you not be allowed to go there and be in mourning with them?

Blu · 21/10/2013 21:17

Oh, sorry, I had missed that your DH was not going to be going with you.

Original poster
sherazade · 21/10/2013 21:17

Blu, DH wasn't going, he's working most of half term.

OP posts:
quoteunquote · 21/10/2013 21:18

Could it be that some unresolved issues have come to a head, with the brother death?

There may be reasons they avoided each other, which have had to be addressed,

they may really just feel uncomfortable being stressed and grieving around you.

Original poster
sherazade · 21/10/2013 21:18

No Billybanter they do not.

OP posts:
LittleBairn · 21/10/2013 21:19

sharezade are te family Jewish and sitting Shiva?
If so they don't really have much of a choice.

But the way they have dealt with you seems rude, like the couldn't care less. I can understand why your upset.

Original poster
sherazade · 21/10/2013 21:20

quoteonquote, maybe they've come into alot of money and no longer need dh's lavish gifts he always sends (tongue in cheek- ish)

OP posts:
Blu · 21/10/2013 21:21

How well do you get on with your MIL?

Presumably quite well, to have contemplated a week there. I would call her and be very apologetic and say you seem to have had a misunderstanding with SIL and as you don't want to say no to her kind invitation, and the children are desperately upset at the idea of not seeing their GM, you are just calling to see if everything is OK and let her know that you hope to be able to go again soon...but it might be a while as you won't get the ££ back on the tix...

My guess is that the SIL has double booked in some rellies on her side, or something.

DontmindifIdo · 21/10/2013 21:21

Definately check with your insurance, you might be able to get something back if you call and explain you can't go now due to death in the family. It's worth a call to find out...

footballagain · 21/10/2013 21:21

Grief does strange things to people.

Original poster
sherazade · 21/10/2013 21:21

no littlebairn, they are not

OP posts:
Original poster
sherazade · 21/10/2013 21:23

we've always gotten along well, blu, except that I notice she defends her daughter fiercely, rightly or wrongly, and will never confront her or displease her. I feel that whilst she is a nice lady, she won't over ride her daughter, strange as it may seem.
I told the insurance and they were quick to tell me that the policy doesn't cover other people's deaths! typical..

OP posts:
WhoNickedMyName · 21/10/2013 21:24

I think your SIL has behaved very rudely, but I also think you've totally overreacted, and your poor DH is stuck in an oil rig or wherever, in the middle of nowhere, helpless in this situation for now, and probably wondering what the fuck has gone on.

You probably need to try and have a phonecall with your MIL, express your sympathy and ask her if she would like you to postpone/cancel your visit, then abide by her wishes.

An argument by text with a third party is not the way to resolve this.

Topseyt · 21/10/2013 21:25

Well, I would be furious at being made to lose £2,000 just as if it were pocket money, no matter what the circumstances or culture. I would hope for some consideration there.

Did you explain to them that you now stand to lose £2k that you can ill afford? Though it sounds as if it would not make much difference if you did anyway.

As for the "wanting only family around" to mourn for a relative they have not seen for the best part of two decades, you are married to their son and are the mother of their grandchildren. You may not be a blood relative, but you are part of the family. It seems a very bizarre and unfriendly attitude.

29chapel · 21/10/2013 21:26

I would call too sherazade. I would start the conversation saying you are sorry for their loss, then i think perhaps say you think there's been a breakdown in communication between you both and that it wasn't your intention. Then say nothing and see what response you get?

pigletmania · 21/10/2013 21:27

Yanbu, 2k is a hell of a lot of money to just forget about, to expect you to waste that is being vvvvvu. Just go, stay in a hotel and make a holiday of it

Original poster
sherazade · 21/10/2013 21:29

DH has advised me not to call, I think he's worried things will spiral out of control. I told him i'd be civil, and really genuinely want to sort things out but he was quite adamant that calling wouldn't work with them. i think he knows that his sister calls all the shots and MIL goes withh it to keep the peace at home. DH and I haven't even had a proper conversation, he called me before his night shift started and it was very rushed and he sounded really tired.

OP posts:
candycoatedwaterdrops · 21/10/2013 21:29

YABU to decide to cut your family off without even consulting with your husband. They were rude but you were too, so not sure how you can take the moral highground.

TeeBee · 21/10/2013 21:30

Yanbu at all, I'd have had a lot more to say to them can't believe some people think you are unreasonable. I wouldn't have anything to do with them in future if I was treated like that. They sound really rude.

Original poster
sherazade · 21/10/2013 21:31

SIL has always said i'm the sister she never had... I just feel so gutted with how things turned out and I feel like a fool.

OP posts:
WhoNickedMyName · 21/10/2013 21:33

'Spiral out of control'?

You've told them not to contact you or your children again.

How can it get any worse at this point?

Original poster
sherazade · 21/10/2013 21:34

I don't know whonickedmyname. An argument between me and mil?

OP posts:
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