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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have cut off from my inlaws after they did this to me

154 replies

sherazade · 21/10/2013 20:38

We had booked a week away during half term to see my in laws who live abroad. I checked before booking that this was convenient for them, and in fact they had instigated it and suggested we come so they could spend some time with the grandchildren. This was booked months ago and cost 2 thousand pounds.

Recently a relative (FIL'S brother) who they have hardly kept touch with passed away from cancer. (sil as never met him, mil met him once, , fil hadn't seen him for 17 years then flew abroad to be with him on his deathbed and saw him pass away). I get a text the day after form sil saying 'cancel your flight as its inappropriate for you to come whilst our house is in mourning'. I replied that the tickets were non refundable to which she responded 'nothing i can do'. I replied that in times of grief family should be together, she responded ' we are his family and we are with him'. I then send several messages pleading/reasoning/tring to make sense of the situation, I even said we'd stay out of the way if needed, help around the house etc, she ignored all my messages and the next day sent 'i have nothing to say to you'. I then replied 'please don't contact me or my children again as you've not had the decency or manners to explain yourself'. I was pretty furious as the flight is 4 days away.

DH is away working and has limited access to phones and no internet, he gets a 5 min call a day in which I had to explain to him that his family were basically telling us not to come and tough luck about the wasted tickets. He said 'just leave things as they are and i'll deal with it when I come back, we'll have to cancel as I can't have you going where you're not welcome'. He sounded dissapointed.

So was I right to have cut ties with them or should I have waited it out?
We've never previously ever had problems, I know sil and mil can be vindictive but they have never been so to me prior to this.

OP posts:

Xmasbaby11 · 21/10/2013 22:53

Don't contact them - wait for DH to come home and let him deal with it. They have treated you badly and it's impossible to know why. It's a shame about the money but I would be more pissed off about the disappointment for the kids and the fact you have been treated rudely.

K8Middleton · 21/10/2013 22:54

You conducted this row by text? Why didn't you ring?

I would make a contingency plan that sees you to but stay elsewhere and get your dh to sort it out when he's home.

daisychain01 · 21/10/2013 23:01

YADDNBU. I cannot understand that business of " our house is in mourning". Thats a complete red herring they created.

Honestly, life is for the living and your inlaws would rather trash their relationship with you, their living relatives who cared enough to book a trip to see them and ther are using the excuse that someone has died, thats unacceptable!

I am sad on your behalf and hope you can use the flights to spend a lovely holiday with your children.

Driz · 21/10/2013 23:12

Just cancel the flights and claim back the taxes. That is usually the most expensive part of the ticket anyway, so you should recoup a fair bit of the money.

crazyspaniel · 21/10/2013 23:13

Even if the flight fares are non-refundable, I'm pretty sure that the taxes are refundable, and they are usually quite a hefty percentage of the cost. So you may be able to salvage something, financially at least? I had to cancel some non-refundable tickets to South Africa a few years ago and was surprised to get quite a bit back.

crazyspaniel · 21/10/2013 23:14

Oops, cross post!

PedlarsSpanner · 21/10/2013 23:31

from what I can glean you have had contact about this with SIL only, no contact with MIL or FIL?

Perhaps FIL/MIL are consumed with grief and regret at their estrangement and subsequent loss, and asked SIL to contact you to ask you to rearrange your jolly, and SIL has clumsily, hamfistedly, tried to do this?

beitou · 21/10/2013 23:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Grumpywino · 22/10/2013 00:29

Yanbu, their rudeness in treating you as something other than family is stunning. Even if this is resolved would you ever trust them again? They have made it fairly clear that you are not real family to them, you and your children could be treated like this again.

StrawberryGashes · 22/10/2013 00:36

You shouldn't have cut contact with your dh's family like that, so you were unreasonable there, also, don't underestimate how upset your fil could be over this. But your sil was very unreasonable too.

Book a hotel on a credit card, enjoy your holiday and say to your Dh that instead of buying them expensive gifts he can pay off the credit card instead.

Sinful1 · 22/10/2013 03:01

Beitou the working directive doesn't apply to trawler crews iirc

TheTruffleHunter · 22/10/2013 03:14

Nennypops, SIL doesn't want guests when they're in mourning for a family member she hasn't even met?? are you on the wrong thread?

kali110 · 22/10/2013 04:10

Think that you've cut all ties was ott.
Its not for anyone to say how someone should or shouldn't feel. I have people i haven't seen for while but would be devastated if something happened to them.
Think you're being sensible not going, when it is so expensive. Not worth getting into debt especially as you wouldn't enjoy it.

ILoveMakeUp · 22/10/2013 04:18

Maybe they are genuinely devastated by this death. I dunno, maybe they feel guilty that they haven't seen him for years. And they don't feel up to having you stay right now.

However, they could at least have offered to reimburse you for the tickets.

MokuMoku · 22/10/2013 05:46

Will your DH be back before you leave, sorry if I missed that?

If not, I agree with those who said just cut your losses. Call the insurance company and see if you can recoup the money due to close family death. If not, you will still be able to get the taxes refunded so hopefully can still do something fun with the kids during the holiday.

I wouldn't bother contacting your in-laws again. Just get your DH to deal with them when he can.

roundtable · 22/10/2013 05:57

I'm flabbergasted people are telling you to get into debt for this. The Gulf is hugely expensive.

Sounds upsetting, I personally would wait until dh got home and take it from there.

Claim back the taxes but don't get into debt over it.

All the best op.

merrymouse · 22/10/2013 06:14

You haven't cut all ties though. You said you would cut all ties following a rather confusing and upsetting argument. Cutting all ties is when you actually don't see somebody for several years, don't communicate with them and don't give them any information about how to contact you. You just had a row which should be quickly remedied by apologies (you for getting upset, whether you feel you are at fault or not, and them for not clarifying what on earth was going on).

Let your DH deal with it. There is clearly more going on here than was explained to you (hence your frustration).

Your options are try to get some money back on the tickets or use them and stay somewhere else. However, I wouldn't do this as I would find it difficult to explain the rather fraught situation to your children and why they couldn't visit their grandparents who apparently don't want to see any of you at this time for some unrevealed reason.

ddubsgirl · 22/10/2013 06:39

Can you not sell the tickets?? You would lose some money but at least you would get some back

diddl · 22/10/2013 06:51

I'd get back as much money as I could & leave it to them to contact or not tbh.

House in mourning for someone they didn't keep in contact with?

Well, as long as the neighbours see them doing the right thing, eh??

NutcrackerFairy · 22/10/2013 07:02

I haven't read all five pages so sorry if I have missed some further relevant information... but I do think you are being a bit unreasonable.

Why was this conversation with MIL conducted via text? It is a situation ripe for mixed messages, miscommunication and misunderstanding.

You sound a bit pushy and overbearing tbh when you say you "begged and pleaded" with MIL. You may not understand it but she is telling you that both her and FIL are in mourning and not up to receiving visitors. It may be that they are feeling guilty and saddened by the lack of contact with FILs brother prior to his passing and are now mourning the fact that they can never rebuild a relationship with him, it is too late.

I understand that you were feeling very frustrated and confused... and that to be only able to discuss this with your DH at random times for a very limited period must add to your feelings of powerlessness and lack of control....

But, there must be quite a back story to this for you to get quite so irate and decide to cut your in-laws off entirely.

If this were me I think I would leave the PIL situation for DH to deal with. I understand it is difficult for him to contact them... but not impossible. Does he/they have email? Not ideal but better than nothing.

Can you still take your flights as planned and arrange to stay with other relatives/in a hotel whilst you are there? Might it be possible that PIL might actually soften and change their minds about you staying over time, either before you fly or after? They might be in quite a heightened state of emotion after a bereavement and are not thinking straight... you berating them is not going to make this better.

I think I would for now let sleeping dogs lie and ask your DH to manage this situation/communicate with ILs. Don't stir up any more angst on either side and see what happens. This is a situation outside of your control for now.

NutcrackerFairy · 22/10/2013 07:06

Sorry, I misread. The texting was with your SIL. May she have got the wrong end of the stick here? Could you communicate with your MIL to check both she and FIL are in mourning and not up to having you all stay?

diddl · 22/10/2013 07:34

It must be awful to lose a sibling & I don't doubt that FIL is upset.

But MIL & SIL?

And what about the family of the man who has died?

Fakebook · 22/10/2013 07:36

Have you spoken to anyone other than sil? How old is she? Do her parents even know about this? I think you should have spoken to the mil or fil before cutting ties. In the future (if this matter resolves) only make contact through your pil. Make her know that you will only talk to them regarding important issues.

Also, are your in laws from a culture where unmarried women have less freedom to do things alone? There's something about her texts that make me feel she's jealous of you for being able to travel there alone and she's trying to scupper your plans.

TheAngryCheeseCracker · 22/10/2013 07:36

Sorry but yabu, you handled this badly.

I mean, where do you go from here?!

SanityClause · 22/10/2013 07:42

It is not better to get into debt just to use the tickets. That is throwing good money after bad!

Unless ere was any chance you would see them whilst there, there is absolutely no point in going. The £2K is already wasted - no point in wasting more!

It's a pity about the £2K. Perhaps if they have come into some money, they will pay the next lot of plane tickets and you can cancel at the last minute for "cultural" reasons

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