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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have cut off from my inlaws after they did this to me

154 replies

sherazade · 21/10/2013 20:38

We had booked a week away during half term to see my in laws who live abroad. I checked before booking that this was convenient for them, and in fact they had instigated it and suggested we come so they could spend some time with the grandchildren. This was booked months ago and cost 2 thousand pounds.

Recently a relative (FIL'S brother) who they have hardly kept touch with passed away from cancer. (sil as never met him, mil met him once, , fil hadn't seen him for 17 years then flew abroad to be with him on his deathbed and saw him pass away). I get a text the day after form sil saying 'cancel your flight as its inappropriate for you to come whilst our house is in mourning'. I replied that the tickets were non refundable to which she responded 'nothing i can do'. I replied that in times of grief family should be together, she responded ' we are his family and we are with him'. I then send several messages pleading/reasoning/tring to make sense of the situation, I even said we'd stay out of the way if needed, help around the house etc, she ignored all my messages and the next day sent 'i have nothing to say to you'. I then replied 'please don't contact me or my children again as you've not had the decency or manners to explain yourself'. I was pretty furious as the flight is 4 days away.

DH is away working and has limited access to phones and no internet, he gets a 5 min call a day in which I had to explain to him that his family were basically telling us not to come and tough luck about the wasted tickets. He said 'just leave things as they are and i'll deal with it when I come back, we'll have to cancel as I can't have you going where you're not welcome'. He sounded dissapointed.

So was I right to have cut ties with them or should I have waited it out?
We've never previously ever had problems, I know sil and mil can be vindictive but they have never been so to me prior to this.

OP posts:
Greendove · 21/10/2013 20:57

Are your inlaws from a different culture where a death in the family means certain rules/customs have to be followed?

SantanaLopez · 21/10/2013 20:57

Is there a big cultural clash here?

Original poster
sherazade · 21/10/2013 20:59

they're from a culture which dictates that when someone dies, family must be together regardless and where you don't shut the door on family no matter what... Curiouser and curiouser..

OP posts:
yoniwherethesundontshine · 21/10/2013 21:00

If there is a cultural clash which is sounds like there may be,

Couldnt they have been nicer about it?

Does that still entitle them to be sooooo fucking rude?

" We are sooooo sorry, this is awful horrendous timing, we were so looking forward to seeing you but since the death we have to x and y and z...

SweetSkull · 21/10/2013 21:01

Please go and stay in a hotel. borrow money if possible.
Send sight seen photos for them afterwards.

SantanaLopez · 21/10/2013 21:01

I have to say I'm a bit baffled. Does the SIL speak English fluently?

SweetSkull · 21/10/2013 21:01

Please go and stay in a hotel. borrow money if possible.
Send sight seen photos for them afterwards.

LEMisdisappointed · 21/10/2013 21:03

Yes, of course - i do understand that you are disappointed and frustrated by the situation. 2k is shed loads of money to lose, disappointed kids etc, all very sad. But what i am reading here, and i could be wrong, is that your ILs are from a different culture where a house "goes into mourning" at a family loss, regardless of the contact before the person passed away so maybe it is inappropriate for them to have guests, especially guests that they would need to entertain and entertain children at a time when they may be having to follow some sort of mourning "thing". My mums family are spanish and the older members of the family would follow a mourning regime.

I also think that their texts were quite rude and abrubt and they could have took the time to explain the situation to you rather than just assume you would understand.

But cutting them off will only serve to cause heartache and it is really not for you to do that, they are your DHs parents and this was something for him to deal with.

Original poster
sherazade · 21/10/2013 21:03

i mean they've tolerated ridiculous numbers of guests from around the world sleeping on matresses all over the place for long lengths of times (mil's family) and have cheerfully braved it as its also very much part of their culture to have guests staying and considered very rude to refuse.. My dds are quiet and entertain themselves, i cook and clean around the house and pick up after my dds when i'm there, dont expect to be entertained and take up a small room in their large, barely inhabited house. I pay for groceries when I'm there and don't expect anyone to ferry me about. They did invite us after all and whine that they dont see the grandchildren. DH takes lavish gifts for them (new state of the art tablet for SIL) and supports them financially (sil wanting a designer dress for her bf's wedding, he offered to pay so as to relieve his mum and dad). It really hurts that they think this money was nothing. DH worked overtime and away from home to fund it.

OP posts:
Original poster
sherazade · 21/10/2013 21:05

DH snorted on the phone when I told him SIL said we're mourning.

OP posts:
magicstars · 21/10/2013 21:07

Go anyway and stay in a hotel. Get DH to tell them you're all there and that you'd like to meet up if they feel up to it. Rise above the pettiness (from them), there must be something going on behind the scenes that they don't feel able to share with you yet.
Make the holiday great for the dc and yourselves so that they and you won't dwell on not seeing GP's.

WhoNickedMyName · 21/10/2013 21:07

Was your DH meant to be going with you too, or was it just you and the children?

Original poster
sherazade · 21/10/2013 21:07

santanalopez yes she's perfectly fluent in English.
I do think maybe my final text was rash. But still pretty hurt and confused. I was really attached to them.

OP posts:
Iamsparklyknickers · 21/10/2013 21:08

I would be fuming at being told I could essentially shove £2k up my backside, and would be pretty unrepentant about any hissy fit I threw off the back of that tbh.

I think the mourning is a separate issue, estranged relatives dying can bring up some very real and confusing emotions so I wouldn't belittle it, but I would find it very hard to get past the complete lack of willingness to compromise or appreciation of the financial impact on my family.

Original poster
sherazade · 21/10/2013 21:08

It was just me and the children.

OP posts:
tinyturtletim · 21/10/2013 21:10

Yanbu.

They sound horrendous to deal with.

Can you book a hotel? I would go have a lovely holiday and send pics after just to spite them.

yoniwherethesundontshine · 21/10/2013 21:10

Op

You are not answering people saying you should still go. is that not an option?

wimblehorse · 21/10/2013 21:10

Can you go anyway & stay in a hotel or with any other friends/relatives there? Or change flights to a different place? Or to later in the year?
I think YAB a bit U to have so quickly got to no further contact. However clearly your SIL is being U too.

Original poster
sherazade · 21/10/2013 21:11

hi, sorry yoni, I couldn't afford the cost of a hotel and i'm not sure I like the idea of going into debt over this. Hotels there cost and arm and a leg, literally.

OP posts:
nicename · 21/10/2013 21:11

I can't think of any culture where they'd tell family to back off. Sounds like they don't really see you as 'real' family.

Maybe there's all sorts of crap going on over there with the family. Death after estrangement can stir up a whole hornets mess so maybe its best you don't walk into the middle of it.

I'd leave it up to your husband to sort it out. He's on their wavelength and might get the truth out of his sister.

I'm sure its not as it seems. I'm thinking deep, dark family secrets (overactive imagination here).

Original poster
sherazade · 21/10/2013 21:12

The airline won't allow a change in destination but they allow a change in date within three months which would cost almost £200 per ticket, and would mean I would have to rebook to the same destination and risk them dumping me again.

OP posts:
ChasedByZombees · 21/10/2013 21:13

I'd book a hotel and go anyway too and just avoid them.

ChasedByZombees · 21/10/2013 21:14

Oh x posts. :(

yoniwherethesundontshine · 21/10/2013 21:14

Hopefully you can recover some flight costs, as there has been a death, look into this and try and do damage limitation.

I think there is more going on behind scenes, sil sounds very young and immature....

Whatever the culture there is no excuse for the tart and short messages to you, they could have chosen to be kind but they did not.

Focus your efforts into trying to get some money back and planning something else for the dc's.

I would expect some serious arse licking from them in future but at the same time, brace yourselves for some ...revaltion...

Blu · 21/10/2013 21:15

Very bizarre behaviour on their part. Or at least, if it is in line with some mourning custom, very unsympathetic, rude language.

And I don't see it as especially targeted at you, she is saying none of you can go, including your DH, isn't she?

It was a bit hot headed of you to reply like that. It seems to be SIL causing all the grief - maybe your DH can have a calm conversation with his Mum when he gets back?

I would spend your time looking up self catering places in a nice location from the same flights.

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