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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To fall out with her over this and stop speaking to her

157 replies

Opalite · 20/10/2013 19:25

This woman who I met not too long ago but have been getting on well was round at my house, my DD, the woman and I were sitting outside and part of the conversation was my DD calling her dad and DSs dad 'useless twats' and a few other things. This is when the woman started saying you shouldnt speak about your dad like that, it's disrespectful and you wouldn't be here without him and loads of other crap. I was pissed off because firstly she was in our home telling my 16 year old DD what she should and shouldn't do and secondly because DD should be allowed to say her opinion about a person...
It made me feel really uncomfortable but I didn't shout at her or anything, I just said something like 'no, she can say what she wants and she's right etc.' then I said 'we should really get ready to go out now dd' and said to her that me and dd will be busy now, bye etc

We havent known each other for too long, I do have to see her very regularly though! I am wondering if I should just tell her I don't want to have much to do with her any more OR if I'm actually being unreasonable

OP posts:
Original poster
Opalite · 20/10/2013 21:30

Spirulina, just been generally crap dads- abusive to the mother (me) not bothering with the kids etc. etc. DS will be 11 in two weeks

OP posts:
MissBattleaxe · 20/10/2013 22:00

MissBattleAxe - You say you would be shocked by the word.
Genuine question here, honestly not trying to goad. If you are shocked by the word twat, how do you cope being on mumsnet, or even watching telly

Oh I love a good swear, but if I was visiting a friend and her 16yo daughter said her dad was a useless twat, I would be shocked as I don't think that's how any 16 year old should talk in front of guests. With friends they can say what they fucking well want!

DeWe · 20/10/2013 22:12

It would make me very incomfortable to have that conversation going on in front of me. The dads mentioned would almost certainly be irrelevent to me, so I don't need telling her opinions of them.
And I particularly think she shouldn't be talking like that about your ds's dad (assuming it's not hers) because you ds may feel that he then can't have a relationship with him, or say anything nice about him, because that will be disloyal to you and her.

I wouldn't have said anything, but I would have distanced myself quickly. If nothing else, someone that talks that behind one person's back, will probably do it to yours as well.

Milkjug · 20/10/2013 22:12

I might well have been embarrassed to have family dirty laundry aired in my presence when I didn't know those involved well. However, I would not then convert that discomfort into getting sanctimonious about what a 16 year old should or should not say about her family.

Original poster
Opalite · 20/10/2013 22:38

DeWe he is old enough to have formed his own opinions about his dad
The woman was involved in the conversation though, what my DD said was completely relevant to what we were talking about. Surely it's different because some people do deserve to be 'talked about behind their back'
In a conversation nobody NEEDS to know other peoples opinions but that is kind of how a conversation is DeWe so while she didn't NEED to know my DDs opinions, it was part of the conversation

OP posts:
Original poster
Opalite · 20/10/2013 22:39

I think it would be more unhealthy to never speak about their dads and if there's not really anything good to say then unfortunately it will be negative

OP posts:
Spirulina · 20/10/2013 22:47

He's 10! Think about him and his feelings.... Not how YOU feel about his dad. Poor boy

BasilBabyEater · 20/10/2013 22:48

" I don't think that's how any 16 year old should talk in front of guests. With friends they can say what they fucking well want!"

She may have thought she was among friends. Her mother's friends are her's IYSWIM. teenagers aren't so good at distinguishing the various gradations of friendships we have with each other.

Still no answer to tiredlady's question then?

Original poster
Opalite · 20/10/2013 22:49

Eh? As I said he has formed his OWN opinions of his dad... Why is he a 'poor boy'? Confused sorry but can you please explain?

OP posts:
BasilBabyEater · 20/10/2013 22:50

LOL at Spirulina telling a mother to think about her boy's feelings.

I expect that's never occurred to her before, what a good thing you're here to advise her.

Hmm
BasilBabyEater · 20/10/2013 22:50

Won't somebody think of the feeeeeeeelings!

YoniGetAnOohWithTyphoo · 20/10/2013 22:54

maybe just speak to the woman and explain the hurt that has led to your daughter saying those things. many people believe you should never speak ill of your parents (e.g. religious types with the 'honour thy father and mother' etc) and she maybe assumed your values on the matter were similar and you'd support her jumping in.

i have had people say the same to me when i have (deservedly) criticised my father, and i'm 27! so i don't think it was necessarily a uniquely personal attack on your daughter as such, just a woman who hasn't considered people may have different values on this topic.

GreenShadow · 20/10/2013 22:58

I don't consider Twat much of a swear word. I'd use it but would never use C**T.

VanitasVanitatum · 20/10/2013 23:02

I would never think it was acceptable to 'tell off' someone else's 16 year old in their own home. If the OP, as her mother, is happy with her behaviour it has nothing to do with anyone else. Sounds like her father is an emotive subject for her, and at her age it must be a tricky thing to deal with. To be able to honestly express herself in her own home is surely important. She obviously felt comfortable enough with this visitor to say it, it's a shame that the friend told her off like a child instead of engaging her like an adult. No parent deserves respect simply for the genetic contribution they make.

BasilBabyEater · 20/10/2013 23:06

I also think it's terribly insulting to her mother tbh.

a) she may be perfectly OK with the expression and content of her DD's views, in which case, what on earth do you think you're doing arrogating to yourself the disapproving parent role?

b) she may not be happy, but chooses to deal with it in her own way, in her own time, in private, later on, by speaking to her DD about it when the family are alone. In which case, what on earth are you doing interfering where you have no business?

BasilBabyEater · 20/10/2013 23:07

Either way, it really is very rude and I am surprised that so many people would also feel free to be that rude.

MissBattleaxe · 20/10/2013 23:26
  • I don't think that's how any 16 year old should talk in front of guests. With friends they can say what they fucking well want!"

She may have thought she was among friends. Her mother's friends are her's IYSWIM. teenagers aren't so good at distinguishing the various gradations of friendships we have with each other.

Still no answer to tiredlady's question then?*

I meant the teenager can talk how she likes in front of her own friends, but not in front of her mother's guest.

HerrenaHarridan · 20/10/2013 23:26

Eh?

This thread has really made me laugh.

Please pass the smelling salts Grin

BasilBabyEater · 20/10/2013 23:30

But Miss Battleaxe, isn't that for her mother to decide?

And for her mother to deal with in her own way?

Retroformica · 21/10/2013 00:06

Twat - horrible language and awful coming from a child, the 'twats' daughter in fact.

I would actually find it very offensive to be made to listen to such vile language - no matter who said it. I'm sure the lady also would object to anyone saying it - not just your DD.

Your daughter could have used much more creative and interesting language to describe her dad. Twat is a cop out!

Libertine73 · 21/10/2013 00:27

Retro she didn't have a problem with the language, as op has said, she had a problem with the dd talking about her dad in a disrespectful way.

I think it's the dds house, her dad, and her and her mother's acceptable level of language, the friend has no right to censor her opinions

Original poster
Opalite · 21/10/2013 07:44

Retro, as Libertine says and as I mentioned a few times in the thread, this woman didn't express an issue with the language used
I'm sure she could have used more creative and interesting language but in a casual setting like that and keeping in mind that she's 16 and not a small child, I don't think it's that relevant

OP posts:
MissBattleaxe · 21/10/2013 07:58

Basil- yes the friend shouldn't have told the daughter off, but if I was the friend I would have thought it was bad manners and uncouth language in front of a guest.

BasilBabyEater · 21/10/2013 08:03

But the OP didn't ask if posters thought her DD's language was uncouth in front of the guest.

She specifically asked about the guest's behaviour and whether she should drop her because of it.

I know it's irresistable for a contingent of posters to come on and say "My children are considerably better behaved than yow-ers" but the OP wasn't soliciting opinions about that.

JumpingJackSprat · 21/10/2013 08:08

I would never have had the bad manners to swear in front of my parents and far far less likely in front of theirfriends Whether she was right to say negative stuff about her dad is fairly irrelevant in my opinion, sounds like your daughter was rude.