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AIBU?

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Original poster

To fall out with her over this and stop speaking to her

157 replies

Opalite · 20/10/2013 19:25

This woman who I met not too long ago but have been getting on well was round at my house, my DD, the woman and I were sitting outside and part of the conversation was my DD calling her dad and DSs dad 'useless twats' and a few other things. This is when the woman started saying you shouldnt speak about your dad like that, it's disrespectful and you wouldn't be here without him and loads of other crap. I was pissed off because firstly she was in our home telling my 16 year old DD what she should and shouldn't do and secondly because DD should be allowed to say her opinion about a person...
It made me feel really uncomfortable but I didn't shout at her or anything, I just said something like 'no, she can say what she wants and she's right etc.' then I said 'we should really get ready to go out now dd' and said to her that me and dd will be busy now, bye etc

We havent known each other for too long, I do have to see her very regularly though! I am wondering if I should just tell her I don't want to have much to do with her any more OR if I'm actually being unreasonable

OP posts:
TheHouseCleaner · 20/10/2013 20:28

Sorry, I pressed send too soon.

The people who are saying that the 16 year old shouldn't be speaking of a parent like that, I need to know some things.

Are you taking into account the (pretty realistic) possibility that the father has done something to warrant being viewed as a twat by his daughter?

Do you and your own children all come from happy backgrounds where there would be no need to be disparaging about your father/the father of your children?

If the father has been violent, abusive, had left the OP and her child without support or financial assistance and sat back and watched them struggle is it still ok for someone who is not part of the family to tell the young woman how to speak in her own home?

I'm not trying to goad, I'm genuinely interested in how people come to the conclusion that they wouldn't support their near adult daughter in these circumstances and why they'd decide to allow someone else to step in and, by admonishing their daughter, parent for them.

ImperialBlether · 20/10/2013 20:31

I find it odd that people object to their children being criticised - what do they think happens in work during appraisals or in school?

I'd expect my friends to think what the OP's friend said and they would probably say it, too. It is disrespectful.

I've never ever criticised my ex husband to my children - and that doesn't make me holier than thou - it is really important to me that they have a good relationship with him and they won't have that if I'm slagging him off to them. I wouldn't put up with them talking about him like that, either. If they were unhappy with their relationship I'd expect a decent conversation, not just them calling him a twat.

Floggingmolly · 20/10/2013 20:31

You probably don't need to worry about avoiding her in future, op.
You'll probably find she gives you a swerve.
I would.

tiredlady · 20/10/2013 20:32

Jesus! Why is everyone being so prissy?
The girl is 16 not 6
She described her dad as a "twat" not as a "fucking cunt"
A collective grip needs to be had

ImperialBlether · 20/10/2013 20:33

TheHouseCleaner, if a 16 year old said, "I don't have any time for my dad. He doesn't see us regularly and doesn't support my mum" then that would be sad but acceptable, but if she just said, "My dad's a twat" then that's different.

tiredlady · 20/10/2013 20:33

Oh, and if her dad was an actual fucking cunt, then she would be well withing her rights to describe him as such

CoffeeTea103 · 20/10/2013 20:33

I don't think it's about the word used, it's about being respectful around people.

HopeS01 · 20/10/2013 20:34

I second tired

MissBattleaxe · 20/10/2013 20:34

Imperial Blether- that's what I wanted to say.

Original poster
Opalite · 20/10/2013 20:35

Floggingmolly she has contacted me since this
I did try to handle the situation fairly, I didn't insult her or get angry

OP posts:
SeaSickSal · 20/10/2013 20:35

YABU

I think it's really bad form to start slagging off family members and airing dirty family laundry in front of them. Purely because it puts the visitor in an awkward situation and is embarrassing.

It's just pure bad manners, the poor woman probably didn't know where to put herself.

Also if a 16 year old spoke like that in front of me I'd think they'd been dragged up and it would make me want to distance myself from the entire family lest I be unwittingly dragged into an episode of Jeremy Kyle.

SeaSickSal · 20/10/2013 20:37

Also OP have you not noticed that it's slightly rude to you also, given her opinion on your taste in men and the father's you've picked for your children?

Original poster
Opalite · 20/10/2013 20:37

What my DD said was 100% relevant to our conversation

OP posts:
tiredlady · 20/10/2013 20:37

Who are these people going round in society that can't cope with hearing swear words?
Fair enough, they have the right to admonish someone using bad language in their own home or in front of young dc, but in someone else's house? Really?

Spirulina · 20/10/2013 20:37

So how does your son feel about his dad also being referred to in this way? How lovely for him....

Original poster
Opalite · 20/10/2013 20:38

SeaSickSal I don't think it's rude to me at all personally

OP posts:
CoffeeTea103 · 20/10/2013 20:38

What seasicksal said. Bad manners, airing dirty laundry, it's not the word she used but her lack of being respectful around people.

Tiredmumno1 · 20/10/2013 20:39

imperial sometimes things ain't always that simple really. There could be a damn good reason why she feels like that. I don't mean that he used to pick her up late for visits or not at all. but quite frankly it's not our business. If that's how her dd feels that's up to her.

Original poster
Opalite · 20/10/2013 20:40

Spirulina he agrees in his own way, he words things differently to DD but it's a mutual thing. He knows that what his dad is like doesn't reflect onto him.

OP posts:
BasilBabyEater · 20/10/2013 20:40

I find it fairly amazing that people can see that the 16 year old was bad mannered to "air her dirty linen" in public (FFS where are you? The 1950's?) but not that it is extraordinarily bad mannered to tell a 16 year old to be respectful about an older relative when you know absolutely nothing about them.

The 16 year old's excuse is that she's a stroppy teenager. So what's the presumptious adult woman's excuse?

HopeS01 · 20/10/2013 20:40

Coffee, respectful? The friend was a visitor in the OP's house, her DDs home! It is disrespectful of her to challenge a 16YO in front if her mother! Doesn't the friend think the OP would have pulled her DD up on her language if it had been a problem!? Why does everyone think their ways of parenting are always the best? Women are often way too critical of other women, we're all trying our best and a 16YO saying "twat" really isn't a reflection of her as a person OR HER MOTHER'S SKILLS AS A PARENT

TheHouseCleaner · 20/10/2013 20:41

Thank you ImperialBlether. I don't agree with you in this instance, I'm there with usualsuspect and tiredlady but thank you. Smile

SelfRighteousPrissyPants · 20/10/2013 20:42

I don't think YABU as it's your house and family.

The word does matter though- I only found out recently on MN that in some parts of the country twat = twit and in others =cunt. So her reaction might depend on where you were respectively bought up.

MissBattleaxe · 20/10/2013 20:42

Yes. Imperial and Seasick Sal have articulated what I was thinking.

I think that airing family laundry in front of visitors makes them feel awkward, the use of the language would shock me a bit if I was a visitor, and OP, your lack of action in not reproaching her is almost an encouragement of her slagging off her Dad.

Now her Dad may well be a useless twat, and what she said may be true, but there are more polite ways of articulating that.

You sound very gracious about not "insulting her" or "getting angry".

As the child of divorced parents who ripped each other to shreds, I don't think the other parent should be disparaged in front of the child if it can be avoided.

ZZZenagain · 20/10/2013 20:42

strange situation, she is not a very harmonious person to be around by the sounds of things.

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