Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To fall out with her over this and stop speaking to her

157 replies

Opalite · 20/10/2013 19:25

This woman who I met not too long ago but have been getting on well was round at my house, my DD, the woman and I were sitting outside and part of the conversation was my DD calling her dad and DSs dad 'useless twats' and a few other things. This is when the woman started saying you shouldnt speak about your dad like that, it's disrespectful and you wouldn't be here without him and loads of other crap. I was pissed off because firstly she was in our home telling my 16 year old DD what she should and shouldn't do and secondly because DD should be allowed to say her opinion about a person...
It made me feel really uncomfortable but I didn't shout at her or anything, I just said something like 'no, she can say what she wants and she's right etc.' then I said 'we should really get ready to go out now dd' and said to her that me and dd will be busy now, bye etc

We havent known each other for too long, I do have to see her very regularly though! I am wondering if I should just tell her I don't want to have much to do with her any more OR if I'm actually being unreasonable

OP posts:
perplexedpirate · 20/10/2013 19:44

Then I'd just let it fizzle out.
I'd be furious if someone censored my child like that.

comewinewithmoi · 20/10/2013 19:45

Yabu.

SchroSawMargeryDaw · 20/10/2013 19:45

YABU

I probably wouldn't have said anything in her situation but at the same time I wouldn't be in a hurry to meet with you again (definitely not if I had my children with me).

I have said all sorts about my Mother, definitely a lot worse than calling her a useless twat and even before I turned 16. I wouldn't have said it in front of guests at my house though, that's just disrespectful and rude.

I know I would have been in trouble for saying it in front of my family too, even if they were thinking it.

HopeS01 · 20/10/2013 19:45

For all we and the new friend know the dads might be twats. What if her dad was abusive? (I'm not making assumptions, just an example) I wouldn't blame her!!!

In all honesty I wouldn't even say that word in front of my mum now (and I'm a grown woman!) but households have very different views on language and who are we to judge?

tiredlady · 20/10/2013 19:46

Good grief.
She's 16 not 6.
Twat is hardly the most offensive word out there.
If her dad is indeed a twat, then she has the right to describe him as such.
That woman had no idea of what the background story might have been (could be DV, abuse, addiction, neglect), therefore she had no business telling your dd what she could and couldn't say about her own father.

Original poster
Opalite · 20/10/2013 19:46

They ARE twats though if that counts for anything

OP posts:
comewinewithmoi · 20/10/2013 19:47

Tbh, I think your friend should think about wether she wishes to cut ties with you.

usualsuspect · 20/10/2013 19:47

Your mate should keep her opinions to herself.

YANBU.

Original poster
Opalite · 20/10/2013 19:48

She didn't mention the use of language, her problem was with dd saying negative things about her dad.

She has contacted me since this via text (unrelated to the OP)

OP posts:
SchroSawMargeryDaw · 20/10/2013 19:48

That's true Hope, I was brought up to never swear in front of anyone swear like a trooper now though. Lots of my friends were allowed to swear and it hasn't done them any harm.

Personal opinion, I guess.

usualsuspect · 20/10/2013 19:48

Well if they are twats you are definitely not being unreasonable.

I'm sure a 16 year old saying twat wouldn't have me clutching my pearls.

Famzilla · 20/10/2013 19:49

I get why it has annoyed you. Someone asked me at my recent wedding why my mother wasn't there and my answer was "because she's a bitch".

I didn't want to go into extensive detail about how abusive my childhood was, and how I had to go NC after she was threatening to come to my house and "wipe the floor" with me when I was alone with 4mo DD. They should have respected that but instead gave me a massive dressing down about how I should have more respect for her etc.

I smiled and nodded but I now think a lot less of them.

DorrisM · 20/10/2013 19:51

Not the most offensive word out there? Are you sure you know what it means? I suggest you look it up.

chattychattyboomba · 20/10/2013 19:51

I think I understand a bit how you feel...it seems your daughter has some hurt there to use such strong language...and you (knowing the history) wanted to defend her and make her feel validated...but I also think a 16 year old calling anyone a twat would be pretty shocking for someone to hear. I think also, and I don't know you, but how you dealt with the situation does sound a little hasty and reactive. Try to remember that other people don't have that kind of back ground and might be taken aback by your views. If you want to continue the friendship (which I doubt you do) perhaps a heart to heart about where the anger is coming from will bring more understanding. If you care,

clemetteattlee · 20/10/2013 19:52

Twat means the same as cunt though - slang word for vagina. Would be enough to get them ejected from a classroom!

usualsuspect · 20/10/2013 19:53

A 16 year old saying twat is hardly shocking

Easyonthetonic · 20/10/2013 19:53

Are you saying that the two men you have chosen to have children with are useless twats and it is reasonable for her to say so?

If their actions in the past confirm this and you agree then maybe it's not unreasonable.

LouiseAderyn · 20/10/2013 19:53

I think your dd has every right to air her own opinion in her own house!

And if you are okay with her choice of word, then that's good enough.

I would not be happy about someone else telling my child what they could and couldn't say - it really is overstepping appropriate boundaries.

Spirulina · 20/10/2013 19:54

I think you need to choose your men more carefully to be honest.

Original poster
Opalite · 20/10/2013 19:55

Thanks for that Spirulina Hmm

OP posts:
RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 20/10/2013 19:55

I really do think that a 16 year old girl talking to her mother's new friend, in front of her mother, and the mother accepting her slinging the word, 'twat' about is shocking. I don't imagine there are many 16 year olds who don't swear around their friends, but most of them would probably have the sense not to do it around their parents ime.

SPsTombRaidingWithCliff · 20/10/2013 19:56

Spirulina That has fuck all to do with the OP

usualsuspect · 20/10/2013 19:57

Oh just ignore Spiralina.

There's always one who likes to stick the boot in.

usualsuspect · 20/10/2013 19:58

Not everyone considers twat to be a shocking swear word.

JessePinkmansWitch · 20/10/2013 19:59

YANBU. When my DSD was around 16 she frequently described her mother as a twat (which is putting it mildly TBH). The woman shouldn't have butted in especially if she knows the history.