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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be livid my DH has just told me to get a job

123 replies

strawberriesandplumbs · 19/10/2013 00:12

I have my own business working from home, I work a few hours a day and although don't make a fortune I earn more than when I worked part time. We have two DC and I do all the housework, shopping, dog walking ect. DCs are young teenagers but I deal with all the school stuff and day to day stuff. DH will occasionally pick dd1 up at night from friends. He does work hard but I do think he sees no value at all in what I do. Usually I shrug it off but tonight he hugely pissed me off by saying that after giving me money to shop he had only had beans in today to eat. Developed into a big row, mostly on my part but basically he said get out and get a job. He is a workaholic and thinks down time is dead time. Is he been unreasonable to want me to work every hour of daylight like he does. I like to stop and smell the daisies.

OP posts:
ICameOnTheJitney · 19/10/2013 00:15

Well are you struggling financially as a family? If so, maybe you DO need a job...Why were only beans to eat? I also work from home and manage to do the shopping and housework too.

ZZZenagain · 19/10/2013 00:18

but if she has her own business working from home, she does have a Job/is contributing to the family income.

Is your business not bringing in much money or does he not consider it a proper Job?

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/10/2013 00:18

Are you smelling the daisies and living on money he works out of the home for? Are there only beans to eat? Do you have many more hours 'off' than him?

Original poster
strawberriesandplumbs · 19/10/2013 00:20

Sorry should of said that was only what he could manage to make himself as I didn't cook as I was busy working. He expects me to feed him.

OP posts:
Bunbaker · 19/10/2013 00:20

He gives you money to shop?!!! This isn't the 1950s. Why don't you have a joint bank account and separate savings accounts?

Original poster
strawberriesandplumbs · 19/10/2013 00:21

I do work. And we are financially secure.

OP posts:
HulaHooperStormTrooper · 19/10/2013 00:21

Are you me?!

I work from home. I see working as a way to make enough money to enjoy life.. as long as what needs paying gets paid then everything else is a bonus.

OH works hard for his money and makes a LOT more than me, he pays mortgage and bills and gives me money monthly for the food shop. Because he pays, I can stay at home and be available for the DC and I tend to do the lions share of the housework etc but make enough to pay for ME things (my car, my personal bills and buy stuff I want to for myself and the kids).

God forbid he go to the fridge and there not be anything there he can grab though, sheesh! Most of the time it works fine actually but occasionally his resentment at me being home all day shines through and he will ask whether I am getting a job.. errrr I make more money doing what I do (and I love it a LOT) than if I were to work elsewhere!!

Anyway I ramble, do you think your current set up is fair on both of you?

ZZZenagain · 19/10/2013 00:23

you know he is BU if you work already and there are no financial difficulties. There is no obvious reason for you to get a job in addition to what you already do as far as I can see. Obviously though he thinks you have a cushy life and resents it.

Coupon · 19/10/2013 00:24

YANBU. You already have a job and there's nothing wrong with wanting a healthy work-life balance.

ICameOnTheJitney · 19/10/2013 00:24

So if you work and are financially secure...why would he tell you to get a job? Confused

Original poster
strawberriesandplumbs · 19/10/2013 00:26

Hula yes this sounds very familiar. He loves his job and works a lot of hours happily. I earn just about half his wage but I do everything else. His issue is the hours I work, I do think he thinks I and everyone else should work and nothing else.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 19/10/2013 00:29

I'm in a similar position and work from home (just finished for the night ) and think it pays for itself because of the flexibility I have with running the house and pandering to the DDs.

DH has said similar things to me because the work I do is very low paid, but if I slog I can bring home a pretty decent monthly wage, and DH thinks I could do less work for more money.

I didn't take this well because even though he's right, it was like he was saying that if I got a better paid job for less hours I could do more housework and he wouldn't have to do the extra Hmm (which is how the subject came up)

It also didn't acknowledge that I was putting in long hours for crap pay for all of us - which he did apologise off his own back for the twat

He's definitely had trouble adjusting to the roles we've both played for so long changing, and even though I wanted to clock him one didn't take what he said very well, I thought afterwards that maybe he was just trying to say what was on his mind.

It's not for anyone to tell you to get a job, but it's OK for your DH to wonder what direction both your lives are going in and have a preference for one thing over another. Whether you agree or not is for you to decide, but maybe he's just sick of being skint and wants the fun of planning what to do with the extra cash?

Original poster
strawberriesandplumbs · 19/10/2013 00:30

I love my work life balance and often think Yey I'm doing ok in this life. Then he craps it up with the guilt trip. ZZZ I ghink that's a bit of it but I worked hard to start my business and I did it to get this balance. I'm just pissed he's raining on my parade.

OP posts:
HulaHooperStormTrooper · 19/10/2013 00:33

Yup. Just the same here, its fairly low pay but I love being at home and the freedom I have with it

freedom like I have just finished work lol

Bogeyface · 19/10/2013 00:35

Sorry should of said that was only what he could manage to make himself as I didn't cook as I was busy working. He expects me to feed him.

so basically you can do whatever you like as long as you don your pinny and have his dinner on the table when he gets home? Presumably if you did get a job with the same hours as him he would not take on half of the home based work you do now with the kids, shopping, admin, housework etc?

Tell him a) to fuck off and b) that the 1950's called and said can they have their sexism back please.

Iaintdunnuffink · 19/10/2013 00:37

Yes dear I will. This is the list of things we'll have to cover equally between us. Ps on number one on ,the list is ; thinking about all the boring crap that needs to be done.

Bogeyface · 19/10/2013 00:37

Actually maybe you could broach it like that.

Say that yes, you will get a job working the same hours but that you want to sit down and work out an equitable division of labour in the home and "oh by the way, you will have to start taking time off for dentist appoinments and when the kids are ill".

He will back pedal so fast you could run the national grid!

Original poster
strawberriesandplumbs · 19/10/2013 00:38

Bunbaker. Sorry just read your post. That was a random one off which probably kicked it off. We do all joint accounts with separate business accounts.

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 19/10/2013 00:43

So he told you to get a job on top of the paid employment you already have because you were working and couldn't cook him dinner?

If he belonged to me he would be wearing his dinner.

Bogeyface · 19/10/2013 00:46

Sock You have got to love that logic havent you?

"You didnt get my dinner because you were working so go and get a better job, that will teach because then you......wont....be able to err.......shit."

:o

Original poster
strawberriesandplumbs · 19/10/2013 00:49

He will ask me what I have done each day and I feel like I need a timetable to present. I work, I walk, I cook. I'm happy. But I feel guilty for that. Twat. Ps. He is a good sort but should of been a line manager in a Victorian workhouse.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 19/10/2013 00:57

The time management thing is very controlling, I don't think DH has ever asked me what I've done in the day in 13 years, and I'd be giving him short shrift if he did Shock

The cheeky fuck!

If he was asking you how your day had gone in a chit chat way then fair enough, but he's asking you to account for yourself, totally different.

Definitely make a deliberate choice not to play that game. First thing that came into my mind was write down everything you do in the day, but that would be pandering to the idea that he gets to micromanage you from afar, fuck that! You're not an employee.

Getting all bolshy on your behalf Grin

Don't let the guilt spoil you enjoying what you're doing, although you'll probably find something else to feel guilty about then...

Googleit · 19/10/2013 01:03

Whats wrong with getting a dinner ready for him if you are at home and obviously enjoying that lifestyle. He earns the more between you and works the longer hours. The least you could do is organise your time to have a meal ready. It doesnt take that long if you are at home and your dcs are teenagers. I would be pissed off as well if i gave my other half cash for food and came home after a long day at work to make my own beans.

Darkesteyes · 19/10/2013 01:04

"You didnt get my dinner because you were working so go and get a better job, that will teach because then you......wont....be able to err.......shit."

Is he a Tory as well as sexist.....because this reminds me of their logic.

catinboots · 19/10/2013 01:08

Your DH works very long hours.

Your DCs are teenagers.

There was only beans to eat today.

You like to loaf about, working PT and sniffing flowers.

YABU

Get a proper job.