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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be livid my DH has just told me to get a job

123 replies

strawberriesandplumbs · 19/10/2013 00:12

I have my own business working from home, I work a few hours a day and although don't make a fortune I earn more than when I worked part time. We have two DC and I do all the housework, shopping, dog walking ect. DCs are young teenagers but I deal with all the school stuff and day to day stuff. DH will occasionally pick dd1 up at night from friends. He does work hard but I do think he sees no value at all in what I do. Usually I shrug it off but tonight he hugely pissed me off by saying that after giving me money to shop he had only had beans in today to eat. Developed into a big row, mostly on my part but basically he said get out and get a job. He is a workaholic and thinks down time is dead time. Is he been unreasonable to want me to work every hour of daylight like he does. I like to stop and smell the daisies.

OP posts:
Grennie · 19/10/2013 02:44

strawberries - does he realise if you worked more hours, he would have to do his sahre of housework and sorting out the kids? Maybe suggest you split it 50:50 for a trial week - I doubt he will still be bringing this up when he realises the implications for him.

Dobbiesmum · 19/10/2013 10:32

I'm almost glad someone else had this conversation recently with their 'D'H, sorry but at least I'm not the only one!
Difference is that mine rolled home from the bloody pub and asked me what I did all day... This on a week when we're had a rolling register of DC's off with one of those sickness bugs I actually had to walk out of the room otherwise I would have thrown something at him. We are currently not speaking, I can't trust myself to say anything.
I do work from home and he can't quite get his head round the fact that if I got a 'proper' job, ie one outside the home he would have to massively Change the way he organises his own time and wouldn't be able to join in with the after work stuff that he does (there's quite a bit of schmoozing client involved in his job), plus the fact that everything available locally at the moment is very minimum wage and the money I earned would end up going on babysitting or nursery fees as DD2 isn't old enough for the free hours yet...

CailinDana · 19/10/2013 10:52

It doesn't matter one bit whose money is whose and how many hours each person works and all that detail - what it all comes down to is simple, basic respect. As long as both partners feel respected then issues like this just don't arise. If he had respect for you Op he would come to you and tell you in a kind way that he knows you work hard but he was disappointed about there being no dinner cooked. In fact a respectful partner would just assume you were too busy and not bother you. As it stands your dh seems ti assume you're lazy and that he has the right to kick you up the arse over it. That attitude is what needs to be addressed.

Beastofburden · 19/10/2013 11:14

There are some inconvenient truths for you both to face up to.

One is- yes, your life is easier and more pleasant than his. Actually, that is not a criticism. You planned it intelligently to be this way. I would demonstrate to him what you would need to earn pretax in order to pay for cleaning etc, and still have left what you currently earn. I don't think you can fairly include the costs of childcare, when your DC are so old, but there may be some other costs of that kind you could include. That is your effective wage, so far as the family is concerned. Could you plausibly earn more than that full-time? Do you have the right qualifications to do that?

Secondly- it sounds as if you are slightly off balance, if there were only beans to eat. YABU not to deal with this. It's one thing contributing equally in a way that he undervalues and needs to have explained to him. It's another thing if he has to work flat out and still has a lousy lifestyle at the end of it. It might not be so unreasonable that you should up the effort you put into your business so you make a bit more, or take on a few extra hours at something else to improve the budget if the business isn't doing so well. Or maybe you need to take an honest look at how you spend this money.

Thirdly- he likes working hard and it makes him feel validated. Nt everyone feels that way. He needs to recognise that he will be grateful in later life that his kids are OK and you still have some friends and hobbies, because if both parents followed his pattern, it wouldn't be like that.

Lastly, it can be harsh being the main breadwinner. It feels as if the whole structure is on your shoulders forever. Even if he loves to work, it can be oppressive thinking nobody else is going to pick up some of that load, ever. Because whatever we may all feel about parenting being valuable, the fact is that parenting doesn't buy food or pay rent. Working and earning do that.

helzapoppin2 · 19/10/2013 11:29

IMHO, "Go and get a job" is a phrase that trips lightly off the tongue, usually when the brain is disconnected. I bet Dh didn't give much thought before he said as to how he would fit in his 50% share of the housework and shopping first!

LadyMedea · 19/10/2013 11:33

pom I'm with you that posts like this make me sad and think that DH and I are the exception. We've been partners in life since we moved in together... Joint money, joint effort in pursuing the life we want, same values etc. I just feel blessed. Things are not perfect, I have a long term illness too, and we've been through some very rough times but I'm glad I don't have to deal with this kind of petty crap on a day to day basis.

Birdsgottafly · 19/10/2013 11:36

"Yeah get divorced lose your comfy lifestyle mess up your kids lives and be forced to get a full time job...just because you cant or wont organise a meal..thats clever."

I think that you have all missed that, that aplies to the DH, as well, except he would have to work less hours (to fit in seeing the children) and then cook for all of them, all because he cannot organise a meal.

You can't say who has the better lifestyle, the DH is a workaholic, so enjoys that role, the OP is the one who has to adapt to being both a home runner, primary parent and an earner.

I bet if you count up since the first pregnancy who has got to do exactly what they want, the OP has had less choice in how she spends her time.

OP, it is time to reavaluate both your roles and get it all straight about expectations and the value you attach to each other's roles. I don't see how any parent doesn't count in their children's needs being met, as they grow and them having a happy, positive upbringing because of one parent dropping to part time work.

Scrounger · 19/10/2013 11:51

Agree with Birdsgottafly. I would like to add though that your DH may be feeling the strain being the larger wage earner, even though he enjoys the job, if he cannot earn his wage the family is massively impacted. Whilst you earn, the impact isn't as great if you lose that income. (BTW as a family we are in the same position - although I am currently looking for work).

Also, he had beans for one meal, this is a problem for him? Seriously how hard is it to make a pasta sauce or get a takeaway. It is one meal.

Birdsgottafly · 19/10/2013 11:59

Lady and Pom, I also think that many couples (and people in general as some of the replies show) think of a life partnership, not as two people finding someone that they want to share the same life path with and create the environment that they want for their family, but similar to a employment contract.

I agree that as life changes, the roles within the family need to adjust, but there should be appreciation for what has been achieved and why they both have had the ability to get were they are, either in life, or work.

Doingakatereddy · 19/10/2013 12:04

Very good post from beastofburden, I'd say reading that a few times would be a good start

anonacfr · 19/10/2013 12:11

Secondly- the OP clearly says her 'D'H had beans because it was the only thing he could handle 'cooking'.

pianodoodle · 19/10/2013 12:14

If your husband had a skill that enabled him to work p/t hours for good money I bet he'd be really pleased with himself and want due praise.

How annoying for him that it was you who struck upon the idea!

Apileofballyhoo · 19/10/2013 12:15

Shame such an intelligent, hardworking, responsible man can't cook.

pianodoodle · 19/10/2013 12:16

P.s we love a nice beans on toast night round here.

He makes it seem an awful chore. Did he pick the beans by hand? I tend to just empty a tin into a saucepan.

Custardo · 19/10/2013 12:17

so if you are financially secure - the question i would ask him is why?

I think the answer is jealousy - despite being a workaholic ( which presumes he wouldn't do anything differently even if you got a job) he is still jealous of the time you get - i would ask him why.

sashh · 19/10/2013 14:58

Well you obviously do not have time to get a job because you are running around after him.

Call his bluff. Book yourself away somewhere for a week, alone. Tell him you have a new job but that you need to go away for a week's training.

He will have to organise childcare, ironing, cooking etc etc.

Then go away and ignore him for a week - too busy learning new stuff.

HereComesHoneyBooBooDragon · 19/10/2013 15:03

Are beans a very bad thing then?

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 19/10/2013 15:25

I would say to him... 'You know what, I've been thinking and you are right. I will go and get a fulltime job outside the house. I think it would be good for both of us :) so I have written down all the things we are going to need to get done between us with a suggestion of who does them, but I'm happy to listen if there are jobs you'd like to us to swap with each other :)' The make a list of all the things you do now and how they would be shared out. Make sure he's doing equal housework/cooking/running around. S'only fair!

SuperStrength · 19/10/2013 15:48

I agree with Beast too.
I disagree with posters who suggest that you 'threaten' you DH with all the household chores he will have to do if you don't, as it assumes that he will have an issue with getting a better work/life balance, maybe that's what he's after.
I don't work as much as I used to, although I still work FT. However, taking a step back professionally means I don't need a nanny or a cleaner & I love it. I hated outsourcing my life, my kids. It didn't work for me so I made changes. My DH & I now have much more of a partnership. I don't work balls out anymore, we both work & share the good & the bad that comes with having a family & running a house. I advocate sharing the load in all repects.

Alisvolatpropiis · 19/10/2013 15:51

Tell him to fuck off!

YourHandInMyHand · 19/10/2013 16:13

I'd be irked too. If you are comfortable financially then he needs to chill out a bit. It sounds like you have very different priorities.

Would any of you that work from home mind telling me what you do?

pointyfangs · 19/10/2013 17:25

There weren't 'only' beans to eat. He just could not be arsed to cook himself a meal. Which makes him a twat on this particular occasion - if I'm working from home and DH is around (ergo not working) then he most certainly does not expect me to put aside my work and cook his dinner. Don't know how the OP's DH is the rest of the time though.

I do think negotiations are needed and a worked out 'business plan' detailing the extra costs that a 'proper' Hmm job would bring will help.

Bloody hell, is it 1950s blokes season on MN or what?

paxtecum · 19/10/2013 18:00

Op: did you not cook dinner for your DCs and yourself?
Could you not have cooked another portion for DH?

What time does he leave home in the morning and get back at night?
How do you divide your earnings?

Just trying to get a better idea of the balance of your marriage.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 19/10/2013 18:42

But you have a job, it seems like he doesn't value you.

hettienne · 19/10/2013 18:50

I work full time out of the home and DP works part time (though not by much) from home - he usually has dinner on the table when I get home but if for some reason he had a busy day and was still working at that time I wouldn't throw a strop about it!