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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be livid my DH has just told me to get a job

123 replies

strawberriesandplumbs · 19/10/2013 00:12

I have my own business working from home, I work a few hours a day and although don't make a fortune I earn more than when I worked part time. We have two DC and I do all the housework, shopping, dog walking ect. DCs are young teenagers but I deal with all the school stuff and day to day stuff. DH will occasionally pick dd1 up at night from friends. He does work hard but I do think he sees no value at all in what I do. Usually I shrug it off but tonight he hugely pissed me off by saying that after giving me money to shop he had only had beans in today to eat. Developed into a big row, mostly on my part but basically he said get out and get a job. He is a workaholic and thinks down time is dead time. Is he been unreasonable to want me to work every hour of daylight like he does. I like to stop and smell the daisies.

OP posts:
marriedinwhiteisback · 19/10/2013 21:16

I can't think of anything helpful to say. I work full-time and do most the home stuff (and I'm happy with that because DH works much harder than me; I have help, etc) and get lambasted on here because I don't think he should be doing house stuff. But, even though he gives me money to buy food he doesn't complain if the fridge is empty and he knows that everyone looks after themselves for lunch. He has never said "go out and get a job" except when I wasn't working and was taking on more and more voluntary stuff for nothing and he gently suggested that some people were taking the piss and I was under as much pressure as I would be if I had been in paid work from 9-3.

Peacocklady · 19/10/2013 21:38

I work full time and I'm doing a uni course while DH works from home as an artist and picks up the kids walks the dog etc. he earns a lot less than before when he was in a job he hated but I'm just so grateful not to have to worry if the kids are ill or something and that they have their home and their dad around. We have less but it's nicer for sure.
As for not having tea made, erm possibly if I was knackered I'd get stressed about mess but not about not having tea ready (it often is and we like our family teas) but I like to cook too.
In conclusion YANBU your DH is being a dick and should be grateful you are there looking out for the kids and building up a business so he can have a stress free time working out of the home.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 19/10/2013 21:44

The bit of the OP that stands out for me is I like to stop and smell the daisies

Surely most people do?

Does DH get time to do this too? If not, I'm not surprised he resents your lifestyle.

poorincashrichinlove · 19/10/2013 21:55

When I worked full time & DH worked part time I'm ashamed to say I was a bit like your DH op. Full of resentment! Now the tables are turned I'm much happier. Being the primary earner carries pressure. Not excusing your DH though, he was a knob!

Bogeyface · 19/10/2013 22:15

ATruth I think she means that she isnt focussed 100% on work as he is. Life work balance.

He doesnt have that unless the OP has his tea on the table.

katykuns · 19/10/2013 22:16

I think he sounds unreasonable and selfish, however I have said things I regret in hunger Wink I can be a grumpy bastard.

TrueStory · 19/10/2013 22:21

OP probably gone, as the work ethic posters take an accusatory tone/turn ...

The beans issue! So, your loving husband comes home one night and you've been busy, tired, whatever, and one time he has to make himself some beans. I mean, call 999!

You sound like you have created a work-life balance that suits you. If your husband resents that, then maybe you need to discuss with him what the issues are, they may be his issues as another poster says, his resentments, that have nothing to do with you. If he is a workaholic, why is that? It could be because he enjoys his work, or it could be a lot of other things. Does he appreciate the energy you put into the home? Or does he resent that? Who does he think cleans and shops and cooks, exactly? Maybe take a month off that, and see if he fancies taking over ...

You keep on smelling the daisies, OP, and good luck Smile. If other folk are too busy, their choice.

AgentZigzag · 19/10/2013 22:23

'I'm not surprised he resents your lifestyle'

Surely he should be glad she's happy doing what she's doing, why does she have to be like him? She's not a clone of him that needs programming.

I was thinking that about how I am when I'm hungry Katy Grin

But that only counts until you get the food, OPs DH was having a go at her afterwards about it.

Laquitar · 19/10/2013 22:38

It doesnt matter how many hours you work but how much you earn. It seems like he resents your free time rsther than wanting more money?(dont mention the daisies too much).
I honestly dont understand the need for hot cooked food every single day. Thread after thread, couples arguing about food. Put some paninis in the freezer when they are reduced at asda. Have them with cheeseand salad, or ham. Boil some eggs. Have some hoummous.oven chips. Its boring cooking every day and arguing about dinner. Nobody dyed because he ate bread and cheese and fruit one night.

Bogeyface · 19/10/2013 22:41

Its not about hot meals, its about the little wife running around after the lord and masters needs. He didnt kick off because of a lack of a dinner, he kicked off because she had the temerity to not put him first.

How dare she?!

MuffCakes · 19/10/2013 22:48

I think I would resent someone after years of being the main breadwinner and now the dc have grown up. Why should I have to support you so you have time to smell the roses and I don't is how I would see it.

TheDoctrineOfSpike · 19/10/2013 23:06

OP hadn't made dinner because she was busy working which is the thing her DH wants her to do more of.

Right you are. I'll just hit my "two places at once" button.

Howstricks · 19/10/2013 23:22

I work from home too..its marvellous because i can choose my hours, take coffee breaks whenever i want them and have trash television on whilst completing tax returns. My dh works long hours, he comes home exhausted. He wouldn't moan if there wasn't dinner ready every day, in fact he would offer to get a takeaway. However I appreciate how incredibly lucky i am with my lifestyle and the respect works both ways so there will always be dinner...

AgentZigzag · 19/10/2013 23:48

So true BF, OP is such a liberty taker.

He just wants her to be as miserable as he is Wink

I genuinely don't get why he'd want to drag her down if he knows she's happy, especially if they don't need the cash.

I know people who get obsessive about spending every single minute doing something productive, and think someone's lazy if they want to switch off and watch the box for an hour or waste time playing a computer game.

It's like asking for the 20p back that you lent someone two months ago.

Ungenerous (is that a word?)

missymarmite · 19/10/2013 23:56

Tell him you'll get a job when he does his fair share of the housework ;)

Bogeyface · 19/10/2013 23:57

Ingenerous?

Dunno, but yes you are right about dragging people down. And as I said above, the irony is that if she did get a job working his hours, there is no way on Gods green earth he would get his dinner on the table!

Twat!

AgentZigzag · 20/10/2013 00:01

I googled it have it on good authority that apparently ungenerous is a legit word (as is apostrophated, which I'd been using for ages thinking I'd made it up Grin)

Aye, all blokes a twats when it comes down to it

AgentZigzag · 20/10/2013 00:03

'all blokes are twats'

MoominMammasHandbag · 20/10/2013 00:08

I work less hours than my DP (we have our own business). He's not that bothered because he quite enjoys what he does.
I also worked out a long time ago that he will forgive me most of my idling as long as I make a nice dinner every night. Pure 1950s but it works for us.

AnandaTimeIn · 20/10/2013 00:14

I do all the housework, shopping, dog walking ect. DCs are young teenagers but I deal with all the school stuff and day to day stuff.

And he thinks you need to get a job.

Make a list of the cost of those jobs, take 2 or 3 days off and see how he copes.

AnandaTimeIn · 20/10/2013 00:19

Pure 1950s but it works for us.

Yea, whatever. That was more than 50 years ago!

Time to move on for those of us who do not want to be stuck there

Bogeyface · 20/10/2013 00:24

Amanda I think it was tongue in cheek. If Mr Moomin did the dinner while Moomin did the business hours then no one would have an issue. The point is that they work to their strengths, and that's good for them because they are both happy with what they do.

Bogeyface · 20/10/2013 00:25

and the 1950's where 60 years ago Wink

AgentZigzag · 20/10/2013 00:39

We have a pretty 1950's division of labour, and it does work for us (on the whole).

I don't even drive Shock and like to be chauffeured about in DH's car

If you're not keen on that Ananda, it's socially acceptable to do whatever the fuck you like these days.

'and the 1950's where 60 years ago'

I still think of the 70's as being 20 odd years ago Grin Can't get my head round this passing of time thing, talking to adults who were being born well after I'd left school Grin

CurlyhairedAssassin · 20/10/2013 00:49

You see, I actually think we need more details from the OP about the exact details of the day before we start deciding whether he's a twat or not. The OP says she works a few hours a day. A few hours. How many is that? And does it HAVE to be during the evening when DH comes home from work? Because say she works 4 hours a day, she could either be working somethig like 10-2pm which to me would still leave enough time to do a bit of housework/shopping AND go for a walk/do own thing and STILL prepare a nice family evening meal for everyone.

OR the particular day she is talking about she could have CHOSEN to do her 4 hours from, say, 6-10pm, having had an early tea for herself and her teenaged children and letting her dh get on with doing some beans on toast for himself. BEFORE 6 pm she could easily have spent most of the day doing her own thing (flower-sniffing and whatnot - Grin) having done a bit of housework from 9-11am, say.

Now, if the OP's day had gone the way of the second scenario, I would TOTALLY understand her dh for coming home knackered and then feeling resentful because his dw had fixed her day so that she spent most of it swanning round having fun and then wasn't around at evening meal time (and even got all uppity, saying "but I'm WORKING" when he pulls a face at having to make beans on toast for himself.)

We need more details of the EXACT circumstances, OP. it really does matter when it comes to deciding whether he's a twat or not. Grin