To be livid my DH has just told me to get a job

[strawberriesandplumbs]

I have my own business working from home, I work a few hours a day and although don't make a fortune I earn more than when I worked part time. We have two DC and I do all the housework, shopping, dog walking ect. DCs are young teenagers but I deal with all the school stuff and day to day stuff. DH will occasionally pick dd1 up at night from friends. He does work hard but I do think he sees no value at all in what I do. Usually I shrug it off but tonight he hugely pissed me off by saying that after giving me money to shop he had only had beans in today to eat. Developed into a big row, mostly on my part but basically he said get out and get a job. He is a workaholic and thinks down time is dead time. Is he been unreasonable to want me to work every hour of daylight like he does. I like to stop and smell the daisies.

[Beastofburden]

On the planning the day thing- I do think that it is unreasonable to plan to spend your day relaxing and your evening working, if that means that your partner has to spend the day working and the evening, er, working. If cooking is work for the OP, it is work for the OH too. Fair dos, each ought to work (including proper, concentrated domestic work) for roughly the same amount of time each week. If the OP does less than an equal share, she is doing well and is being U to schedule the work she does do in such a way that her OH has to do extra.

[Beastofburden]

SPB- yes, I agree. My point was just that it looked from the OP as if part of the tension was to do with whether she was picking up enough of that load. So just saying that from the POV of the other half, if one partner permanently only earns a small wage ( I am not talking now about the time when the kids are small, but forever), this can make the other partner feel crushed over time by the pressure to keep the whole circus rolling.

[DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld]

It actually reminds me of that story that did the rounds a little while back. Guy comes home from work, the house is a mess, the kids are causing havoc, there's no dinner being cooked(!). He finds his wife curled up in bed with a book and asks her what happened. She answers "you know how you always ask what I do all day? Today I didn't do it."

Ooh, refreshers. Ta, ZigZag

[MarlenaGru]

I really agree with the respecting each other thing. I have a friend in a similar situation to you (except her DH has been unemployed for a while now and still refuses to do his bit around the house) and for me nothing is a problem other than the fact that he clearly doesn't respect her as he refuses to do what she did for many years (childcare, washing, cleaning etc) saying it makes him feel emasculated doing them.

DH and I work full time and split things mostly equally. He does feel the need to put in face time which drives me batty as it is ok for me to leave at 5 to fetch DD but his job means it is not possible. We both do similar jobs and earn similar amounts but I find it acceptable to say that I will finish something tomorrow or at home and he just can't do it. Probably the cause of 90% of our arguments!

[SPBisResisting]

Yes exactly. DH and I have always shared all money and genuinely feel it belongs to us both. But then we've swapped between being the higher earners with both of us having to support the other in unemployment. Although he;s been the higher earner since I had children (as someone else mentioned...paygap). In other relationships, it works where one works and the other SAH as they both work to enable that job and their home life. Sometimes, like in the OP, it obviously doesn't work as one partner resents the other.

[ApocalypseThen]

My grandmother always said to make sure you always have your own pound. And I think this is what she meant - not developing a home life where another adult has the right to tell you how to live your life, demand services and monitor how you use your time. Money is the only power, isn't it? Doesn't really matter what you do unpaid at home, the comments on this thread show that if you allow financial inequality in your relationship, you get a 24/7 boss and that's just fine.

[SPBisResisting]

"Lastly, it can be harsh being the main breadwinner. It feels as if the whole structure is on your shoulders forever. Even if he loves to work, it can be oppressive thinking nobody else is going to pick up some of that load, ever. Because whatever we may all feel about parenting being valuable, the fact is that parenting doesn't buy food or pay rent. Working and earning do that."

She is picking up some of that load. She works. and earns.

[ApocalypseThen]

I really don't like the implication that she has to give a reason why she was working at a particular time of the day to justify to him - and us - that she spends her time appropriately.

What seems terrible to me is that his priorities in life, and his values mean that he gets to set KPIs for her and monitor her performance. It's actually her life too and she's an adult competent to manage it.

[AgentZigzag]

They are in my house Don'tGive

[DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld]

Well, sweets are a necessity. Right?

[AgentZigzag]

He was too weak to make the toast as well DontGive, poor lamb.

Strawberries spent all the money he'd so generously given her on sweets.

[DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld]

He's a big boy, he can cook his own dinner. That's what I say to DP on the (admittedly rare) nights that I can't be arsed to cook. I don't even have a good excuse most of the time.

Beans on toast won't kill him. That's assuming he made toast. Or did he just open the tin and eat them cold?

[Mimishimi]

I think possibly YABU. Is your relaxed lifestyle dependent on him earning the income that he does? If your working from home isn't really bringing in much, you are only doing a couple of hours of this work a day (as you said in the OP), I think it's completely fair that he expects you take on the lion's share of the housework. It sounds more like he is stressed out by being the main provider than some 1950s revert who wants you chained to the kitchen.

[Bogeyface]

Belly buttings smell bad

Boys belly buttings smell REAAAALLY bad :o

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Belly butting?!

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Thanks - Now I have this image in my head of the OP sitting round all day watching Jezza Kyle, idly scratching her belly butting and then sniffing her finger.

[Bogeyface]

Agent

I used to hate KP until DD2's class sang "Firework" at their year 6 leaving assembly, it was really moving!

[Bogeyface]

Navel sniffing?

Euurrrggghhhh

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

I have enjoyed reading this thread immensely if only for the realisation that there is a new euphemism for navel-gazing. Daisy-sniffing sounds much more wholesome.

[AgentZigzag]

I was heartened by DD1 singing along to Master of Puppets last night BF, turn her away from her sickening Katy Perry ways.

[AgentZigzag]

'we need more details from the OP about the exact details of the day before we start deciding whether he's a twat or not.'

Spoilsport

I think you'll find the 2010 edition of the MN rool book says you're only allowed to twist the OPs words while heavily reading between the lines and projecting.

It's just reminding me of Barbara Royle asking Denise and Dave what they'd had for their tea, and them saying dairy lea on toast

I bet the OPs DH did have beans, but he had them with the fish and chips he'd nipped down the chippy for.

Bet y'.

[Bogeyface]

Oh and to make you (us?!) feel even older, I recently worked with someone born in 1994 who bought me a drink in a bar for my birthday.........

[Bogeyface]

I still think of the 70's as being 20 odd years ago

I know! i was singing along to "Holiday" by that Madonna on the radio the other day and DD3 said "Whats this song?" and DD2 said "Oh, its an old song that mum likes " :o:o

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

You see, I actually think we need more details from the OP about the exact details of the day before we start deciding whether he's a twat or not. The OP says she works a few hours a day. A few hours. How many is that? And does it HAVE to be during the evening when DH comes home from work? Because say she works 4 hours a day, she could either be working somethig like 10-2pm which to me would still leave enough time to do a bit of housework/shopping AND go for a walk/do own thing and STILL prepare a nice family evening meal for everyone.

OR the particular day she is talking about she could have CHOSEN to do her 4 hours from, say, 6-10pm, having had an early tea for herself and her teenaged children and letting her dh get on with doing some beans on toast for himself. BEFORE 6 pm she could easily have spent most of the day doing her own thing (flower-sniffing and whatnot - ) having done a bit of housework from 9-11am, say.

Now, if the OP's day had gone the way of the second scenario, I would TOTALLY understand her dh for coming home knackered and then feeling resentful because his dw had fixed her day so that she spent most of it swanning round having fun and then wasn't around at evening meal time (and even got all uppity, saying "but I'm WORKING" when he pulls a face at having to make beans on toast for himself.)

We need more details of the EXACT circumstances, OP. it really does matter when it comes to deciding whether he's a twat or not.

[AgentZigzag]

We have a pretty 1950's division of labour, and it does work for us (on the whole).

I don't even drive and like to be chauffeured about in DH's car

If you're not keen on that Ananda, it's socially acceptable to do whatever the fuck you like these days.

'and the 1950's where 60 years ago'

I still think of the 70's as being 20 odd years ago Can't get my head round this passing of time thing, talking to adults who were being born well after I'd left school