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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be concerned about my friend giving birth in the USA?

802 replies

YoniGetAnOohWithTyphoo · 17/10/2013 22:16

My friend 'P' got pregnant by an american citizen (unplanned, on holiday kind of thing...) anyway, cut a long story short: he has said that whilst he isn't interested in her (and much less in coming over to the UK to play happy families), he, and moreover his mother, seem very keen for P to come over and give birth in the US, all expenses paid.

Whilst this seems like a nice gesture on the face of it, i'm a bit worried. Notwithstanding the fact that P seems to honestly think she's gonna fly to the USA alone at about 35 weeks pregnant (don't they have rules about this sort of thing?) with all the suitcases in tow, if a baby is born in the USA i'm worried it will be an 'american citizen' and as such, won't just be allowed to fly back to the UK. Do any mumsnetters know about this?

I'm haven't said much yet because I don't want to hurt her feelings or scare her, I know at the end of the day it's her choice... but I can't help thinking she hasn't thought this through. What do you guys think?

OP posts:

hiddenhome · 17/10/2013 22:53

They are after her baby. She's just a brood mare. Show her this thread. She is walking into a nightmare.

Original poster

YoniGetAnOohWithTyphoo · 17/10/2013 22:54

I agree with all of you, it just doesn't add up. It makes absolutely no sense for him not to come here for the birth instead, and she could have her mother and sisters by her side to help her afterwards (who i'm sure would be a fat lot more help, considering his track record with the pregnancy so far!)

I think you could be right zipzap, maybe she thinks once she's over there and has the baby he'll fall in love with it...and her...oh lord, I hope she isn't that dumb.

I'm really scared - worst case scenario, the MIL drops the sugar-sweet act seconds after the birth, grabs the baby, and P is booted unceremoniously back on the plane to the UK sans bub. I really can't imagine what that will do to her. :(

Thanks for all your advice guys, you've been so helpful. I will definitely have to rally the troops before she gets the rudest awakening of her life..

OP posts:

PedantMarina · 17/10/2013 22:56

If a child is born on "American soil", it is automatically an American citizen AND eligible for American Presidential candidacy. This means, in theory, that you can stagger over to the steps of the nearest Embassy or Consulate and do the deed.

However, I'm very concerned about the various states' laws thing. You have to be VERY CLEAR on this - there are many states, and many of them have different laws. Although federal constitutional law may, eventually, override the states' rights, it's not worth risking the shit-storm that may be coming.

If not already mentioned, which state?

SparkyUK · 17/10/2013 23:00

If she is having trouble seeing the red flag, perhaps she could also be convinced to stay in the UK by stressing how important it will be for her to have her trusted support network around for the birth and the weeks following the birth. She should really be focusing on what will make her life easiest and not the baby's father. If her mother and sisters are here, and good friends like you, this is where she should be. Child birth is scary enough as it is without doing it in a foreign country amongst strangers! If he is so keen to be there for the birth, why doesn't he come over here???

Caitlin17 · 17/10/2013 23:01

This is a terrible idea.

It looks very like the father and his mother looking to get grandchild.

Also you need a visa to get in to US, all she will get is a tourist visa and will be illegal when it expires.

Why on earth would she fly to the US to give birth, she won't get any better treatment than she'll get on the NHS.Possibly less good.

OddSockMonster · 17/10/2013 23:03

What reasons are they giving for wanting her to give birth there? Are they suggesting she'll have an easier delivery or better care? If so can they just pay for her to go private over here?

Just wondering what reasons they will give - if you can anticipate them and head them off then you'll probably find it easier to convince her.

OddSockMonster · 17/10/2013 23:05

(p.s. I was more than happy with my two NHS deliveries, not even sure if you can go private for births, can you?)

MistressIggi · 17/10/2013 23:09

You can go private for anything, I believe.

PedantMarina · 17/10/2013 23:12

Generally agree that your DF might be in for a "grab the baby, deport the mother from the third-world" (seriously, that's how some americans think about anybody who's Not).

But, on a more innocuous - but possibly more clueless - note, it's possible that the americans in question think that our health system just isn't up to it. How wrong they are.

Seriously, which state? And anything about any other background stuff (religion, etc - errm, well, mainly religion - most of the shit that goes badly in America is ostensibly due to religion).

Original poster

YoniGetAnOohWithTyphoo · 17/10/2013 23:14

The state will be Virginia btw, for those who were asking.

OP posts:

TotallyBursar · 17/10/2013 23:19

Being very dim here but wouldn't she need to lie to even be allowed a visa whilst so pregnant? I wouldn't imagine they're going to rubber stamp her with their immigration rules. That should get some concerns going surely when they explain. Or will it be different because the father is a citizen, surely they'd still be clear that only her baby could stay and she'll be out on her arse, possibly sans baby, depending on where she's going?
Is there advice from the British consulate? Seeing as they are who she will have to turn to.

I saw similar mentioned upthread but was just wondering if maybe she thinks as father is American there's no issue.
She sounds a little more than naive to be sleep walking into a situation that could go so terribly wrong. It sounds so dodgy.

AmberLeaf · 17/10/2013 23:20

I think she thinks it will all be happy families when she has the baby.

You/her sisters really need to put your concerns to her in clear terms.

I think going there would be a huge mistake.

MistressIggi · 17/10/2013 23:26

They could use the money to travel over here to be around for the birth - why (if all above board) would they not do it that way?

MimiSunshine · 17/10/2013 23:27

Absolutely no way.

What in earth is their reason? If you don't already you need to find this out. If it's to do something nice for her and the baby, what's nice about it? I don't mean that it would be horrible but I just don't see how it could benefit her and baby.

If it's because it would be nice for the dad's family to meet the baby, well those aeroplanes go both ways, they can come over, and if US granny isn't up to the flight, well P can fly over after baby has had its first set of jabs and is fully registered as a UK born citizen (the jabs are an argument to use as well).

If she really thinks he'll sweep her off her feet and fall for her, she can ask him to come over, if he won't then he hasn't got her best interest at heart, besides she'd still have to come home.

I think you need to talk to her about the implications of going out there: alone, birth problems, overdue birth. Then what about getting home? Registering the birth implications of being overdue and running out if Visa. And maybe finally the scary what if they fall out with you and refuse to pay the medical bills? How is she going to get travel insurance for a child that is yet to be born? And the scariest what if he refuses to let the baby leave? He can and he could.

Alisvolatpropiis · 17/10/2013 23:32

Yanbu. She is very naive indeed!

FairPhyllis · 17/10/2013 23:33

The father will be able to prevent the child leaving the US - if it is born there that will be its habitual place of residence. And your friend will then have to leave the US without the child if she does not want to be there illegally. Red flags ahoy.

Then it's also possible the promised money for the hospital bill might not materialise and she could be stuck with a bill for $100000s.

So in the worst case, she'd be hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt and either separated from her baby and fighting a legal case from the UK or in the US illegally in which case she couldn't go to the courts without being deported.

She might actually have a tough time even getting in at the border anyway if she is heavily pg and obviously planning to give birth there - the practice of having 'anchor babies' is frowned on. Immigration could very well not let her in.

Caitlin17 · 17/10/2013 23:33

Apologies to any US citizens but how the hell is she going to get through the nightmare of US immigration?

It comes as a real shock when one is used to swannning through the EU passport holder queue with barely a glance to be stuck in a queue for over an hour, and then be faced with a stoney faced official who seems to be actively looking for a reason not to let you in.

Being heavily pregnant, not being there for some specific pre-approved reason and not being married to a US citizen could well mean she never gets past immigration.

And by that time she may be too far gone for them to be happy sending her back so in a worst case scenario baby will not be born in a swanky prtivate US hospital but in an illegal immigrant holding facility.

MimiSunshine · 17/10/2013 23:42

TotallyBursar makes a very good point, they may not let her in if they think she's there just give birth.
There was a program recently about foreign to USA citizens traveling to the US heavily pregnant and either lying about the stage or concealing it altogether to get their children born there which would allow them to certain rights.

Just because P is a naice English girl doesn't mean she wouldn't potentially be allowed in to give birth

Original poster

YoniGetAnOohWithTyphoo · 17/10/2013 23:42

As far as other background stuff PedantMaria, i'm not too sure. P was raised a catholic, though I don't think she is practising probably not if her holiday behaviour was anything to go by and i'm not sure about him/his family. All I know is he's a soldier, his DM lives in New York, and he has a sister in Texas. From the people who have had the 'pleasure' of making his acquaintance, the word which has cropped up in every report of his character has been 'arsehole' but I'm sure that comes as no surprise to anybody here.

I will definitely tell her to get in touch with the british consulate, even if that's the only thing she does. I'm past the point of worrying if she falls out with me now, based on what you guys are saying i'll never forgive myself if I don't say something and the wicked witch of the east coast steals her baby.

OP posts:

Retroformica · 17/10/2013 23:43

You have to talk to her. Send her a link to this thread.

Retroformica · 17/10/2013 23:47

Why don't they come over for the birth instead?

Or better still, your friend will need a good mate to support her through the birth. Not some random bloke unknown to her.

CoolStoryBro · 17/10/2013 23:50

Tell her she would be setting her child up for a lifetime of unnecessary tax returns and bills. And that's the best case scenario from what I'm reading here.

Caitlin17 · 18/10/2013 00:00

With any luck even if you can't talk her out of it she might well fail at the first hurdle of getting a visa. You apply online and from what I can recall you need to fill in a lot of information like address in the US, reasons for travel , which for her the only one she can tick is tourism,and the details of your return flight.

It's 6 years since I last flew to the US but I do recall having to fill in a lot of info on the visa application and on KLM's website.

NatashaBee · 18/10/2013 00:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gobbynorthernbird · 18/10/2013 00:11

Yoni, I think, unfortunately, that you are going to have to tell her how silly she's being. Shout at her if you have to. Hopefully, even if she doesn't realise it at the time, the friendship will be salvageable. It may also then open the door for her family to speak to her about the situation.

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