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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mother is refusing to bring DD (3) back from abroad as agreed!

253 replies

AbsolutelyBloodyFurious · 12/10/2013 14:57

My mother and stepfather live abroad in an Asian country that is a 16 hour flight away. They are out there due to my stepfather's work.

DH and I visited with DD (aged 3) last month for 2 weeks and as we had been experiencing some marital difficulties (he let's me do everything-cleaning, shopping, paperwork, childcare drop offs etc even though I earn double what he does and I am sick of it), my mother suggested that DD stay on with them for 2 weeks extra (as they are flying back to the UK anyway) to give us some time together.

I was not happy and said no initially as I am quite an anxious person and it is just too far away but was made to feel like an idiot so I agreed.

DD was supposed to come back next Wednesday but my mother has just rung me and said that they are postponing coming back until next month due to problems with stepfather's work so DD will have been over there for almost 7 weeks in all without us.

I am beyond furious. I would never have left her if I had any suspicion that they would do this. I am already completely stressed out worrying about DD constantly. My mother will look after her OK but anything could happen right? I cannot cope with another 5 weeks of this. There is also the impact this will have on DD being away from us so long.

I can't afford another flight out there and would need at least another week off work which I won't get.

Mother has said she won't fly back on her own with DD. She has to wait for my stepfather (mother does not work out there).

I want to bloody scream!!

OP posts:
pixiepotter · 12/10/2013 21:30

At '3 years old', not 3 weeks old!!

Rudejude7 · 12/10/2013 21:41

I agree with everybody else especially Lavenderhoney. Book those flights NOW ! Don't leave without your DD, don't tell you mother that you are coming, take all necessary documents, phone numbers and credit cards. Get to it and lots of hugs!

Damnthosegrannypants · 12/10/2013 22:12

Shock this can't possibly be for real.

fucking hell. Go and get your daughter. I actually don't even have words for you right now.

Shock
rockybalBOOOOa · 12/10/2013 22:20

YANBU to leave your child with her grandmother who you previously trusted and for reasons which were entirely sensible for what you thought was 2 weeks. However your mother IBVU and 7 weeks away from your child is horrific. Bugger the jet lag, credit card the flights and fly there and straight back and bring her home.

kali110 · 13/10/2013 01:14

Completely agree that its unfair how harsh people are being on the gm she hasnt abducted her. shes not saying she cant have ber child back, its just she herself cant take her back on her own.Can understand shes nervous and cant fly alone. If op was seriously that worried she would be on a plane getting her child back.

Again where are people getting the idea that she works mon-fri? Not everybody does.

HopeS01 · 13/10/2013 07:47

I'm baffled by this thread. Like the majority of other posters I can't even fathom how the mother of a 3 year old could even consider leaving her child with anyone for 7 weeks.
Hmm

Go and get your daughter!

God forbid the poor baby ever has any idea how blasé her parents have been about leaving her for almost 2 months!

Vivacia · 13/10/2013 08:17

In this situation, the only thing stopping me from running out of the door would be partner trying to exit at the same time.

roadwalker · 13/10/2013 08:56

I would never leave any of my children for any more than an overnight stay (actually no-one would want them longer than that- issues)
but it is more culturally acceptable to some
My friend (different culture) would happily leave her daughter for significant periods with extended family

StarJumpAlertTakeCover · 13/10/2013 09:01

This is so unbelievable.

Now I want to go and get her.

What kind of person are you? I would be hysterical about being separated from her. She is just a baby really and no mitigating circumstances apply. She's a hell of a long way away. WITHOUT YOU. How can you possibly know she's okay?

Yes this is unbelievable. Time off work/cost? Rubbish. Absolute nonsense.

pumpkinsweetie · 13/10/2013 09:02

If this is real, stick flights on your credit card and get her back. Money can be paid back, you cannot get this time with your 3yo back.
And fwiw i would not leave her with them ever again!

nennypops · 13/10/2013 09:08

Cut some slack here. It could be that the reason the OP hasn't posted again is that she's on that plane.

nulgirl · 13/10/2013 09:21

People here are posting from a very westernised perspective so theres lots of posts about abduction and lasting damage. In many cultures this would be a perfectly reasonable and pragmatic thing to do. The concept of a nuclear family and parents being the only ones capable of looking after their children and that any other way of doing it is wrong is so ingrained in western thinking. I don't think that the success of this approach is born out by how low we figure in the child happiness index in the uk.

Saying that if the OP isn't happy then she should find the cash somewhere and go get her daughter.

Gileswithachainsaw · 13/10/2013 09:55

Even so nulgirl I very much doubt that the parents are 16 hours away in a different country, and the child actually knows the grandparents.

If being westernised means I give a crap about being in the same hemisphere as my dd then so be it.

StayAwayFromTheEdge · 13/10/2013 10:06

I agree with nugirl. This is perfectly acceptable in many cultures (not that it is something I personally would do).

THe child has not been abducted, there is no need for the police, consulates etc that the hysterical mob on here seem to think are needed. She is with her Grandparents who are looking after her - They have extended their stay and have not gone into hiding or refused to hand her back if the OP goes to them. The OP has no idea if the stay has been extended for genuine reasons or not - and that is something she can discuss with them at an appropriate time.

If the child is upset or the OP can't cope for prolonged periods of time then of course she should go and get her if funds allow. Not everyone has ready available cash, credit cards etc that they can access. Payday loans? Really?

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 13/10/2013 10:06

I am a very lax parent.

I would be on the next flight over there even if that meant I sold items in the house or extended overdraft payday loan ect.

Your bond will be broken

SirChenjin · 13/10/2013 10:06

Nulgirl - does being westernised mean that we, as parents, don't get a say in where our children are to spend weeks of their lives? Or that a controlling parent (controlling by our own admisson) can tell us when she or he will bring our child back from a country 16 hours away?

In that case I'm happy to be westernised in this instance - which, by the way, has absolutely nothing to do with the concept of the nuclear family, or believing that I am the only one capable of looking after my children. You don't appear to have fully understood the context of this thread.

StayAwayFromTheEdge · 13/10/2013 10:09

Giles - the OPs daughter has already spent at least 3 and half weeks with her Grandparents, so imagine she knows them pretty well by now.

Gileswithachainsaw · 13/10/2013 10:10

And you know that fir a fact do you? Because we have all heard stories of countries where there are or have been laws that the mums/women don't have parental rights and families struggle to deal with westernization of the children so keep hold if the children during a visit ?

I'm not saying letting a child have a holiday with their grandparents is wrong, sure the week or two weeks I could perhaps understand even if my dd was five before she spent longer than a couple if days without me. But 7 weeks is too long and considering flights and journeys must have been booked or placed, surely most people soul have suspicions

Gileswithachainsaw · 13/10/2013 10:12

She'd known them a bloody week when she was left there though

sweetestcup · 13/10/2013 10:21

I would do everything I could to go and get her if she was mine. But Im loving the assumption that everyone has credit cards, and also if they do a big enough credit limit to pay for a flight to a country 16 hours away. I dont, and when I apply I get turned down so not everyone has access to a credit card!!

Gileswithachainsaw · 13/10/2013 10:22

It just doesn't make sense. Why would op need two weeks with her lazy arse dh anyway. Why isn't he bothered. Why in earth would a grandparent suddenly want a child for two months when there must have been a friend who would have gone with her. Why would op have agreed to have them stay on their visit when she does t get on with them. Why, when she could have just got on a plane knowing full well her mother couldn't just follow her, did she allow this woman to keep hold of the kid.they can't see them much anyway so what did it matter if they fell out at that point. It woulda cooked off. It doesn't add up. And the mum doesn't care about being away from her dd she just wants proof her bond won't be affected Confused why would a research study if some kind be the deciding factor rather than the needs of her dd? It's all bonkers and something's not right here.

Pixieonline · 13/10/2013 10:24

You're mother has overstepped the line here by changing the plans so dramatically.

What would I do in your shoes? I'm not sure as onlY you know the family dynamics. Are you having regular contact with your child and are you certain this is just an extended visit without any other issues at play?

I can, however, reassure you that no 'bond' will be broken between you and your child. From the age of four, i travelled by plane as an unaccompanied minor to visit my grandparent every year for several weeks at a time. They were the best holidays of my life....
And I was always happy to return to my parents.

As for my own children, dh and I have also been on holiday without the kids while grandparents either fly over to stay with them or we fly with kids to drop them off. Again, the kids love it.

HotDogWater · 13/10/2013 11:23

My goodness my DH would absolutely freak and I would be panicing if my mum did this. She is a baby you need to go and fetch her.

CoolaSchmoola · 13/10/2013 11:38

There are a few people on this thread saying 'what sort of mother leaves their 3 year old?!' or 'I wouldn't leave my 3 year old with anyone!' and 'I wouldn't leave any of my children overnight let alone for weeks!' (I've paraphrased as can't copy and paste on my phone.

I'm sorry but I simply don't believe any of you. You might not do so in these particular circumstances, but I can guarantee that in the right circumstances you ALL would, so stop with the 'only a shit parent would do that' sanctimonious horror.

My mum left me with my Aunt and Uncle at the other end of the country for two months when I was three, I actually turned three during the time I was with them. There were no visits, short calls, no Skype.

I can just imagine some of you sat there, your mouths in a moue of displeasure, a slight 'huh' sneer on your face thinking 'no, I would NEVER do that, how DREADFUL of Coola's mother, what sort of mother does that?!'

Gileswithachainsaw · 13/10/2013 11:43

Oh I'd have left my three yr old. Just not in another country with a mother who was so controlling and untrustworthy. And not for seven sodding weeks.