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AIBU?

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Original poster

Mother is refusing to bring DD (3) back from abroad as agreed!

253 replies

AbsolutelyBloodyFurious · 12/10/2013 14:57

My mother and stepfather live abroad in an Asian country that is a 16 hour flight away. They are out there due to my stepfather's work.

DH and I visited with DD (aged 3) last month for 2 weeks and as we had been experiencing some marital difficulties (he let's me do everything-cleaning, shopping, paperwork, childcare drop offs etc even though I earn double what he does and I am sick of it), my mother suggested that DD stay on with them for 2 weeks extra (as they are flying back to the UK anyway) to give us some time together.

I was not happy and said no initially as I am quite an anxious person and it is just too far away but was made to feel like an idiot so I agreed.

DD was supposed to come back next Wednesday but my mother has just rung me and said that they are postponing coming back until next month due to problems with stepfather's work so DD will have been over there for almost 7 weeks in all without us.

I am beyond furious. I would never have left her if I had any suspicion that they would do this. I am already completely stressed out worrying about DD constantly. My mother will look after her OK but anything could happen right? I cannot cope with another 5 weeks of this. There is also the impact this will have on DD being away from us so long.

I can't afford another flight out there and would need at least another week off work which I won't get.

Mother has said she won't fly back on her own with DD. She has to wait for my stepfather (mother does not work out there).

I want to bloody scream!!

OP posts:
Balaboosta · 12/10/2013 18:21

Problem seems to be that OP is surrounded by family members that don't support or validate her feelings. The result is that she finds herself frozen with indecision and unable to assert herself with any of them - including her workplace.

Meanwhile - little girl far away - there Is a risk of emotional damage. A risk. Which means it could be fine or it could be not fine.

Op faced with any risk you have to decide how to respond. You seem a long way from making any decision.

SisterMonicaJoan · 12/10/2013 18:28

Not saying anything regarding the validity of the op but I couldn't be parted from my 6 year old DC for longer than overnight.

What if your DD becomes ill? What if she needs medical attention - GP or hospital?

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 12/10/2013 18:48

Balaboosta I agree

"Problem seems to be that OP is surrounded by family members that don't support or validate her feelings. The result is that she finds herself frozen with indecision and unable to assert herself with any of them "

My son has been away for 3 nights and I am trying to be brave and control my heart which feels icy cold and like I've got a hole in my chest :( and I'm used to him going away for a few nights every month or so. And I know he's being well loved and looked after...

Donkeyok · 12/10/2013 19:02

Is this for real? - credit cards and red bull would see you in and out in no time.
Time off work don't be ridiculous - if this is real
What mother is that laid back this is abnormal.
I hope the OP is gone on a plane.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 12/10/2013 19:10

I didnt look this up as wasnt in the situation to at the time, but I was told that 4-6 weeks of no contact is enough to break Or severely weaken a bond between main carer and child.

This was for under 2s so not sure about for older but I'd not be willing to test this if I had a choice. It means no contact and the people the child is living with not talking about or helping child remember the parent btw, so not as simple as don't see each other = broken bond. But I was very worried about the emotional trauma such an abandonment might leave.

I had to leave my baby for three weeks (bad illness), he was just turned two years old and when he came back he had alot of behavioural problems showing his distress, and it was awful to see.

I kept him super close and did everything I could to get the attachment back, total unconditional love, cuddling, back to milk, cosleeping etc. He swung between being unnaturally good and trying to please me (i think that was the worst for me actually), to hitting and biting when he got a bit more relaxed, to intense clinging and having an absolute break down of he was parted from me even for a second.

I can't pretend it was ok or there wouldn't be huge problems if I hadn't changed everything to ensure we had the time and privacy to bond again. Now I think he's fine, but I am probably not. Better that way round though obviously.

Wannabestepfordwife · 12/10/2013 19:19

My mum contracted septicaemia when I was 4. I went to stay with my DGPs who live 10 mins down the road, had looked after me once a week from 6 months and I saw my mum nearly every day but there were tears, tantrums and it took me quite a while to readjust so in answer to your question yes the trip will effect your daughter.

As other posters have suggested if you don't want to travel and confront your mother can't your dh do it

ButThereAgain · 12/10/2013 19:20

Surprised at how hostile so many of you are to the OP, and at how many posters are so ready to assume that since they themselves couldn't tolerate their child spending seven weeks with a grandmother, it is plainly unreasonable (or even "abnormal") for any other mother to even think about tolerating it.

The troll calls are a bit awful too, and the suggestions that the op is out for money even though she doesn't seem to have asked for it.

It's like empathy is only allowed for people who are so exactly like you that you don't even need empathy to work yourselves from your mindset into into their clone mindset.

MolehillAlchemy · 12/10/2013 19:21

OP, imagine if you'd posted the story of how you broke your pelvis in a skiing accident, and were stuck in hospital. Luckily your mother was on hand to travel from abroad and collect DD for extended trip an Grandma's summer home while you got better in hospital.

Everyone on here would be singing the praises of your mother and no-one would be suggesting that your child would be permanently damaged as a result.

Your mum has very generously agreed to look after your little one with a view to giving your and your husband some breathing space. Unfortunately, a situation beyond her control means she's unable to get back to you as quickly as agreed. I bet she's as disappointed as you, but knows 100% that your DD will be perfectly happy and loved and protected as is possible.

My best friend used to have constant battles with her DM about the amount of time her DD was 'kidnapped' - i.e. went for the weekend and stayed the week, or went for few days to their villa, but ended up staying for the summer holidays! That little girl is now an adult, and has nothing but fond wonderful memories of the Grandmother that adored her so much, and thinks she is lucky to have had such a fortunate and exciting childhood.

If you have no worries about your mother's intentions, and are certain your DD will be well cared for and loved, I wouldn't worry about there being lasting damage. The only thing that would worry me is if anything serious were to happen e.g. illness or accident, you'd be too far away to be there quickly.

lunar1 · 12/10/2013 19:28

If my mother did this it would be the last time she saw my children. Go get your child back.

HappyMummyOfOne · 12/10/2013 19:33

Quite sad to see so many cries of abduction when no evidence of that.

The OP was quite willing to leave her child when it suited, whilst she says she had doubts she didnt act on them. Most would not have left their child at all if any doubts.

Book a flight and call work, two days maximum. Its not that hard.

nameimadeupjustnow · 12/10/2013 19:37

If you think that your DD is happy, loved and well cared for with your Mum, then wait it out. She is not in any danger. She will miss you a lot, but she is with grandma and all is well.

I think you are right to be angry at your Mum, though. It is an awful thing to put you through, just for the sake of not flying by herself. She sounds incredibly selfish and dismissive of you.

But, deep breath, and if you truly cannot fly out to get DD, then you will have to wait. Can you Skype? How is your DD doing?

AnaisHellWitch · 12/10/2013 19:44

Is DD at nursery?

AnaisHellWitch · 12/10/2013 19:48

Not that I don't think you should go and get her. But it might be a way of convincing your mother that your daughter is missing out on valuable social interaction and she should return with DD as agreed

PumpkinGuts · 12/10/2013 19:58

Yes molehill, that makes taking a child from her mother and keeping her for months totally ok Hmm, your friend was clearly a bit dim if she continued to let it happen though

MolehillAlchemy · 12/10/2013 20:20

Harsh PumkinGuts!

She certainly wasn't dim, but had a similar relationship with her DM and GPs growing up. I'm sure there are many families out there who enjoy shared care between parents and grandparents - a few weeks here and there. My own DP used to spend the entire summer holiday with his GM, every year until he left school.

I hope to spend as much time as I'm able to with my own GC assuming I'm lucky enough to have any.

sweetmelissa · 12/10/2013 20:29

To answer the OP's question:

I am a foster carer and therefore have some experience of children being away from their parents. In my experience, a three year old being away from their home AND their parents for seven weeks WOULD have a negative emotional effect. That is why, if at all possible, most children in foster care would have supervised contact with their parents between three and five times a week. I cannot stress enough how difficult it is for a child to be away from everything they know at so young an age. Remember that a three year old can only understand so much and change in circumstances/work commitments would mean nothing...they just know they are away from home and the people they love the most/love them the most. And actually 7 weeks separation from my children would cause ME much emotional distress too!

I realise that others have disagreed but in my opinion I would be on the first plane out there even if I had to sell my soul to afford it. My (limited) experience tells me that too.

I am sorry but I cannot at all understand why you are hesitating. But I wish you and your little one well, whatever you decide.

bababababoom · 12/10/2013 20:35

OP - assuming this is genuine, as I can see how it would be - my mum grew up with a very controlling mother, who demanded we stay with her for extended periods of time, and my mum didn't feel able to refuse - I can see how this could happen. Perhaps I'm gullible, but you sound genuine to me.

This is what I would do: ring your mum, and tell her that returning your little girl is non-negotiable, and that if she refuses then you will contact the police.

Can you lay your hands on the money to go and get her? I'm amazed how many people seem to assume that everyone has / can get a credit card, or will be granted a bank loan.

If there is any way humanly possible that you can go and get her, go now. Your little girl is in a strange country, with people she doesn't know well, she is only 3, and is not coming home to you when you told her she will. The potential damage is huge - she needs to come home.

whattodoo · 12/10/2013 20:53

at the very least, I imagine your DD will struggle to settle back into whatever daycare arrangement you use while at work.

absentmindeddooooodles · 12/10/2013 20:57

Shes 3. In a foreign country. With peiple she dos not see very often. For 7 weeks.

I dont see why you are not on that plane right now......

I appreciate money could be a massive issue. I know if I had to try and get that kind of money together would strugfle. But theres always a way.

If it was my ds out there, even if I knew he was safe, I would sell everyrhing and anything I own. Or get a payday loan and face the xonsequenves when I gwt back.

Shes still a baby. I could bear to leave ds half way across the workd for even a day....yes tjats over reacting but honestly.....7 weeks is so so long.

ImThinkingBoutMyDoorbell · 12/10/2013 21:11

ABF, something very similar happened my friends - in their case, a health scare for one of the grandparents who were minding the child. The grandparents were supposed to have her for 7 weeks in their country. Due to the hospitalisation of the grandfather (and grandmother being unable to leave him) the parents, who were working minimum wage jobs and scraping by and could not afford the long haul flights, did not see their 18 month old until she was 2.3.

I met the family shortly after they were reunited. The affection and love in the family seemed unchanged. There is Skype and email, pictures, video and calls. It's not a substitute for being there - you can't give a hug! - but you know what, it goes a long way when it comes to renewing family contact and keeping it on a familiar and regular footing. I'm working on the assumption that you do call and Skype on a regular basis and have been doing even more so since you left her there.

It will feel like a long time. You will miss her madly. But she will be well looked after and in no immediate danger. You're not the first person this has happened to and you won't be the last. It is wretched that your mum won't put her discomfort at travelling alone above her promises to you, but while hurtful and disappointing, won't harm anyone in the long run. I sympathise. But you'll both be ok.

GatoradeMeBitch · 12/10/2013 21:15

I don't see how it would cause much trouble with work. If you have a Mon-Fri job and you can wait a week, see if you can get a Friday evening flight and be back by Sunday. You don't have to turn it into a mini break - just collect her and come back.

If you want to go sooner, look online and see how little time you could do it in. I'm sure your work would give you two days off to go and get your daughter.

pixiepotter · 12/10/2013 21:22

It isn't abduction!! The OP happily left her there with her mother.It is entirely plausible that the step father can't leave work just at the moment.OP says she can't het time off work, so I am not sure why everyone is so suspicious that the stepfather can't? It was a big mistake to leave her so far away, and that is the risk you took, that the parents plans would fall through!

PrimalLass · 12/10/2013 21:26

I am only interested in what affect it will have on her emotionally. Anyone any ideas?

Depends on the child. I left my son with my Mum 50 miles away, for 3 days while I had DD. He had severe separation anxiety for the next 2 years. Not all children are like that however.

pixiepotter · 12/10/2013 21:29

I hesitate to say this, but you have to know the truth.Young children are extremely adaptable At 3 weeks old 7 weeks will seem like forever.she will be viewing your mother looking after her as the norm..REally it does not take long at all for small children to move on and she won't want to come home with you.The reason why she seems fine is that this process has already started.

Icelollycraving · 12/10/2013 21:29

Perhaps the op hasn't posted for a while as they are sorting their ticket yeah right