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Original poster

Mother is refusing to bring DD (3) back from abroad as agreed!

253 replies

AbsolutelyBloodyFurious · 12/10/2013 14:57

My mother and stepfather live abroad in an Asian country that is a 16 hour flight away. They are out there due to my stepfather's work.

DH and I visited with DD (aged 3) last month for 2 weeks and as we had been experiencing some marital difficulties (he let's me do everything-cleaning, shopping, paperwork, childcare drop offs etc even though I earn double what he does and I am sick of it), my mother suggested that DD stay on with them for 2 weeks extra (as they are flying back to the UK anyway) to give us some time together.

I was not happy and said no initially as I am quite an anxious person and it is just too far away but was made to feel like an idiot so I agreed.

DD was supposed to come back next Wednesday but my mother has just rung me and said that they are postponing coming back until next month due to problems with stepfather's work so DD will have been over there for almost 7 weeks in all without us.

I am beyond furious. I would never have left her if I had any suspicion that they would do this. I am already completely stressed out worrying about DD constantly. My mother will look after her OK but anything could happen right? I cannot cope with another 5 weeks of this. There is also the impact this will have on DD being away from us so long.

I can't afford another flight out there and would need at least another week off work which I won't get.

Mother has said she won't fly back on her own with DD. She has to wait for my stepfather (mother does not work out there).

I want to bloody scream!!

OP posts:
CoolaSchmoola · 13/10/2013 11:52

My mum was a single parent. My five year old brother was seriously ill in a specialist children's hospital two hours from home. He needed my mum, there was simply no option for me to stay with her at the hospital so her sister picked me up and drove me hundreds of miles to her house. It made ZERO difference to our bond, which at 35 is still one of the strongest mother daughter bonds I know of.

So, those of you who would NEVER leave your child for so long, or even overnight, and are very harshly judging the op, what would you do in that situation??

You would leave them, we all would. At least now there is Skype and mobiles, better transport etc. But you would still leave them.

So stop with the 'never!'

KirjavaTheCorpse · 13/10/2013 11:56

OP doesn't have such circumstances to contend with though Coola. She's said she's uncomfortable about her mother, is furious, anxious and can't bear another five weeks.

And yet, she very quickly changed her tune to someone who doesn't seem to really care that much, and just wanted us to tell her everything will be ok, no harm done. Her DH doesn't seem to care at all from what she's said.

It's very strange.

SirChenjin · 13/10/2013 11:59

That is not what the majority of us are saying.

What I would do in this situation is not leave my child 16 hours away with someone I felt was controlling for that length of time. I would also not allow someone else to tell me that they were holding onto my child for another few weeks. I wouldn't want to be away from my 3 year old for that length of time and so would be over to pick him/her up.

What you've described is very different Coola.

Gileswithachainsaw · 13/10/2013 12:00

But this was a choice. This wasn't "I'm ill, I need help"

Or a case of "desperate times means desperate measures" it's not a single parent doing the best she can to survive.

This is a mum , a grown adult who let her mum who she doesn't live with or seem to like very much talk her into something she apparently didn't want to do and who did t have to say yes who now actually doesn't seem that bothered about seeing her, just the extra work that may be needed to fix any attachment issues.

I don't think people would be so harsh if she was ill or hurt. She's just playing the victim whilst simultaneously trying to persuade everyone it's not as bad as it sounds Hmm

fedupoffeckingschool · 13/10/2013 12:12

Its a worry that her oh has not gone to get his dd? Is the oh her dad? Was this arranged before their visit with the gm to keep the dd? Really hope that little girl is back with her mum asap!

NatashaBee · 13/10/2013 13:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FatAssPantaloons · 14/10/2013 17:52

Did you decide what to do, OP?

PumpkinGuts · 14/10/2013 18:27

Who said they would never be seperated under any circumstances ?No one. But the op has not got to be seperated, she is basically accepting a situation that is not necessary because initially it suited her and now because she can't be bothered basically

DrHolmes · 14/10/2013 18:39

But what if the mum calls again in 5 weeks time to say "oh there is still an issue with the work so we will be another 5 weeks". How does the OP know that won't happen?!

MissStrawberry · 14/10/2013 18:56

I think that is incredibly unfair, PumpkinGuts. There could be any number of reasons why the OP hasn't gone and brought her child home, and only some she has posted about.

PumpkinGuts · 14/10/2013 19:23

We only have what the Op tells us to go on. If we aren't supposed to respond to posters based on the info provided it's going to go awfully quiet round these parts

and besides

If she had some genuine reason for not being able to get her dd wouldn't she have mentioned that and not that it would be awkward with work?

yonisareforever · 14/10/2013 20:22

Your being controlled by your mother, you know it too.

Over ride this for your daughter and get out there to get her back.

Now.

3for2 · 19/10/2013 23:14

How is everything op?

Boaty · 20/10/2013 08:13

I don't know whether this is a legit thread or not. These days we view it as unacceptable to leave our DC at all. Children are central to our lives, but different times and cultures have not always viewed children this way. I know this little story isn't relevant really but it is an interesting thought.
When my grandmother was 4 she and her 6 year old sister ( this was circa 1919) were put on a train at the local halt, and travelled on their own to Sheffield to stay with an aunt they had never met. They went home two years later! Their father was unable to get work following the war and couldn't support them. They didn't have psychological issues growing up. They were devoted to their parents. DGM looked after her mother in old age, I just about remember her.

ZillionChocolate · 20/10/2013 08:48

There can't be any certainty about the long term effect of this sort of thing. I don't think anyone would advise taking the chance.

britaxmaxwayuser · 20/10/2013 08:51

These replies are very British-biased. I live overseas, and in some cultures (Philippines, India etc). it is COMPLETELY NORMAL for the grandparents to care for children for extended periods of time while the parents go away to work.

You are all looking at this through the eyes of what is normal in Britain, but if the OP is from a different culture, the implications of this situation are nowhere near as significant as people on this thread are making them out to be.

SleepyFish · 20/10/2013 09:06

Totally agree britax. I personally would hate to be separated from my child for an extended period of time but a lot of my friends are Polish and almost all of them take their children over there in the summer and leave with GP's for several weeks. Usually so they can work more and their children can improve their Polish language skills. It's perfectly normal in other cultures and it does'nt seem to have a negative effect on my friends children.

Beastofburden · 20/10/2013 09:17

Well, no sign of the OP.

FWIW i think the Grandparents need to pay for the flight. The advice from professionals here seems to be that seven weeks is too long for a three year old.

LadyKooKoo · 20/10/2013 11:50

My DD is 2.4 months and is very close to my DM but not a chance in hell I would be away from her for 7 weeks! That is insane and God knows what DD would make of it. I wouldn't care about work or money, I would be on the next plane and would worry about the costs later.

LadyKooKoo · 20/10/2013 11:50

*2 years, four months

SHarri13 · 20/10/2013 12:33

Of course replies are British based, this is a mostly British forum at least from a residential point of view.

My children have spent up to a week with grandparents and I can certainly say that young children forget easily and form binds with carers very quickly! 7 weeks is such a long time, have you considered the effect it is going to have on her to be separated from her 'main' carer again when she comes back? She'll have had to deal with two lots of seperation in two months. I know many will tell of their positive stories from staying with grandparents but really you are striving for the ideal situation and while there are good outcomes from less than ideal situations you really do not have to put your child through this.

I personally find a few days seperation very difficult, I'd be beside myself by two weeks. In the OPs situation my child would have been home weeks ago.

Strumpetron · 20/10/2013 12:38

Poor kid.

DameDeepRedBetty · 20/10/2013 12:38

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Heymacarena · 20/10/2013 12:38

OP where are you?

If it were me, I would fnd the money for a ticket and go and retrieve DD.

It may not be as sinister as some are making out, but the fact is that OP does not want DD to be away. Or didn't in the first posting.

IslaValargeone · 20/10/2013 12:43

The question of cultural norms is not the issue here.
The Op has a controlling mother and is obviously not happy at the way she feels she has been manipulated.
Whether it is normal in the Philippines to look after your grandchildren is irrelevant, the op has been played here, big time.

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