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Original poster

Mother is refusing to bring DD (3) back from abroad as agreed!

253 replies

AbsolutelyBloodyFurious · 12/10/2013 14:57

My mother and stepfather live abroad in an Asian country that is a 16 hour flight away. They are out there due to my stepfather's work.

DH and I visited with DD (aged 3) last month for 2 weeks and as we had been experiencing some marital difficulties (he let's me do everything-cleaning, shopping, paperwork, childcare drop offs etc even though I earn double what he does and I am sick of it), my mother suggested that DD stay on with them for 2 weeks extra (as they are flying back to the UK anyway) to give us some time together.

I was not happy and said no initially as I am quite an anxious person and it is just too far away but was made to feel like an idiot so I agreed.

DD was supposed to come back next Wednesday but my mother has just rung me and said that they are postponing coming back until next month due to problems with stepfather's work so DD will have been over there for almost 7 weeks in all without us.

I am beyond furious. I would never have left her if I had any suspicion that they would do this. I am already completely stressed out worrying about DD constantly. My mother will look after her OK but anything could happen right? I cannot cope with another 5 weeks of this. There is also the impact this will have on DD being away from us so long.

I can't afford another flight out there and would need at least another week off work which I won't get.

Mother has said she won't fly back on her own with DD. She has to wait for my stepfather (mother does not work out there).

I want to bloody scream!!

OP posts:
Original poster
AbsolutelyBloodyFurious · 12/10/2013 16:03

DD is not at any risk. There is no worry of my mother keeping her Hmm.

I am only interested in what affect it will have on her emotionally. Anyone any ideas?

OP posts:
frogspoon · 12/10/2013 16:04

I think the difference between SP's situation is that it was planned. Nothing wrong with grandparents abroad looking after their GD for a period of time, as long as it has been pre-arranged.

This obviously came as a massive shock to the OP, she did not agree for her daughter to stay out there without seeing her for that long.

SweetSeraphim · 12/10/2013 16:05

Ah. So you have no intentions of going over to get her then? Only that's what you intimated in your OP.

KirjavaTheCorpse · 12/10/2013 16:05

My mother will look after her OK but anything could happen right? I cannot cope with another 5 weeks of this. There is also the impact this will have on DD being away from us so long.

Stop doubting yourself. Your anxiety alone is enough reason to go and get her. And there will be an impact, only you could guess as to what that will be, we don't know your daughter or your mother.

You can't cope with another five weeks without your daughter. That is your answer.

Serendipity30 · 12/10/2013 16:06

OP your her mother, how would we know how this would affect her. You know whether her relationship with your mother is close, if so she will probably fine. However what do you want posters to tell you?

ihearsounds · 12/10/2013 16:07

Well leave her then. When she comes back you will see how it effects her emotionally. Enjoy having fun with your hubby without the child around to annoy you. Hmm

Gileswithachainsaw · 12/10/2013 16:07

What? So you need to see written documented proof of prolonged separation on small children? Seriously?

You know your dd, we can't tell you that and if your looking for someone to say she will be ok then forget it. It's not going to happen from me or many others on this thread.

She's your child aren't you missing her?

nancy75 · 12/10/2013 16:07

op, you might have answered this already, if you can't go could your husband go and collect her instead? You have mentioned that you are not getting on great but he is her dad, how does he feel about her being away for so long?

Original poster
AbsolutelyBloodyFurious · 12/10/2013 16:09

I have not yet decided sweetseraphim. It will cause a major headache at work not to mention the cost. Of course DD is more important than all that but I wanted to see whether I was overreacting. It seems that I am not but a lot of replies are rather hysterical.

I am beyond livid with my mother but they can't see an issue either. DH has said it's up to me whether I can cope Hmm.

OP posts:
Hullygully · 12/10/2013 16:09

I think she will be fine. If your mother loves and cares for her, she will be absolutely fine. People do all sorts of different things, some children go and live abroad with relatives for years on end.

I would be furious at her just changing her mind and the arrangements, but I don't think dd will suffer.

There is a lot of mad hysteria about abduction etc.

Spaulding · 12/10/2013 16:10

This has to be BS, because I can't believe that someone is actually considering letting their child stay another 5 weeks. In your OP you sound desperate to get her back, now you don't seem to bothered about it and just want to find out if there will be any emotional impact on her. None of know your daughter and how she will cope with almost two months without her parenys in a foreign country with relatives she doesn't see very often. Only you can make that judgement. But how you're not booking the next flight is just... Shock there are no words.

Original poster
AbsolutelyBloodyFurious · 12/10/2013 16:10

Actually I am not having a great time without my DD at all. We have not even been out Hmm.

OP posts:
KirjavaTheCorpse · 12/10/2013 16:11

I'm sorry that's baffling to me, as a mother of a 3yo.

I can't fathom how you're even able to ask whether it will effect her. I'd be taking out a payday loan and on a plane before that question even occured to me.

But then maybe I'm hysterical.

LookingThroughTheFog · 12/10/2013 16:11

AbsolutelyBloodyFurious, my concern is that you have said that your mother is controlling. She bullied you. So why would you leave your child in that situation. She's 3, and has absolutely no ability to talk your MIL down, to hold off taking care of grandma's emotions, to stand up for what she needs... you've left her with someone who does not prioritise other people's needs.

The leaving her there was one thing - I can see how that might happen, but not going to retrieve her now is another. Do you really want her being this involved with your mother and for so long?

I went, dutifully, to visit my grandma when Dad wasn't talking to her. In that room I heard how my mother didn't love us, wasn't capable of love, was an empty vessel with no heart at all, how Dad was miserable and that was all my mother's fault, how he was evil too, but made so by the evil bitch he married. I cried about it. She rang my mum to tell her lies about me (I was being bullied at school - that was news to all of us). I haven't seen her for years, despite massive pressure being put on my by my Dad who is back in her good books and being manipulated by her all over again. Apparently she only has two weeks to live. I was told this in May 2012, and she still only has seconds left, so I really should go and make peace with her. I'm not having that for me and my children. Now I'm an adult, I can choose not to be subjected to that manipulation. I wish someone else had made the same choice for me when I was a child.

Inertia · 12/10/2013 16:11

You sound very dispassionate about it - you are only interested in our views about the emotional impact on your child? Doesn't matter what we think. You don't sound that bothered about being apart from her for nearly two months - most parents would be desperate to have their 3yo home.

SirChenjin · 12/10/2013 16:11

Who knows what effect it will have on her emotionally?

I'm a bit confused - firstly you said "I am beyond furious. I would never have left her if I had any suspicion that they would do this. I am already completely stressed out worrying about DD constantly. My mother will look after her OK but anything could happen right? I cannot cope with another 5 weeks of this. There is also the impact this will have on DD being away from us so long" - now you're saying "DD is not at any risk. There is no worry of my mother keeping her hmm. I am only interested in what affect it will have on her emotionally. Anyone any ideas?"

You seem to have swung from fury, concern for her welfare in that anything could happen, worry that you cannot cope with another 5 weeks of being apart, and worry about the long term impact of this separation on your DD, to feeling that everything is fine, but you'd just like to know what effect it will have on her emotionally

Confused
Spaulding · 12/10/2013 16:11

*parents.

And apologies if I sound a bit pissy, but I just can't believe there is even a debate!

SweetSeraphim · 12/10/2013 16:12

Can you get hold of the money though? I've asked you twice now. Do you have any other dc?

I don't really understand what you're asking, if I'm honest Confused

I'm not a hysterical parent. But I wouldn't be leaving either of my dc in a country so far away if there was any way I could go and get them.

You just sound like you're not all that arsed and that the most important thing is what your mum is doing. It's odd.

Booboostoo · 12/10/2013 16:12

If my DM did that to me I would tell that she either brought DD back on the agreed date or never saw her again. If DD was not back I would be on the first plane out there to collect her. 7 weeks is an incredibly long time at that age.

Serendipity30 · 12/10/2013 16:13

You are calling posters hysterical? Have you read your original post? Actually what posters have done is give you their opinion. Obviously we are unknown people on the internet, but you asked and got. However the decision should be made by you and your husband. And if you are not going to get her then thats up to you.

NatashaBee · 12/10/2013 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kali110 · 12/10/2013 16:14

Dont agree that the gm has abducted dd, if op wanted her back so much she would be on a plane now. Im a very nervous flyer and would not even be able to manage a 4 hour flight let alone 16!
If you don't want to leave her go get her, if shes happy and your happy then leave her there but stop trying to geg others to justify it.

everlong · 12/10/2013 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gileswithachainsaw · 12/10/2013 16:14

You don't even sound that bothered now tbh. I did have some sympathy for you at first now you just sound like you don't care and as for your DHs response , well he doesn't give a shit either does he.

That poor girl is in a strange country with virtual strangers and you don't care. Nice.

Beamur · 12/10/2013 16:15

FWIW - I couldn't have accepted being separated from my 3yr old (or now, when she is 6) for that long and if there was anything I could have done to get her, I would do it.
7 weeks is a very long time for a 3 yr old.