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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off at BIL's and SIL's money issues?

210 replies

DSM · 09/10/2013 15:12

Lets's begin this with the story - this is about DP's Brother and his wife.

DP and I are both low earners (both

OP posts:
Kat3L · 10/10/2013 15:34

YANBU, this would really annoy me too and yes, it's their insensitivity and their blooming cheek, that would get to me!

I think a few prepared phrases could be useful if your BIL/SIL try this sort of thing again, along the lines of "'I'm afraid we don't have any money 'til pay day" / "Money's tight as usual this month, we can't afford it."

You don't need to be as crass as them talking about your income etc but plenty of mentions of belt tightening as Christmas expenses loom could be helpful too.

And, as they're so upfront about their finances could you pleasantly suggest they put expenses like the wine on a credit card temporarily and maybe remind them that they'll easily be able to pay it off when BIL's salary increases whereas you won't be in a position to do the same.

Bedtime1 · 10/10/2013 16:07

Your starting to sound more unreasonable. If you didn't want to pay then you have to make do. When the wines gone have tea or water! It's not a problem. You didn't have to buy the wine and nobody is forcing you to pay for a hotel. You didn't have to go.
In honesty I think they should have paid for the wine, you took a bottle,. If they only told you when you were on your way, then you didn't have to buy much or if you did next time they come to yours for dinner make sure you tell them when they are en route to your house they need to bring the wine etc.

The point is no one is forcing you to do anything, they can expect all they want but you do what you want, your in control.

Really don't let there comments about money affect you. You are in control and can change the topic, quickly gloss over it and move on. If it steers back to that change it back to something you have to say. Say yes it's tough for us all, maybe she will get the hint then. If she really won't shut up about the topic and moaning about money then talk to someone else, go to the loo or say you have a headache and go.

Original poster
DSM · 10/10/2013 16:10

The wine thing is such a small, non issue!

I didn't mind paying for wine, because I wanted wine. However, I still think its cheeky and shitty to ask us to. TBH, I don't want to spend £60 on a hotel, £40 on travel and organise an overnight babysitter to sit and drink water all night. But that's really not the issue.

Nobody forced us to do anything! and I did not imply that they did. However, hey invited us over, we hadn't seen them in a while, it is DP's brother and the fact is, we live over 100 miles apart and as they can't accommodate us, when we visit, we have to stay in a hotel. No, we didn't have to go. You are right.

OP posts:
WipsGlitter · 10/10/2013 16:16

That is madness. Did you just see them for dinner, not during the day or anything?

Treaguez · 10/10/2013 16:18

Ok now you've said about them not letting you stay because it disrupts the morning routine, and driving 100 miles to see them...NO. No, they are crass. I'm sorry, I think it's horrible of them to not offer to put you up. It sounds like you do need to define some boundaries with them.

Please be aware that talking about money makes us uncomfortable.
No we are happy to see you next time but we can't afford a hotel at the moment.

Otherwise it'll just continue.

Bedtime1 · 10/10/2013 16:30

Do they come and see you at your home?

EldritchCleavage · 10/10/2013 16:35

Yep, they're tight. The money moaning is their justification for it but actually they just sound stingy. Don't put yourselves out financially for them, really.

expatinscotland · 10/10/2013 16:52

Then next time, DSM, don't. Tell them the truth: you can't afford it. Ask them to come to yours. Because the fact is, people like this can only behave how they do because others enable it. Don't be one of those. It's not about money, it's about stinginess.

CailinDana · 10/10/2013 17:00

Sounds like my bitch of a sister. Earns plenty but moans about being broke because she is so self centred she honestly think spending a single penny on anyone but herself is a massive hardship. I stupidly had her as a bridesmaid at my wedding, paid for her dress, jewellry and shoes, and was told I would not be getting a present as it was costing her so much to attend the wedding (which was abroad). Never mind that sge chose to stay on an extra week, or chose an expensive hotel, that was money spent on herself so it was worth it. But buying a present (or even a card) for your sister's wedding - nope, can't afford it

Treaguez · 10/10/2013 17:02

BTW I have been trying to work out if they could possibly also be my BIL and SIL Grin

They are always on about money (well, she is) and consistently poking their nose into other people's financial affairs with no basis of knowledge, just a lot of supposition. They are convinced that people in the family are loaded, and if not, that it's because they are stupid about money. Most of us just work hard and bumble along not knowing what this brother has or this aunt gets in pensions. BIL and SIL love nothing more than mentioning the thousands of pounds they net monthly and how special the bank manager makes them feel. Grin [boak]

However BIL doesn't have a brother so it can't be them. Bah.

CailinDana · 10/10/2013 17:04

In my sister's case her moaning has nothing to do with money, she would moan if she earned millions because in her mind pleading poverty gets her out of spending any of her precious cash on anyone else.

ringaringarosy · 10/10/2013 17:04

50k when one parents stays at home snt mazing to be honest,they dont actually earn that much than you really.Its definitly not out of the money problems range.

LIZS · 10/10/2013 17:08

I'd assumed you lived near them to visit and know their affairs so well ! Honestly don't travel 100miles to be unhappy. You can't choose family but you can limit how much you see them.

Original poster
DSM · 10/10/2013 17:15

wips yes. We were invited round from 7pm.

bedtime yes they do, and they stay here when they visit us. And incase it is relevant, they never bring a gift when they come, flowers or wine or such, though neither do DP's parents so maybe it's a family thing. I was brought up to never go empty handed.

lizs I know, but other than their money whinging, we get on well. And we love love love our nieces so not seeing them often is out of the question.

OP posts:
ZippityDoodahday · 10/10/2013 18:08

How is £50k not a lot if one parent stays at home? Does it depend on where you live? I can't understand this at all! I'm a sahm & dh's gross income is £30k & we manage just fine. Confused

ringaringarosy · 10/10/2013 18:14

Because only one person is earning,if two people earn 20k then thats not that much worse off than one person earning 50k,for two people,its certainly not enough more that e op should think that they shouldnt be allowed to moan about money,its not a huge gap,if she had said the bil and sil earnt 100k a yr then yeah maybe.

ringaringarosy · 10/10/2013 18:15

it does depend on where you live,everyone knows that.

Itstartshere · 10/10/2013 18:48

YANBU I do think it's incredibly galling when someone you perceive to be very well off moans about being poor. I have a relative who does just that, they bought a house worth £1million, they privately educate their children, she wears only designer gear and I swear every time there's a family party she's dropped in 'we'd LOVE to be doing xyz but sadly finances don't allow it at the moment,' etc.

Really, some people just don't get what other people are living through. It's very annoying, but it's just ignorance. They won't change. Only thing you can do is pull them up on it if they say similar again, and ask if they realise your financial situation compared to theirs. And rise above it.

Bearbehind · 10/10/2013 19:11

I do know the full story. I do know their history and background. These aren't friends or acquaintances, it's DP's brother.

Sorry OP but I'd don't believe you know the 'full story' (unless you audit their bank statements) when you don't even know why your own tax code includes deductions.

You can't know the extent of any debts, pension payments, medical insurance payments, tax deductions etc that they might have and if you do that's not a normal conversation to have with siblings.

They are being crass by moaning when they earn more than you do but you seem to have a bit of an unhealthy obsession with it all.

Let it wash over you, don't continue any conversations about money, and don't enable them to take the piss out of you financially.

Original poster
DSM · 10/10/2013 19:34

Not that I care really, what you think, but I do know.

I know they don't pay into a pension. We have recently had a long discussion about this.

I know they don't have private medical care.

And I know they have no debts.

No idea about tax deductions though, you got me there.

I don't know why you think these aren't normal conversations to have with siblings. Maybe they aren't, I don't know. We've had them though. And I could tell you almost all the same facts about my own sister and her wife.

I'm not unhealthily obsessed, by any stretch! They tell me everything, hence I know it all. I do not enquire. I do not, particularly, care.

I care that they tell me, then complain to me about being poor. When they know our circumstances as we they.

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 10/10/2013 19:47

It really isn't normal or healthy to know that much about your siblings financial status, but, even if that's the situation, more fool you for shelling out for a hotel/ wine/ travel when you know they are taking the piss.

You really do need to step away from it all as they won't change.

Lazysuzanne · 10/10/2013 20:09

'It really isn't normal or healthy to know that much about your siblings financial status'

dont be daft, people are private or open about such matters according to personal preference!

I fail to see how there can be anything inherently pathological about being open

Bearbehind · 10/10/2013 20:18

I dont think it is healthy to know that much when it just winds you up.

Aside from the fact that I think the extent of the OP's knowledge of her siblings financial affairs is weird, the way I see it her choices are:-

Tell them to shut up about money and refuse to allow them to take the piss out of you

And/ or - Increase your own earnings. You could do this by improving your qualifications (it does not take 6 years of full time education to attain qualifications which allow you to earn more money, you could study part time or do distance learning) or by working longer hours (28 hours is not full time and you can't try and make out it is full time by adding lunch breaks on as employers have to give you a lunch break)

Or- Go on an Internet forum and moan about it but do nothing to change it.........

NationalCervix · 10/10/2013 20:28

People will always moan about money!

Our yearly income is about 10,000 - sometimes less.

My parents' income is over 200,000.

Yet they are "skint", oh and desperately sad that they only got three holidays last year Hmm

You can't control it so try not to get stressed about it although even I am jealous

Pigsmummy · 10/10/2013 20:59

What did they cook for dinner?