To be pissed off at BIL's and SIL's money issues?

[DSM]

Lets's begin this with the story - this is about DP's Brother and his wife.

DP and I are both low earners (both

I don't know the ins and outs but I know they have absolutely no mortgage on the rented property. Or at least that's what they say. I'm fairly sure they aren't bullshitting but maybe I am totally wrong...

I'm not in the least but jealous! I have lots of friends who earn triple what we do - it's no issue! It is an issue when they moan about being poor. To me. I'm poor.

Saying they are cleverer and harder working.. Well, maybe. DP and I both work long, hard hours (myself in a physically demanding job) and given she doesn't work at all, I don't think that's a fair statement. Cleverer, yeah fair enough.

I'm not resentful!! But I don't think IABU to think they should keep their money word to themselves, or at least share with people in a similar position?

DSM, I agree its a bit of a cheek to expect you to sympathise with them. Unless they are stupid they must realise the financial difference you would think!

I dont know what the answer is apart from to try to let it wash over you, although I understand thats difficult. Or just blow up at them next time they start moaning, you might need to for them to fully get the message!

It is horrible though, and totally unreasonable of them to not think before they speak.

(just an aside, my SIL was born with a silver serving spoon in her mouth, and does my head in, but over the years Ive come to see not all is what it seems, and I`d rather my background to hers anyday, her wealth has paid a massive massive price in her family, I mean, you know you and your DP are happy, content healthy etc, do you see what I mean)

They cannot possibly get tax credits and earn 50k. Figures just don't add up.
Plus i would always bring wine if being invited for dinner.

All the detail about the finances is a red herring. You can't get away from the fact that it is incredibly insensitive to moan about how poor you are, to someone much worse off than you.

I WAS BRINGING WINE!!

Just one bottle, and flowers.

But they asked us to bring booze for all four of us. So we had to stop and get more.

Never mind. I've had enough of explaining basic points when the bigger picture has been answered plenty of times and IANBU.

For god sake - she already said that they were taking wine (a bottle or two) but the they phoned up and asked them to take enough for everyone for the whole evening - I am sure none of you do that.

DSM ins and outs aside... you are completely right, they are being massively insenstive and should, as you say, 'know their audience'. I hope you win the lottery! :)

DupontetDupond fair point if you are on a decent historic tracker rate on your residential property.

You are not at all unreasonable. They sound rude insensitive. As for some of the comments directed against you , I can only assume they come from individuals who also earn large amounts ( or their partners do) and are equally bad at managing their money. There's a defensiveness along with that ridiculous assumption that people on low wages do work as hard as those with high earnings. Poverty is entirely of an individuals own making; didn't you know ?

Not read the entire thread, but a household income of £50k (I assume that's gross - take home clearly far less) isn't that large. it should mean you're loaded, but it doesn't.

I would not have able to afford to pick up more so it would have been a glass for each. YANBU.

Yanbu OP. It's most odd though isn't it that people that are well off seem to do this quite often. Both of my brothers who are both very well off are a bit like this. One of them is also incredibly stingey if we ever go out to eat. And all the time he is telling us he is agonising about which tupe of swimming pool to have in his new massive extension!

When they start moaning again. Couldn't you just say well you'll be okay when he's finished his training. Maybe come across as helpful maybe say I'm sure you'll be okay it's not long now then change the subject.

I wouldn't write yourself off either. You say this is it for you forever moneywise but why is it? Why can't it change for you and your husband? Why not put your focus into that instead of wasting time thinking about them. If you put that time into your life I'm sure your life could change too.

My dh used to earn near 50k, we never got tax credits or cb. Though he did pay 40% tax to HM. I wasn't working at the time either.
They may have lied to you about how much he earns.
Tell them to go shop Lidl or Aldi

If you know that YANBU, why ask in the first place, spend a long thread trying to convince everyone else??

Yanbu . They are being rude and insensitive.

If they have gone from 140k to 50k it is a bit more understandable why they are feeling poor. Still very insensitive though. To my mind, so long as they are generious when they are flush I would be minded to let it go(for now). What were they like when he was earning 140k?

lessmissabs You say they are cleverer like it is something they have achieved. It's not. Being clever is just a genetic lottery. A combination of genes and opportunity.

Whether you can make a good living from cleverness is also a bit random. There are a lot of very talented artists out there who are waitressing. The equivalent talent / cleverness in financial generally leads to decently paid employment.

Sorry that should be financial maths - not just financial.

Some families are very open about finances. Mine are. Probably because:-

1. Both my parents worked in the public sector so anyone who wanted to could look up their salary.
2. My mum was an accountant so she likes talking about money.
3. My mum grew up with parents who were very secretive about money. It was a complete shock to her when the bailiffs turned up.

Moaning about money is poor form IMO, but just because he will earn a lot more in a couple of years doesn't mean they're well of now. £50k for a family of four with two cars and two properties? That's not a lot of money. However, if they're that skint the SIL should work, rather than complain. I can understand your irritation.

OP who paid him?

^He has just finished the last part of his training, and during training he was paid a basic £50k salary.

why would you train someone so they can set up on their own and earn 900k?

a family of four with two cars and two properties? That's not a lot of money.
it may not give them a level of disposable income which they feel is commensurate with their assets, BUT owning 2 cars & 2 properties puts you in a privileged position compared to the average person

Sorry you are getting such a pasting OP, I don't think it is merited.

It is one thing to have a disparity of income with your siblings (I do, don't mind or begrudge at all) and another when they show complete insensitivity to it.

On any view, they are not poor. And even if they are bad with money, moaning about things that are the result of one's own choices is always annoying to listen to. If your BIL and SIL are genuinely hard up, they can sell some assets. And if not, then claiming to be so is an irritating affectation.

Probably way beyond this now but to those saying the take home pay would be similar are wrong. According to my superwhizzy excel calculator at work someone on 50k would take home just over 34k after tax, ni and pension.
A person on 17k and 9k and CB and CTC would get just over 23k so not the same at all. Almost half again.
Also there are no rent or mortgage costs coming out of that 34k. Whereas the OP is paying out 9600 in rent so left with only 13400 so quite a different scenario.

Is the bil a hit man? The OP mentioned contracts...

I think you are BU to keep talking about money with them. How on earth do you know what he earned before? You seem to be scratching an itch as far as the dissection of their finances is concerned. When you see them in future, just say you don't want to talk about boring old money, and discuss Syria/Nobel Prize for Literature/Strictly Come Dancing instead.