to really hate this couple?

[Reality]

This is just a rant, really. They were in my dream last night so I've been stewing on it this morning.

I thought they were friends of ours, his wife was (I thought) my best friend but with hindsight they were just users, they used to come here for dinner and drinks almost every weekend and leave their DD here, for example, the favour was never returned.

When we were planning our wedding, they asked me if their DD could be a bridesmaid and if he could be our photographer (he isn't a professional, just a hobbyist), a few months down the line they said, oh as payment for being your photographer you can pay for our room at the hotel. I have no idea why I went along with this but I think I genuinely thought they had our best interests at heart and were doing us a favour. The room was about £250 I think, a family room for them and their DD. We also invited her parents (and paid for a meal etc) as they asked us to.

So, the wedding photos were predictably awful, we had a list of family shots we wanted and none of them happened, I have no photos of my sisters at my wedding, for example, and loads of photos of his wife and DD.

He spent a good ten minutes staging a shot that made it look like DH was snogging my mother (with the camera angle), and fucking PHOTOSHOPPED one of DH and my mum dancing to move DH's hand onto my mum's arse. These were the shots he was most proud of and plastered them all over Facebook.

We had to wait about six months for any copies of our photos, and he charged us a fortune for some framed shots, it's only now I work for a print company that I realise how much he ripped us off on those. We asked him literally every weekend for a good six months about the photos before he eventually gave us a disc with them on, and arranged the framed prints at the same time. He charged us £100 for each print, they were framed in plastic frames from Wilkos.

So as not to dripfeed, this is the man who broke into my house and assaulted me while I slept, a couple of years after the wedding. We obviously dont' see him any more and he was arrested for it although not charged. She hasn't spoken to me since and 'can't forgive me' for calling the police. She blanks me at school and Scouts although still has a cheery hello for DH.

So obviously I have that context to it. But I am fixating on the wedding stuff this morning. I am really fucking angry about it and need to have a big old AIBU rant.

They are cunts, aren't they? Or is it me?

[mysticminstrel]

Do you know something that helped me? (as I've been a bit of a pushover in the past) is realising that it is ok to disappoint people sometimes.

You don't have to do anything just because somebody else wants you to - and you will quickly work out who your real friends are, because they may be disappointed that you won't/can't do something for you - but it won't affect their friendship with you.

[Reality]

Something DH picked up on and reminded me of this morning is that I earned a funded scholarship to a fantastic school and my parents wouldn't let me go because, mainly, they wouldn't be able to afford to send my sister( and she wouldn't win a scholarship herself.)

So I didn't go. DH says that's the theme of my life. We joke about me being the Queen of fucking Everything (and dh makes sure I am in this hiuse) but in other interactions I tend to put myself last.

Mad, really

[Reality]

Thanks Mystic.

[Reality]

[BOF]

It's not a fragile veneer, you know. It's your hard-won wisdom. And god knows we all have issues from childhood. I think some good self-focused writing will really help you, and working towards another challenge like your 100k walk will help you get physically and mentally stronger than hitting the wine and fags, as is the temptation so often.

All the people I've ever known to train as therapists are madder than a bagful of wasps I should know, I qualified myself. There is more than one way to crack a nut.

[mysticminstrel]

That's really shit about your scholarship reality :(

It's alright to put yourself first, and I'm glad DH is on your side here.

[AnyFucker]

Boffy, what a brilliant friend you sound.

[BOF]

Brains will out, my love. You will achieve world domination anyway.

[BOF]

Thanks AF . She's impossible not to love though.

[redexpat]

As everyone else is saying, you need to resolve this. Start with seeing your GP and a counsellor. Find out which other treatments are available. You might not need then, but it's always good to know your options.

[lottieandmia]

What unbelievably awful people - I really feel for you OP and I remember your thread about the husband assaulting you. Awful, just awful.

[Almostfifty]

My eldest went through a trauma a few years ago. Whilst it has been on his mind since then, it's only now starting to really affect him, he's having nightmares, flashbacks and is losing sleep because of it.

He's started counselling, and it's really working. They've given him strategies to deal with things as they happen, and he's having fortnightly meetings going through the whole thing layer by layer.

I'd go to the GP and get on the waiting list. Sadly it might take some time, but at least you'll have started the process.

Good luck.

[oldgrandmama]

You poor girl - I am sending the very very worst karma to that disgusting couple. Hope the rant's made you feel a little better.

[Reality]

Proper crying now.

Love you BOF xx

[MammaTJ]

It's like my brain is trying to put my house in order.

Yes, that's what I think too. Sort of getting through our dreams what will never happen in real life.

[MrsZimt]

"All the people I've ever known to train as therapists are madder than a bagful of wasps"

Arf. Maybe that should be my new career.

Reality, they sound truly awful. Of course it's not you. I have experience with people like that. Don't let them get to you years down the line. You sound strong, not veneery at all and your dh sounds lovely too. You've got more than they will ever have.

[Pawprint]

Good God, they sound foul. The incident of the assault leaves me staggered - unbelievable.

As for the wedding, well they acted out of greed and took advantage of you. There is something really creepy (not to mention Freudian) about the groom/mother of bride 'snogging' and 'hand on bum' photographs. Not funny at all and disgraceful that he put them up on FB.

I hope you feel a bit better for having written it all down.

[pantsonbackwards]

They are 'pillars of the community' types, she is a school governer, he's a scout leader, they do lots of charity stuff and are very well known locally. I feel like I would be judged for smearing their good name, kind of thing. My friends and family have no such qualms however and bring it up in public a lot. I know several people who removed their children from his Scouts.

That's brilliant! The news must have spread and lots of people must know what they are like by now.

[AlpacaPicnic]

Its almost like PTSD isn't it? And possibly because it feels 'unresolved' then its playing on your mind.

[QueenStromba]

I remember your thread about the assault and I'm sorry to hear that nothing came of his arrest. I think it would do you good to make sure that something positive has come out of the whole experience with these cunts.

You talk about being a pushover. Perhaps CBT would be good for you to help you see that the worthwhile people in your life will understand if you can't do something for them. The people who get pissed off if you say no once in a while are people that aren't worth knowing anyway. I've only recently started feeling like I can say no when someone asks me for a favour but I'm getting better at it and everyone still likes me.

[AltogetherAndrews]

We don't know each other Reality, and maybe this won't be useful to you, but maybe it would help if you could try and shift your emotional response to them. At the moment you are filled with anger, and fair enough, cos they are a pair of cunts, but that is really destructive and exhausting for you.

Try feeling pity. Not sympathy, cos they don't deserve it, but pity, cos they are pathetic. She is married to a sex offender. She knows it. He knows it. And instead of having the moral strength to face up to it, she shifts the blame to you. But she knows that's a fiction. Their whole lives together are based on lies and not being able to face the elephant in the room. How shit, and unpleasant their lives together must be. No intimacy, no friendship between them, just a charade. And the fear that it will happen again. How much better is your life, with a DH you love and trust, and good friends like BoF. They can't have that, because they are both too weak. How pathetic.

[MinnieBar]

Oi Bof! I'm not as mad as a box of wasps!!

At least, I don't think so…

From your other threads you rarely challenge your family do you Reality? What would happen if you did?

[Reality]

Gawd knows. Ww3 most likely. We rumble along.

[TombOfMummyBeerest]

How awful. The fact that you can see them so often without socking them both in the face is beyond me. I'd do it without shame. That's fucking brutal.

If he's working in Scouts, I wouldn't want that man anywhere near my kids. Have you told anyone there?

[Reality]

Their family basically run scouts in our area, they all know what happened but of course choose to believe him that I'm mental and overreacting.

I have been pretty much ostracised by a whole section of the local community. Fun stuff.