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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be outraged by children's centre

263 replies

quertas · 04/10/2013 20:25

I've just received a letter from my local children's centre congratulating me in the birth of my baby (well he was born 3 months ago so thanks but the moment for congrats has rather passed) and stating that 'an appointment has been made' for next tues (letter arrived today) for someone to come and visit me at home to tell me about the services at the children's centre. Aibu to see this as a bloody liberty and to wonder where the actual fuck this person gets off inviting herself into my home?

OP posts:
neverputasockinatoaster · 05/10/2013 09:55

I would have loved to be contacted after the birth of DD. I was very isolated, was probably suffering from PND and DS was being very challenging (has since been diagnosed as being ASD).

I did, in the end, access the CC as I broke down on a HV at the clincic and she made sure I attended the breast feeding group and then other activities with DS. Through that DS was given a nursery place 2 afternoons a week and I had access to support.

I can see how it might feel to be told when they are visiting but I would have appreciated it as I wasn't in a fit state to be proactive myself.

mrsjay · 05/10/2013 09:58

we have no childrens centres within 50 miles of where i live that is an awful lot of parents isolated at home, OP are you always so angry

RevoltingPeasant · 05/10/2013 09:59

Sometimes, I think MN is a parallel universe....

OP: MIL, my child's grandma, just announced she is coming for a visit when I have a small baby, didn't even check it was convenient!
MN: YANBU, how awful!

OP: some random outreach worker told me she is coming to my house tomorrow, when it's messy and I'm knackered with a new baby! AIBU to think this is rude?
MN: you cheeky ungrateful bitch!

Confused
mrsjay · 05/10/2013 10:04

TBF i think the whole GP visiting scenario is bonkers too and the inviting to the home is a bit odd

SaucyJack · 05/10/2013 10:07

YANBU.

If you, as a (hopefully!) sane, experienced mum feel offended/intimidated/hassled by such a heavy handed approach then think how much worse a mum who is genuinely unsure or struggling might react.

Officiousness is not the way to build trusting, supportive relationships.

RevoltingPeasant · 05/10/2013 10:47

In a perfectly serious vein, I think if I were struggling with a new baby, someone coming round to my house would make me feel more pressured, especially if it were just announced.

I know people keep saying 'oh they are not there to suss you out'. And I'm sure that's true.

But on this thread, we've already had that poor young toddler in Bradford mentioned and Daniel Pelka, and we have another thread on here saying HV visits should be compulsory. People obviously connect these things.

I don't think making new mothers feel under scrutiny is helpful.

MrsDeVere · 05/10/2013 10:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CoolaSchmoola · 05/10/2013 11:02

Rooners yes you got me completely wrong, I was definitely not being nasty at all, but reading my post back I can see that my wording wasn't perhaps optimum.

The reason I know CC get asked to make contact by other agencies is because the police asked my local one to make contact with me to offer any support I may have needed after my husband was involved in an accident. They also asked my HV to call, and SS. As it happened I'm a stoical old bird and was fine but I didn't get affronted or outraged by the offer of support.

Perhaps it helps that I used to work for SS and so know that not everyone offer of support is a criticism,

WahIzzit · 05/10/2013 11:03

Yabu

After the birth of my first dc I was very isolated and all alone, having moved hundreds of miles away and no family nearby. The local children's centre sent me a letter and then visited. Told me all about the baby groups and activities going on. It was a lifeline for me and have made numerous friends there, including the staff! They were not interfering at all, and were really friendly and supportive.

The staff told many of the scheduled home visits are cancelled by the new parents or they fail to be at home. So it is not like you HAVE to see them if you dont want to. But for many parents its very helpful.

WahIzzit · 05/10/2013 11:04

Told me

LittleRobots · 05/10/2013 11:06

Our CC only runs one lets play a week... I think it would be a bit of a waste of time to make visits to let people know that!

I'd be keen to know if they did lots - especially subsidised regular activities. Sounds like you've got a good one.

CoolaSchmoola · 05/10/2013 11:11

Gah, phone!

and perhaps that's why I wasn't as clear as I could have been in my post. We didn't know anything about the op at that point, and because of that she could have been in a situation where they had been asked to make contact.

My DH was in hospital for quite a while and was very very ill. I can appreciate why the police thought I might benefit from some extra support, asking SS to contact me was a little OTT, but I'd rather a social workers did have quick chats with people to see if there is a need there, than waited until things had already gone wrong.

Helpyourself · 05/10/2013 11:31

This thread should be linked to in the next serious case review after a child dies. It shows the difficulty HPs have in accessing families.

Rooners · 05/10/2013 11:58

Peppermint - thankyou for explaining.

Coola - I am really sorry, I took it as a sarcastic post not so much because of your wording but in its context among so many hostile posts.

I looked back and read it again after a minute and realised it could have been completely genuine. Massive apologies for assuming otherwise.

KatieScarlett2833 · 05/10/2013 12:13

Why couldn't they send a letter outlining their service with a number to call if you need more information?
I would have rung them and cancelled on principle at the assumed consent.

PeppermintScreams · 05/10/2013 12:39

KatieScarlett - They can't call because they have no credit on their phone, (because they spent the money on food) they can't read the letter because they are illiterate or their glasses broke and they can't afford a new pair, they ignore the letter because they think it's a bill, they are so overwhelmed with everything they can't call anyone about anything and that's just the start of a long list.

KatieScarlett2833 · 05/10/2013 12:46

But it's a children's centre. Not a GP or SS or any of the other agencies who have legitimate business inviting themselves in. To me it's like the library telling me there coming round in Tuesday to tell me about the new audio section. Interesting but not essential IYSWIM?

shockers · 05/10/2013 12:53

I'd be annoyed too. They could have sent some leaflets detailing their services, or phoned to ask if there was anything you needed help or advice with, but to assume that you're happy to be in and welcoming at a time of their choice is a bit presumptuous.

BeScarefulWhatYouWitchFor · 05/10/2013 12:57

It's the making of the appointment that would annoy me.

A letter making me aware of the CC's existence, the services they offer and that if I wanted to speak to someone about anything, in confidence, then I could make an appointment to speak to someone would be fine.

SaucyJack · 05/10/2013 13:02

Helpyourself

Do you honestly, seriously think making comments that attempt to link normal parents who don't want to use an entirely voluntary service with the likes of Tracey Connelly and Magdelena Luczak are in any way helpful?

I don't doubt CC have a great deal to offer parents from all walks of life. But making people feel as though they have to go somewhere that make them feel scrutinized and under suspicion when they do attend, and twice so when they don't is absolutely not the way to get them to trust you enough to ask for support if they do start struggling.

Helpyourself · 05/10/2013 13:21

Saucy I do.
The more time agencies spend sifting through the reasons for non engagement the less time they have to identify and help families and children in genuine need.

ScarerAndFuck · 05/10/2013 13:30

Our Children's Centre does this.

They are rated by Ofsted in the same way as schools are and one of the requirements for their Ofsted is to contact and hopefully visit everyone who has recently given birth, or at least to prove they have tried.

I know it's annoying to be sent an 'appointment' you haven't asked for or had any input into arranging but it's apparently a fairly successful way for CC's to get to meet parents and children and bring them into the groups and services they offer. People feel better about walking into a session if they have already met a member of staff.

Bizarrely, our CC is also targeted on reducing the number of people who attend our local A&E department when they might have been better going elsewhere for treatment or advice first.

rumbleinthrjungle · 05/10/2013 13:31

The issue is less whether or not the CC's services are worthwhile - locally ours and their staff are fantastic and they're far more help than most other services - it's the being informed of an appointment the OP did not make or seek, that uses her own home without her prior consent or knowledge. That is invasive, rude and likely to put off any mother who has anything to be concerned about or hide, who are the mothers the CCs most want to help. I'd be annoyed by that too and I don't think it's in the least an overreaction. Plus I'd be worried that cancelling the appointment would lead to flagging up - as if it's a measure intended to identify high risk families, then avoiding the appointment should do! Repeat cancelling of and not showing for an appointments is a safeguarding red flag in itself.

Unfortunately with the awful news of neglect and child deaths lately I suspect parents are going to find things move a lot more towards professionals having the right of access to homes and children rather than on invitation, as it is the only possible way to identify those very, very few parents keeping under the radar to cover up abuse.

SauvignonBlanche · 05/10/2013 13:43

Peppermint, so if the Children's centre get a list of still births then it means that someone didn't read it for my poor DSis to get contacted by them?

HeffalumpTheFlump · 05/10/2013 14:07

Completely agree that the children's centres offer some fantastic services and support. However I agree with the op that it is intrusive to make an appointment without consent. I would not like that at all. There is no reason why they couldn't get in touch and ask if the family would like an appointment. They would probably waste less time as people obviously are not allowing them access anyway. I agree that making the appointment without permission implies that the new mum/family have no choice.

I think they are more likely to put people's backs up to be honest, it seems counter intuitive.

Our local centre do charge for some of the groups. It says so on their timetable.