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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask sahms

158 replies

rosieposey78 · 04/10/2013 19:49

If your working dh/dpis hands on in the evening.
Most evenings he does nothing because he does 13 hour dqys normally including commute.
Whenever I talk to other mums their partner appear to take over or at leat support in the evening.
What happens in your home?
I suspect he is being unreasonable.
We have 2 primary aged dc and an 11 month old.

OP posts:
IrnBruTheNoo · 04/10/2013 19:54

DH works shifts - two day shifts, then two night shifts.

I do everything myself when he's on the day shifts (morning until night), and when he's night shift he will take the DC to school (6yo and 3yo) before he goes to sleep in the morning.

I do all the cooking, ironing, cleaning, washing, and most of the childcare (90% approx.).

He will occasionally take them both away for the day at a weekend to visit his parents, other than that, I do most of it.

So, no, YANBU. I wish DH would do more as well.

mamaabc · 04/10/2013 19:55

He works to get money for us, but he'd rather be here.

Once home he helps with bedtime / plays with them, will cook on occasion if I'm ferrying them from activities.

shift worker, so on days off will muck in with cleaning etc.

Moan about him at times,but he is a good man.

Some days he's shattered, but he appreciates that I am too... He knows being at home although is unpaid is still 'work'

We're a team and we try and support each other.

IrnBruTheNoo · 04/10/2013 19:55

In fact, I'd love more DC but due to the fact life is such a chore as it is because of the shifts he does, I don't think I could face sleepless nights on my own through the week again. I have done it twice now and it has taken until only a year ago to feel like life is returning to some type of normality.

I do hear that other dads do more.

dreamingofsun · 04/10/2013 19:58

when i was on maternity leave i used to do all the child/household related stuff in the evening. it would have seemed unfair to expect him to work all day and then do domestic things in the evening. i felt that was my job. being at home wasn't work all the time... a lot of it involved coffee mornings/walking/playing at the park, whereas i knew paid employment is one long drudge all day

Fairenuff · 04/10/2013 19:59

He does a 13 hour day?

How many hours do you do?

Rhubarbgarden · 04/10/2013 20:01

My dh takes over as soon as he gets home. I even leave all the food mess from tea for him to clean up (3yo and 16mo - there is always food smeared across the table and scattered across the floor).

He enjoys doing bathtime and bedtime. On the days when he doesn't get home in time, probably 3 out of 5, he misses it.

I wouldn't say he enjoys clearing up the food mess. But I loathe it more Grin

Dealing with night wakings is probably about 50/50.

MaxAA · 04/10/2013 20:02

DP works shifts. When he's on a late I leave him to sleep in the mornings until he's ready to get up. If he's on an early and gets home in time for bedtime he helps but doesn't lead. I do most of the housework (never do his ironing!) but he does lots of other stuff and quite often takes dd out for a bit when he's around on his days off if we have nothing else planned - because he likes the 1 on 1 time as well as a little break for me (dd is 12months and I'm pregnant with no 2).

MaxAA · 04/10/2013 20:03

He never ever ever ever did night wakings though!

pomdereplay · 04/10/2013 20:03

DP is brilliant. Works full time 40+ hours not including commute but is hands on in evenings, we often meet for lunch and he will occasionally remotely work to be more present at home. I also get a lie in at the weekends. Like mamaabc says, he'd rather be here and actually goes out of his way to maximise the time he spends at home and quality time with our child.

Our 19-month old DD is a bright-as-a-button, high maintenance little girl and he recognises that my job is pretty damn hard too. Sound smug as hell but threads like this just make me appreciate him and actually tell him so for once!

AgentZigzag · 04/10/2013 20:04

DH is out the house for 12 hours weekdays has a few things he does routinely, puts DD2 to bed/bins/dishwasher/clean up kitchen after dinner/take dog out if she hasn't been walked, actually that's a longer list than I thought it would be Grin

I'm working from home now and it's probably about the same balance, although he'll 'have' DD2 so I can work at the weekend more.

Sometimes I have to prod him when he's pretending he can't see stuff that needs doing, but the main thing is that he makes an effort and accepts he's being a lazy arse sometimes. That means so much to me when I've known people who refuse to acknowledge they're trying it on, it's so frustrating!

What happens when the subject comes up? How he reacts is important I think.

Almostfifty · 04/10/2013 20:04

My DH used to leave for work at half six in the morning. He'd be home at around the same time at night. So twelve hours out.

The minute he came in, he helped with the children till we got them to bed. He'd then come and help me clear the kitchen, before we both either sat down for the night or did whatever DIY we were doing at the time, which was usually decorating.

At weekends, we'd both do whatever needed doing. However, no housework (apart from washing) was done at weekends. My 'job' was the children, house and laundry, his was to bring money in. We'd spend the weekend as a family.

fridgealwaysfull · 04/10/2013 20:08

I'm a SAHM and if I let him get away with it, DH would do nothing to help out in the evenings. But he does help with bathtime and putting 3 dcs to bed. He has been known to load the dishwasher too!

superbagpuss · 04/10/2013 20:10

I am a working outside of home mum with a sahd

during the week I leave at 7 but try and be home in time for night routine and will take over from dh

weekends I get a lie in sat, he gets Sunday when I take DC to church

we try and spend weekends as a family

we have a cleaner once a week that helps

Sindarella · 04/10/2013 20:10

My P does bugger all.

He works from 4am until the jobs done. Could be 10am could be 3pm.
He comes home, takes charge of the tv for a while then buggers off to sleep in the spare room.

Currently on ML, ds12, 6 and 16 weeks. But of course i do no where near as much as himHmm

Original poster
rosieposey78 · 04/10/2013 20:12

My days are longer than 13. I do bedtime every night unless out. I go out once a week for a couple of hours.
Also do all the night wakings.
I think dh thinks I spend the whole day sat on my bum, going to coffee mornings and spending his money.

OP posts:
moustachio · 04/10/2013 20:13

We both work now, but DP used to take over childcare when he got home. I would of gone mental if he didn't! I cooked the dinner/did chores. The main cleaning and washing got done at the weekend by both of us.

WestieMamma · 04/10/2013 20:15

My husband is out of the house 5.30-7.30. I try to do as much as I can during the day but it's not easy being disabled and having a clingy 5 month old. When my husband gets in he does what needs doing. If I'm managed to cook dinner, great. If not, he'll crack on with it. If baby is still needs changing and I'm clearing the kitchen, he'll crack on with it.

He can't cope with changes to his sleeping times so doesn't do any night feeds. However the flip side is that he still gets up at 5.00 at the weekend and takes care of the baby until I decide to drag myself into the land of the living in time for lunch.

sonlypuppyfat · 04/10/2013 20:16

I do everything I wouldn't expect him to work all day then start again when he gets in. He has a physical job so is tired. He earns our money so it's my job to look after the family

meganorks · 04/10/2013 20:17

DP generally comes home and does toddler bedtime while I feed 3m old and then he cold dinner. I sometimes do dinner but he enjoys cooking. I am very lucky!

CailinDana · 04/10/2013 20:18

I have a 2.9 year old ds and a 7 month old dd. Dd co sleeps with me overnight. Whenever dd wakes up I give her to dh and go back to bed till 7. Dh looks after ds whenever he gets up (usually around 6). He gives them both breakfast and gets them dressed. I get up at 7 and have a shower and breakfast then take over with the kids. Dh has a shower and goes to work at 8. He comes home at around 6 and either helps give them their dinner or takes them off for a bath (depending on day/time) while I sit on my arse or do some housework (depending on tiredness). At 7 he puts ds to bed and I put dd to bed. Dd takes ages so while I'm up with her dh cooks our dinner. I come down and eat and am up and down all evening to restless dd while dh relaxes. Kitchen is left in a mess until the morning when dh cleans it whileI'm asleep.
Weekends dh hoovers the upstairs, mows the lawn and does his share of any cleaning that needs doing. He also cleans the bathroom whenever the kids are in the bath.
He's responsible for bins, house insurance and does his own laundry.
I do everything else including all night wakings with dd.
It's very fair and works well for us.

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 04/10/2013 20:19

I think there's a difference between coming in and wanting to spend time with your DC, and doing chores. DH works long hours, plus a long commute when he can't work from home, but if he's home before bedtime then of course he gets stuck in as soon as he's out of his suit. Because he loves them and wants to spend time with them. But there's no way I'd expect him to get in and start cooking/doing laundry/cleaning the kitchen! And I wouldn't expect it the other way round either. At the weekends he'll do any DIY, does the dishwasher, shares childcare, but apart from cooking (me, which I enjoy) and laundry (me, which I don't), housework is avoided on a Sat/Sun!

He doesn't get up in the night anymore, but has done when they've been newborns, me heavily pregnant, etc. I still get up for DS2 most nights briefly, and I try not to disturb DH. Being a SAHM is hard in lots of ways, but sleep-wise I think the person driving long distances, commuting and earning the money needs the sleep more.

jammiedonut · 04/10/2013 20:19

My dh does his fair share at evenings and weekends as we agreed I'd do majority of night wakings. I tend to get the housework done and dinner prepped before he gets home, so he does bedtime routine and usually takes ds weekend mornings so I can sleep in. Works well for us, but I had to lobby hard to get him to understand that expecting me to provide continuous care 24/7 whilst maintaining our home to his immaculate standards wasn't going to happen without some support!

TheLadyVie · 04/10/2013 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Calloh · 04/10/2013 20:21

DH works long hours with long commute. I pretty much do everything on the weekdays, homework, housework, cooking, ironing, house and car admin and maintenance, finances.

At the weekend we probably each do a bath/bedtime routine, I do all the housework and cooking, he does most of the homework and reading with them.

I do all baby night waking and most other child waking. I think it's actually a pretty fair split, for us - he works his absolute arse off. I just wish he knew exactly how much needs to be done and not think I'm just farting around all the time, sometimes I am a bit but it's just very relentless.

ZenNudist · 04/10/2013 20:21

When I was on mat leave dh would share the evenings (bath & bed) but I'd do the night feeds (ebf ds but would think it fair to do that even if ff).

Weekends we share everything & get a lie in each. My day was hard work so I'd not let him argue I had it easy. In your case it's harder with dc at school too.

Next mat leave we will do the same. He still gets a nicer meal as a result of me having more time not working.

I can't understand working dads daring to come home & put feet up. Unless job very physically demanding. I also don't think it's fair for dads to work long hours leaving their wives to it all evening but if significant salary involved would see why it might be the case.

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