to ask sahms

[rosieposey78]

If your working dh/dpis hands on in the evening.
Most evenings he does nothing because he does 13 hour dqys normally including commute.
Whenever I talk to other mums their partner appear to take over or at leat support in the evening.
What happens in your home?
I suspect he is being unreasonable.
We have 2 primary aged dc and an 11 month old.

5madthings yes I should be starting my own thread. You are right. I'm spoiling this one by going against the grain.

Thank you ladies I gave my dh this thread to read, warts and all. He had a realisation and admitted how lucky he has been and how much more some dh do. It wasn't intended to be a punishment, merely a wake up to how good he had it and it worked. So thank you for your honesty I really think there will be some changes in the doorbellringer household. Hope it was as cathartic to others x

Really hope this wasn't offensive to anyone. I know how things can be misconceived online. Was a genuine thanks for the support and enlightenment.

irn he can go out as long as he returns the favour!

i dont understand these men that dont do anythung with their own chikdren :( they and the kids are missing out and setting a crap example to boot. what message must it give? daddy isnt interested in them or they are not worthy of his time/attention? and for boys growing up with that role model as to how to be a father :(

i can see how it sort of creeps up on you ans ends up rhe status quo.

fwiw my dp has not always been fab. he has always been hands on but he is quite pessimistic in nature and prone to being grumpy and miserable. for years i put up with his moods (partly because he is so hands on) but i did snap and just say ENOUGh. he has had counselling and i dont bear the brunt of his moods now, i wont stand for it. thats not to say he doesnt get a bit fed up etc but he doesnt take it out on me!

With DS1, DH was working a 9 til 5 job. DS1 had feeding issues to start with (tongue tie) and would feed for 2h at a time, so I would muddle through the day but asked DH to do the evening meal, which he did (mostly because he would have had to wait too long for his dinner if he'd had to wait for me to cook it some nights!)
I worked PT from home after DS1 was 6wo, but since DH wouldn't do any of the night work, changed very few nappies and never did bathtime, I suggested that it was only fair that he continued to cook dinner and clean up afterwards (he needed his sleep, apparently - seems he thought I had no need for it )

Since we emigrated, DH's job has been home-office based, but sometimes with long trips on the road. We alternate cooking/ washing up etc. because it works for us. I haven't worked out here at all (can't easily) but that was part of the "deal" of us coming over here (DH is Aussie). I still do all the housework, laundry, cleaning and tidying - but the daily grind of the kitchen work is shared.

With DS2, he is almost entirely my responsibility again, as DS1 was - he's 1 next week and DH has changed a maximum of 4 nappies for him, done no night waking, no bathing etc. DS2 sleeps in with me so nighttime routine is all mine to deal with as well. However, DH has had to take on DS1's evening hygiene routine, so he's more involved there now.

I am not unhappy with the labour divide - I could wish that he would help more with the heavy work as I have a bad back and even vacuuming can set it off, but he generally does when he's asked, he just doesn't ever see that it needs doing without being asked.

He's pretty good really. :)

DH does none of the (many) night wakings, but then takes early-rising DS for up to an hour in the morning while I catch up on sleep and/or have a leisurely breakfast and shower and/or mumsnet He maybe empties the dishwasher during that time, but that's pretty much it as far as housework during the week.

He usually gets home after DS is asleep, usually I cook and he tidies after. If he is home earlier he loves doing the bath, but it's probably only once a week at most.

On the weekends he does quite a bit of looking after DS, which is lovely, but I sometimes wish he would spend some of that time doing some house stuff instead!

My husband cooks dinner and sorts the washing...our tumble dryer is in a separate building so not easy witha newborn. He does nappy changes also. I do the night wakenings and changes if its a weeknight. He helps with bath etc also. I know I'm bloody lucky he's so hands on.

a man who hasnt bathed his child and changed four nappies in a year is "pretty good" ....do you really think that thumbwitch ?!!!

Seriously what is it that makes women believe they should be so grateful that their partner 'helps' at all?!! i feel like i have stepped back into some 1950s timewarp...

Thumbwitch

I think on my DH's part he just does not think. He doesn't consider that I may need a help with X Y or Z. If I ask him, most of the time he'll muck in. Part of the problem is me though. If I don't ask, what do I expect? People are not mind readers. I need to ask more often it seems.

DH attempted to cook one day when DS1 was small. I came back to see the kitchen like a bombsite. So from that day on, I decided I'd be as well doing it all myself because I tidy as I go and there's less work to do if I cook and clean myself (IYSWIM?). He didn't load the dishwasher properly, so I said it's fine, I'll do it all. Rod for my own back. Soooo, by my own admission, I'm partly to blame for our domestic set up because I'm so obsessive about things being done a certain way. DH has brought this up recently, that he does offer to help, but I'm set on doing things my way so he cannot chip in. I have said to even things out he needs to do more 'child related' tasks around the house like bathing, nappy changes and taking them out for a while to give me a break (ultimately that's what I'd really want to be happening without having to ask him). I don't mind the housework side of things, but to have help occasionally with child care related stuff would really take the strain off.

I must admit that 5madthings has a point. It does sound like some type of timewarp reading my post and a few others on this thread. More men need to get involved when their children are young. And set a good example.

I work p/t and I do most housework/child-related stuff. I earn more pro rata than DH but prefer p/t work as it allows me to spend more time with DCs and I am a control freak .

I measure fairness on how much free time we both have. I have about 6 hours child/work free per week ( when I'm not working and DCs are in school). I spend half of it doing big household tasks, and the other few hours doing my own thing. In turn DH has a few hours on the weekend to pursue his hobby.

We both chip in in the evenings, although DH is often doing DIY.DH takes DCs to breakfast club, picks them up from evening activities ( I clock off from childcare at 7 for my own sanity!!), does weekend homework, cooks the odd meal, does about half bed/bath routine per week, garden/day, ironing.

On the weekend he does sometimes sit on his arise more than I'd like, but then I am a stressy fidgeter in the day so am never happy unless things are 'getting done'!!

He is out of the house at 8.15am and works 9 hours a day, 5 days a week. We take it in turns to get up with one year old DD, give her a bottle and change her. I generally do her breakfast when he's left for work and I do the child care in the day, I also do all the cleaning, washing and the ironing. He does the internet food shopping and the vast majority of the cooking. We both do the dishwasher and vacuuming, as and when. I feed her dinner at 5pm and clear that up. He is home by 6pm, he will play games with her, we generally share the task of DD's bath time every other night and he mostly feeds her and puts her to bed at night. She doesn't wake up often in the night but if she did I would go. Weekends are 50/50. He is very hands on and would do more if asked, not that I think there is more he could do. In some ways I could say I am lucky, but frankly in our house parenting is a joint venture as far as I'm concerned and I wouldn't have had a child with him if I thought he was lazy!

No I don't think he's pretty good really, but I have to stop myself catastrophising the amount of help he offers or I get too pissed off. He's not going to change, and I'm pretty much over fretting about it.

He is many times better than many of my friends' DHs and quite frankly I would rather he cooked and cleaned the kitchen half the time than do the occasional nappy. He does look after the boys to give me time off - if I need a rest, or want to go shopping by myself, or go to Sydney to see my osteopath, that kind of thing.

DH is also a "non-thinker" - I don't know why, it's not like I've ever given him the opportunity to switch his brain off when he finishes work! - he just doesn't see what needs to be done!

First time I've been accused of being a 50s throwback, that's for sure. I am soooo not like that! I suspect that I might have been being slightly more sentimental about him than normal because he's had to go to Canada for 2w with work.

Thumbwitch - You shouldmt be grateful for the really crap effort hes putting in. Pull him up on it, and trust me he sees it but he just thinks your a mug.

Part of the problem is me though. If I don't ask, what do I expect? People are not mind readers. I need to ask more often it seems

What a load of nonsense. Along with this:

DH is also a "non-thinker" - I don't know why, it's not like I've ever given him the opportunity to switch his brain off when he finishes work! - he just doesn't see what needs to be done!

Are we talking about another human adult? One without special needs or learning difficulties? Men who can hold down a job, see what needs doing, take the initiative, think for themselves, all without being a mind-reader?

These men are playing the 'poor ickle pathetic man can't do it' card to get out of normal everyday activities. They act like children so that they are mothered.

What would they be like if they lived on their own. Who would do the cooking, washing, cleaning, childcare? Of course they can do it. They just don't want to.

No, he really doesn't and I don't not pull him up on it. But it gets very tedious going on about it day in, day out. And my comparison level has changed a lot since being out here.

I don't think he thinks I'm a mug. I would be a mug if I caved in and just did the stuff that he doesn't see - but I don't. I call him to do it himself. I would rather not have to call him, of course, but that's just not going to happen. So either I keep calling him, or I do it myself, or it rots where it sits.

You should hear the bollocks he comes out with after he's been away for a couple of days with his work - usually hobnobbing with miners etc. - how none of them have to do anything domestic blah blah. Here, it is rather 50s-ish I suppose. You wouldn't believe what some of my friends accept as normal!

You wouldn't believe what some of my friends accept as normal!

Just because your friend is in a worse position than you, doesn't mean you have it good. There is always someone worse off.

At least you can teach your sons not to be like their dad. My ds can do everything that I can do (except drive the car) and he regularly does.

He can get a weeks worth of shopping for the whole family, getting the best offers and longest 'use by' dates. He can plan the meals and know what he needs to buy. He cooks for the family. He can and does load the washing machine, hangs clothes out and sees that he needs to bring them in if it looks like rain.

He can clean, he moves furniture and remembers to wipe skirting boards, etc. He keeps on top of his homework and clears up after himself.

He is 14.

He has been slowly learning everything since he was about 2 years old. He is capable and would be able to look after himself if he had to. He still has a lot to learn about finances, etc. but he has plenty of time yet.

He would never expect a woman to do what he is quite capable of doing just because she is female. I don't think it would even cross his mind because we don't live like that in our house.

Start teaching your sons now so that, later on, some poor woman is not saddled with a person not willing to pull their weight.

Fairenuf, at what point do you think that I am NOT teaching my sons differently? Very patronising of you. I wasn't brought up Australian.

Perhaps I should have qualified that as "rural backward Australian" as I'm sure it will get picked up on by the many other Aussie posters on here whose experience is nothing like mine because they mostly live in cities.

Well Thumbwitch you didn't say that you weren't teaching your sons differently and they will have the added burden of copying their father which will make it harder for you.

Also, you put up with your dh's laziness because he's male. So there is nothing to suggest you would treat your sons differently. However, it now sounds as if that is what you intend to do.

No, that's just a bunch of assumptions YOU made, Fairenuff. Erroneously as it happens.

Sorry Thumbwitch, didn't mean to upset you. Also, this is not your thread and you didn't ask for my opnion. I have been too outspoken.

Ah you didn't upset me, Fairenuff. Don't worry :)

Sorry not had time to check back. Been a busy weekend. Dh was out most of the day doing his hobby and ferrying dc to activities. I was home looking after baby and tackling the house as I had visitors last night.
That is not typical. Most weekends he does diy. Finance bits and cooks one of the evening meals. I am still always the one getting baby dressed and making breakfast fo dc whilst he dozes or plays on tablet. He does get up really early during the week so he does normally get one lie in. I used to get the other but i now have a commitment which means it doesn't often happen.
I guess i would feel less fed up if what i do was appreciated. He never comments how nice house looks but does complain if its untidy.
What am i looking for. I guess i am looking for confirmation that he is unreasonable so i can challenge him again. Last time i probably wasn't specific enough and it just ended in a row.
Thank you for your responses.