to ask sahms

[rosieposey78]

If your working dh/dpis hands on in the evening.
Most evenings he does nothing because he does 13 hour dqys normally including commute.
Whenever I talk to other mums their partner appear to take over or at leat support in the evening.
What happens in your home?
I suspect he is being unreasonable.
We have 2 primary aged dc and an 11 month old.

Dh leaves at 7.15 am and gets home around 5.45. He helps to bath and put the children to bed. Probably because he has missed them during the day.

Children are 5 (at full time school) and 3 (school for 3 hours each morning).

He takes car of the car, garden and bills. I take care of the majority of the housework, cooking, shopping, childcare and the pets.

I think we are both happy with the balance we have.

"Tea time is the worst time in everyone's house and at this time it's literally all hands on deck re tidying up, washing up, bins, baths, homework, reading....."

I do all that every day without any help from DH, with the exception of the bins.

we take it in turns to do the cooking in the evening whilst the other one does the bedtime routine. on weekends we share all domestic tasks and childcare, making sure we both get some time off and a lie in.

So does your dh literally do nothing with the children or round the house and you are OK witthat?

My dp also works shifts, he went to work for 7am this morning and won't get home till 3pm tomorrow, he does nights, evenogns, weekends etc and days. When he is at work I do everything but when he is home he just gets stuck in, hewpudn ever think that he shouldn't do anything just because he works and he wouldn't want to do nothing, they are his children as well.

I probably do do the bulk of the housework as I am at home more, but when he is at home if something needs doing he will do it, ie a load of Landry or hoovering. He will cook and wash up etc we share what needs doing when he is at home and then we both get to relax once its done and the kids are in bed.

We will each have 'time off' either together or separately, I run and soemtimes I will have my running gear on and go for a run when he walk in the door, I will be out for 45mins and it helps me unwind and feel good. Dp will go to see racing or out with friends,and I will go out with friends. We dotn begrduge each other time out or even keep a tally, it generally evens out as neither of us would take the piss.

As a guide, you should both have the same amount of leisure time.

That means freedom to do what you want, without interruption or being responsible for anyone else.

Can you work out how much you both get. So does he come in from work and literally do nothing? About 3 hours every evening to himself?

What about weekends?

Mines pretty good given the hours he's home, including a commute he does 12-13 hours 5 days a week. He gets home just before bedtime x3 starts. I usually take the baby up whilst he reads and chats to the older two. We then take alernate taking one of the others up and reading to or being read to. He cooks our dinner 70% of the time. Sometimes I go to the gym so it's a crossover at the door so he does 2 or 3 bedtimes depending on how long I am. One night a week he'll do something after work so I'll do all 3 bedtimes. He's very good really but I do overlook this sometimes which is not great and I need to try and stop doing.

Late to the party and have only skimmed the thread , but I really think it depends on your set-up and expectations.

DH runs his own company in the entertainment industry, so lots of evening work. On an average week he will be out of the house from 8.45am (takes DCs1 and 2 to school) until midnight/1am every day including Friday. Saturday morning he takes DC1 to clubs, then usually we have afternoon/evening en famille (although he always has his phone on with pretty constant messages/calls and often emails to deal with - and today he's back in the office all afternoon). Sundays are usually family time, but not always if work calls.

I do everything around the house and regarding the children, even on the day and a half he's with us. We have no family network nearby either, so no help or anyone to fall back on.

But this totally works for us (after a period few years of adjustment ). We have a very clear division of labour. Neither of us thinks the other has an easier time of it. We are both very good at the things we do. We have a very nice life - no money worries, nice house, lovely holidays, happy children, a-mAzing cleaner no feelings of guilt over new shoes The three DCs and I get to spend a month every summer staying with my mum on the coast where I grew up without feeling guilty about abandoning DH/trying to balance the inevitable awkwardness between mum and partner . He would be a nightmare without the fulfilment he gets from his work...

All in all I wouldn't change it, but as I say it's taken us a while to get here and we both appreciate what the other contributes. Currently incubating DC4, so can't be all that bad . You have to both be happy with the situation, though.

As I've said already, DH will take DC to school in the mornings before night shifts to give me a break, otherwise I feel like I'm in constant parent mode 24/7 with no let up. It is draining and it rears it's ugly head this topic every few months when I'm close to breaking point. Sorry don't mean to hijack the thread! But this topic has just recently come up again and been arguing about it.

I have to ask him to take DC out to park/cinema as he would not think to initiate this himself. It can be a real effort for him.

Ah so you are not OK with it! Sorry I think I miss read/misinterpreted that you were fine with it.

A partner working shifts is hard, it can be exhausting for both if you but for us that does not mean that dp opts out of family life and doing stuff with the kids, including the 'drudge' as another poster put it!

Maybe start your own thread irnbru

My dp has always been hands on, it just wouldn't occur to him not to be. I guess at times we both get fed up with the relentlessness of it, but its part of being a grown up! Would quite like it if we could afford a cleaner but we can't such is life.

What does your dh have to say about his lack if involvement with the children? And the way he pretty much leaves everything to you? Does he have a 'traditional' view of roles or had it evolved into this pattern gradually?

Dh and I have always pitched in together. Housework/childcare has never been an issue because we both just get on with it.

I cannot understand how one person could spend the evening doing their own thing whilst the other does the housework/childcare.

Also, sharing any night feeds/waking. We just took turns so that neither of us felt too knackered or resentful. Why would anyone not share the load?

If you have the time and ability to make life a little easier for your partner, whom you love and care for, why wouldn't you do it? Are people really that selfish?

My DH never does bedtime and never takes over from me, even if he does get in before the DC go to bed. At the weekends we share responsibility for childcare, but during the week he works and I take care of the DC. The only change to that is if I or one of the DC is ill, then he will pitch in.

I do the whole day including the witching hours (5-bedtime) on my own, with 3 DC, the middle one SN. DH is at work 7-8 on a short day (that's 7 a.m. to 8 p.m.) and if home, collapses on the sofa. If he lucks out, once or twice a year, before 6, he also collapses on the sofa. What's more he's really grumpy, not even a friendly silence! It does annoy me, though to be fair I remember when I was also working 12+-hour days (pretty routine in our type of jobs, ), before DC, I too would collapse at the end of the day -- and that is WHY I am not working now, because we couldn't both go on doing that even without DC. I try to blame the employers not DH.

I have learned to let a LOT slide because it really isn't essential. Hoover daily? you must be kidding: there was a time when things were really bad and I realised to my dismay that I hadn't washed DS1's sheets for at least a year -- but no one died. Apparently no one but me noticed. My basic standard for a successful day is still that everyone is alive at the end of it.

Of course if there are DGP around or money to outsource some of the work even just a few hours' relief will help. Sounds to me like you need to get some time to yourself in the middle of the day if possible for naps, window-shopping, stupid me stuff.

I do feel my DH could do more -- but mostly we try not to fight about it because when both sides are legitimately exhausted it's just a feel-bad fight leading to no change except anger on both sides!

As a practical matter, it helps to remember that your job will get a lot easier as DC grow up. Once they are in school all day if anything the problem is, what do I do to fill the time (esp since I am such a slacker housekeeper ). DH does do a bit more at the weekends but none of the dinner/bed stuff which is what kills me. He did, eventually, learn to recognize certain moments when no matter how tired he is, he must swoop in. Do I get a crazed look or what? I don't know, it's not something I switch on at will. Sometimes it's if I myself have been sick, sometimes it's just that there's been a really bad few weeks -- anyway, once in a rare while he arrives home to find us still in chaos that late (a giveaway already, right?), and just takes all the DC away to bed. Perhaps because he realises that if he didn't someone might end up DEAD, and it might not be me!

Can I ask what poepl's partners do when they get in if they don't 'muck in'? Do they physically remove themselves - go to another part of the house or just sit and watch without getting involved?

I'm (mostly) a SAHM I do most stuff - particularly as DH is often away and now the DCs are getting older/more independent it is certainly easier for me to get on with stuff.

However, if DH is around he will typically stop work around 5/5.30 (works from home when he's here) I'll probably be cooking tea and he'll do something with the DCs so I can get finished in peace. If they're all occupied he'll make us a cuppa and we'll have a chat.

After dinner we'll do some family stuff, homework, whatever. Then one of us, (usually him) will take the DCs up for bed, story etc while the other clears up. Then we can sit down together. Sometimes he does some more work then and vey occasionally I do too!

I'd find it really odd if he was in but not with us ifyswim

p.s. But when he does on those rare occasions put them to bed their teeth are often brushed with the wrong person's toothbrush, if at all, because of course he doesn't know where anything is. As I say, standards must not be too high!
What I'm worrying about is, now my DC are all in school, can I go back to work or will this still not be feasible given DH's rigid hours?

Dh does nothing for / with kids. Could be a lone parent except I don't have the stress of earning a wage. He works normal office hours and has 1-2 hours each day off to exercise. Often chooses to do extra work at home. Spends the weekend sleeping and exercising. Is around once the kids are in bed. Once a month, sometimes more often, I get to the point where the tiredness makes me ill. Then he'll make noises about how I work too hard, but nothing changes. Know other women in same situation in RL. Can already see the payback from the kids.

DP works very long hours, often out at 6am but if he is in time for dinner and bath he helps, no question. He wants to do it as he gets to spend time with them, chats to DD about her day at school.

BUT I need to go back to work soon so he has to do some of the thinking /planning as well as the doing which is a whole different challenge!

yomell why do you put up with it?!!

Sorry but I don't get it. I can kind of understand if its just something that has happened gradually without you noticing and then you are stuck in a rut?

But I do not understand these men that do nothing with THEIR children.

It simply would not occur to dp to just come in and sit on his are.

One of my in-laws is a divorce lawyer and she's told me that in a typical divorce, the mum ends up with the kids and the dad with the money. Though we naturally see the injustice in the money side of things, her point was that actually the men are losing out too even if some of them don't realise it they are losing something no amount of money can buy. I see that happens in marriages even without divorce. In my dream world (Sweden maybe?) we'd all get a fair portion of both.
I hear you, yomellamo, I too often feel like a single parent, but the not having the stress of also earning a wage is a genuine contribution. I try to be grateful that DH is doing that and understand that he doesn't fully control his job. (Though, &% it, he could surely control his hours a bit: but his employer seem to him more predictable and easier to manage than his family Big surprise there.)

OP since starting this thread, you have only added 3 posts. It's difficult to engage with someone who doesn't respond much, but perhaps you're busy.

What did you hope to find out by posting? That your dh isn't pulling his weight?

What do you want to do about it. So many of these threads are just a place to have a moan and then carry on the same. Nothing will change unless you change. Nothing.

What doesn't change as DC get older is the unfair distribution of worrying about DC. At the moment my middle child's education is in midst of a major review by the local education authority, but, much though I know DH does care and would help if I asked, he is just not around taking DS to his appointments or talking to these people, and when I call him at work of course he's stressed and distracted, and I feel guilty for distracting him from the job we desperately need him to keep doing well, and for making his life still more stressful. (Just thinking about it now is making ME so stressed my grammar is shot to hell, I hope that sentence made sense.)

But those of you with DC who aren't SN also know this truth, and so do those of you who aren't SAHM: DH is probably NOT the one worrying about how DC are getting on with their new classmates and teachers, is he now? Does he even know DC's teachers' names? Or think to book their dental checkups?

Mind you ONCE in a while it's a helpful reality check to find out that something I'm panicking about looks to DH like an easily resolvable matter. ONCE or twice he's even been right about that.
And as I say I'd rather be the one with the kids than with the job if it must be split like this. Though I hope it never comes down to that choice for me and DH!

does my dp worry as much as me? probably not. does he know the name of their teachers...yes. does he know about their freindships...yes. would he book dentust app... yes.

when ds1 was miserable at high high school dp was involved at lookinh around and finding a new one.

i have more 'get up and go/naturally a bit more organised as well' so may end up more of a driving force but dp is involved and does stuff and yes off his own back.

I work part-time, mostly from home. My income is about 20% of our total income.

My husband works full-time for the family enterprise. Although his hours are a dream come true, it is stressful for him to deal with working for his dad. My life is quite easy, so I do most everything in the evening. Sometimes I get irritated, but I am pretty domestic so I let it go.

CHJR - Feel like you are me in some other reality. Could have written what you have - and have 1dc with sn too. Kids'll be grown before we know it and am glad I can be such a large part of their lives.

5madthings - Have tried to change status quo over the years in various ways but has provoked various temper tantrums from dh. So have kind of detatched myself from it all really and try to keep in mind how great the kids are rather than grow bitter over it. Know it's not for everyone.

"Once a month, sometimes more often, I get to the point where the tiredness makes me ill. "

That is also me, unfortunately. And we rowed about it last night. He wants to go to a party during the October break (it's just one night, he'll be back in the morning, he says). Apparently I'm being stupid not letting him go, but I said life still moves on and the DC get up in the morning and I would appreciate a help as I do this day in day out. It is nice to share the load, as someone else has put it. Why should he be going out whilst I've got it all to do.

It's good to hear that I'm not the only one. DM said she wouldn't be putting up with that, apparently DF helped when I was tiny, did not need to be prompted to change nappies, do bath time, take us out walks, etc.

I honestly thought DH would do a bit more as they get older as things are obviously getting easier in many ways on the practical level.