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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask sahms

158 replies

rosieposey78 · 04/10/2013 19:49

If your working dh/dpis hands on in the evening.
Most evenings he does nothing because he does 13 hour dqys normally including commute.
Whenever I talk to other mums their partner appear to take over or at leat support in the evening.
What happens in your home?
I suspect he is being unreasonable.
We have 2 primary aged dc and an 11 month old.

OP posts:

AveryJessup · 04/10/2013 21:57

Also, I have a cleaner who comes twice a month as I don't like doing housework other than the basic clean-as-you-go stuff.

I'm not at home by choice but just don't have a visa to work where we live and so I see this as an opportunity to enjoy time with DS (2), not to become free skivvy labor in the home.

Retropear · 04/10/2013 22:01

Same here.

My dp just staggered in after a 16 mile bike ride home.

I try not to demand anything of him after a day like today,he's more than done his bit for our family.

Obviously if he's back earlier he'll want to read to the dc etc.

At the weekend we share all chores but I make sure he gets 2x lie ins whilst I go down and potter.

He did help a bit more when the dc were younger but I had 3 under 15 months so it was that or a padded cell for me.

umiaisha · 04/10/2013 22:05

OH leaves for work at 07.30 and normally gets home between 19.30-20.00.

In the mornings he cleans our youngest's teeth and makes the bed as he is the last one out of it! By the time he gets in in the evening the kids are bathed and in bed and dinner is cooked so there is nothing for him to do anyway. At the weekend he will tidy up, help me to bath the kids and occasionally hoover, but I don't really ask much more of him as he works such long hours in a stressful job.

Personally, I feel that as I am at home full time the housework etc is down to me.

fidgetywidget · 04/10/2013 22:41

We have 1 dd (3.5y) at the moment.
DH leaves home 7am, back between 6pm and 7.30pm depending on the season, can sometimes be 8.30pm like tonight. Occasionally works weekends, varying hours.
I work 9-5 two days a week and 8pm-10pm five nights a week at the minute. I do all shopping, cooking, laundry (though only do ironing when absolutely necessary, not every week), bath times, housework, dog walking, pre school runs, night wakings, plus some DIY when I have spare time (though mostly at the expense of housework, the two aren't compatible anyway!)

He washes up/ loads dishes after evening meal..... Ummm
He is very good at major DIY stuff which we've been doing a lot of, plus his job involves heavy machinery/lots of driving so although it drives me insane when he just sits at his computer when there's stuff needs doing (he'll always say oh I'll do it later ) I don't want to nag him if he's shattered. But I do wish he'd accept that what I do is tiring too, and that he'd spend more time actually doing things with dd rather than just supervising from his computer chair while I'm cooking/ out walking dogs in the pouring rain /etc etc.

P.S.
What's a lie in? (!)

maddening · 04/10/2013 22:54

was a sahm till 5 mths ago and when dfiance got in from work we pretty much shared the load till all was done - so taking it in turns to play with ds while we did jobs - df normally cooks, I tidy, he baths ds, I do bedtime - still the same now at work - I do mornings as df leaves at 6.30, df picks ds from nursery at 3.30 and does shopping if needed and starts dinner and I get in at 5.30 and we just keep going till ds is in bed. The only difference is I don't get to do extra jobs and errands like while at home but much of my day was invested in ds (and lots of meeting friends out and about) (plus he creates constant mess :) ) so more work on weekend and at end of day now am in work ft but generally if something needs doing we both keep going till we can both sit down.

maddening · 04/10/2013 23:03

ps isn't being a sahm about more than the housework? I was always out and about with ds 4 days out of five with swimming, groups and friends (only one dc though) and even on our day off it was the childcare that took up most of my day - I'd get a couple of jobs done and maintain general cleanliness but found it hard to do bigger jobs - so it was easier if we could tag team when df home.

Xmasbaby11 · 04/10/2013 23:07

I'm quite surprised at how little so many partners do on this thread. We both work full time and share chores as equally as possible depending on what we are best at and how much work we have on (DH works longer hours than me). But when I was on maternity leave, he did the early mornings and took care of DD before he went to work, and got back as early as possible to help with dinner time / bedtime. We have also shared the night wakings if DD is going through a rough patch of waking up. I would consider this normal.

Retroformica · 04/10/2013 23:14

4 boys. 3 at primary school. DH does a 13 hour days mostly.

DH will only have half an hour with kids once home (reading and putting to bed). He then eats and does a few jobs for half an hour (stacking dish washer/emptying bins or recycling). We both stop about 8 or 9.

fidgetywidget · 04/10/2013 23:14

*I should have added that I only do DIY while dd is at pre school!

IrnBruTheNoo · 04/10/2013 23:39

DH will empty the bins for me, but that really is about it besides bathing DC occasionally and reading to them. Written down it really doesn't look like much!

He does do a physically demanding job and does do night shifts so I suppose it is not typical of most jobs out there that the majority do. Our life is very different to most families out there. Not many people can relate to shift workers.

IrnBruTheNoo · 04/10/2013 23:40

DH couldn't share the night wakings many moons ago when DC were babies because he worked night shifts during the week and also because I breastfed both DC.

IrnBruTheNoo · 04/10/2013 23:41

"We have also shared the night wakings if DD is going through a rough patch of waking up. I would consider this normal."

That doesn't work for all families especially if they do shift work.

IrnBruTheNoo · 04/10/2013 23:42

There have been many times I've had to get on with it myself day and night, night and day with no help. F*cking stressful, but there you go. It happens to some of us.

Permanentlyexhausted · 04/10/2013 23:47

We both work full time and share the housework and childcare duties. I do 12-hour days at work/commuting and find that much more tiring than spending 12 hours looking after the children so if I was a SAHM I think I'd be wary of expecting DH to 'take over' when he walked through the door.

Although being a SAHM is hard work, it has plenty of fantastic rewarding moments which the working partner will often miss. Are those 'rewarding moments' the bits your husband is being offered when he walks through the door, or are you just wanting him to help out with the drudge?

MollyHooper · 04/10/2013 23:57

All (well some) of these situations seem to work, the point is if you both are happy.

As long as you can always ask the question "It's been hard, can you help?" and the response is "Yes, what can I do?" then I think things are fine and that goes both ways.

It's not about whose done what, it's about supporting each other.

yummumto3girls · 05/10/2013 00:00

I don't understand how any DP could not come in from work and "muck in" with whatever needs doing until it's all done and you can BOTH sit down, surely that's fair. I'm a SAHM and I do all housework, childcare, meals etc if I'm home then that's my job and I would not expect DH to come in late and start doing the basics. Tea time is the worst time in everyone's house and at this time it's literally all hands on deck re tidying up, washing up, bins, baths, homework, reading.....

KirjavaTheCorpse · 05/10/2013 00:00

Also, I don't know about anyone else but I can choose to down-tools on any housework that needs doing and go build a fort with my 3yo. I'd call that a major perk that DP misses out on

It's hard work being a sahp, but it's also much, much more rewarding than my DP finds his job, for sure. I do think I have the better deal and feel it's balanced.

lestagal78 · 05/10/2013 00:03

My DH works nights.

He's not hands on, I spend my time running around after DC while he watches TV.

IF he ever totally begrudges my afternoon break while they're at school there may be words.

BadRoly · 05/10/2013 00:14

Dh is away early Monday (before dc are up) and gets back late Thursday evening. He is then full on hands on Daddy but doesn't really do any housework other than the odd bit of cooking.

StuckOnARollercoaster · 05/10/2013 00:28

Mine does very little for our DD but I don't feel resentful as neither of us have significant 'leisure' time at the moment.
He is up at 6 and out of the house by 6.30ish leaving me some tea and a biscuit. Is back home at about 6ish and if DD is awake might spend some time with her. He will then do his 2nd job from home till about 9.30ish when we eat. Then it's a bit of time together and off to bed.
Weekends we either do something family, or the shopping or else he will work.
I will look after DD including night wakings then depending on how that has gone I'll have naps, baby groups, get tea ready, laundry, cleaning, gardening in that order. If not had time to do tea we get takeaway. If the last 3 are getting critical or there's necessary diy then he will choose not to do his 2nd job which is self employed type and do that work in the home and forego the money.
As we tend to do leisure stuff together we probably have similar amounts of it and I feel like we make a good team. At the moment DD is very young but the intention is that the mix of activities will change as she gets older and he will do more with her at the weekend's.

Original poster

rosieposey78 · 05/10/2013 07:44

Thank you for your replies. I did think taking over was bizarre. However, i know we have issues to resolve. I don't actually feel i have any complete leisure time during the week as i generally try to do housework etc when she naps. Although i accept i have chilled times. At the toddler group although i still have to watch dd like a hawk. Also chatting to school mums whilst kids play at park. Dd rarely settles before 9 or 10 so i just don't have an evening. Also still wakes at night so i am co sleeping for my sanity.
Weekends i try to leave dd with dh as much as possible but it is usually shortlived as she will cry for me.
I do have 1 evening out per week so guess that is my main weekday leisure time.

OP posts:

Original poster

rosieposey78 · 05/10/2013 07:48

The my money thing is not a regular thing but it really hurts. Ts especially hard now we have lost child benefit as i only have about 20 left a month from the amount dh pays to cover my direct debits. So,everything else has to come from joint.

OP posts:

frumpypigskin · 05/10/2013 08:08

He helps with bedtime if he's home. He cooks for us when he gets back too (I'm a rubbish cook).

At the weekend he does the online shopping, and will put a wash on. He doesn't do any of the other housework as I try to get that done during the week.

I actually prefer that he spends time with the kids than pushing a hoover around.

vibee · 05/10/2013 08:14

My DH works 12 hour days as a rule, sometimes more with overtime , so he can't do much in terms of housework, but he is very hands on with our baby when he's home , because he wants to be! He generally feeds her at dinner, gives her a bath and does story time before I put her to bed. Weekends he plays with her. I think I'd be really sad if he didn't want to do those things, tired or not.

jasminerose · 05/10/2013 08:17

We both work full time and we never do any chores after 8. There isnt any need really as we can easily get everything sorted before then as I live long evenings off.

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